Was ignoring your children a bad solution?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by A dad, Sep 16, 2015.

  1. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Now my youngest son is did not call for 4 months now and he probably will not call until he can come home. Its not the first time this happened he did the same in college. Do not get me wrong he does answer on facebook when asked if he is ok and he answers with yes.
    But that is not the issue the issue is that he does not talk to us unless he needs something and now he rarely needs something but never for emotional or just for normal chat.I think this I did it with my own hands.
    My youngest likes(or liked in case of me) to discuss things many things with you but he is so tiresome and so curious that I just can not deal with so me and my wife started to ignore him because he was very tiresome and because he will then try to find friends to talk with not us but I will not lie the main reason was because he was very tiresome.
    Now it did not went to well either since and I hate to admit it he became a outcast at school his teachers called my wife to tell her he is always alone and quiet. I admit I did nothing and neither my wife we were actually mad of the teachers that they called us for what we believed was too good( I can not translate from my native language what we actually believed because you can not translate it) and wasted our time.
    So his school years went by with him being ignored by us and most of the other people who came in contact with besides his older brother actually I think the main reason my youngest has decent social skills are because of him.
    While we could ignore our youngest the oldest knew how to keep people attention if not by being nice by being mean but he knew how. My wife says that if you trow my oldest out the door he comes trough the window if the window is closed he breaks it.
    Now when our youngest grew up and wasted 2 years of college he did not call us unless he needed something and that was once in a blue moon. He did on the other hand talked a lot to his brother from where we found out more about his activities there. But as said by my oldest son his youngest only friend is him.
    Now that another day has passed him not calling us and only a I am fine on facebook it makes me wonder did I chose the worse solution to deal with how tiresome he was? How did you all dealt with you child's curiosity and well that something that makes at least some parents tired?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is a hard post to answer. And of course none of us know the answer and it already happened so there is nothing you can do about the past.

    This is my opinion only.

    It is never good to ignore a child. Curiousity and tiresome talking can be turned into good traits, such as higher thinking and learning. Even if not, this is a child and he needs his parents, especially if he has few peer friends. It's possible he overtalked because of some childhood disorder that was overlooked, such as Aspergers. I personally don't believe that ignoring a minor child is ever a good solution.

    Is your wife his mother? If she is not, I feel her method was not the right one. Of course, this is just ME and I have no idea of what others think or what was going on in her head. We are the adults, in MY mind, and when we make a decision to have children, we deal with them when they are young. We don't ignore them. So, I gently say in my opinion yes it was not a good idea. And it probably taught him that you are not there for him.

    The good news is that you can drive up to college to see him and surprise him, with or without wife (without if she is not nice to him) and apologize. Our young adult children are often very forgiving. You can tell him you feel you did the wrong thing and would like to have a better, more open relationship with him now. It is not realistic in my opinion to expect him to talk to you now when you shut him down before; not withhout some sort of "get it all out in the open and taking responsiblity for your behavior" conversation.

    All depends on what you want from him. You can't have a good relationship with anybody you won't talk to. And you can't change him. "We'd have talked to you if you hadn't been so tiresome." That would make him feel horrible. My own mother used to say things like this to me and it was devestating. Don't expect him to change himself...he sounds like a nice young man. He needs to be accepted and loved for who he is.

    You may want to post this on Parent Emeritus, since he is over 18.

    Good luck and I hope you can solve the problem. It will take in my opinion your being humble a nd honest to him and being able to take the blame for ignoring him. For some this is hard to do. But it really shouldn't be.

    Take care!!!!
     
  3. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    He is not in college right now he is working in another country or abroad as I like to call it he wasted his college time he did not actually frequented college. But that is besides the point I can call him of course but he does not answer to me. He does answer to his brother so I guess I can work trough that.
    And yes my wife is his birth mother. Lets see how it goes with a apology.
     
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Your son may have neurological differences. His challenges with social skills point to that, for starters. Many people with neurological differences are "black and white" thinkers. In which case, your son may feel that he has been "taught" to ignore you - because that is how he was treated.
     
  5. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    So like you either like me or you hate me. So like with me or against me things like that?
     
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    yes, that is black and white thinking.
     
  7. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    So people with that kind of thinking do the same thing that others did to them? So for example people ignore me then I ignore you also you like me and I like you back you hate me and I hate you etc?
    They do not know nuances?
     
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Exactly!
     
  9. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Interesting it makes be wonder what kind of neurological difference could it be there are quite a number by the way. Now I am not sure if he has such things as I can not expect a child to know nuances that is something learned granted it does not apply as adult but as many of us know is very hard to get rid of bad habits the older you are.
    He might not be born with the differences but developed over time but his brother is quite different from him.
     
  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    neurological differences are things we are born with, its like our brains are "wired differently". Some people are wired enough differently that they qualify for a medical diagnosis - such as ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome, or Autism. But people can have strong similar traits and not actually have a diagnosis. It's not about habits and choices. It's about HOW life is experienced and what gets learned as a result. And yes, people with neurological differences are more difficult to "reprogram" than the average person (and the average person isn't easy to change either!)

    That whole "tiresome and curious" trait... is very typical of a person with Asperger's. If they focus in on a subject, they want to go into it in great detail. It becomes "the" subject of interest. Where others have multiple interests, they have usually a single focus. And yes, it drives the rest of us crazy sometimes. But if we understand what we are dealing with as they grow up, we can help them adapt better... AND we can preserve our own sanity better.

    Having said that... LOTS of us (me included) grew up in a time when these differences were not recognized and not handled with care. We survived. But it does come at the cost of impact on human relationships - not just family.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he has a neurological difference, his behavior is not a bad habit. He needed early intervention and treatment and he needed guidance on how to behave, which may or may not have helped him. It is not too late to forge a relationship with him, whether or not he is neurotypical. He has learned that you are not going to listen to him, so he doesn't talk to you, is my best guess. You can try to open up communication with him and I hope you do. Another thing is, if he is having fun, he is at an age when kids don't contact their parents all the time, although four months is a very long time.

    Maybe he will be open to being tested for possible neurological or psychological differences. I assume that at his age it is up to him though. I have a 22 year old with a form of autism and he is very high functioning...can talk, live alone, work part-time, socialize once he is comfortable with somebody (but often likes to do things alone a nd is very into computers, videogames and television...coomon for anyone on the spectrum. They tend to have narrow interests that are very intense). My son is very willing, even eager, to be helped and to do better. Your son does not sound rebellious. He may be very open to your suggestions and to get him too. Can't hurt to try. I am trending with IC and thinking he has Aspie traits, although, of course, we can't diagnose.

    Tons and tons of luck.
     
  12. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Tried to talk with my son on the phone but he made it a short conversation going like this " hi I am fine thank you for calling I can not speak longer I have to hurry somewhere we will speak on Sunday more". That went well I guess I will see what happens on Sunday.
    Now @Above my son is not rebellious he never says no but he still does what and how he wants. He never says yes he says I will try or maybe but I am not gonna promise on short not a actual confirmation. I think he says this instead of no just to avoid conflict.
     
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