Weekends are tough

[KFld]

I find I'm feeling sorry for myself on the weekends, now that h and I are seperated. I'm sure it's normal in any seperation and I know in time it will get easier, but I don't like this feeling.

I'm not doing anything different then I would have when he would take off to VT by himself all the time. I guess then it felt like a break from everything and I had a little vacation, but now that it's my normal weekend, I find myself feeling lonely. Last night I went to dinner with my sister in law and brother in law, then they came back to my house and we played cards. tonight I am going to the friends house we would always hang out with and play cards with on the weekends and we are celebrating my sister in law's birthday. This is a normal weekend, with or without him, so it's really nothing different then I would have been doing if he was still here.

I'm not quite sure if I'm feeling sorry for myself, or I'm getting angrier, because he's now all moved into his bachelor pad and hanging out with all his new friends at night and acting single. I'm not acting single, I'm acting like a responsible 46 year old mother and doing the sames things I always have. I'm hanging out with his brothers and their wives as I always have and he's out doing who knows what????

What bothers me is I've always liked having time to myself. It was always something I cherished, just being able to spend a night reading a book, or watching what I wanted to watch, but now that I can do it all the time, I find I have to constantly keep busy doing other things.

Is this all normal????

 

[donna723]

Karen, I know exactly what you mean. been there done that! When I went through that stage, I tried to find things that I enjoyed that I had never been able to do before. I watched what <u>I</u> wanted to on TV - NO MORE football all weekend! And I was never one to go places by myself but I started! If I wanted to go shopping all day long and wander around at my leisure, I DID IT! My time was my own and I didn't feel guilty that I wasn't at home cooking HIS dinner! I once spent an entire day roaming around at a huge antique exhibition - nobody to tell me I shouldn't! And it was WONDERFUL! It got me out of the house and broke the routine and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

And slowly, over time, I rediscovered who <u>I</u> was! I found out that there hadn't been too much of "me" left! I had spent twenty years being "somebody's wife" and "somebody's mother". Detaching" from a relationship is very hard, but it's a "process". It's a little like having your role as a mother change over time as your children become adults. Not bad, just different. Caring for him as a spouse, worrying about him, putting his interests first before your own, and even having him do certain things around the house are HABITS you don't break overnight!

But now, I treasure my independence! And the peace and quiet and the absence of all that conflict and heartache - after all those years of being chained to a "loose cannon"! I do what I want, when I want to. I make my own decisions and I spend my money the way I want to, and I do very well. And I'm happier than I ever was before. You'll get there too!

 

[Suz]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Is this all normal???? </div></div>

Yes.

When ex and I broke up we each moved to different places. It was a blessing in disguise because I had decorating and home improvement projects up the wazoo to keep me busy. And when I ran out of them, I did them again. Heck, in the first two years I painted my bedroom 5 times because I couldn't find the right shade of green......and I had nothing better to do.

Friday nights were the hardest for me because we ALWAYS went out to dinner on Friday night. So my Friday night date became going to Linens 'N Things.

Feeling restless? HA! To this day I am the queen of restless.

I was perceived as the bad guy (because I wanted the divorce) so exdh kept most of our old friends. They rallied around him, kept him busy.

Someone told me once, "Men replace, women grieve." It has certainly been true for us. Ex is engaged now and doing well. I am sincerely happy for him. I was very surprised at how much I grieved. We were married for 25 years. The first year I was jubilant at being free....and the second year I grieved over the loss of the marriage, the friendship, the security, the way of life. That's why I mentioned it to you in one of your early posts.....to expect to grieve once the anger subsides.

Karen, expect the unexpected. That's the best I can offer. Your feelings will probably be all over the place one day and then you'll feel just fine the next. It's all normal.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[skeeter]

is there always something you wanted to do, but didn't or couldn't? Learn a musical instrument? Do some kind of craft? Learn more about a topic?

Now is the time to DO that. Many colleges have "communiversities" - or classes for very cheap and no credit. Stain Glass, musical instruments, history of your area, horticulture of the area, caligraphy, foreign language, belly dancing - all kinds of things. Many have these classes on Saturday. Not only will you learn something and "improve" yourself, you may find yourself with a whole new group of friends!

Of volunteer. Hospitals, museums, zoos - all use a lot of volunteers. And, again, you'll find yourself with a whole new group of people to hang out with.

Reinvent yourself!

 

[KFld]

I think one of the problems is that I am still doing all the things we used to do together, with the same people we used to do them with. I would never want to change that in some ways, because I love these people, but I do think I need to change it up a little. Maybe doing something different will make me feel better.

tonight we are going to celebrate my sister in law's birthday. I want to go, I have to go, she has been one of my rocks through this and I love her, but then again it's depressing me, because it's something we would have done together.

Tomorrow I am definitley going to do something totally different, with someone different. I am going to the movies with a good friend of mine from our bookclub, to see a movie about a bookclub. I'm looking forward to it. I just have to get past tonight.

I don't think it helps because I am in the house still, full of memories. he's the one making a new place for himself right, but financially that is what we have to do. I will be the one moving from this house in the end, so I really don't want to redecorate anything.

Plus, he's always here to get his equipment for work. He had to come in this morning to get the keys to move easy child's car so he could get his truck out and he had a very strange attitude which is erking me. He was kind of cold, like he was mad at me for something. Maybe I'm just projecting my own anxieties.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Suz is 100% right. Men replace (because they do not possess the capabilities to deal with the feelings) and women grieve. You are grieving. You are grieving it as if it were a death. And it is, in a way. It is the death of a marriage. The death of your life, the way it has been, for 20 something years.

Grief has 5 stages. And you go through every one of them at one time or another, sometimes visiting one more than once:

Denial. This is not happening.

Sadness. I am SO sad about this, I don't know if I can go on.

Anger. So and so caused this, and I am so mad at him/her for doing this to me.

Bargaining. If only I had done this, then maybe that would have been different.

Acceptance. This is my life now. It happened. I don't have to like it, but I have no control over it, and I accept it. I will take my life as it is now, and do the best with it as I can.



I have also heard (and it was a lowball estimate for me) that for every year you are with someone, count on needing a month to get over him. I was with Matt for 9 years. It took WAY more than 9 months for me to grieve losing him. What you are doing that I did not do is getting out and living your life. I sat and mourned like a widow. While he moved in with first one and then a second g/f withing 6 months, I and moaned to everyone what a bum he was and don't you feel sorry for me. It got old fast.

Now that I am truly done grieving him (at least I think I am), I am way more objective about things concerning him. I know I still love him and probably always will, but I am not in love with him anymore. I know that he is a toxic person and is better off in jail. At least there he is not making any more babies.

Anyways. Huge understanding hugs and lots of prayers as you grieve.

 

[DDD]

Did you decide that you wanted to be the one who moved out? It
sounds like that is written in stone already but usually it is best to take some time before making big decisions.

Maybe you could spend your free time checking out open houses
on the weekend and just do it for fun...as if you were getting
decorating ideas. As a retired Realtor I always suggest people
thoroughly check out housing alternatives for at least a couple
of months before making any decisions.

Just don't tell any of the Realtors that you might be selling or
buying.........we are a pesky bunch! LOL DDD

 

[busywend]

I have some statistics homework you could do - that would be different!! Just playing, I hope that is obvious! LOL!


I agree, just do something different. Don't you think for one minute he is not missing the usual weekend routine as well. I am sure he is. Men just never show it or speak about it.

Will he be at SILs birthday party?

Do you craft? Can you go hang out at Michael's for several hours like my friend can?

What about projects like putting photos in books? That is always a time consuming task - oh wait, that one could get emotional. Wait until you need a cry for that one, I think.

Um, what about baking? Do you bake? How about volunteering for Meals on Wheels or something similar?

 

[trinityroyal]

Karen,
What you're feeling is perfectly normal, and as others have already suggested, changing up your routine to do things that are different from the ones you always used to do together will help.

When my Ex-H and I split up, I stayed on in the house and eventually bought him out. For the first few months, when he got settled in his new apartment, and I was still in what used to be "our" house, with the tatty old decor and all of "our" stuff, I found myself feeling a bit jealous of him because he had a fresh start, and I was stuck with all the cast-offs of the marriage.

I also found that when Ex had to come over for some reason, he waltzed in and made himself at home. I found this VERY hard, because it was MY home then, and I didn't like it that he sauntered in, opened cupboards, etc.

Interestingly, once I had gutted and redecorated the place (everything from new floors and kitchen cabinets...which I installed myself...to new paint on the walls), Ex-H wouldn't even step past the front porch. It no longer felt like His place, and he no longer felt comfortable.

I can understand that you don't want to take on any major decorating projects, if he's intending to buy you out of the house, but are you in a position to change it around at all? Even rearranging the furniture, and organizing the kitchen in the way that YOU want things to be, can make a big difference.

Grieving the lost relationship is normal, and you were together for a very long time. Take the time to feel whatever you need to feel, and take care of yourself.

All the best,
Trinity

 

[donna723]

Karen, something else you may want to think about... You've gotten a lot of good suggestions about ways to meet new people and open up new opportunities and interests for yourself. You don't want to rely on your husband's family as your entire "social circle" because that will probably change sooner or later. No matter how close you are to them, they are still HIS family and in the end that will probably win out. It could get awkward later at some family function if you're there and he's there ... I'm not saying to completely distance yourself from them, just develop other friendships too so you have other options.

I was VERY close to my ex's sisters and sister in law's. I was part of that family for twenty years and we raised our children together. They live in another state which makes it easier. They all KNOW that our divorce was completely HIS fault, none of them agree with what he did and certainly not with the way he did it, but he is still their brother and they're stuck with him. When I do see them we're still very cordial, we can still talk for hours on end like we always did - we just don't ever discuss HIM! It's the same but it's "different" too, if you know what I mean.

 

[KFld]

DDD, I know I will want to move out in the end. We own an 80 foot long ranch with 5 bedrooms. His father built this house, h grew up in it, that is why he wants it. I have no intention of living in a house this house with just me and easy child. Plus there are to many memories. I would like my own place to start fresh and start my own memories.

No he won't be at sister in law's party. He is actually on his way to VT with difficult child and difficult child's girlfriend. This has at least brought them closer together. If he wasn't going away I would have suggested they call him and I would have stayed home. This is his family. My sister in law said he actually called her today and wished her happy birthday, so I know he is missing out on the family stuff we all do on the weekends.

It will be tough. I know I need to widen my circle of friends, but my sister in law is one of my closest friends and has been for years.

Another thing I need to realize is that we both live in the same town, we both belong to the Elks club, so there are times that we are both going to be at the same place at the same time. Next weekend may be that first time. We all have tickets to a family pig roast at the elks, and I'm sure it's something he will want to go to also. I may have to rethink going.