Welcome Minnesotama!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by smallworld, Oct 27, 2008.

  1. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Welcome Minnesotama. I'm copying your post into a new thread to make sure everyone sees it.

    Hi,
    I am new here. I have a son age 14 who has regular meltdowns too. He has been diagnosed with ADHD, inattentive type and with learning disabilities. He used to be such a really dear sweet boy, but he has turned into someone else in the last couple of years. I am really ashamed to admit what I am about to but I need to tell someone. Three days ago he pretty much lost it when I clipped his fingernail too short. He punched me hard in the arm and called me a lot of cuss words. I was shocked and told him to get out of my room. As I guided him out and in an effort to lock my bedroom door, he came unglued when I said he would have consequences for his actions. For the first time in his life, he went extremely violent and pushed my door open, pushed me hard and punched me in the arm maybe 20 times as hard as he could. He is 6 feet tall. He is skinny, but he is strong. I am pretty fit and pretty strong, too, but I was not match for him. Fast forward: I could not believe he did this, and I called the police. He was arrested for battery and will go to juvenile court soon. His father acted like I overreacted. I am sick about this. I think I am in shock. I feel like I am in a nightmare. My other child, a girl aged 18, was partying non-stop and when I told her she could not live in my house and have that lifestyle, she left. She has been gone 9 days. She is hanging in some of the most dangerous neighborhoods of our metropolitan area. I was a good mother. I did all I could for these two. I was there for them always. I never hit them. I never abused them. I don't know how it turns out that I have kids like this. I am just crushed spiritually by the reality of this. Well, I am not sure if I posted in the right thread and if I didn't, I am sorry. I just needed so badly to find anyone else who has been through situations like I have. It is embarrassing to even talk about it.
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  2. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Minnesotama,

    I want to welcome you to this bb. I'm sorry you had to find us, but happy you did. I hope this makes sense!!! I haven't had enough coffee yet...

    You definitely have your hands full. I've had to call the police on difficult child 1 too - It is heartbreaking but in my humble opinion, violence is UNACCEPTABLE!!! You have the right to feel safe in your own home. I'm sorry his father isn't being supportive!!! I'm sure this makes things a lot harder on you.

    I'm sorry your daughter is engaging in dangerous behavior. I hope she stays safe!!!

    Please don't be embarrassed posting here. Many of us either are in or have been in situations similar to yours.

    My mind is still too fuzzy this morning to offer any good advice - I just want to let you know I'm glad you're here. I know others will be around soon to help you.

    Thinking of you today... WFEN
     
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Welcome - Yes, it is so hard to talk about but you feel you need to tell someone. This is a great place to start. We do understand when a child we love so much is violent and/or chooses a bad lifestyle. We see so much potential in our kids and we so want to put the spotlight on their best behaviors and talents and say to tell the world, "Don't look at the bad things. This kid really is so cool, so awesome. Please give him a chance." We feel that they are throwing their lives away. They take everything we give them and disregard as nothing is good enough. Why can they not just implement what we all know is good for them? Why do they demand life has to be perfect and everyone has to cater to them every second?

    Anyway, you were right to call the police. Having someone beat on you is not overreacting with a police call. You state that he punched your arm over and over. That would tell me that in his anger, he did not want to really harm you otherwise those punches would have moved to your head. That may be a ray of hope, however, the police call was in order because your life was in danger and who knows, next time his rage may take him further. He must learn now and hard that he may not be violent with you. period.

    You did the right thing. We also understand how hard telling (or not telling) friends and family will be. You do not need to tell anyone if you choose not to and that not telling also has strange feelings. It helps if you do have some friends and family who will be supportive in this. Being able to talk to someone is very helpful. We will be here for you. You can tell us anything. This is a great place to vent. We truly understand - we are all human and there is such a large volume of emotions we go through with our kids on any given day. We understand feelings of anger/hate as well as love and know they can be felt toward the same kid.

    I hope today goes well for you. Keep us posted.
     
  4. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I'm sorry you are going through this, your husband isn't thinking straight...he should be there for you! In my opinion, you have shown great strength and love for your ds by calling the police. He needs to understand the depth of his problem and the firm limit against violence in your home. I haven't had to walk in your shoes yet but I imagine it was very hard to do what you did and hurts your heart yet it was being a great mom.
     
  5. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Welcome Minnesotamama - I'm so glad you found us.

    I'm sorry your husband was less than supportive. I think sometimes we tend to lose perspective when we're dealing with violent children. I know that I put up with more physical violence than I should have (ain't 20/20 hindsight grand??). What finally put it into perspective was the realization that if my husband treated me the same way, I'd have had him arrested the first time around and he would've been out of my life. Would your husband have thought you overreacted if a stranger assaulted you in the same manner? Nope. The fact that it was your son should make no difference, though sometimes it does when you are first dealing with it - not to excuse it, but ... your husband's reaction certainly isn't unique.

    What was your son's reaction to the arrest and the impending court date? Does he understand that he majorly crossed a line?

    To have had this happen so shortly after you held your daughter accountable for her actions - it must be incredibly hard for you. It sounds like you did the right thing, in both cases. Your daughter made her choice, unfortunate as it is. I think sometimes our kids just have to really experience the consequences of their choices first-hand before they start to "get it". As a parent, it's so difficult to stand back and let them learn.

    I used to think that the degree of my childrens' success was a direct reflection on how "good" a mother I am. Easy benchmark when they're ... uh.... maybe 2? ;) I'm not a perfect parent but I've tried my very hardest. With my most challenging kiddo (thank you), I really stretched my own parenting skills as well as reached out to every resource I could find. He's on a fast track to living on the streets right now - and while it's heartbreaking beyond words, it's not because I failed. One of my all time favorite movie quotes (Remember the Titans) - "Sometimes life is just hard." There's not always a reason. We have to hope that in 5-10-15 years, our kids will remember what they were taught and how they were raised, and we have to be available to offer encouragement when they do start making better choices but we also have to restrain ourselves from rescuing them all the time. Not easy.

    I understand your embarrassment, but please know - you most definitely are not alone.

    Again, welcome!
     
  6. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Hi and welcome! I'm sorry that you're going through such a painful time, and without your husband's support. Yet from what you've written, you've done the right thing for both of your kids. But what awful timing these episodes have had, coming right on top of each other.

    I agree with the others that you did NOT overreact to your ds's actions. That sudden rage and violence is terrifying. It crosses a line that everyone in society must respect, and the sooner your ds understands that, the better. He knew theoretically that the line was there, and now he knows it in practice. That's a good thing! If allowed to be violent toward you without any major penalty he would have continued and escalated. That is what unfortunately happened in my house, when my difficult child had violent rages over years and abused me and all his siblings. Hindsight is 20/20 but I wish I had called police during one of his many episodes of violence.

    I'm sorry your husband is not on the same page and I sympathize, because I was in the same situation for many years. My husband wasn't around enough to see all of my difficult child's behaviors and he believed difficult child's tearful claims that everything was my fault. Only this year, when husband has been home regularly, has he come to understand the situation and work with me instead of against me. Unfortunately that was many years lost in terms of taking a firm stand against violent behavior. I hope your husband will go with you to counseling, perhaps, and work through the situation with someone who has an objective point of view. He wouldn't tolerate anyone else punching you ... why is it acceptable in a 6-foot tall teenager? It just isn't.

    I'm sorry you've had to draw the line with your daughter as well, and that she made the choice she did. She will come to see reality sooner, however, than if she'd been allowed to stay at home and do drugs and mistreat her family.

    I understand your shock. This is a huge burden to deal with. Have you anyone nearby who can offer support? A support group such as Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or Parents Anonymous can be wonderful, as the people there have been through similar painful situations and know what you're going through. They also help you keep perspective on the situation and have great information on addiction.

    Speaking of addiction, you mentioned that your son changed dramatically in his behavior a couple of years ago. That can be due to new friends who are into bad things, and it can be due to drug and alcohol use. You may want to check into the possibility that he is using. It could account for the change in behavior, and if it's there he will need treatment for it. I don't want to add to your worries but assuming your son is at or will return home soon, you need to know what's happening in that area.

    You will find lots of wonderful people on this board who can share their experiences, offer support, and just listen when you need to vent. Again, welcome.
     
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Minnesotama!
    I was born in St. Paul. :)
    So sorry about your kids. I hope your daughter stays out of trouble. Any chance she'll come home or do you think she'll stay for good?
    I would definitely not clip your son's fingernails any more! What a reaction! You can get some support from your husband by telling him that you can get some services from the system, now that your son has to go to court. I'm sure the judge will recommend something.
    We had the police at our house and they had all sorts of ideas for supports.
    Do you have any idea what triggered your son a cpl yrs ago? Hormones? Drugs?

    I know what you mean about wanting to talk but being afraid to share. I don't want everyone staring at my son in the hallways so I have to be very careful who I tell.
     
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome,
    Please don't be embarrassed. You did nothing wrong. You were absolutely right to call the police. Living with violence from a child is so hard. I've probably put up with more than I should have over the years, I do know that if my child were 14 and did that to me I would call the police. I'm sorry your husband wasn't supportive.

    Hugs to you.
     
  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to the site!!
     
  10. Nancy423

    Nancy423 do I have to be the mom?

    so sorry you had to go thru all that. ((HUGS)) But, don't feel embarrassed!!

    I wanted to welcome you to the site as well.
     
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