Hi, BKS. I'm probably a bit late coming into this thread, but wanted to respond anyway. I don't post much, but lurk often, and draw strength from it. I guess I should be trying to give back as well, so here I am! I'll share a bit of my story in the hopes it will be helpful to you.
Our son was first incarcerated in a juvenile facility for 9 months when he was 16/17. It was very difficult, but at least I knew he didn't have access to drugs or the dangerous lifestyle he had been living. While there he participated in an intensive drug rehab program. When he was released, he did very well and said he never, ever, ever wanted to go back. Oh, I had so much hope! That lasted about 3 months and he relapsed and was arrested for theft and criminal trespass. During the initial series of events (prior to the juvie sentence), husband and I had been in constant contact with law enforcement, reporting any probation violation and basically pushing for his incarceration, as there are NO viable inpatient private rehab options in our area, and our insurance doesn't cover mental health. Period. Anyway, we felt that we had exhausted all options we had access to and that perhaps some time behind bars would benefit our son...if nothing else, we could have some peace at least knowing where he was and not worrying he was buried in a shallow grave somewhere or laying in a ditch. Anyway, when he was released we did everything (I mean, everything) we possibly could to support him and shield him from his former "friends" (for lack of a better term). We helped him get a job (by means of friends in good places), allowed him to get his learner's permit (prior to this I refused to let him drive, because I felt if I knew there was a chance he was under the influence and I still let him drive, the blood would be on my hands when he hurt/killed someone), supported him by attending NA meetings, signed him up for college courses, etc, etc. During the time he was in juvie and when he was released, we told him this was it. We were 100% behind him, supporting him, giving him everything he needed to stay sober. If he made the choice to go back to his old lifestyle, we were done until he could prove he was ready to change. We had been dealing with the substance abuse for 4 years, the behavioral issues his whole life, and we cannot continue to let him suck the lifeblood out of us forever.
Anyway, he did well for a few months, sought out his old crowd, began using again, and then the arrest. This time around, we decided not to interfere with the legal process at all. We didn't push for any type of punishment, nor did we seek leniency. The state had the discretion to waive him to adult court, which would have made a felony record, or keep the charge juvenile (he was a couple months short of his 18th birthday). We just let things take their course. Of course, there were 3 months in between the arrest and his court date, during which time his drug use spiraled, hideous behavior returned, etc, etc. We laid out rules for him continuing to live with us after he turned 18 (consisted of 1) You either go to college, or you work, or you do both; 2) You stay sober and do not ever bring drugs into our home and you behave respectfully while in our home 3) You help with household expenses, either through a minimal payment of $40/week or through contributing to household chores). This was unacceptable to him, so on his 18th birthday he was out. There was about 16 days between that time and his court date, during which he was a couch surfer. This experience did not change his attitude about using.
The State left his charge juvenile but sentenced him to an adult jail facility for 30 days, which is where he is currently. We are not providing commissary money (did that the first time, told him if he was ever arrested again we wouldn't be doing that). But I have acccepted a couple of calls from him.
I don't know your difficult child, and I don't know his history. Mine is not too troubled by his stay in jail. He says it's much easier than juvie (no strict times to get out your bed and make it, no schooling required, no therapy required, you don't have to call the guards "sir", etc). I suspect when he is released he'll go back to his old lifestyle again, confident that he can survive jail again if he must. But we will help him when he has shown us that he is ready to change. I won't believe lip service, I'll have to see some action.
Now, the other side of this story is your Mom heart. I know the anxiety you are feeling. The questions that weigh on your heart: Will he be treated properly? How will this affect his future? What will happen? How will this ever get any better? What should I do? What shouldn't I do? Who can help? The answers to many things are unknown. But this much we know (even if we don't WANT to know it): The choice is his. He CAN change. He CAN be a productive member of society. He CAN stay out of trouble. The real question to ask is: Does he WANT to? Is he willing to put forth the effort to try? Only he can answer these questions. And, you must ask yourself: What am I willing to put up with in my home and in my life? Only you can answer these questions.
Sometimes we moms get so close to the forest that we can't see the trees. Then the trees start crashing down around us and we're so deep into the forest that we can't find our way back out. Besides, the road out is so painful! Detachment could more aptly be described as "amputation" because it's just as traumatic. How many nights have I lain awake? More than I've slept through. At least while he's in jail, I know he's warm, has clothing, has food, etc. And there's always the chance that this experience will make an impact. Because it's human nature not to change something until it becomes too uncomfortable to live with. Jail may just be the discomfort your difficult child needs to change.
Hopefully this was a helpful response. Just knowing that someone else has been where you are, thinks like you do, struggles like you, will hopefully give you strength in whatever decision you make.
Good luck and take care,
Petunia