When will I learn to just keep my mouth shut?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by gcvmom, Aug 23, 2011.

  1. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    If husband is frustrated and falling apart, I should just smile and nod and let him figure it out. Let him vent, let him carry on. Lord knows I enjoy a good vent as much as the next person. So why shouldn't he?

    Here's where I messed up:

    He called me on his way to work yesterday in a panic because he thought he'd missed an appointment for an MRI that morning (he gets one yearly to monitor a small growth in his brain). Said he'd called the facility but only got voice mail and wanted to let me know they might be calling home. Later that afternoon called to say he finally connected with the scheduling office and they had no record of him having an appointment that day. So that's good, in a way. But not so good that he put himself through all that stress, which he's under enough of right now.

    This afternoon he sends me a text to say he won't be able to work from home tomorrow like he usually tries to do. Turns out he forgot he had a meeting to run this morning and got up late and ended up being 20 minutes late for it, so the other people in the meeting rescheduled it for tomorrow. This isn't the first time he's done this. And it's not the first time he's forgotten a doctor/dentist appointment he's made. Which is kinda funny, because when other people in the family make mistakes, he's the first one to tell them how to fix the problem or do it better next time!

    I asked if he'd checked his calendar on his phone about the meeting the night before,
    to which he replied no.
    Why not?
    Because it was Sunday!
    (Ummm, no, last night was Monday and what's Sunday got to do with not checking your calendar?)
    Then he starts ranting about why that would mean he'd have to bring his phone upstairs every night to check his schedule.
    And why is that a problem, and why do you have to bring it upstairs, and why does it matter where you look at it?
    And I opened my big fat mouth and started to talk to him like a difficult child, reminding him that he might make life less stressful on himself if he would go back to use the tools he has at hand for making things easier. And that pi$$ed him off and he started grumbling even more about all the stupid little things he has to do to get ready for bed, for work, etc. At that point I decided it was time to go clean the litter box in the garage because difficult child 2 was nearby in the kitchen and started yelling at us to both shut up.

    At least tonight he went to bed early (for him) and didn't stay up until midnight or later playing spider solitaire and watching TV. Last night he said he just could shut his brain off.

    I feel bad for husband, but his stress is completely self-induced and he's stretched too thin to even see it. :rolleyes:
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, good news is he'll get over it. And maybe what you said had an impact since it peeved him off.

    I'd have him call and check when that MRI is due and make sure there is an appointment in place and the date and time. Then he can at least stop worrying over that one for now.

  3. ML

    ML Guest

    That's a tough one. It's hard not to talk to husband's like difficult children when they are acting like one. Detachment is tough in this situation. I would have had trouble holding my tongue as well Hugs.
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Its hard to change the tune when the behavior is the same.

    My husband has been telling people how fast-paced his life is lately...how he just doesn't have time for this or that. Makes me want to puke. When you have time for HOURS a day in front of a screen? I don't want to hear about your stressful, chaotic life...
  5. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Gcv, have you ever considered rehearsing?

    When you're calm and not in the middle of a husband-panic, come up with a few neutral phrases that you can say to detach yourself from the conversation. Then say them over and over again. Out loud. Try different vocal inflections, try stringing phrases together, try coming up with variations on the theme so that you're not using the same words each time, etc. By doing so, you're creating a little neural pathway. Those phrases will come to mind and roll off your tongue easily.

    This is one of the techniques I use to "pass for normal" among the neurotypicals. I am just AWFUL at small-talk, so I practice at home when I'm not in a real conversation. That way, people I'm talking to are not subjected to the Aspie Blank Stare when I run out of things to say that involve actual content. I've since found that it also works like a charm in stopping difficult child conversations dead in their tracks.

    Might be worth a try...