Withdrawing blessings on Diva's wedding

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Andy, May 23, 2012.

  1. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I want her out! Verbal abuse - talks of wedding night goal is to get drunk at the reception so is demanding co- workers get invites because they want to come and watch. Takes her from being happy at a successful day at work to feeling worthless in less than 3 hours. Has to find blame in everything. Can not handle plan changes without trying to put blame somewhere. Has her in tears a lot. Is either pouting or raging.

    We are getting through to her that this is not good. Everything else in her life is so happy and she ends up having him tear that happiness apart because he can not handle her success. His attitude is that she is a diva princess but he can control that.

    She told her dad that she has already made too many plans and spent too much $$$ to back out! No! It is never too late to leave this abusive behaviour! We want you to walk away from this regardless of $$$ spent. Your future is at risk!

    I really pray that something horrible happens before the day if that is what it will take to save her!
     
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    *She is starting to get it but will it sink in in time? August 11th wedding!
     
  3. keista

    keista New Member

    Praying it sinks in! maybe you can just get her to "postpone" the wedding because it's obviously causing a lot of stress in their relationship.

    The money already spent is nothing compared to what the wrong marriage will cost in the long run. If she's got any inkling that this is NOT a forever deal, I pray she sees the light and gets out, even if it is the day of.
     
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Andy--

    I think brides DO get caught up in all the pressure and obligations of planning a wedding. I think you need to sit her down, look her straight in the eye, and let her know that NO amount of money already spent will be worth it if this is not a good match for her. Let her know that you will help her either way...and if she has even the slightest doubt about this marriage - you can help her undo things if that's what she needs. You just want her to be HAPPY.
     
  5. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I second DaisyFace.

    People do get caught on their plans and changing direction can seem impossible. Do sit her down and calmly remind her that while jumping out from the moving car may seem impossible, that is something you have to do, if the said car is headed to the cliff. Tell her that you are worried how her fiancée treats her and makes her feel, but that you of course don't know everything about how things are between them and that you support her, whatever she chooses to do. That what ever has been planned can be cancelled and you would help her with that. And it is probably advisable to repeat often that while you have concerns, you trust her and her decisions and support them and are not trying to tell her, what she should be doing.
     
  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hoping she'll come to her senses.. I know it's difficult. Watching as your child makes a disastrous mistake can be heartbreaking. It's a helpless feeling.

    Unfortunately, I remember my own wedding to my kids' dad... and standing there thinking, "wth am I doing? I don't want to do this.. this guy is a jerk... but it's too late." So I did it anyway. It's awfully tough to walk away, the embarrassment is a lot to face. Hopefully knowing she has your support will help her find the strength.
     
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I pray she will end it and get to feel the relief that will wash over her. Obviously you are right, no amount of money is worth a lifetime of unhappiness. So great she has your support.
     
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I almost backed out of my wedding to XH. I should have. I didn't want to disappoint my parents, and all that money...

    I am praying & pretzeling she will see the light. Sooner than August!
     
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    People postpone weddings quite a bit. Would she consider postponing it?

    I realize she's put lots of money into this wedding..........but odds are a divorce will cost her more, not to mention the time and pain involved.

    I worried about this sort of thing before Nichole and her husband married. It was his habit to tear her down, twist things around to always being her fault......yadda yadda. Their abrupt separation after bff died............well, only thing I can say is that for all the enormous mess that was...........it showed him how deeply he did care for Nichole, how much he actually loved her. Same for her too. They looked at each other differently after that. And I've watched them mature and grow together since.........so that when the wedding happened last year, I wasn't thinking omg this is an utter disaster waiting to happen.

    As for Diva's emotions being all over the place, it's fairly normal to some extent, but I'm guessing her SO is making it more severe.

    (((hugs)))
     
  10. Rabbit

    Rabbit Member

    I am praying Diva will figure things out in time , Sending Hugs Rabbit
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I don't normally interfer in my grown children's decisions, but he is abusing her. I hope she figures it out. Are you paying for the wedding?

    Lots of prayers in your direction. Can your family do an intervention?
     
  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    If the money spent is buying her unhappiness, then I agree she should let it go. No amout of money is worth even one day of real emotional pain. She is lucky to have you in her corner. Hoping she finds the strength to do what is right for her. -RM
     
  13. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I don't get a lot of input into her decisions and try really hard not to interfere but I was scared for her. She says she is never afraid and knows he has a problem. The wedding money is from one of her accounts. I told her we can use the remaining to help with rent of a small apartment if she does choose to walk away.

    I have to be very careful or she will shut me out completely again. She did shut the door a little when I shared with a few friends. I need to keep a door ajar so I can be there if he does hurt her. I don't want her thinking I will play a told you so card or she will not turn to me for help.

    I just ask her to look at what she really wants in life and if this path is taking her off course that no one will be upset or judge her if she changes it. In fact, everyone will be happy that she has left a potential horrible future. I tell her that if even one standard is low, then it is ok to walk. Good times do NOT outweigh the bad in domestic violence situations even if she doesn't feel fear.

    I think she is going to stop telling me about these rages so that I will no longer know the level of them. I have started to ask her if she is safe hoping that hearing that word will get her to thinking about what it means and knowing Mom wants her to be safe.
     
  14. keista

    keista New Member

    I found myself thinking about Diva today. I guess it was triggered by a discussion at brunch with a friend having major difficulties with her husband and she's getting ready to walk. This got me thinking of my FH and Diva popped in my head as well. You mentioned that she has expressed concerns/doubts. I wish I could tell her that if those doubts are more than fleeting she should heed them and not look back.

    I remembered that I had not a doubt in my mind when I got married. However, I *should* have. I *should have* recognized signs that we were not compatible. I *should have* recognized that he was lying. I *should have* realized he wasn't EXACTLY what I was looking for. But, I didn't. I'm not beating myself up here, I'm just pointing our that I entered a marriage with 100% confidence that it would last forever and it ended up being difficult, to say the least, and dissolved before forever. Entering marriage with less than that level of certainty seriously reduces the odds of success.

    I'll keep praying Diva sees the light and finds the strength to make the very best decision for herself and her future.
     
  15. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    The best thing you can do is listen to her. It is very hard to listen because you want to fix it.
     
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Is Diva at all religious and or is she getting married in a religious ceremony? If so, could you recommend some sort of premarital counseling? Even if they arent religious, premarital counseling is a wonderful idea because a couple should get everything out on the table before that big day. No one seems to think about all those big things like kids, religion, money, inlaws, vacations, holidays, how the tp is to be hung, squeeze from the top or the middle, all the little stuff that can really drive people insane.

    Many people end up married expecting they will have 2 kids only to find out their spouse cant stand kids! How on earth does that happen?
     
  17. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I have talked to the pastor who will be marrying them. They had attended at least one meeting with him and he was in the process of setting up the follow up meeting to review their evaluations of themselves and each other.

    I am now at the point that the more I tell her to walk the more determined she is to make it work. So time to switch my strategy to keep her thinking but not making it appear to be telling her what to do.
     
  18. buddy

    buddy New Member

    That sounds very wise.
     
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I had a lot of those same - OMG this cost a small fortune - thoughts and even walking down the AISLE - My Father's best attempt at getting me to change my mind from getting wedded to Satan was....."Sure is a lot of good food upstairs...maybe we should just turn around and get the tackle box and poles and go fishing?" THE MINUTE my mind even CONSIDERED leaving to go fishing with my Dad?????? OMG I should have run out of that church like my hair was on fire. Shoulda,wooda,coulda.........didn't.....life of misery ensued. Life away from my family, life of raisisng a difficult child, life of being battered, tortured, abused.....life in hell. TIME WASTED.....and years in therapy to find the otherside. Not so much life wasted - because I did gain a tremendous amount of knowledge and know things - loads of things - but wow what a way to get an education. One I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy - who is actually - my ex husband. Whom I now pray for to find peace in his life before he dies. But mostly to stay away from me.


    I asked years later WHY My Mom never voiced her opinions about the RUMBLING MOUNTAIN that I was about to marry. She said her opinion in my life wouldn't have mattered. I scoffed at the easy out answer but you know what? In actuality I believe she was right. Hell bent for leather I was going to marry this man I had met 17 days ago who swept me off my feet and was so charming and beguiling. I stuck with it for 13 years, and one child....a tortured soul still to this day. 21 years later - This mans opinions, his actions, his behaviors, his wrongdoings....his hate, lust, mean tempered, mentally ill, sickness - is still spanning generations and had I listened to my own heart walking down that aisle and put THINGS on hold? THINGS?????

    Can a cake be rebaked? YES.
    Can a hall be re=rented? SURE - it's been there HOW LONG?
    Can people come to a party later? Well duh - think back to hown many partyies you've gone to as kids that were bombs/flops - and this one doesn't have exceptions - it's YOUR party for life.
    Can a dress be altered later? ABSOLUTELY.
    What about being embarrassed in front of all those people? SINCE WHEN does anyones opinion matter but MINE?
    What about him saying something like - WELL IF YOU LOVE ME - it's now or never? .....Well babboon if you love ME.....YOU will wait until I AM READY----next month next year - and if we're right? I'll know it. Doesn't have to be RIGHT NOW. (I"ve been engaged for 13 years) ----NOT A BIG DEAL......Last Time I said I do - It DID NOT -and things went south like (snap) that quick. So Once bitten - twice shy - and this guy even took his shoe off and THREW it on the floor and said 'THERE darlin' the other shoe dropped. Nothing to wait for now - but you." And he smiles every day ------and waits every day - and is happy every day just to have whatever we have - and is grateful.

    SO to recap - PRESSURE does NOT =HAPPY MARRIAGE.

    Marriage is NOT about - cake, dress, and sadness - stress and bridezilla - and if those are the top things in her life right now? Then what MARRIAGE is about isn't entering her mind and her MARRIGE isn't going to survive anyway - so why bother? She should be happy, and giddy, and smiling,,,,,,thinking about her future, and him........and her vows....how very special they are. And her committment and promises...to God on being a wife. I think if those things aren't entering your mind? For a lifetime committment? Then step away from it. Some of those things were in my mind when I got married. My committment was - but his wasn't. He'd lied about almost everything....and he was controlling....and mean, and abusive......he did not have a job. He didn't have a home. He took me from my family and I haven't been back in almost 30 years. So it happens. It was nothing but a big mess - and all because he said "I love you." and I believed him. I wanted to believe him - or I hoped I believed him. I had no idea what it was.....I do now. (shrug) but we all have a life to live....and sadly you can't live hers. IF her's is meant to be the same as mine was - not much you can do about it, but I think talking to the pastor is a good thing.....however if she's not grounded in faith? It's going to be like preaching to the choir. She'll listen - figure the rules don't apply to her - and move in her own direction anyway.

    I'd recommend S&W.......for her Dad. 30 caliber should do .......lol. (just kidding just kidding) .20 would get it done........lol.
     
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Maybe you should have this song playing every time he comes over.
     
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