Working really hard to not be angry at my son

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Apr 3, 2009.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I have been working really hard to not be angry. Be supportive, let difficult child know I appreciate his hard work at school.

    As I mentioned I have a three week stretch of working so with the nights, I am usually in bed when difficult child gets home and he is in bed when I get up. Been checking school online. After first day of quarter he had A+ in all classes. Second day A+...Yesterday - I have class these two days so I am able to give him a ride to school yesterday and today. He didn't bring his folder home on Wednesday night. (accordian style with all subjects for less to lose). I asked him why. He said he finished his homework at school. Then he tells me he is sick needs to stay home. I check him out and said he seems fine, get up and try to go.

    He then asks if he can just stay home cause he is so tired. I replied, "seems to me that maybe someone didn't do their homework". He said no, I did it. Got ready and went to school.

    Checked online school before I left work. Math - worksheet=incomplete. Homework = 0

    He called me after school and I asked if he brought his math home. He said, "are you mad". I only replied...disappointed. And that he lied.

    He then said that the kids on the bus took his folder away. When he tried to get it back the accordian part ripped and his papers went all over. Being only the second day of the quarter he didn't need those papers. So after school he went and got duplicates from the math teacher. He asked if he could just have regular folders since the kids make fun of him with the other. OK. we can try that. But now he has double the homework. What I DIDN'T want to happen. Wish he would of said that the previous night. He still could of done his homework he knew what it was.

    No yelling. No angry words. Thought it went well.

    Backup to weekend. I gave easy child my debit card and asked him to get gas for me. Sunday when I got home from work I asked for my card back. He said he put it on the shelf next to the couch. husband and difficult child all said they saw it there. We all start looking. difficult child disappears into his room. comes out and is looking Under the couch. OH - HERE it is!!!

    I have my suspicions (sp???) since difficult child has been known to take my card in the past and purchase things for xbox and this STUPID online game that I absolutely HATE. He is addicted to this stupid RUNESCAPE game.

    Last run in with this was in December. THEN I questioned why he had my card and he admitted what he did and reversed the charges. I did check my bank and he DID reverse it.

    I got my merit increase at work, plus a ton of overtime last week. So last night I am sitting with husband and said I am going to logon to the bank and see what my pay was (payday). OMG - we have had some unexpected things come up so we were running real low. Overdraft charges...two of them. I start looking. SIX - charges. FOUR to RUNESCAPE. TWO for PAYPAL. OMG, I almost fell off my chair. It was done on Monday and Tuesday. I had my card then so he must of had my number. husband gets him and drills him. I do not have a PAYPAL account. Looks like I do now!!

    difficult child said he put the number in his phone. He deleted it. OMG. This caused two overdraft charges. I told difficult child this. He says he is sorry and asks what he can do. He has DONE this MANY times in the past. He KNOW it is wrong. he KNOWS he is STEALING.

    Logon this morning. There is ANOTHER charge for RUNESCAPE. Date says 4/3. He must of done it after school, or later in the evening and it went through after midnight. I am hoping. Total for this stupid game $112.65

    I am going to have husband take him to the bank when he gets home from work today. He is going to withdraw that amount from HIS account. Not that he cares. He probably will just blow this off.

    husband asked me to get another card. However - I have a lot of bills tied to this debit card that I pay online. If I forget to change one of those the bill will be denied and I will have a late payment. It is just a really big hastle.

    Do I trust he doesn't do it again? When he has done it so many times in the past? I am just sick.

    I felt myself getting really angry last night so I just told him I do not want to see him right now and went to my room. To bed at 7pm. I am hoping I can hold it together this morning when I give him a ride to school. I really hate fighting. I hate losing my temper. I hate saying things I should not say.

    husband laid into him without yelling which was good.

    Sometime when I have time (have to get ready for class) I will let you know how he is with the depersonalization/derealization, Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) , depression that has been running wild with him.

    Thanks for listening. I am so glad I have a place to talk about difficult child without people telling me how bad he is.
  2. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    been there done that with the debit card/Pay Pal account as well issues a few years back. I do believe the Pay Pal is linked with your checking account and NOT your debit card. I would be making him give you the Pay Pal password so you can log on, and go and close the account. Plus Pay Pal actually has a debit card your difficult child can get that is tied to your bank checking. You will actually have to call the bank and block any PayPal charges going to your bank account. It might be wise to stop him being able to just call your bank and do stop payments, etc. like he was the cardholder.

  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I know it is a little late now, but I think that the FIRST time he showed that he could not be responsible is the LAST time he should have been entrusted with the card. Yes, it's nice to have somebody get gas for you--but how convenient did that turn out to be?

    At this point, I really do think that you need to act as though a stranger stole your wallet. Have the card replaced. Call the bank....I'm sure there is a way that they can help transfer all of the automatic payments to the new card number without too much hassle (after all, you're not the only one who has ever had a debit card stolen). If the card is canceled, Paypal cannot charge it.

    And when you get the new card, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is your son to ever get his hands on it.

    Best of luck--

  4. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    My 2 cents (and my difficult child 1 has similar impulse control issues):

    1. Revoke ALL online access with the computer for him. For a MONTH. If you don't have a way to password protect your computer, find a way to get the software so that you CAN. There needs to be a consequence that he will understand.

    2. Close the Paypal account and the Runescape account. (My difficult child 1 is addicted to this as well -- his friend plays it with him.)

    3. Request a new debit card. Write down which online accounts you have set up for automatic payment with your old one before you cancel the card and temporarily stop the automatic payments. It's a pain to have to do this, I know. But the pain of having your checking account drained and being dinged for overdrafts is much more painful in my opinion.

    4. Never EVER allow difficult child to have access to your credit/debit cards again. EVER. If he wants you to buy something for him online again, YOU must do it for him. Or not. You are not obligated to provide this service at all.

    You have to proceed under the assumption that this WILL happen again. You have the right to be angry AND hurt, and he needs to understand the impact his choices have made on someone close to him. He STOLE from you. He HURT you. Maybe if they are put into simplistic terms like that he will get the message.

    We had difficult child 1 stealing money from our wallets about a year ago, and then lying about where it came from. The therapist I took him to really focused on personalizing what he did to us and got him thinking about the emotions and feelings he caused because of what he did. That seemed to sink in more than the moralizing about it.

    It's a lousy feeling to have when your difficult child violates a boundary like this. It's good you are trying to be calm about it -- I know that the more my difficult child is anxious about something, the faster he buries his head in the sand and refuses to deal with it honestly. It's hard to not yell when you are royally ticked, but you will be more effective with what you are trying to teach if you can remain calm.

  5. It looks like you really have gotten some good suggestions. My difficult child is addicted to Runescape too as well as one called Martial Heroes. He is always asking about money for them.

    I hate using Paypal. I used to have a Paypal account that I had used for something and I had it so that payments would go to my debit card. Well I didn't use it for awhile and I completely forgot the login information for it. When I allowed difficult child to buy some points for his game, I re-set up a Paypal account. I can't use my debit card, because it is tied into the other account. Anyway, I had put in the information for my credit card. I left it in there, well about 2 weeks ago, difficult child had asked if he could buy some points for Martial Heroes, I told him no because my credit card is close to maxed and I can't use the debit card on there. Well, I was checking my email later that day and I get an email saying that a transaction had been processed. $50 had been charged to my credit card! Of course, difficult child had no idea how it happened. I was so mad! I immediately went in and removed the credit card from the paypal account.

    I would get the password from him and go into the paypal account. You can either cancel the paypal account, or you can just remove the debit card from being able to be used. Then if by chance he does hit the buy button, there wont be any way for it to get paid.

    Also, Runescape charges a monthly fee how is this getting paid? We pay $5.00 per month for difficult child's runescape account. Well, it actually is closer to $7.00 because of some stupid fee because Runescape is operated out of the country.

  6. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Christy, you can access Runescape without signing up for the membership fee. It just means you have limited access to the types of things you can do. I refused to let my difficult child 1 sign up for membership because I know it will open up a can of worms for us.
  7. C.J.

    C.J. New Member

    Kjs, There was good news in this post!

    "I got my merit increase at work, plus a ton of overtime last week. So last night I am sitting with husband and said I am going to logon to the bank and see what my pay was (payday)." and "husband laid into him without yelling which was good."

    husband is sitting with you discussing finances (not all on your shoulder) and husband is disciplining difficult child (You did not have to the bad guy). I hope husband is being more the parent and less the good buddy to your son.

    GvcMom said it first, but I agree. Remove all computer access for difficult child for some time - and replace his computer time with something he doesn't like much - perhaps there is some yard work (leaves, twigs, branches, pinecones) that need to be cleaned up. Does the basement or garage need to be swept out or re-organized? Have you got any junk that needs to be moved out? How about holes that need to be dug for some flowers or shrubs?
  8. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this.

    I agree with Gcvmom and CJ's advice, that you change your card, discontinue difficult child's online Runescape and PayPal accounts, and never let him have access to your card.

    This is a huge betrayal of your trust, and one that he has done before. I think that in addition to the above consequences, your difficult child should also have to face the natural consequences of losing your trust.

    When my difficult child showed a continuing pattern of stealing from us, the whole family went on lockdown. Key locks on all interior doors. difficult child's access to certain rooms in the house (all bedrooms other than his own, my office, the basement, etc.) eliminated or severely restricted unless direct supervision by me or husband was available. I carried my purse with me at all times, and wore all keys on a lanyard around my neck. difficult child's backpack was searched daily, and his room was searched 2 or 3 times per week. I made it clear to him that my default response was not believe him because he had broken my trust so many times. So, without independent verification I assumed anything he told me was a lie.

    I don't know that you have to take things to this extreme with your difficult child, but he does have to understand the seriousness of his actions, how they affect the whole family, and how they have repercussions.

    And,congratulations on the merit raise at work!

  9. Star*

    Star* call 911

    So you got a raise huh? What did you get me? lol. Congratulations on that.

    I'm reading and thinking OMG this is serious. What if he does it with someone elses card? But then I'm thinking - HOW irresponsible of easy child to just lay a card around knowing difficult child has issues? I'm kinda upset with easy child. Cards go in a hand cards come back to a hand NOT a shelf. NEW HOUSE RULE. Glad he got your gas though, that was nice.

    I absolutely 110% agree that you need to follow GCV Mom's advice - it's spot on, and the best way to prevent this from happening again. I would add 1 thing BECAUSE - I too have a difficult child......and had to change my debit cards linked to all my bills which was a HUGE pain and I had NO time - working 15 hours a day. But I did it. - HOwever - Call your bank and ask if they have ONE click bill pay. Our bank is currently offering a $10 bonus if you log on line with them - and then list all your bills to pay with them - and then you just use your bank site with your debit card to pay your billls - one password one number, one expiration date. VERY EASY.

    I agree that the computer would be gone for a month -

    What was the consequence for the homework lie? Have you had a chance to write out consequences so punishment is a no-brainer, no-argument process?

    I'm really proud VERY VERY proud of you for not yelling, and not arguing. Seems like when you are backing off - DAD is coming to life......VERY GOOD DAD.

    I see bumps but I still see healing! GOOD JOB MOM!

  10. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Just to clarify, I gave easy child the Debit card to get gas. He returned it but left it on the shelf. That is when it disappeared. difficult child took it from the shelf and used it. easy child did not use it. He did as I asked.

    One of the charges for Runescape difficult child said was a YEARLY membership, therefore there will not bee the monthly charge.

    I tried to contact Runescape - however it is in another country and I can't get through to anyone.

    I will close the paypal account. I do not use it.

    difficult child had to go into the bank, fill out a withdrawl and withdraw money by himself. (we were in the background) That doesn't phase him though.

    The computer is off limits unless it is for homework.

    I hate this game. He has been "sad" and would rather sit and play that game for 8 hours than get dressed and do anything. I just hate it.

    I need the computer for small work issues, so disconnecting it is not going to happen.

    I did good before school yesterday. He told me when we almost were at school, that he was really afraid to get up because he thought I would yell. I told him I am working very hard at not losing control, but just because I didn't yell doesn't mean I am not extremely angry.

    Thanks for all your advice. Just wondering - because I know the kids talk to others when they play, I wonder if our kids that play this game are talking to each other???
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Just because the computer is needed for work does NOT mean difficult child needs access to it. You can get various ways to lock him out, or just take the keyboard adn mouse away when YOU are not using it. Or move it into your bedroom so he CANNOT get to it.

    You also need to make sure that easy child knows in the future to not put the card anywhere but into your hand if he does a favor that he needs it for.

    I would cancel/revoke the runescape account. We did this with a number of different games through the years when Wiz would pull something like this or he would get to the point he would play the game and refuse to do schoolwork or homework. Part of getting to play games was always having to have good grades. No grades, no games, no discussion.

    Cancel the paypal, but don't think that difficult child won't set up another paypal acct. You just need the card that is not tied to an acct and an email addy. So if you close the paypal acct he can use the card (and he problem has the number memorized or written down) to start another acct. It would be easier to get the paypal acct password from difficult child and change it to something he can't hack easily. And do NOT write it down!!!

    I think it is awesome that you haven't yelled at him. I know it was so HARD not to when Wiz was doing this kind of stuff. Be PROUD of yourself!!

    For us even telling Wiz how much his actions hurt, and not trusting him for a fairly long period of time made NO impact on his behavior. The ONLY thing that finally got him to stop was charging him TWICE the amt that he stole from us. So if it was $100, he had to pay us back $200. I KNOW it sounds extreme. We did EVERYTHING we could think of other than this. But this was the ONLY way it got through to Wiz. because he looked at future uses as though he was just taking his own $$ out of the bank. But he wouldn't take out his own $$, and if we loaned him $$ for something he asked us for he would have major tantrums about repaying us. No matter that it was to repay a loan, he ALWAYS told us and everyone else that we were STEALING from him if he had to pay us back for something we bought for him. (Yeah, I just HAD to have that pack of pokemon cards or that computer game. Sure I did.)

    So when we found him stealing from us we told him that he had to pay us interest. He knew what it was (had been charging Jessie interest for YEARS on things she borrowed - like his books!). It wasn't until he had 2 MAJOR amounts of $$ and had to pay us back twice the amount by taking out the $$ from the bank and putting CASH into our hands that he stopped stealing.

    I really think you need to put some key locks on doors to your bedroom and to whatever room the computer is in. Then don't let the keys be anywhere but on your person or husband's person.
  12. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    How is the computer connected to the internet? Modem? Ethernet line running to a plug in the wall? Take the cord with you when you leave the house.

    I know the hassles of changing cards - ours was "compromised" (not by our kids, our bank's computers were hijacked) and I had to do this. But I still think you need to so your are covering all your bases.

    You have to somehow - and I'm not sure how - get it across to difficult child that what he's done, twice now, is not just wrong, it is STEALING. Which is against the law.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im sorry...I would be extremely hard on this one. It is stealing plain and simple. I wish I had been harder on this when it first happened to me. Cory started with stealing my Debit card. He used it various ways. He used it online, he used it at the bank, he used it at a store or two. Never for a whole lot of money...just 10 or 20 bucks. One time he tried to reserve a hotel room but I caught that before it went through. I always yelled, threatened to call the cops, and made him pay me back. He always said he was sorry...never would do it again...yada yada.

    Of course, he did. I had to learn the hard way that he didnt care enough about me to think that my money was mine and that he wasnt free to just take it. What utter gall. He actually stole from me! It was such a feeling of betrayal. Then I had to do something I never imagined I would have to do...I had to swear out warrants against my own son for theft. I can only believe that if I had come down harder on him when he was a young teen that maybe he wouldnt have stolen from me when he was older. I allowed him to learn to walk all over me. He has now learned that momma dont take no carp!
  14. ML

    ML Guest

    OMG KJS I'm so sorry! I don't have anything to add and basically agree with what the general consensus is. Delete what you can, cancel the card as soon as you move over the related bills to a new card. I don't think I would give another chance, this is too serious. Ugh. ML
  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kjs, nothing to add but I want to say that I think it is great you are not doing any yelling while dealing with this. I know it's hard.