Worried and alone

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by bethe, Sep 13, 2015.

  1. bethe

    bethe New Member

    My son is 43. He has spent most of his life behind bars. In fact he told me recently he counted up all the time in jail and prison, it was 19 years and 8 months. I have stood by him through it all.
    Today he is homeless. My husband won't let him back in the house to live. He was here yesterday to shower and do some laundry. I gave him money when he left. My heart break, just like so many others.
    I have spent countless hours in therapy. My son's daughter that lived with her other grandparents in another state took her life two years ago, she was 14.
    My son told me yesterday that he will never have a home. It makes me so sad.
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    It is sad. But it is his choice. Why has he been in jail? If it's drugs never give him money. If you have to pay for something do it yourself never give it to him.

    I'm so sorry about your granddaughter
  3. bethe

    bethe New Member

    Thank u. Mostly he has been a repeat offender, won't do what the court asks of him so he violates his parole, then back to jail.it's been a revolving door.
    My granddaughter was the light in our lives, I miss her so much. Thank u for your kind words
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so very sorry bethe. I can't pretend to know how you feel and how much you miss your granddaughter but I have watched many of my daughters acquaintances from rehab die of heroin overdose so I've seen the pain parents and grandparents like you have faced.

    Sending hugs of comfort to you. The only thing I can say about your son is that we all have choices in this life and he now has a choice to turn his life around.
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Bethe, welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for the reasons you are here, but please know this is a place of support, encouragement, and ideas---ideas to help YOU cope and thrive in particular.

    Most of us have been through the same painful, grief-filled situations with our beloved sons and daughters here.

    There are so many stories, but the basics are usually the same.

    And it comes down to this: how do we go on when our precious children (and grandchildren in your case) are lost? Lost to themselves or lost to us?

    It's so hard. Clearly, you have spent years dealing with your son's choices, and now your granddaughter's death.

    I am so sorry for your grief and your pain.

    Looking at my own experience, my grief was a part of my recovery process. I had to give in to it in order to get through it.

    It lasted for a long, long time, a couple of years, about my son's choices, but over time, well before he started doing better, it started to subside. And in its place was a new clarity and a sense of detachment with love.

    That is what I had been working toward, and finally it started to happen.

    It did take work, and daily effort, going to Al-Anon, getting a sponsor, taking advantage of special seminars and workshops, writing in a journal, filling my mind with recovery thinking, learning about boundaries and detachment and being separate from other people. It took a lot of work around the idea of acceptance...first of myself, and then of other people, and letting go of the "Cinderella stories" I had in my own mind.

    Bethe, we can help you here with all of that if you haven't started the process already.

    Sadness and deep grief are so hard, because it's hard to function in the middle of that. I think we have to change our schedules for a time, to accommodate the fatigue and to make time to feel the feelings of grief.

    Please share with us, if you'd like to, how you are doing, and how we can help.

    I am so sorry for the losses you have suffered in your life. Warm hugs for you this morning. We are here for you, and we care.
  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi, Bethe

    Welcome to the forum.

    I'm sorry about the terrible loss of your granddaughter.

    Please stay with us. It helps to write it all down.

  7. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    He Bethe....my son is also 43 and has been arrested numerous times. I have decided to make some changes since what I have been doing has not worked. I have decided to detach. This is the hardest thing I have ever attempted. I have not seen or talked with my son in months. He is currently living on the streets. He had two felony warrants and was arrested the end of last month for forging a check. He is already out of jail!! My husband (not bio dad) will not let my son live in our home either. When he did live here, he stole my 357 pistol. I have tried everything I can think of to help him. Sometimes I want to see him and give him a hug, but I am trying to stay strong and hopefully he will pay his debt to society and work on rebuilding his life. My son has two children, a daughter and a son. My granddaughter was seeing a psychiatrist and it seemed to help (she is 20). My grandson hasn't been in any counseling but his mom is a counselor thankfully. So sorry for the lose of your precious granddaughter. Take one day at a time. This forum has lots of great advise. Hugs to you and keep posting.