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Parent Emeritus
11 Months Clean, Using Marijuana Again and More, Just Stunned.
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 661424" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>First, I am so sorry. And I am so proud of you and your resolve. You clearly have been through a lot and have come out on the "other side." Keep going. </p><p></p><p>Relapse IS part of the disease. It's so crushing for us when they relapse, but it almost always happens to all alcoholics and addicts---multiple times---not just once. It doesn't mean he is bad or anything like that, but it DOES mean (I believe) that we can't allow ourselves to get too involved with our DCs....ever.</p><p></p><p>I believe your story is a cautionary tale for someone like me. My son has been doing much better for a year.</p><p>I, too, want to help someone who is trying to help themselves, but I don't think people go in a straight line and that makes it very very hard and confusing for us.</p><p></p><p>The short answer is likely to be: Do as little as possible. Never offer any help at all until and unless we are asked, and then take a few days to think about the request. Don't tie our help to their outcome. In other words, help if you decide that is what you want to do, and the indications are clear, but let go of the outcome. Don't make conditions and don't put strings on it.</p><p></p><p>My Difficult Child is "talking about" going to school in the fall. We'll see if it comes about. And if it does, I would like to help him with some or part of his bills during the year he will be in school. But...I will freely admit...I am not comfortable with it at all. I am trying to go very slowly on this. We'll see.</p><p></p><p>I think it's karma/God's coincidence that you need a car right now, and you already own one that he is driving. I so agree with your going and getting that car.</p><p></p><p>Let this go, and see what he does. He has a lot of recovery under his belt already. I am hoping and praying he goes back to the program and to his sponsor, and begins again. </p><p></p><p>Keep sharing with us. You have a lot of great learning to give others.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 661424, member: 17542"] First, I am so sorry. And I am so proud of you and your resolve. You clearly have been through a lot and have come out on the "other side." Keep going. Relapse IS part of the disease. It's so crushing for us when they relapse, but it almost always happens to all alcoholics and addicts---multiple times---not just once. It doesn't mean he is bad or anything like that, but it DOES mean (I believe) that we can't allow ourselves to get too involved with our DCs....ever. I believe your story is a cautionary tale for someone like me. My son has been doing much better for a year. I, too, want to help someone who is trying to help themselves, but I don't think people go in a straight line and that makes it very very hard and confusing for us. The short answer is likely to be: Do as little as possible. Never offer any help at all until and unless we are asked, and then take a few days to think about the request. Don't tie our help to their outcome. In other words, help if you decide that is what you want to do, and the indications are clear, but let go of the outcome. Don't make conditions and don't put strings on it. My Difficult Child is "talking about" going to school in the fall. We'll see if it comes about. And if it does, I would like to help him with some or part of his bills during the year he will be in school. But...I will freely admit...I am not comfortable with it at all. I am trying to go very slowly on this. We'll see. I think it's karma/God's coincidence that you need a car right now, and you already own one that he is driving. I so agree with your going and getting that car. Let this go, and see what he does. He has a lot of recovery under his belt already. I am hoping and praying he goes back to the program and to his sponsor, and begins again. Keep sharing with us. You have a lot of great learning to give others. [/QUOTE]
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