11 Months Clean, Using Marijuana Again and More, Just Stunned.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Havehadenough70, Jul 12, 2015.

  1. Hi all,
    For newcomers and those who don't remember my story, my story is similar to yours. 23 year old son college drop out, marijuana addict, jail bird(lol) i don't know why i found that funny but it is true of son because he has been in jail three times for violations of probation. The last time he left jail was July 14th last year after spending 5 months incarcerated for testing positive for marijuana. But for him to be released, the judge gave him a deal of going to rehab and once he finished his probation would be terminated. So i forked out some serious cash and paid for him to enter rehab that his lawyer highly recommended and drove him there the same day he left court in a state two hours away from where i live. He stayed there three months, 2 recovering and the third was offered a peer leadership role whereby i didn't have to pay, which was a blessing and son would have stayed longer than that but he violated their rules by speaking on the phone with a female who had left the rehab earlier, so the facility couldn't tolerate that so he had to move along. The found a sober living for him in another town were they usually refer the majority of people coming through their facility and son was looking forward to moving there and really excited to continue his journey.

    So in mid October he moved into sober living about two and a half hours from home. He got a sponsor, found a job, went to meetings, and was doing great. Throughout this period, i helped out some because his pay check was not enough and the sober living was a little bit pricey, so i thought i was doing the right thing.
  2. I don't know what happened but my thread posted before i had finished, but as i was i was saying....
    Son did great in sober living. Come march of this year after 5 months in sober living together with two other room mates they found an apartment, paid bought furniture together and moved in end of march. He was working at a job making pizza, so he requested whether i would be willing to co-sign a moderate car loan for him so that he could also deliver pizza and earn extra money, and although apprehensive at first i thought it made some sense, but i now see it as more enabling.

    So he took the car in April, paid the insurance, taxes etc, all i did was consign. He is still making the payments as of the 1st of this month. In mid May he and i took a vacation trip to Las Vegas for 5 days, i was also visiting a friend who wasn't feeling well in the area, but the overall trip was so peaceful and enjoyable and son was very pleasant company and thanked me so much.

    Towards the end of may, i was involved in a car accident near my house that looked serious at first but i wasn't hurt too much, a neighbor's son he knows difficulty child called him to report what had happened. Difficult Child called a friend of mine to find out what happened and was reassured i wasn't badly hurt but i was in the hospital. So at 10pm at night he decided to drive over to out state because he thought he couldn't sleep well not knowing how i was, which i though was very compassionate of him, but now just wondering why he came because when he was going back two days later, he asked if i could assist him with some money to supplement his rent....which i did (well such a loving son i though, how could i deny him when he was doing so well and driving all that way for)? Did i also mention that on 25th of may during my birthday he drove over the day before to surprise me and take me, my niece and a friend to lunch which he paid for. Anyway, two weeks after he got back after the accident, i noticed some changes, even from far, like before he was calling me every other day and talking about stuff he was doing. Now he was not calling and when i called him, he wouldn't answer and would only return my call much much later which is not typical of him.

    Last week, my niece called me and told me she had seen pictures of Difficult Child on Facebook taken with an old friend from high school who had been incarcerated and was only recently released. It also happened that Difficult Child had told me he was coming for the 4th of July to visit. So i decided to wait and talk to him when he was home. Difficult Child called the morning of 4th to say he would be working and won't be coming home until much later. I told him he didn't have to but said he would come anyway. H called to say he had left his state at 6pm but there was a lot of traffic so didn't know when he would arrive. Called at midnight to say he arrived but was passing by a friend's house so i told him he doesn't get home by 1am not to bother coming. Therefore he stayed wherever he was. I went to church in the morning and was going somewhere else immediately after but i went home to meet him for an hour and bought a drug kit on the way home. When i confronted him about relapse, he denied it but i got out the kit and asked him to prove it. The test came positive for Marijuana use. I was crushed and didn't have much to discuss from then on because i knew everything he would say was all lies and i made him leave while i went to wherever i was going. Only realized later that i should have taken the car. He later wrote me a long email to apologize and also say that he indeed has used marijuana and alcohol a few times in the last month and he thinks he has relapsed because he stopped doing the work of going to meetings or seeing his sponsor and sponsoring others in recovering. So i told him now it is up to him to do whatever he thinks is right for him because it is his life. But i also told him i would be going tho his state an announced and test him and if he tests positive i am taking the car. It also happens that i have been looking for a car since mine was totaled after the accident so this one will be very easy.

    Then today, i sat down to open my mail from the last three day. Then i see three letters sent for Difficult Child that looks exactly the same, so i smelled something wrong and opened one(i know), only to find that the letters are from a check cashing company demanding that Difficult Child call them because apparently a forged check in his name was presented to them for payment so they want to talk to him.

    Well, that is where i am now and thanks for reading this far. I am as calm as can be, no feeling in the pit of my stomach that i used to have at times like this. I am so thankful for this distance he and i have because now i can turn away and don't have to deal with his bs. I am planning on driving to their place on Tuesday to get the car. He can now do whatever he wants because i know deep in my heart that i have done enough and it feels good to know that you have completely done all you can.
  3. okie girl

    okie girl Active Member

    So sorry for all the heartache you are going through. I, too, have forked over hundreds of dollars trying to help my son. My son is 43 and still acting 16. Sometimes you just have to let them go and pray for the best. I very rarely have contact with my Difficult Child. I find when I do have contact with him, I get really confused and doubt myself. He is a master of manipulation and knows what buttons to push. I love him but he uses that love to get what he wants. He can really put guilt trips on me if I let him. I think you have gone above and beyond so I agree with you. Get your car and let him go.. Hugs.
  4. Thank you Okie girl. Same here, Difficult Child used to make me doubt myself a lot and would often wonder whether i was being unfair to him during the times when i would refuse to give in to his requests. That is why i am not going willing to go through that again.
  5. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Relapse is part of the process. Small comfort I know. Hang in there. I hope u are getting some help for yourself via support groups, a therapist, etc.
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Havehadenough, your son has made errors of judgment one after another. To have contact with a former resident when in a position of responsibility, was wrong. He knew it was wrong.

    He has made some positive choices, which shows that he can if he wants to have good judgment, know right from wrong, etc. And it seems he has leadership qualities and good social skills. All of these are reasons to be encouraged. If he decides at some point to turn this around.

    There is no role for you in this, ever again, as I see it. He has shown that he can do it his way. Let him.

    Most of all he betrayed your help and your love. The issue of a check that appears forged in a business arrangement in which he involved you is a betrayal.

    If it were me, I would distance myself from him now, so that your boundaries are clear and strong. He needs to know that you will not participate with him, at all, in this sloppy and undisciplined way he is living his life. He knows better. I feel sad for you that he has shown parts of himself that do not do justice to how he was raised. He has shown he can live his own life without your help. Let him.
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I'm really sorry and have two thoughts to addl.

    1. Never ever ever co-sign anything for Difficult Child. It's best not to co-sign for anyone, really. If they need you to co-sign, they can't afford it or are irresponsible.

    2. He probably didn't stay sober for eleven months and may even be doing harder drugs than you know. Lessons I Learned the Hard Way.

    So sorry for your hurting heart, but your job is over and is now his.
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  8. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hugs, HaveHad,

    The advice you have received sounds spot-on. Years ago, I was on a jury where the judge commented, You know what a co-signer is? A fool with a pen.

    That has so stuck with me. I know you are NOT a fool! I am just throwing that comment out there because it really made me think....
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  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Very interesting. Because I live in a part of the world where NOBODY gets their first several loans without a co-signer. No matter if they have built up a great credit rating through judicious use of credit cards and any other means available. Co-signer is just a basic legal requirement until you have a track record of handling loans, specifically.
  10. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    First, I am so sorry. And I am so proud of you and your resolve. You clearly have been through a lot and have come out on the "other side." Keep going.

    Relapse IS part of the disease. It's so crushing for us when they relapse, but it almost always happens to all alcoholics and addicts---multiple times---not just once. It doesn't mean he is bad or anything like that, but it DOES mean (I believe) that we can't allow ourselves to get too involved with our DCs....ever.

    I believe your story is a cautionary tale for someone like me. My son has been doing much better for a year.
    I, too, want to help someone who is trying to help themselves, but I don't think people go in a straight line and that makes it very very hard and confusing for us.

    The short answer is likely to be: Do as little as possible. Never offer any help at all until and unless we are asked, and then take a few days to think about the request. Don't tie our help to their outcome. In other words, help if you decide that is what you want to do, and the indications are clear, but let go of the outcome. Don't make conditions and don't put strings on it.

    My Difficult Child is "talking about" going to school in the fall. We'll see if it comes about. And if it does, I would like to help him with some or part of his bills during the year he will be in school. But...I will freely admit...I am not comfortable with it at all. I am trying to go very slowly on this. We'll see.

    I think it's karma/God's coincidence that you need a car right now, and you already own one that he is driving. I so agree with your going and getting that car.

    Let this go, and see what he does. He has a lot of recovery under his belt already. I am hoping and praying he goes back to the program and to his sponsor, and begins again.

    Keep sharing with us. You have a lot of great learning to give others.
  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through this but you do have a good grip on all of it. You have gone above and beyond to help your son. You afforded him a fresh clean start but sadly he has slipped and he will have to deal with the consequences of his choices.
    I think it's wise that you take the car back and lesson learned, never co-sign anything for him.
    I'm glad that he acknowledged that he has been drinking and smoking pot and that missing meetings and not talking with his sponsor has not been good but there is a fine line, is he telling you what he thinks you want to hear or is really understanding the seriousness of his actions. Only time and his behavior will tell.
    One thing I would suggest is when mail is delivered to your house for him, make a note on it that he does not reside there and return to sender.
    I'm glad you are here with us, keep sharing and let us know how it's going.
    ((HUGS)) to you.................
  12. I am so thankful for all the replies you have written and the support that all of you and this forum offers because only here have i found people who truly understand. Yesterday i was talking to my sister on the phone and she asked how Difficult Child was and when i told her he might not be doing too well, she paused and said, "wow, then proceeded to tell me how my brother's son who is Difficult Child's age has matured and i was like what? i am being vulnerable and telling you about my son's relapse and all you can do is compare him with his cousin? Anyway, my point it is hard for most people to understand the pain of dealing with a Difficult Child so i am glad that this space exists.

    Yesterday i had called the manager of the sober house where Difficult Child lived after rehab to (he had maintained contact with son and he had told me earlier on that i could call him if ever i thought something was not right with Difficult Child) see whether he had seen Difficult Child around town. We talked for a while and he let me know that Difficult Child had been in the sober house three weeks ago to make a presentation and everything seemed fine, but promised he would try to talk to a manager and friend at Difficult Child's job that he was close to and call me today. So today he called to say that Difficult Child failed to appear at his work one day last week and never called. The staff and manager were worried about that but then he showed up the following day and he was still at the said job. But what struck me is that a few other people he talked to (the town where Difficult Child is has a thriving recovery community of young adults so they know one another) told him that Difficult Child's girlfriend (never even knew he had one), the girl that caused him the peer leadership job at the rehab last year had relapsed and was in a bad place. This girl is from our town and they met at rehab. Her drug of choice is heroine so it is is quite possible that son is also using more than marijuana even though the drug kit i used to test him last Sunday came back negative for everything except weed.

    The upside is that hearing all this was good for me because it strengthened my resolve to stay as detached as possible now that i am convinced Difficult Child has intention of staying sober. Sad as it seems i am now starting to see him in a different light and feeling emotionally detached to him. Tomorrow, i am taking the train to his town so i can drive the car back. I really don't know what to tell him because i have said it all. I am not even sure what will happen when i go there so we'll see.
  13. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    So sorry for what you have endured. You, me and others on here are NOT failures as parents. I know I was a wonderful mother to my son and so do you. These kids, I don't know what's wrong with them. They just don't get it.

    I kicked my son out, let him back in, kicked him out, let him back and finally kicked him out and kept him out. You can not trust them, period. I could have saved myself two years of grief if I saw thru my sons lies and manipulations. I never dreamed he'd treat me the way he's treated me. I was too nice and enabled him till I snapped out of it and got sick of worrying about my home being used as a pot smoking den while I was at work.

    Locks changed - holding his stuff ransom. He has to make pre-planned arrangements to pick up his stuff (give me his order, I bag it up, set it outside, he comes and get its). He is not allowed in my house unless I see proof of him working full-time or going to school full-time. At age 23, with no steady job history or college, a rap sheet that includes 3 arrests with jail time and a recent run in with the law where he paid a hefty fine and got a deferred disposition (whateve that it - have yet to figure it out)....my son is failing at life. He is a very good looking boy with a outgoing personality - his looks help him get what he wants (girls, friends) and he has learned how to manipulate people (he could be a great used car salesman - there's a thought!).

    I am with you - the change happened to my son too when he started smoking pot and hanging out with trashy thugs. Some of his friends would come over and wouldn't look me in the eye to say hello. I told my son ANYONE who can't look an adult in the eye and say hello - is shady.

    My son's girlfriend was a heroin user too. Came from a wealthy family, was beautiful and super smart. Her dad is a surgeon and her mom a socialite. This girl was given money, cars, clothes, everything she could want. She got in to Rice University to study and major in biochemistry. Was in college for three months, all excited and meeting new people... met someone who offered her heroin, first time she tried it she overdosed (went to sleep and didn't wake up). Such a waste of a beautiful, intelligent, talented young lady who had everything going for her. Blows my mind how kids these days do not appreciate anything.

    You are on the right track to stay detached. It's the only way I can survive this nightmare. I've detached, decided it's my time in life to do what I want, I just pray my son doesn't end up dead and try to stay positive. Work is therapeutic because at work my mind stays busy.

    Changed locks for the last time because my son abused his priviledge of living in my home. He disrespected me by bringing drugs in when I told him not to, he invited his druggie friends over during the day while I was at work, after I asked him not to, he refused to pay me $100 rent each month but could easily spend hundreds on drugs and partying. It hurt my feelings he could care less about helping his mother but it's reality. My son is a selfish pot smoking punk.

    June Cleaver has become Mommie Dearest. He has no clue how pissed off I am and what's in store for him. I'm no longer the mother he took advantage of - I'm out to make sure he knows I mean business this time. I'm so angry at him and disappointed - he is going to feel my wrath for a long time. I'm on a mission to kick his *** into next year. I'm done with having a punk for a son.

    I love him more than life but he has betrayed me and my trust. I can not let him abuse me anymore.

    I hope you stay positive and strong with your son. I can totally relate to your story.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggghhh! I am so sorry!
  15. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Those are actually the ones who at least have the decency to have a bit of a guilty conscience for doing drugs in your home. Its the ones who can smile to your face and seem to be open and personable that you have to worry about. They're the ones who will be going through your stuff when your back is turned.