Should I get 18 year old out of jail?

[ANewLife4Me]

The 18 year old doesn’t want to live with my fiancé. We’ve been together for over six years but my son has never liked him. My son even attacked him once swinging a suitcase hitting him over the head. Surprising that man has stayed with me after some of what he’s endured! My son is not opposed to work. He likes to work but doesn’t want to pay any rent or bills. I do think one day he will change his mind. If he’s willing to do as asked we’ll let him. He’s planning on living in his car so the future will be interesting.

The 21 year old is about to be on probation too for a DWI. He doesn’t want to get rid of his dog so same story with him. He’s got this plan he’s going to buy some land in Arkansas and transfer his probation and build a cabin. . If he asks to live with us we’ll let him also if he agrees to do what we’ve asked.

My goodness, how similar our stories. Each time we bailed our daughter out of jail, she came to live with us as she had nowhere to go. We had conditions each and every time in order for her to stay with us. Holding a job and paying us rent was one of them. She often said….can’t you let me live here for free? How am I supposed to save up and get out if I have to pay you? Other parents don’t charge rent. She did absolutely nothing to help around the house, not even keep her room clean. Food containers, used tampon applicators…all on the floor of her bedroom. Here in Florida you just cannot throw them out, you have to evict them. She knew this and used it against us not having money for a lawyer to make this happen. Was verbally abusive to us everyday, never knew one second from the next what was going to happen, always on edge. She had attacked me twice, have video of one attack. She was not supposed to drink alcohol per the rules we made but, she did whatever she wanted. The alcohol plus her mental made her a violent mess this day. I was so hurt, was going to call the police for abuse but, you know why I did not? She had just gotten out of jail and I did not want her to go back. She too left us last year to live out of her car, see where it had gotten her? 9 months later she goes to ER did not receive the service she wanted, maybe drugs? became verbally abusive with everyone and hit an EMS worker in the face. I told her time and again that her mouth and violence will get her one day….on no Mommy, it won’t. Well look at you now, did I not tell her?

So I guess what I am trying to say is your children and mine it’s definitely time. We need to absolutely step back in a big way. For me? My decision is not letting her come back home when she gets out of jail, have also gone no contact. Have not seen her in over a year now, she went no contact with us until that call from jail. I am not saying you should do the same but, let them figure it out. Your 18 year old loves to work, living out of a car is actually doable and not so bad if they choose to do it right. My daughter did not want to work, she did drugs and drank alcohol, she wanted the party life with no money to keep her going. Snooping on her Facebook said she became an exotic dancer and showed a picture of her with a wad of dollars spread out. Gave up 2 good jobs for that!! But, this was the life she wanted to lead living out of her car. Your 21 year old might say anything, as my daughter did, to live with you….am sure you know this already. But this time if this happens you just don’t agree on “rules” that they never follow. How about, you can live with us for 6 months, work and save your money, get your own place to stay. And stick with it, kick him out in 6 months time if he does not follow YOUR rules.

You deserve as well as I for this nightmare to stop! I am almost 60 years old and this has given me my strength at this time. I don’t want to live whatever time is left on this earth dealing with my daughter….ENOUGH! It surely has broken my heart though in going no contact. I tell you from experience, please consider letting them do it on their own. Set those boundaries and let them know you’re not going to take this anymore and stick with it. I told my daughter last year….you leave us don’t call when you get in jail again we are no longer going to help you. She gave me a sideways sly look on her face and smiled. She said, you will help me because you love me. I said I do love you but, we cannot do this anymore.

You got this, give yourself a break. What’s the harm in setting them free? See how they fly on their own? Some still have contact with their children but, do not support their life choices. I choose no contact because I am weak and easily manipulated, I know this now.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Just checking in with you, hopefully you sold your home and are busy starting your New Life.

 

[New Life]

Checking back in. I did sell my house! Started showing on Good Friday, had six offers, and picked one Saturday night. It’s been crazy dealing with showings, inspectors, appraisers, and getting the boys out of the way. I’ve been moving things to our new apartment a little each day. My oldest (23) has moved in the new apartment until he transitions from college to adulthood. The younger two boys are seeing all the moving I’m doing and reality has finally sunk in.

It is very hard for me knowing they will be homeless. The older of the two (21) seems to be finally trying to get his life together. I don’t know why but I feel so guilty leaving him with nowhere to go. I asked him why he waited this long to do anything about his situation when he knew this day was coming. And his only reply was he’d been on pills before. I get it’s consequences but it’s hard when they finally seem to be trying.

The younger of the two (18) is another story. He seems lost as ever and still drinks frequently. Doesn’t go to work or leaves early because he “has things to do”. He’d be fired by now if it weren’t for the job being through the workforce commission for a youth based training internship. When he can mange to stay clean and sober he does like to work. Obviously the first half is the problem. And with his wrecked car he will be homeless without even a car.

Please remind me I’m not the worst mom in the world. Why does it feel so wrong to let them figure out life for themselves?

 

[Copabanana]

It is very hard for me knowing they will be homeless.

I left home when I was 17. There were many times I had to find a home when I did not have one. I couch-surfed various times. Once, or twice I stayed with relatives. Once I stayed in a motel. I never, ever thought I was "homeless." I just found a place to live. And I always worked.

Please remind me I’m not the worst mom in the world.

You are a good mom.

Why does it feel so wrong to let them figure out life for themselves?

I think it's because we are biologically, socially and culturally programmed to take responsibility for our children. And it takes effort to overcome this default setting. You've heard of the "empty nest" syndrome, referring to mothers who become depressed when their children leave home. They feel worthless, or as if their lives don't have meaning, or without a role, besides motherhood.

Those of us who feel guilty for having lives manifest another variation of moving beyond this default. Even when the kids are adults.

The thing to do is to realize that this is a fake "thing" and let it go. It's false. Why hold onto it?

The bottom line, it's not good for anybody. Certainly not for our adult children. Certainly not for us.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Checking back in. I did sell my house! Started showing on Good Friday, had six offers, and picked one Saturday night. It’s been crazy dealing with showings, inspectors, appraisers, and getting the boys out of the way. I’ve been moving things to our new apartment a little each day. My oldest (23) has moved in the new apartment until he transitions from college to adulthood. The younger two boys are seeing all the moving I’m doing and reality has finally sunk in.

It is very hard for me knowing they will be homeless. The older of the two (21) seems to be finally trying to get his life together. I don’t know why but I feel so guilty leaving him with nowhere to go. I asked him why he waited this long to do anything about his situation when he knew this day was coming. And his only reply was he’d been on pills before. I get it’s consequences but it’s hard when they finally seem to be trying.

The younger of the two (18) is another story. He seems lost as ever and still drinks frequently. Doesn’t go to work or leaves early because he “has things to do”. He’d be fired by now if it weren’t for the job being through the workforce commission for a youth based training internship. When he can mange to stay clean and sober he does like to work. Obviously the first half is the problem. And with his wrecked car he will be homeless without even a car.

Please remind me I’m not the worst mom in the world. Why does it feel so wrong to let them figure out life for themselves?

Congratulations on the sale of your home! This is such an important step to you gaining a solid future for yourself. You are NOT the very worst Mom, in fact just the opposite. Your taking control and putting focus on you for once in his life which in turn by letting them make decisions on their own could be the turning point in their lives???! We don’t know what the future holds but we do know that we must stop what has not worked in the past. Such a difficult step as we just want to run in and save the day but, we know the cycle of manipulating - using us for a place to stay or money - to use us as verbal punching bags and often physical abuse as well. I liken it to an alcoholic, if not the one abusing alcohol as my father did, someone in the family has to stop this cycle or it will continue for generations to come.

Now get to unpacking, nope….put the family albums in a drawer and hide the key….for now.

 

[UphillClimbMom]

Hello I am a new member here. I’m looking for input from others “who have been there”. I have three “adult” sons - 24, 21, and 18. The younger two have been hard to raise. Both have abused drugs and the younger also alcohol. I am a single mom. Their dad has been in jail for drug use as well.

The younger was in juvenile probation, in a treatment center, and the last day of probation got drunk and then arrested as an adult for a felony. He’s on probation now for four years and only about six months in. He wrecked a used car I got him. I paid to fix it. Then he drove drunk and wrecked it again (and didn’t get a DWI!). He’s in jail now on probation violation. He was arrested for shoplifting ($2 chicken sandwich he ate and forgot to pay for in Walmart) and didn’t tell his PO. Nor did he tell her about the wrecks and other contact with police. Anyhow he’s there with no bond and will sit for two months for a court date. OR I can get a lawyer who can probably resolve it in a week or two with a probation amendment.

I’m trying to choose a life for myself. I’m moving to an apartment soon with my fiancé. I have to sell my house since the kids are grown (part of divorce-have to give ex his equity). My 18 and 21 year old have been living at home and will soon be homeless. They don’t want to live with my fiancé or contribute financially which was my rule. Nor do they want to get rid of their dogs. They plan on living out of their (wrecked) cars.

All that to say I think he may be better off in jail. But he may lose his job if I don’t get him out. If he were older I think I would be firm in leaving him there. But he’s only 18 with a lot to deal with already. If he hadn’t dropped out of high school this would be his senior year of high school. I feel for him but I just don’t know. Any advice is welcome!

My son is 23, with very little living skills, mentally ill but undiagnosed, not treated. He has a HORRIBLE personality. I am his mom and I don't even like him!! He's never been arrested *BUT* I am pretty sure he would not fair well in jail. My plan is to bail him out 1 time, when he goes to jail, after he sits for a bit and can see how shitty the jail lifestyle is. My son is the kind of person that would get himself killed due to his personality! I'd bail your kid out 1 time and then after that?? On their own.

 

[LetGo]

Hello I am a new member here. I’m looking for input from others “who have been there”. I have three “adult” sons - 24, 21, and 18. The younger two have been hard to raise. Both have abused drugs and the younger also alcohol. I am a single mom. Their dad has been in jail for drug use as well.

The younger was in juvenile probation, in a treatment center, and the last day of probation got drunk and then arrested as an adult for a felony. He’s on probation now for four years and only about six months in. He wrecked a used car I got him. I paid to fix it. Then he drove drunk and wrecked it again (and didn’t get a DWI!). He’s in jail now on probation violation. He was arrested for shoplifting ($2 chicken sandwich he ate and forgot to pay for in Walmart) and didn’t tell his PO. Nor did he tell her about the wrecks and other contact with police. Anyhow he’s there with no bond and will sit for two months for a court date. OR I can get a lawyer who can probably resolve it in a week or two with a probation amendment.

I’m trying to choose a life for myself. I’m moving to an apartment soon with my fiancé. I have to sell my house since the kids are grown (part of divorce-have to give ex his equity). My 18 and 21 year old have been living at home and will soon be homeless. They don’t want to live with my fiancé or contribute financially which was my rule. Nor do they want to get rid of their dogs. They plan on living out of their (wrecked) cars.

All that to say I think he may be better off in jail. But he may lose his job if I don’t get him out. If he were older I think I would be firm in leaving him there. But he’s only 18 with a lot to deal with already. If he hadn’t dropped out of high school this would be his senior year of high school. I feel for him but I just don’t know. Any advice is welcome!

Hi New Life, My daughter, age 35, was arrested for 2 counts of aggravated assault. She has been using drugs/alcohol. She lives about 1,000 miles from me at this time. She was given 1 1/2 years probation. She followed through for 1 month and then took off. It took the police 8 months to find her. In the past I would have done anything to help her out but now I think she is where she needs to be. She is in jail, no bond. I don't know how long she will be there. I can tell you that the difference in her mug shots between when she was picked up and 30 days later...she looks better. She has detoxed. I don't think you should bail your son out. Let him learn. You deserve to have a life.