When you don’t know what to do anymore, and you just want to give up.

[Liz1981]

Backstory, I’m a single mum to three children 19 year old son, 17 & 15 year old daughters. My son has ADHD, autism and dyspraxia, 17 year old has autism and high anxiety, 15 year old has high anxiety. I split from there dad when my son was 8. My son was diagnosed around the age of 9. He moved to his own place just before Christmas 2023. He holds a full time job. Just before he moved out, I found out when he was 9-15 he use to touch my daughters in a sexual way. You can imagine the absolute utter disgust I felt, and hatred towards him. No child should have to be subjected to that, let alone in their own house, but he’s my son, who has attempted suicide many times, and always throws it at me, when times are hard for him. He never makes the attempts quietly he will air them on social media etc. He drinks, and smokes weed, and has been caught driving under the influence, he will be getting another ban through within the next couple of months, yes he’s lost it once before for performing doughnuts in a public car park. He says that when his ban comes through this time he will kill himself, so it’s forever being thrown at me. He seeks help through counselling etc, is on sertraline, but doesn’t show up for counselling sessions, then blames them saying they never contacted him. If I ever give advice financially, for his mental health, he tells me he has tried and it doesn’t work. Whatever I say is wrong, so I don’t say anything anymore or agree with him, because of the fear he gives me. He terrifies me because he goes from calm to a maniac in seconds. He hits out, chucks things, destroys things and he doesn’t care, it’s instant rage. He is now saying that he can’t afford the house he is renting, although he can if he didn’t spend his money on drugs etc. I make suggestions like to rent the other room he has, but he again makes excuses. He thinks he can come home. I can’t have him here, number one for the safety of my girls and secondly, I’m terrified of him. I lost my mum in September 2023 and I am struggling myself mentally, I said to him, that I am struggling and I can’t help him financially, or mentally, and he was vial to me. He tells me he shouldn’t have to rent, and that a 19 year old should be living at home, wasting money, buying cars, breaking the law etc. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore, I have no energy, I feel sick and on edge 24/7, my heart drops every time my phone rings. I don’t know how to tell him no, he’s not moving back here, I don’t like who he is, I don’t agree with what he’s doing.
I’m forever in fear of telling him no, his either coming here to hurt the girls or me, or him attempting suicide, him passing and the guilt I’ll feel after.
I don’t even think this makes sense and there’s so much more to it all. I’ve no family to talk to and understand as my mums passed, my sister says she doesn’t know what to say, my friends don’t know what’s happened because they have their own problems and I’m embarrassed by him. I feel , because it’s me that’s brought him up, so I blame my parenting skills, that I haven’t been enough.
I’m so lost, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Please help.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Liz, welcome to CD, so sorry for your need to be here, but I’m very glad you found us.

Backstory, I’m a single mum to three children 19 year old son, 17 & 15 year old daughters. My son has ADHD, autism and dyspraxia, 17 year old has autism and high anxiety, 15 year old has high anxiety. I split from there dad when my son was 8. My son was diagnosed around the age of 9.

That’s a lot to deal with. My goodness, you must be exhausted. Plus on top of all of this you are grieving your Mums passing. I’m so sorry for your heartache.

He moved to his own place just before Christmas 2023. He holds a full time job.

Despite his challenges he is resourceful.

Just before he moved out, I found out when he was 9-15 he use to touch my daughters in a sexual way. You can imagine the absolute utter disgust I felt, and hatred towards him. No child should have to be subjected to that, let alone in their own house,

I’m sorry. That is an awful thing to discover.

but he’s my son, who has attempted suicide many times, and always throws it at me, when times are hard for him.

He is your son, but is also out of control, and trying to manipulate you. This is not your fault, Liz. He has shown by moving out that he is capable. It is unfair that he uses his issues and suicide attempts to gain power over you.

He says that when his ban comes through this time he will kill himself, so it’s forever being thrown at me.

There have been members here who have had to deal with this from their adult children. The advice given is to call police if there is suicidal talk.

He hits out, chucks things, destroys things and he doesn’t care, it’s instant rage. He is now saying that he can’t afford the house he is renting, although he can if he didn’t spend his money on drugs etc. I make suggestions like to rent the other room he has, but he again makes excuses. He thinks he can come home. I can’t have him here, number one for the safety of my girls and secondly, I’m terrified of him.

You absolutely cannot have him in your home. That is a firm boundary.

He tells me he shouldn’t have to rent, and that a 19 year old should be living at home, wasting money, buying cars, breaking the law etc.

Nonsense! Our homes are our sanctuaries, not free zones for adult children to do as they please. There are rules to abide by wherever we go.

my heart drops every time my phone rings. I don’t know how to tell him no, he’s not moving back here, I don’t like who he is, I don’t agree with what he’s doing.

There are those of us who have gone no contact for a time, to get respite from the drama and to collect ourselves enough to find a safe solution.
You are right to do everything in your power to protect yourself and your girls.

I’m forever in fear of telling him no, his either coming here to hurt the girls or me, or him attempting suicide, him passing and the guilt I’ll feel after.

Is there an organization that you can turn to for help? Your son is intimidating you and using rage, adult temper tantrums and suicidal threats to get his way. Members have mentioned NAMI (if you are in the US). There must be someone you can contact to help you navigate this difficult situation? I hope others will come along soon with more suggestions. I do think that getting counseling for yourself would help with all of the different feelings you are experiencing. At this point it is essential that you find ways to protect yourself and your girls. Perhaps a therapist could help you find resources for your safety, as well as help to process all of this.

I don’t even think this makes sense and there’s so much more to it all. I’ve no family to talk to and understand as my mums passed, my sister says she doesn’t know what to say, my friends don’t know what’s happened because they have their own problems and I’m embarrassed by him.

Oh goodness Liz, please know that you are not alone. I’m glad you happened upon CD, there are many who have been in your shoes. Again, I am so sorry for your Moms passing, I’m sure she has been there for you with your struggles. That is a huge loss to bear.

I feel , because it’s me that’s brought him up, so I blame my parenting skills, that I haven’t been enough.
I’m so lost, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Please help.

Please don’t blame yourself. We have all felt that, if we could have done this, or that, maybe things would be different? The truth is, we did the best we could to raise our kids under the circumstances we were dealt with. Sure, we made mistakes along the way. We are only human.
Have you heard the saying “Didn’t cause it, can’t cure it, or control it? Understanding this is a way to get off the dizzying “not so merry go round” and out from under the fog. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. FOG. Most of us have been there, stuck in the chaos of our wayward adult kids choices, with no foreseeable way out. They are super attuned to this, and know just how to keep tugging at our heartstrings to keep us feeling lost, alone and focused on their lives. It’s next to impossible to make rational decisions in this frame of mind. We start reacting, rather than finding ways to have healthier responses.
Try to slow way down, breath. If prayer is your way, pray.
You have already figured out that your son won’t listen to any advice you give. Perhaps limiting phone calls will help, so you can get respite from his attempts to manipulate you, guilt trip you, cause you to second guess your right to peace in your home, mind and heart. In the meantime, I hope that you can muster up the strength to seek resources that will guide you as far as dealing with your fears of him committing suicide, or becoming violent with you or your daughters.
Are your daughters seeing a counselor to deal with their brother’s past inappropriate advances? Perhaps that would be another avenue to get help for your safety.
I was able to get a motion security camera for my front door, it gives me a bit of peace of mind, it records movement and sends it to my phone, I can see if anyone is near the house when I am not home.
Soon others will come along and offer suggestions and support. Please take care of yourself and hang in there.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

Hi Liz

Who wouldn't feel exhausted, desperate and hopeless? All of us here understand this feeling. We have almost all of us dealt with a version of your story. My son is 35. I have been here 9 years. My son has not gotten better. In most aspects, he is worse off. But I am better.
How did I do this, when my objective circumstances did not change? Boundaries.

The boundaries I have in place, are of various sorts and I was able to do so little by little. I do so with the help of other parents here. It took me a very long time. New Leaf who wrote above came 9 years ago, just after I did. Two and a half years ago, I went back to therapy. And about 8 years ago I returned to my faith, big time. I could not have changed without all this support and influence.

attempted suicide many times

Your son is an adult. He has control over what he does. Parents can't alter another adult's life, no matter how hard they try. And parents are not responsible for the outcome of their adult child's life.

He says that when his ban comes through this time he will kill himself,

This is manipulation. If you hear him make a threat that is imminent call the cops. That is the limit of your responsibility.

but doesn’t show up for counselling sessions, then blames them saying they never contacted him.

It doesn't matter what he says. If he doesn't want to go to counseling it's his right not to do so. It's his life. But the thing is you have a life, too. And if he is unbearable to be around, unsafe, unpleasant (let alone dangerous, which he is) you have a right to keep him away from you and your other children, including not talking to him.

he tells me he has tried and it doesn’t work

Again, who cares what he says? Stop having conversations with him about his life. He is not listening.

destroys things

The bottom line here is this adult is dangerous. Just because you are his parent does not mean you are responsible to help him or fix him. There are social programs and societal resources that are responsible, up to and including the criminal justice system.

Your guilt is not a reason to expose yourself to his toxicity and violence, let alone expose your other children. In addition to posting here, I would suggest a 12 step group such as Al Anon.

I’m terrified of him.

You need to listen to yourself. I was afraid of my son and I stopped seeing or speaking to him.

He tells me he shouldn’t have to rent, and that a 19 year old should be living at home, wasting money, buying cars, breaking the law etc

Again, who cares what he says?

I don’t know how to tell him no, he’s not moving back here

This is a problem that you feel you can't speak up to keep yourself and your children safe.

the guilt I’ll feel after.

You have no reason to feel guilt. It is your son's choices and conduct that are creating the problem. Your primary challenge is to keep yourself and your family safe. Not your feelings or your son's feelings. These things are unimportant. First, comes safety.

 

[Dad34]

You may have seen it already but on this CD website there’s a very helpful article on detachment: Article on Detachment
Detaching from our addicted adult children is difficult but absolutely necessary for our own sanity.

Many parents on this website have struggled with similar feelings of guilt, fear, anxiety, etc., that you are feeling. I have a 34 yo daughter addicted to alcohol and drugs. I haven’t heard from her for many months, and though it’s heartbreaking, I’m doing ‘okay’, I still wrestle with many of these feelings every day. But it can get better. Keep reading this website, as it is encouraging to know you are not alone. I agree with the advice given by New Leaf and Copa. Your safety and the safety of your daughters is the highest priority, even if you need to consider getting a restraining order against your son.

Copa mentioned Al Anon, and it has helped me immensely. I read from their book ‘One Day at a Time’ every day. They also encourage using the Serenity Prayer, which asks God to help us accept what we can’t control (our adult, addicted children) and then turn them over to God.

Praying for you.

 

[ksm]

Was the authorities notified of his inappropriate behaviors towards his sisters? Did he have legal repercussions for that? I can understand how difficult that would be to instigate, but maybe he feels like he can get away with most of his poor behavior.

You are right, he can't live in your home for your sake, ampnd for your daughters. I wish I had advice but I dont... I just know how difficult it is for all of us when we deal with adult children that choose not to change.

Ksm

 

[katya02]

Everyone has had great advice here. I just want to send cyber-hugs and affirm that you are not alone. Your situation is familiar; of course you are exhausted and desperate. Anyone would be!

Your oldest son is dangerous, as others have said. You have the right as a person and an obligation as a parent with minor children not to allow him in your house. His behaviors and threats sound manipulative - to abuse you rather than to communicate his true intent. Any threat of harm to self or others should be taken seriously and the police notified. As others have said, his self-serving statements about having a right to live in your house are nonsense. He's a legal adult and has no such rights. It's just more verbal abuse intended to intimidate and unbalance you.

Please, please protect your daughters and yourself. Have you notified police or child services about what you learned of his sexual abuse of your daughters? Your daughters should get therapy and not feel that this has been ignored or swept under the rug. They need both protection and treatment. And you son must be held accountable and others protected from him.

Most importantly, please remove the burden of guilt you are carrying and realize that only your son can 'fix' his situation. He chooses not to at the moment and that's his decision; it's nothing to do with you. I learned with one of my difficult children that making suggestions, however reasonable, was not what he wanted to hear and he rejected everything I said. I simply stopped suggesting anything and, if he was looking for a response from me, said only, "I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sure you'll work something out." Or just, "I'm sorry to hear that," with nothing else. I didn't ask what he was planning to do about it because that invited further verbal abuse.

I am so sorry you're dealing with all of this, and on top of that grieving the passing of your mother. Please take time for yourself and work on your own wellbeing. That may include going no contact with your son for a time, and that's okay. Take care of yourself and your daughters. Many thoughts, prayers, and hugs.

 

[Nomad]

Hello Liz. The advice already presented has been spot on. Your son has shown himself to be dangerous. He can not live in your home. Period. If he doesn’t want to at least go to counseling sessions, that’s on him. Detachment and boundaries are big helpers in these situations. Since he is under 21 , you MIGHT consider some MINIMAL and limited help IF you can afford it like paying for his cell phone or 1/2 his electric bill (proof of bill needed) IF and ONLY IF he is CIVIL to you. (Don’t let any help spread. It would be generous to do something like this) . I do believe our children take longer to mature…but then again if zero efforts are being made…longer turns into forever. Meanwhile, along with putting boundaries in place (like he will never live in your home again and he is not to be abusive to you in any way) , get rid of the guilt pronto. All of us have to grow , learn from consequences, make good decisions and certainly do not have any right to hurt others. Please consider counseling for yourself, at least for the short term. There are also great “anonymous” groups out there. We went for a short time to Families Anonymous and really benefited by it. (((Hugs)))

 

[LetGo]

Backstory, I’m a single mum to three children 19 year old son, 17 & 15 year old daughters. My son has ADHD, autism and dyspraxia, 17 year old has autism and high anxiety, 15 year old has high anxiety. I split from there dad when my son was 8. My son was diagnosed around the age of 9. He moved to his own place just before Christmas 2023. He holds a full time job. Just before he moved out, I found out when he was 9-15 he use to touch my daughters in a sexual way. You can imagine the absolute utter disgust I felt, and hatred towards him. No child should have to be subjected to that, let alone in their own house, but he’s my son, who has attempted suicide many times, and always throws it at me, when times are hard for him. He never makes the attempts quietly he will air them on social media etc. He drinks, and smokes weed, and has been caught driving under the influence, he will be getting another ban through within the next couple of months, yes he’s lost it once before for performing doughnuts in a public car park. He says that when his ban comes through this time he will kill himself, so it’s forever being thrown at me. He seeks help through counselling etc, is on sertraline, but doesn’t show up for counselling sessions, then blames them saying they never contacted him. If I ever give advice financially, for his mental health, he tells me he has tried and it doesn’t work. Whatever I say is wrong, so I don’t say anything anymore or agree with him, because of the fear he gives me. He terrifies me because he goes from calm to a maniac in seconds. He hits out, chucks things, destroys things and he doesn’t care, it’s instant rage. He is now saying that he can’t afford the house he is renting, although he can if he didn’t spend his money on drugs etc. I make suggestions like to rent the other room he has, but he again makes excuses. He thinks he can come home. I can’t have him here, number one for the safety of my girls and secondly, I’m terrified of him. I lost my mum in September 2023 and I am struggling myself mentally, I said to him, that I am struggling and I can’t help him financially, or mentally, and he was vial to me. He tells me he shouldn’t have to rent, and that a 19 year old should be living at home, wasting money, buying cars, breaking the law etc. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore, I have no energy, I feel sick and on edge 24/7, my heart drops every time my phone rings. I don’t know how to tell him no, he’s not moving back here, I don’t like who he is, I don’t agree with what he’s doing.
I’m forever in fear of telling him no, his either coming here to hurt the girls or me, or him attempting suicide, him passing and the guilt I’ll feel after.
I don’t even think this makes sense and there’s so much more to it all. I’ve no family to talk to and understand as my mums passed, my sister says she doesn’t know what to say, my friends don’t know what’s happened because they have their own problems and I’m embarrassed by him. I feel , because it’s me that’s brought him up, so I blame my parenting skills, that I haven’t been enough.
I’m so lost, I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. Please help.

 

[LetGo]

Hi Liz, I just recently found this forum and I am so glad to be here, amongst others who truly "get it". It is exhausting and depressing to deal with our challenged grown kids. One thing that I learned awhile back is that I am no good to anyone if I don't take care of myself first. You should not have to live in fear. You and your girls should be safe. Tell yourself that it is for everyone's best that your son not live with you. That includes him. Let happen what will happen as hard as that might feel to you. Distance can be your greatest help. Hang in there...I have been there.

 

[Crayola14]

Are you in the U.S.? If not, I think I would let the government system take care of him because he obviously cannot live in your home. I’m so sorry for the havoc he has caused you and his siblings. You sound exhausted and desperate, which is understandable.

 

[LetGo]

Are you in the U.S.? If not, I think I would let the government system take care of him because he obviously cannot live in your home. I’m so sorry for the havoc he has caused you and his siblings. You sound exhausted and desperate, which is understandable.

I am in the US. I am talking about my daughter, age 35. We had spent many years getting her therapy, psychiatry, medication, special therapeutic after school programs, and residential school. She started going down hill after school. She had a period where she was relatively "stable" with an apartment (subsidized), nursing staff to give her medications each AM and to leave her PM medications. She had monthly injected anti psychotic medications that made a difference. She went to a therapeutic day program. She cannot work. One thing she never let go of was the idea of wanting her birth mother (who was abusive). She had a fairy tale view of her mother and knowing her would make everything okay. So, off she finally went, 1,000 miles away. I heard nothing from her for 16 months. Apparently, it went okay for a couple of years and then my daughter's "true colors" and behaviors started. Birth Mom kicked her out. My daughter has been using drugs and has been arrested 3 times for aggravated assault (including while she was here). For some reason, I feel like everyone in her life has given up on her. That now includes me. She is who she is, unfortunately. I think she might feel more comfortable in jail. I see her reoffending. It still hurts. Thanks for listening.

 

[Crayola14]

When you said “Mum” I thought you might be living outside the U.S.

 

[New Leaf]

When you said “Mum” I thought you might be living outside the U.S.

I’m confused, I think there are two discussions here, Liz wrote Mum and is posting about her 19 year old son. Letgo is posting about her daughter.
Is that correct?

 

[Nandina]

I think Crayola was addressing Liz. Referring to very first post, lol.

 

[LetGo]

I’m confused, I think there are two discussions here, Liz wrote Mum and is posting about her 19 year old son. Letgo is posting about her daughter.
Is that correct?

I believe that is correct!