Things are heating up around here

[Deni D]

My son has a relatively new girlfriend. He has a habit of getting involved with people who need to be rescued. And as we know, a rescue mission usually involves someone who won’t do for themselves and manipulates others into feeling sorry for them and doing for them. I think it makes him feel somewhat accomplished compared to these people. And possibly he has such low self esteem he feels he shouldn’t expect much from a significant other.

He tried to get me to agree the new girlfriend could move into my home. I have a mother-daughter house. He lives in an apartment where he’s not supposed to have anyone living with him, and got in trouble for that recently. She’s been very difficult to get along with in general, I don’t like her at all, but up until him trying to get her in here on top of me I was able to stay neutral. She has a place to live but supposedly it’s unstable. Now I’m a villain again and I’m hearing too much upside down/inside out unstable Bipolar gibberish. I don’t know if it’s the pressure of him feeling like he has to take care of someone who is impossible to take care of or if he’s messing with his medication, or something else these days. But something’s up. I hope he doesn’t mess his life up too much with this current situation.

Before he got very angry with me over not letting her in here I gently reminded him that his first priority should be to take care of himself. We will see.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Deni,
So sorry to read that things are again challenging. What a roller coaster ride we are all on. You are absolutely doing the right thing by keeping your home your sanctuary. Hang in there.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Nomad]

Damn. I’m so sorry, Deni. I’m familiar with that sickening feeling that “things are heating up.” Have I mentioned I hate roller coasters? What about you?
Having a girl you can’t stand who has a mental illness at your house is a recipe for a mega explosion. I say “no thank you!” (That’s my nice version).
Your advice to him that his first priority is to take care of himself, sounds very wise to me. And you are demonstrating doing just that fir yourself by making this decision.
What a stressful and straining predicament, but you are making the wise snd sane choice.
Stay strong. Take care. Prayers. (((Hugs)))

 

[Crayola14]

If she were to move into your house, he would want to move in eventually, especially if they get serious about each other. Was she going to pay rent, or was he expecting her to live with you for free until she supposedly get a job, etc.? If so, he probably said in exchange for free rent, she will clean, cook, do laundry, etc. Being a full time maid would last about a week. She’s not going to continue doing that.

That was the arrangement between two members of my extended family. The first week worked out great. He did grocery store runs, heavy lifting, yard work, rides to the doctor, running the vacuum, etc. That only lasted a week.

 

[Copabanana]

I have a mother-daughter house.

What's that?

I don’t know if it’s the pressure of him feeling like he has to take care of someone who is impossible to take care of or if he’s messing with his medication, or something else these days.

I don't mean this rudely. The why is not your business. The boundary is your business. Your needs are your business. Your son will either take care of himself or he won't.

I know you're worried. But there is no scenario I can think of where you can have a place to stand, a role in any part of this buffet. Whatever dish it is, I don't see where you can change the outcome. I will be back.

 

[Deni D]

What a roller coaster ride we are all on

Have I mentioned I hate roller coasters?

Thanks Leafy and Nomad. Even with things relatively stable in recent past I always know the ride will never be over.

Crayola

If she were to move into your house, he would want to move in eventually

He's known for many years that I will never allow him to live here again. I think the girlfriend is behind all of this now and yes I do believe she's working on him to get in here.

Was she going to pay rent, or was he expecting her to live with you for free until she supposedly get a job, etc.?

My son told me that I should feel "overjoyed" to be able to help someone out who's in such need as she is because she's in such a "heart breaking" situation. I've never heard him say "overjoyed" or "heart breaking" before, that bit came directly from her. She's on disability for what I'm not sure because she claims to have a whole host of illnesses and claims to be allergic to most foods. He did say some baloney about how she would help me around here. I'm not sure doing what because she acts like she should be catered to when she's here, as if she's visiting royalty and is not exactly pleased with how the house staff(me) is performing. She also has an attitude as if I'm a bit on the dim-witted side, and don't know that my son actually rules here instead of me. I don't know if I'll ever let him come here again, I mean for a meal or whatever, but she's never getting in again.

Copa
A mother-daughter house is like a house with an in-law apartment, or basically a two family house with the utilities not separated.

I don't mean this rudely. The why is not your business. The boundary is your business. Your needs are your business. Your son will either take care of himself or he won't.

The why is something normal to wonder about, considering the chaos of our adult children. Not that it matters as far as me doing anything about it, because it's none of my business to do anything about it and I won't. If there is any real info on the why, it would only be in guessing how bad the train wreck will be that I will have to duck from.

 

[Copabanana]

If there is any real info on the why, it would only be in guessing how bad the train wreck will be that I will have to duck from.

Yes. I am trying to think in such a way that you are spared the train wreck. But I get it. I don't want you to suffer, Deni.

The why is something normal to wonder about, considering the chaos of our adult children.

Yes. This is so. But I think more often than not we can end up suffering more than we need to when we think about the whys.

There is no way in the world that it is anything but outrageous to ask your mother to house your iffy girlfriend. But OK. I get it.

But there is something in me that wants you to nip this in the bud. You don't deserve to be battered and blamed with unreasonable demands, rancor, and attitude. You just don't deserve it. You've been nothing but kind and generous and patient and accepting of your son.

I don't want you to have to duck from any trainwreck. I recognize these are our sons. I am being over-protective. I am sorry.

 

[Deni D]

I don't want you to suffer, Deni.

Awh, thank you Copa.

But I think more often than not we can end up suffering more than we need to when we think about the whys.

This case with my son is one in which he's had lots of experience with things going sideways and then getting back on track. It's just a matter of how sideways things go before he catches himself, or life catches him and he's got to do something. I'm hoping he's getting quicker at these things. I know he is with the lesser important things.

There is no way in the world that it is anything but outrageous to ask your mother to house your iffy girlfriend.

For sure. At best it's immaturity, not understanding the risk someone would be taking getting into a situation like that. Even though he doesn't seem to think she's iffy, just down on her luck. In her case it baffles me how even he can't see she's real trouble. She's got a victim scenario going that is so thinly veiled it's incredible.

 

[Copabanana]

it baffles me how even he can't see she's real trouble. She's got a victim scenario going that is so thinly veiled it's incredible.

Well. we don't have to look far to see this self-delusion. All I have to do is look in the mirror. It's called love. How many times have I participated with my own son when to all other eyes it was baffling I would go back to same old, same old. My son has got a "victim scenario going" too. It's always robbers and bad guys and lost in the mail, I don't buy in, but I get involved.

 

[Nomad]

What a great analogy, Copa. Love makes us blind? Yes, same old same old for DECADES. I fairly often find myself angry...but fairly often it might be at MYSELF for not facing what is right in front of me.
I got an email from an old college friend yesterday. We had basically lost touch. She is battling a serious disease at the moment. In fact, she and a new friend...the same. IT's heart wrenching. Anyway, I re-connected with my old friend who is very familiar with my troubles with our "special needs" child. Mostly from her youth and early teen years...with only an occasional blip of info since then. Old friends sometimes are the best. To my surprise..practically out of no where...she called my husband and I "saints" a refrain I've heard a lot of lately...of which I would gladly give up the title...but she also made it clear in her own way that we are fooling ourselves if we think it's going to get better and so forth and so on..... Don't want to say too much here...but she was CLEAR on her thoughts...have never heard her "speak" in this fashion before. Perhaps her illness has made her more forthright. Only recently have some spoke up, but not quite as bluntly. I don't know. Even though it took my breath away...it was shocking in a certain way...I actually appreciated it.

Deni.. I DO like that you said your son has the ability to catch himself going sideways and then getting back on track. Yes...prayers that he can do it quicker and that you are kept out of all the collateral damage.

 

[Fairy dust]

at this stage of the game I don’t want or need the drama. You’ve done your job raising your now adult son. Now it’s his job to man up and be responsible. You have no obligation to him or his girlfriend. Please be kind to yourself.

 

[Copabanana]

Now it’s his job to man up and be responsible.

We are here on this forum because our children do not "man up." We have trouble letting go because we love them. I think the key is "acceptance." There is a place where knowing they are who they are (reality) meets acceptance of that reality. We suffer because we want to change them and that is not in our hands. We can, however, accept reality. But accepting reality requires strong boundaries. There can be no waffling. This is what Deni's thread is about I think. It's hard to see our kids so impressionable, unrealistic, and vulnerable. It's painful. But fighting it is worse.

 

[Deni D]

at this stage of the game I don’t want or need the drama

Boy isn't that the truth. I just want to have a little fun and not wonder what baloney might come my way. The other day we had carolers in the local grocery store. They were dressed beautifully in Victorian outfits and wow could they sing. That's about as much drama as I want, lol!

We can, however, accept reality. But accepting reality requires strong boundaries. There can be no waffling. This is what Deni's thread is about I think.

Yes this is it. I accept my son for who he is, and I accept that his decisions are his. I also deserve my peace, my space, and to make my decisions based on what is best for me.

If there were some real issue, not some storm created as a result of poor choices, then that would be another story. For example; my son's apartment building went without heat and hot water for a few months last fall into winter. They used electric space heaters in the apartments but had to go elsewhere to take showers and such, so I let him and a friend of his take showers here.

 

[Nomad]

No, we don't need or want the drama. Do you ever wonder if some of these kids understand this? Or care? Years ago, I was invited into a support group for parents like us. But, they were all of a certain religion of which I was not that religion. So, it was super nice of them to ask me to join. The stories, as per usual, were difficult and sad. Their adult children caused much grief and chaos. BUT, one member herself was bipolar. She was and her daughter was. The mother was about 55 if I had to guess. She was most interesting. Her IQ was clearly very high. Her vocabulary was fascinating...using words I haven't used since college. I enjoyed listening to her and observed her intently. Anyway, interestingly, she often had the exact same complaints as the other parents....but I knew in my heart she had a tendency toward similar behaviors. BUT, there was a slight difference. An important one. She "caught" herself when she was badly going off into inappropriate behaviors. Enough or fast enough that perhaps some people might not notice too much. Some people might just see her as "off." I think myself and all the parents with experience...would recognize what we are observing fairly quickly. But, she was more able to function normally. AND perhaps most interesting to me is that if she felt "very off" she would call her doctor and get a medication change and if she felt "very very" off, she would ask to go to the hospital for a few days. I had met someone whose sister had this illness and caused all sorts of grief in the family with horrid decisions and she told me when her sister was around age 50 she did better. Just a little weird observation. Not sure these people exhibited the extreme ugliness or lack of gratitude though. Possibly. But it was a lot of impulsiveness and poor decision making.

Perhaps (?) one can hope that around age 50 (yikes) MIGHT bring something positive for some of our children. This woman (mother with bipolar illness herself) I met at the support group, and my friend's sister were exhibiting true awareness and accountability...but for some reason, it seem to take them to around age 50 to do better with it all.

Meanwhile, enough of this drama. I'm not holding my breath or counting on it. It's just in the back of my head.

I do something similar, Deni. Am more willing to help with true (not caused by my adult child) emergencies and medical needs.

Time marches on...best to cherish it.

 

[Deni D]

Do you ever wonder if some of these kids understand this? Or care?

I don't think they have the self awareness to know they make everything about themselves. I think, at least when they are having mental troubles, their go to is a very selfish self centered way of life where they truly believe they are entitled to whatever it is they have decided will be helpful for them. I don't know if a lack of conscience causes a lack of responsibility or vice versa or what.

BUT, one member herself was bipolar. She was and her daughter was. The mother was about 55 if I had to guess.

BUT, there was a slight difference. An important one. She "caught" herself when she was badly going off into inappropriate behaviors

I've known people though the years who have a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. A couple of the parents also in a support group from way back, one guy I mentored at work, and a few others. Bipolar disorder displays differently with people. But one thing I noticed with the people who I had contact with ~ the higher functioning people obviously felt a sense of responsibility for themselves. They did the work to be sure they knew when things were off and they also had a support system of other people who they trusted to let them know if things seemed to be off.

It's got to be grueling to always pay attention and question one's self if a person has a tendency for hypo-mania. But people do it.

 

[Copabanana]

I think it always comes back to us. I will probably not be around when my son is 50, anyway.

What I mean by back to us is this:

1. There is a reality that is located in them. About them, how they act. What they do. What they say. The manipulation. The constant barraging us for this, that. Etc. You know. That can veer into impossible to bear. When this happens, I get angry. I get mad. I feel overwhelmed. (And then I feel bad.)

2.. There is sometimes wishful thinking, whether or not I admit it. I wish he could act like so and so. I wish he could get a job. If only, if only. We compare them to a standard. To what we had hoped for. Our dreams for them, or to the children of friends, etc. This creates longing, sadness, self-hatred, guilt, in me. (And I feel bad.)

3.. There are the expectations about myself. How I conduct myself. How I feel. What I would want to do for my son. The shoulds. "The what a good mother, would, could or should do. (And I don't....)

What I meant is that there is a reality. Otherwise known as it is what it is. We don't know what will be, but we know what it is now. The more that I can accept the reality right now, without judgement of myself or my son, I do much, much better. That is what I mean by back to us.