Struggling to function

[nwallace]

My first time here. I don't know where to start

 

[ANewLife4Me]

My first time here. I don't know where to start

Hello nwallace welcome! Please make a post telling us about yourself and your children, the issues you are facing. Writing about it does help.

 

[nwallace]

My daughter is 33, definiely narcissistic, stole my last £3000 at the weekend. She doesn't live with me just comes to steal stuff. the money was in bitcoin - she emptied the wallet - the police can't do anything but talk to her so now I've nothing. no money and no daughter. my eldest son died 8 yrs ago my younger son doesn't speak to me and i wasn't invited to his wedding. today i have nothing and nobody

 

[ANewLife4Me]

My daughter is 33, definiely narcissistic, stole my last £3000 at the weekend. She doesn't live with me just comes to steal stuff. the money was in bitcoin - she emptied the wallet - the police can't do anything but talk to her so now I've nothing. no money and no daughter. my eldest son died 8 yrs ago my younger son doesn't speak to me and i wasn't invited to his wedding. today i have nothing and nobody

That certainly is difficult to deal with and I hope that is the very last that your daughter steals from you! Do you have any services there that can help in a time of crisis? Financially and counseling? It sounds as if there has been so much hurt from all of your children that you need to think more of yourself at this time and let them live their own lives. Maybe counseling could help you in this way?

 

[So Very Drained]

We are only human. That's all. Not more, not less. Nobody had a perfect parent. Nobody. Our children are now adults. They can go into psychotherapy, follow a spiritual path, and get educated. Do purposeful things to take responsibility to work out their problems if they feel they're problems. All of us have that option and responsibility. Once people are grown it is not their parents' responsibility. It is the individual's responsibility.

Geez, Copa. I have copied and pasted so many of your comments to read over and over again.

 

[So Very Drained]

I’m tussling with my thoughts today, back and forth. This forum has given me some much strength and I’ve read every post over and over. I feeling like an imposter though, my son is only 19, I’ve not endured the years of trauma that many of our members have and whilst his behaviour is not acceptable, is less severe than I’ve seen described here by parents. I’m trapped in whether I’ve been to hasty, have I done enough, I’ve not spend thousands, he’s not stolen from me, he doesn’t use hard drugs daily. Do i reach out and offer support if he wants to get his life straightened out? I know it’ll be futile, he’s not ready and has stonewalled me since he’s left. I don’t know what to do now or even if I need to do anything now. I don’t want him home and stand firm in my position of not having him in our home. Should my door be closed forever, what if he does make signs of wanting to change his life, do I support from a distance?

Watching this thread.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi SVD--I don't know where this quote came from (see above) and don't know the context but these are my thoughts. There are a lot of "ifs". If he does this (in future time), or that....Why is this mother burdening herself with ifs? Cross that bridge when she comes to it.

She has an adult son who is stonewalling her. Good. Let him be. The ball is in his court to grow up. He is responsible for his life, not her. There is no obligation of a parent for another adult (even if it's their child), unless it is chosen. The parent can decide if and when. Not the adult child.

There are parents here whose children have died. My son has not died. Is my suffering less? Probably. But this is not a suffering competition. I feel this mother is causing her own suffering. I suspect it's guilt. She is suffering enough. She does not need to be suffering more, to join our special club. This is a suffering less club. We all seek to suffer less.

I don't understand why this mother is worrying and suffering for things that have not happened. I mean, I can guess, why, but it's not helping her at all.

In my mind, forever is a very long time. Let life happen, as it will. This 19 year old may get it together. If he does, this mother can decide to help or she can decide not too, based upon whether she chooses to help, has the resources, and the attitudes and comportment of the child. Meanwhile, a power shift needs to occur. We as mothers deserve to have our own power back into ourselves. This is a learning process. Being on this forum helps, in my experience.

 

[Midst]

Geez, Copa. I have copied and pasted so many of your comments to read over and over again.

I struggle with feeling guilty, or feeling to blame for my adult daughter's issues. She's a methamphetamine addict living on the streets. I'm raising her 2 1/2 year old son that the state took away from her and now I find out she's pregnant again! I simply can't take another baby for many reasons. I'm mad, sad, and sickened by her selfish and responsible actions. These are all the results of her choices, in spite of many attempts to help her.

 

[Copabanana]

feeling guilty, or feeling to blame for my adult daughter's issues

All of us do. But underneath that is the sense if I can just take the blame, and it's all my fault, then maybe I can fix it. But that doesn't work. We have no control .You can't fix your daughter. You know that.

My son is adopted. His birth grandmother had already taken in 4 or 5 of his siblings, babies of her drug-addicted, homeless daughter, by the time my son was born. She could not take in more babies. He was taken from his mother at 2 weeks. I found him when he was 22 months.

Look around you at the suffering in this world. Is all of it your fault? Let this go. People do as they do. Free yourself. You don't deserve more suffering. It's enough already. It's not your fault.

I am glad you are here. Keep posting. it helps.

 

[Midst]

All of us do. But underneath that is the sense if I can just take the blame, and it's all my fault, then maybe I can fix it. But that doesn't work. We have no control .You can't fix your daughter. You know that.

My son is adopted. His birth grandmother had already taken in 4 or 5 of his siblings, babies of her drug-addicted, homeless, when my son was born. She could not in more babies. He was taken from his mother at 2 weeks. I found him when he was 22 months.

Look around you at the suffering in this world. Is all of it your fault? Let this go. People do as they do. Free yourself. You don't deserve more suffering. It's enough already. It's not your fault.

I am glad you are here. Keep posting. it helps.

Thank you

 

[Midst]

I kicked my 19 year old son out a week ago and I’m on a rollercoaster of emotions. I swing between relief, relishing the peace and calm in the home and grief, sadness and missing him. The 2 main rules I expected was no drugs in the house and no drug dealing. Both of which he’s broken a number of times over the years, most recently me finding cocaine residue in his bedroom which I what culminated in me kicking him out but not before he smashed a bottle of juice across the front room and threatening to kick my head in. I’m know I’m minimising but reading through others experience on here, I’m wondering if I’ve been too harsh, thinking he’s not a drug addict but in reality he is. He smokes weed everyday, hasn’t worked for almost 18 months, uses some kind of substance daily, recently he’s been taking ‘lean’ (combination of Benadryl and codeine) and taking cocaine at the weekends to such excess I had to call an ambulance because he overdosed and was on the cusp of seizuring, he gets insanely paranoid and ‘patrols’ the house thinking someone is trying to get in, arms himself with a kitchen knife. It’s scary.
He’s always been a difficult wayward child, diagnosed with ADHD at 9 and I raised him largely on my own with the help of his sweet devoted grandmother. I have no influence anymore and have begged, pleaded, argued, threatened, kicked him out before because I found he’d used his brothers iPad to log into Snapchat to arrange drug deals, let him back after a week or 2, made him promise to get work and given deadlines which come and go and he doesn’t even try. He has no respect for me and no qualms in resorting to violence- smashing things up and verbal abuse but hasn’t attacked me physically. I’ve had to call the police a number of times. My sons youngest father moved out a few years ago and we now live separately whilst maintaining a relationship because he couldn’t cope with how his behaviour dominated the household and his disrespect led to them coming to blows. Both my partner and my son both resent me, my partner feels I’m responsible for not being tough enough on him and the many arguments where I defended him and my son resents me for allowing a man in my life who made him uncomfortable in his home.
I feel like a failure and that I’ve been a terrible mum, I’ve been very critical of my son over the last few years and felt so anxious everytime I was in his company. I know our lives aren’t compatible and me and his little brother deserve to live normal lives without being held ransom by his dysfunction. He’s not spoken to me since he left, I texted offering support in get him housing and if he wanted to go for dinner to talk but he ignored me and has totally shunned me, leaving my last text unread. I’m like a heartbroken teenager, checking to see if he’s read my text, calling his friends to see how and where he is (currently living out of hotels without money no doubtedly from criminal activities. I can’t sleep, I’m like a zombie and just sit in a daze which increases my guilt as I’m not being present for his little brother. Im worried he’s a suicide risk and know his mental health is not good and by kicking him out I’ve pushed him further towards dysfunction.
I feel like I’ve enabled, disabled and have a somewhat codependent relationship with him and don’t know how to recover from this.

Welcome. A couple of things you said stood out to me, "being held ransom to his dysfunction ", and "feeling like a broken hearted teenager " calling everyone to chase him down. I can totally relate! I've kicked out my drug addicted daughter 5 years ago and it was extremely hard! It does get better with time though, and know that you are doing the right thing. Let go of your regrets, what if's, and guilt. Nobody expects that our kids would possibly turn out this way, but we can't change or control anything at this point. Just pray that he asks for help and follows through. It may not be you that he gets help from, in fact it can't be you, he needs professional support and direction. I wish you peace and comfort now.