18yo Son Update

[New Life]

Recap:
I sold my house and am now settled in the apartment with my fiancé. My 24yo son just graduated college and is living with us. Fingers crossed I think he has a job he just interviewed for. While living here he will save to buy a new car and eventually move out on his own.

My 21yo and 18yo sons were given the option to live with us first but neither wanted to get rid of their dogs. The apartment we’re in has a two pet maximum and I have two cats already. Once I sold my house they stayed with their dad for a week or two. He lives at his girlfriend’s house and this wasn’t a permanent option.

Both the 21yo and 18yo have struggled with addiction. The 21yo has a DWI but seems to be handling life better now.

The 18yo has been through more than I can list. It started very young. ER trips for suicidal behavior. Arrested for criminal trespass and a year of juvenile probation. Turned 17 while on probation. The last day when the alcohol monitor came off he got drunk and got arrested with friends for robbery. Now on four years of adult probation. Was arrested again for violating. He wasn’t reporting things including contact with police. He was out about a week later. He was gifted an inexpensive car. I wish I’d never done that. In three and half months span he’s wrecked it three times, had it towed once when he ran out of gas and then his friend arrested for shoplifting, and now he just got a DWI on the third wreck. When I think it can’t get worse it does. He’s been through more phones than I can count. When his friend was arrested he had my sons phone so it was taken by the police as the other boys property. I bought a refurbished one. It was in his car when he got the DWI about a week ago. It’s now in that car as evidence. I said no more. So his dad replaced it with another refurbished phone. He’s lucky he was arrested for the DWI in another county. They let him go on a PR bond. When he reports for probation though it’s likely to be revoked. His license will be suspended soon as well. I’m dropping him from my insurance. He’s too expensive now and quite honestly doesn’t need to be driving. He could kill himself or someone else.

The 21yo found a dump of a trailer to rent for $500 a month. He actually seems ok with it though. I think he likes taking care of himself and being alone. My parents offered to pay his first month’s rent and I got him started with some groceries. He’s going to work every day now. Before he’d stay home whenever he felt bad. Money didn’t motivate him since he lived with me at our old house. I think the change has been good for him.

Back to the 18yo. He piggybacked on this. There was another trailer for rent for $600. He asked my parents if they’d pay his first month’s rent too. I told them not to. Keep in mind although this kid likes to work he can’t keep a job. He likes to drink and drug more and can’t be reliable or dependable. Any money he makes is always blown on vapes and alcohol. I understood why my mom couldn’t deny him though. So he is there. But he won’t be able to pay rent for the next month (month to month lease). He’ll be homeless at that point.

Today I saw the trailers for the first time. Oh man it was hard for me. Real dumps. But the really hard part was seeing my 18yo. First time since he was arrested for the DWI. He had a concussion and looks really terrible. He says he has alcohol withdrawal and is weaning himself off. Says he was drinking a case of beer and a bottle of whiskey a day. Who knows but I guess it was a lot. Now to “wean” himself he’s drinking those little single serving/shot bottles. It’s all crazy making. He says he’s been drinking 5-6 a day which is way less than what he was drinking. I could see more empty bottles than that and more he was still drinking. He was coughing a lot and just looked really strung out. He doesn’t want anything to do with rehab and I couldn’t stand to see it anymore. I had to leave.

I feel guilty for leaving. He wanted to see me. But I couldn’t be around him. It hurt to much. But then I start thinking and feel guilty again because he’s only 18. He should be just finishing high school and at home. Planning his life. I feel guilty I chose an apartment rather than renting or buying another house. Even though I know it’s not rational I feel like I kicked him out with nowhere to go. I also know if he were under my safety net it would delay the worst. The worst is coming a lot quicker now.

I don’t know how to cope. I feel so alone with this. I’m a mom. I want to nurture and care. I want to take care of him. But I can’t fix him. I would love to break my lease, get a house, and have him come home. But I know I couldn’t live with his addiction. Gosh it’s so hard. He’s so young. Today when I saw him I thought to myself he is going to kill himself eventually. If his PO revokes his probation that would actually be a relief to me. My momma heart is breaking right now…

 

[ANewLife4Me]

So good to hear from you New Life, your 21 year old seems to of accepted the responsibility in taking care of himself, how wonderful for you both! Even though you feel the place he lives is a dump we all have had to live in some not so nice places before as we bettered our future. I pray he keeps on this path.

My Mommas heart breaks for you as well concerning your 18 year old. Since moving you have done so much for him and tried, you did but he did not. Seeing him in the state of unhealthiness and a concussion I know how hard this was for you. He really needs to be in rehab if he is serious about slowing his drinking down. He can be monitored so nothing serious happens coming off of. But, you saw more bottles than what he has admitted too I have no doubt you saw through his lie.

It’s hard not to feel guilty but I really do not think you should. He is continuing to create the horrible conditions in his life. I don’t know about where you live but 18 here in Florida is considered an adult and they go to jail as such, no more juvenile detention for them. That’s the thing right there, he is now an adult and although the world sees him as such, we never grasp that concept. We are always going to want and come to the rescue no matter their age but we know at some point we have to stop. To me you seem super stressed and rightly so but, your 21 year old stepped up to the plate so you see it can be done. They try and guilt trip us and maybe that’s why he wanted to see you, face to face….look at me Mom and take pity. First off at this time he needs to be looked at medically for the concussion and general state of health but again because he is an adult, our hands are tied. He has to want too and it seems he just wants the world handed to him and he can do as he pleases.

My daughter has another court date coming up on the 16th of this month, am so worried she will be released for time served as it’s been 6 months now. My husband just today had feelings of we have to take care of her when she gets out. She will be on the streets only with the clothes on her back. We have no shelters here and I don’t think she has her wallet as from what I could see in her car that was repoed it was in there along with her cell phone. I told my husband absolutely not!!! we are not having her step one foot in this house! I reminded him how it was when she lived with us and he said hell no, she will not hit and act like that again around my wife! I said wait, it’s not just about me, she’s your daughter too and treated you the same. He said your right, I had forgotten all she did, thank you for reminding me. I tell you the story of my daughter again because it’s like your 18 year old, at some point we have to stop as this cannot go on forever, we put 10 years into giving her everything as an adult always made her better such as you giving him multiple cell phones, car, putting him on your insurance. I was going to get a junk car for my daughter so she would have shelter when she gets out, at least a roof over her head. BUT!! She has her license suspended yet again, if she drives and gets in any accidents guess who would pay and possibly go to court for compensation? Me! I would be left holding the bag AGAIN for her mistakes. So there will be no car buying and the full force of her actions she will realize on the streets. Is that what I want for her? Of course not but, she refuses to change and just keeps coming to us when in trouble. Her calls are becoming more frequent and we hang up each time, in fact I changed my phone number as I am serious, I cannot do this at this point in my life, so she keeps trying my husbands phone.

My story is similar to yours of feeling guilt, what can I do to get them to wake up and change. You’re going to drive yourself crazy with worry but, I say to you and start now. As he is the adult don’t waste 10 years of your life trying as I did not seeing any changes with him. Put the boundaries down now that unless he seeks rehab you will not support him. It’s the only thing going to save his life, the constant interference from you is not and may only fuel the fire for him to drink more because it’s not what he wants you after him all the time. He is not on board with your ideas or suggestions. My Dad was a full blown alcoholic and worked until the day he died. My husband worked at a few jobs with him and said my Dad hid his alcohol at work even. There is absolutely no excuse why he should not be working. So I beg of you, not to see this through a mother’s loving heart, see your courage in telling him what he must do and the repercussions if he does not. Continuing to coddle them actually makes this worse as we are essentially supporting their addictions and behavior. Don’t be me and come to the point I am at now, regretting of having wasted my life and all the stress my daughter caused. Today, I put my foot down and she, for once in her life, is responsible for any and all decisions she makes.

 

[New Life]

Thanks for the reply! I can write more later but wanted to add he was seen medically. At the wreck he was refusing medical treatment but he did have some stitches. His dad picked him up from jail and took him to the ER though. He was having trouble with his memory and forgetting things. He does have a concussion and was told something wrong with his spine and liver. I wasn’t there but what I can get from my son is something to do with the years of abuse to his body. They said he needs to take better care of himself and quit the partying. I’ve told him till I’m blue in the face that rehab will monitor him and help him detox safely. He’s 18 so knows everything and says it’s not like that - that without alcohol to wean he’ll die in there.

And to add what else I deal with. I tried talking to his dad about all this and here is his response. He puts all this on me.

**** needs a mother that loves and supports him in life. And I’m not talkin about physical needs. Although he feels slighted that he’s always had to deal with life’s challenges in a hurry and with no emotional support.
When you left his house after just getting there and had thought of (21yo brother) with groceries and stuff you brought him, he felt again like he’s lost his mother’s love. Believe it or not he still seeks your approval and loves you. He’s angry and hurt about feeling abandoned by you and even his brothers in varying degrees. Family is super important to him. Which is why the divorce hurt him so much. Through ADHD and bipolar and probation, addiction, being pushed out of the house, ect…on top of everything else and it’s too much. He gets overwhelmed and seeks drugs and alcohol to balance out his quality of life. He feels like every time he talks to you, guilt, disappointment and shame and failure is projected onto him…
This is what he talks to me about most all the time. I keep telling him not to give up on y’all’s relationship, but it’s not really working anymore. He has abandonment issues and rejection issues. Very low self esteem and a poor self image. He plays it off with humor but I see him.
Now you can take this as an attack and lose the love of your youngest son. Or you can take it with a grain of salt for what it is and change you and **** relationship for the better. It’s our love he’s seeking and guidance. He doesn’t know how to make it in the world. He also needs to talk through some things with you. I’ll be there if he wants me to be.
I’m doing everything I can think of to do. What I just told you is what it always comes back to.
I just hope he doesn’t get depressed and suicidal. I hope explaining all this wasn’t a waste of time. I have my own issues with you, so apologies for my lack of patience and any perceived insults.
If you give me a rebuttal I won’t waste my time texting you again.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Wow! This is so expected the child going to the parent who gives in to them and their choices and making the other parent who is trying to steer them in the right direction problems. He is using you both as a pawn in his game, I say this as it’s the very same thing my daughter did to us. I am always the strict one and hubby the softer, even as little children they learned who to go to and it caused us many fights. My daughter even from a young age started with….you love, her brother, more than me…..he is your favorite. The words hurts because it simply was not true as in the case of your ex saying he needs a mother’s love and he feels hurt you brought groceries over to the 21 year old. How quickly ALL forget what you did for him up to this point. I am sure you could write a book as we all can on what you did do again the cars, car insurance, cell phones….the list goes on and on.

I am glad to hear that he did receive medical attention and to find out at such a young age that he already has liver problems should be his wake up call. Of course you know if he does not quit now it eventually will kill him.

Unfortunately it seems as if you and your ex cannot come together on a common ground as my husband and I have and by the ending of his text will not text again if you try and make him see the sense of all this. He also is probably filling your son’s head with bad things about you. As far as your son feeling abandoned, not true but he will never see the sense of it all, he needs rehab - counseling and medication for his mental issues. I just don’t get your ex saying these things about you if your son will not try any of these things. I even attended AAA meetings with my daughter but as this was court ordered, she only attended to get her paper signed. My husband went with her to a court ordered meeting with the cops who showed a video of the mangled wrecks and people killed….he said my daughter actually laughed at that! What does your ex really think you, or he can do for your son when he won’t even try. I have the answer and this may come as a shock, you can keep giving him money, pay all his bills and rent him a really nice house, you can run to him anytime he gets in jail to bail him out…..etc etc etc. Sorry that last part was a joke, do everything for him and it will take care of this entire “problem” My daughter told it to me multiple times how other parents let them live for free at their home, I charged her rent. She used the words I wanted to hear….How am I supposed to save money and leave if I have to pay you? We charged her $300. a month and told her go get a place these days for that kind of money, including everything….I dared her. It’s all manipulation, how far will you let them both control you? Ex and son?

 

[Crayola14]

The 18-year old has a lot of maturing to do. I think moving out will help him grow up.

 

[New Life]

Thanks for the replies. It is so helpful to know there are others dealing with the same things I am.

NewLife, thank you for giving details about your own daughter. It's kind of like the crystal ball to the future of what could happen if I/we keep enabling him.

I do wish his dad and I could come together for our son's sake. I think it would really help him to see us united even if not married. His dad is an addict also and feeds off being the one who "understands" our son. He really thinks that my relationship with my son is the reason he's in this mess. And that I must fix that before our son ever gets better. Yet I've been there through thick and thin with this boy always supporting him. I don't know why he can't see it. A therapist told me often the stable and safe parent becomes the scapegoat which is what I think has happened. Their dad doesn't see you can't fix all the trauma with an addict. He needs rehab first. It's so unfortunate for our son. I wish his dad wouldn't placate so much and really talk to his son about where he's headed.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Thanks for the replies. It is so helpful to know there are others dealing with the same things I am.

NewLife, thank you for giving details about your own daughter. It's kind of like the crystal ball to the future of what could happen if I/we keep enabling him.

I do wish his dad and I could come together for our son's sake. I think it would really help him to see us united even if not married. His dad is an addict also and feeds off being the one who "understands" our son. He really thinks that my relationship with my son is the reason he's in this mess. And that I must fix that before our son ever gets better. Yet I've been there through thick and thin with this boy always supporting him. I don't know why he can't see it. A therapist told me often the stable and safe parent becomes the scapegoat which is what I think has happened. Their dad doesn't see you can't fix all the trauma with an addict. He needs rehab first. It's so unfortunate for our son. I wish his dad wouldn't placate so much and really talk to his son about where he's headed.

His Dad should certainly understand addiction and possibly why he is putting so much pressure on you to be the stronger one, I don’t know? I agree with the therapist of the strong being the scapegoat, I really feel that myself. We have carried the world and everyone in it on our shoulders but when it comes time that we cannot handle anymore, we are the problem.

I wish how much that could show you in detail everything we did for those 10 years with my daughter. I think that it would be an entire library of books I could write but, as you know we are at the very stage with her as when we first started except the years wasted that I regret so much of giving away. If your son actually came up with a plan with you, I know you would be on board with this. Instead he just wants to guilt trip you into further enabling. Since your ex will not respond with further talk of this, possibly have a talk with your son if you have not done so already or if he would even listen. Be firm and tell him that of course you love him, your not choosing one son over the other, that this is THE PLAN for you to be comfortable to help him with. Attend AA meetings with him and even therapy sessions together. And that if this is not want he wants, to let you know now. Tell him the consequences if he does not already know them of how far you’re willing to go at this time. This sounds like a dream conversation as I wish to have with my daughter but, soon as I go down that path it’s met with resistance, anger and violence from her. So honesty…..what are we parents supposed to actually do? It boggles my mind they expect to be taken care of the rest of their lives! NO!!!! We have a life too and we sure are going to begin and live it!

 

[lovemysons]

I will say this as the parent of a dead child. If you don’t do everything you can while they are alive, you will live with regrets once they are gone. I do not live with many regrets because I know there was no stone left unturned.

I will also say that I have some form of relief now that I am no longer suffering along side my son in this life anymore. As difficult as that is to say. Although I miss my son every moment of every day, those years were torture.
I really feel for all of you parents still in the trenches.

Thinking of you all,
LMS

 

[ANewLife4Me]

I will say this as the parent of a dead child. If you don’t do everything you can while they are alive, you will live with regrets once they are gone. I do not live with many regrets because I know there was no stone left unturned.

I will also say that I have some form of relief now that I am no longer suffering along side my son in this life anymore. As difficult as that is to say. Although I miss my son every moment of every day, those years were torture.
I really feel for all of you parents still in the trenches.

Thinking of you all,
LMS

Hugs Lovemysons! I have asked myself this very question, what if she were gone? Would I have guilt over what could have been? I can honestly say that while extremely sad, there is nothing else I could have done for my daughter. How I wish she would listen and I pray one day she will. We are at the point of coming full circle and refuse to let my remaining years be full of torture, my own mental simply cannot take anymore. This time of her being in jail was in a deep depression, so bad thought of taking my own life. I had to make the decision to let her take care of herself or I might be the one who won’t be here.

 

[lovemysons]

A new life for me…thank you for the hug.
Yes if it’s a decision between the functional parent and the rebellious adult child. The parent should survive. Although when my son first passed away I didn’t care if I lived or died. Every morning I woke up to reality shock!

I wish our children really knew how much our love for them was worth…priceless.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

A new life for me…thank you for the hug.
Yes if it’s a decision between the functional parent and the rebellious adult child. The parent should survive. Although when my son first passed away I didn’t care if I lived or died. Every morning I woke up to reality shock!

I wish our children really knew how much our love for them was worth…priceless.

I am so thankful you made it through the most horrible time of your life lovemysons and have such courage and compassion to share his story with others.

 

[UphillClimbMom]

Recap:
I sold my house and am now settled in the apartment with my fiancé. My 24yo son just graduated college and is living with us. Fingers crossed I think he has a job he just interviewed for. While living here he will save to buy a new car and eventually move out on his own.

My 21yo and 18yo sons were given the option to live with us first but neither wanted to get rid of their dogs. The apartment we’re in has a two pet maximum and I have two cats already. Once I sold my house they stayed with their dad for a week or two. He lives at his girlfriend’s house and this wasn’t a permanent option.

Both the 21yo and 18yo have struggled with addiction. The 21yo has a DWI but seems to be handling life better now.

The 18yo has been through more than I can list. It started very young. ER trips for suicidal behavior. Arrested for criminal trespass and a year of juvenile probation. Turned 17 while on probation. The last day when the alcohol monitor came off he got drunk and got arrested with friends for robbery. Now on four years of adult probation. Was arrested again for violating. He wasn’t reporting things including contact with police. He was out about a week later. He was gifted an inexpensive car. I wish I’d never done that. In three and half months span he’s wrecked it three times, had it towed once when he ran out of gas and then his friend arrested for shoplifting, and now he just got a DWI on the third wreck. When I think it can’t get worse it does. He’s been through more phones than I can count. When his friend was arrested he had my sons phone so it was taken by the police as the other boys property. I bought a refurbished one. It was in his car when he got the DWI about a week ago. It’s now in that car as evidence. I said no more. So his dad replaced it with another refurbished phone. He’s lucky he was arrested for the DWI in another county. They let him go on a PR bond. When he reports for probation though it’s likely to be revoked. His license will be suspended soon as well. I’m dropping him from my insurance. He’s too expensive now and quite honestly doesn’t need to be driving. He could kill himself or someone else.

The 21yo found a dump of a trailer to rent for $500 a month. He actually seems ok with it though. I think he likes taking care of himself and being alone. My parents offered to pay his first month’s rent and I got him started with some groceries. He’s going to work every day now. Before he’d stay home whenever he felt bad. Money didn’t motivate him since he lived with me at our old house. I think the change has been good for him.

Back to the 18yo. He piggybacked on this. There was another trailer for rent for $600. He asked my parents if they’d pay his first month’s rent too. I told them not to. Keep in mind although this kid likes to work he can’t keep a job. He likes to drink and drug more and can’t be reliable or dependable. Any money he makes is always blown on vapes and alcohol. I understood why my mom couldn’t deny him though. So he is there. But he won’t be able to pay rent for the next month (month to month lease). He’ll be homeless at that point.

Today I saw the trailers for the first time. Oh man it was hard for me. Real dumps. But the really hard part was seeing my 18yo. First time since he was arrested for the DWI. He had a concussion and looks really terrible. He says he has alcohol withdrawal and is weaning himself off. Says he was drinking a case of beer and a bottle of whiskey a day. Who knows but I guess it was a lot. Now to “wean” himself he’s drinking those little single serving/shot bottles. It’s all crazy making. He says he’s been drinking 5-6 a day which is way less than what he was drinking. I could see more empty bottles than that and more he was still drinking. He was coughing a lot and just looked really strung out. He doesn’t want anything to do with rehab and I couldn’t stand to see it anymore. I had to leave.

I feel guilty for leaving. He wanted to see me. But I couldn’t be around him. It hurt to much. But then I start thinking and feel guilty again because he’s only 18. He should be just finishing high school and at home. Planning his life. I feel guilty I chose an apartment rather than renting or buying another house. Even though I know it’s not rational I feel like I kicked him out with nowhere to go. I also know if he were under my safety net it would delay the worst. The worst is coming a lot quicker now.

I don’t know how to cope. I feel so alone with this. I’m a mom. I want to nurture and care. I want to take care of him. But I can’t fix him. I would love to break my lease, get a house, and have him come home. But I know I couldn’t live with his addiction. Gosh it’s so hard. He’s so young. Today when I saw him I thought to myself he is going to kill himself eventually. If his PO revokes his probation that would actually be a relief to me. My momma heart is breaking right now…

Mama hearts are SO tender. I have no advice. My son is similar but not a lot of drugs or alcohol but disorded thinking, can't get along with anyone, definitely mentally ill but refusing treatment/medication, has skirted law enforcement basically out of the goodness of others. The illegal/unlawful things he's done could have had him arrested and in prison but either there wasn't enough evidence to prosecute or the other party didn't want to press charges. My heart goes out to you, to all the parents here!

 

[Copabanana]

I don’t know how to cope. I feel so alone with this. I’m a mom. I want to nurture and care. I want to take care of him. But I can’t fix him. I would love to break my lease, get a house, and have him come home. But I know I couldn’t live with his addiction.

It's not only that you can't live with his addiction, he is a danger to himself and to others. At this point, nurturing him in your home would amount to enabling a serious addiction.

Only your son's choices can make a difference here. From what you write he is nowhere near wanting to do what is necessary to change. If you were to step in and "make everything alright," would it? Wouldn't you be acting to diminish your guilt, not because it was the right choice for your son?

There has to be buy-in from your son to get treatment and to do his part. Is there?

It could have been that there would have been a longer transition for your sons to live under your roof. You worried about that when you first came here. Your sons could have moved with you. Your sons could have found friends to take the dogs. But the elephant in the living room is their choice to be responsible or destructive. It sounds like the 21-year-old decided to spread his wings and fly. The younger son, not so much. But could you have lived with him and sheltered him with that level of drinking?

I think the issue here is your feelings and not the decision. The decision was sound, I think, and your sons made their own choices.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Newlife,
I was writing a reply and came back to finish and post but it disappeared! Congrats on selling your house and moving to the apartment, so sorry you are faced with issues with your two sons.

My 21yo and 18yo sons were given the option to live with us first but neither wanted to get rid of their dogs.

They had an option and they chose not to take it, that is on them, not you. You have a life to live apart from their choices. I think you have been more than reasonable.

When he reports for probation though it’s likely to be revoked. His license will be suspended soon as well. I’m dropping him from my insurance. He’s too expensive now and quite honestly doesn’t need to be driving. He could kill himself or someone else.

He is in a downward spiral and refuses to see it. You can’t sacrifice your life to “save” him. Most of us have tried to no avail. Our adult children will do as they please. You are making a sound decision to take him off your insurance. He is not being safe. He is a financial liability. Why should you pay for his poor choices?

He’s going to work every day now. Before he’d stay home whenever he felt bad. Money didn’t motivate him since he lived with me at our old house. I think the change has been good for him.

That’s a positive Newlife. It shows that when we pull back, our adult children can be more responsible. There is a saying-“Don’t do for others what they can do for themselves.”

The 21yo found a dump of a trailer to rent for $500 a month. He actually seems ok with it though. I think he likes taking care of himself and being alone.

He’s figuring life out. My late husband and I lived in an old dilapidated house when we were young. I didn’t let my parents know where I was, they would have been super concerned. I soon learned that I did not want to live in those conditions and found a more suitable apartment.

He likes to drink and drug more and can’t be reliable or dependable. Any money he makes is always blown on vapes and alcohol. I understood why my mom couldn’t deny him though. So he is there. But he won’t be able to pay rent for the next month (month to month lease). He’ll be homeless at that point.

We can’t control other adults decisions. Your son will have to learn the hard way. It’s unfortunate, but that is the reality of addiction. It’s hard, Newlife, to not worry and fret, to not predict catastrophic outcomes as far as our kids are concerned. Especially when we see them in such a state. I was seesawing in emotional turmoil and despair over my two. It was all I could think about. It was tearing me apart. I had to stop. I still have to work hard at letting go, lest I fall back into the rabbit hole.

Who knows but I guess it was a lot. Now to “wean” himself he’s drinking those little single serving/shot bottles. It’s all crazy making. He says he’s been drinking 5-6 a day which is way less than what he was drinking. I could see more empty bottles than that and more he was still drinking. He was coughing a lot and just looked really strung out. He doesn’t want anything to do with rehab and I couldn’t stand to see it anymore. I had to leave.

Who could stand to see that? Your son is young, but in the eyes of the law, considered an adult. He won’t listen to reason. This is not your fault, nor your responsibility to “fix” him.

But then I start thinking and feel guilty again because he’s only 18. He should be just finishing high school and at home. Planning his life. I feel guilty I chose an apartment rather than renting or buying another house. Even though I know it’s not rational I feel like I kicked him out with nowhere to go. I also know if he were under my safety net it would delay the worst. The worst is coming a lot quicker now.

It’s hard to see our kids as young adults making awful choices. But, you did not raise your son to live this way. There is no reason for you to feel guilty about choosing an apartment. You gave him an option. Plus, how would you be able to live peacefully with him acting this way under your roof? I don’t think being under a “safety net” delays the worst. The worst happened in my home, with my two. They were drugging and denying it, while the resulting drama and chaos affected our home. Please don’t blame your healthy boundaries on your son’s choices. Stepping back and not sheltering him from the consequences of his actions, is a loving thing to do. That’s how we learn. We won’t be around forever to fix our adult kids problems. They have to learn from their mistakes, that’s life.

I don’t know how to cope. I feel so alone with this. I’m a mom. I want to nurture and care. I want to take care of him. But I can’t fix him. I would love to break my lease, get a house, and have him come home. But I know I couldn’t live with his addiction. Gosh it’s so hard. He’s so young. Today when I saw him I thought to myself he is going to kill himself eventually. If his PO revokes his probation that would actually be a relief to me. My momma heart is breaking right now…

I’m sorry for the heartbreak. I know how it feels to be relieved when my kids in jail. It is sad to watch our children in such turmoil. But you are right, you can’t fix him, and it isn’t your job. It is his. I hope you are able to seek some help to process the grief of this. Going to counseling helps, Al anon, reading books, writing here. It is important to work towards turning your focus back to what you can control- yourself. Turn that need to nurture into taking care of yourself, your needs. Strengthen yourself so that you can find the stamina to survive this. So that you can continue with healthy responses for yourself and your son.

“I just hope he doesn’t get depressed and suicidal. I hope explaining all this wasn’t a waste of time. I have my own issues with you, so apologies for my lack of patience and any perceived insults.
If you give me a rebuttal I won’t waste my time texting you again.”

This is his dad writing to you? Oh no, New life. Please don’t buy in to this. He is guilt tripping and trying to manipulate you.

I do wish his dad and I could come together for our son's sake. I think it would really help him to see us united even if not married. His dad is an addict also and feeds off being the one who "understands" our son. He really thinks that my relationship with my son is the reason he's in this mess.

You are on opposite ends of the issue. There is a term for this, it’s called triangulation. Your son is using his father to try to get to you. Not good. He’s trying to blame you, the divorce, for his issues. We all have had challenges in our lives. We don’t use alcohol or drugs as coping mechanisms. You are on a healthy path for both you and your son by setting boundaries and sticking to them. My eldest used to use my late husband this way. She was his favorite, and he would do anything for her. I ended up being
the “bad guy” because I stood my ground and stopped enabling.

Their dad doesn't see you can't fix all the trauma with an addict. He needs rehab first. It's so unfortunate for our son. I wish his dad wouldn't placate so much and really talk to his son about where he's headed.

Again, we can’t control how other adults feel or act. Your ex is an addict as you wrote, he knows what your son needs to do.
Even if he did try to direct your son on a better course, would he listen?
I found something interesting from a motivational speaker named Mel Robbin’s-
“Every time you rescue somebody, you rob them of the opportunity to grow. Every time you step in and make the problem go away, you make the person a little weaker, and more dependent on you…..”
This makes so much sense. It helps to see the sensibility of detaching. Both for our own sanity, and to allow our adult children to grow and learn from their choices. It takes work to switch our focus from our wayward kids choices and consequences, which we have no control over, to focus on what we do have control over- ourselves and how we live our lives. It takes work to lovingly disengage from our wayward adult kids chaos and drama. Stepping back and letting go does not mean we don’t love them. It doesn’t mean that we coldly ignore them, it means that we stop focusing on the chaos and drama of their choices. It means that setting boundaries also refers to limiting the stress and emotional upheaval we go through, when our adult kids go off the rails. It becomes like a double drowning, our kids suffer the consequences of their choices, and so do we. If we continually engage and try to fix them, we get pulled into the quicksand with them.
You have your life to live. You have value and worth. You have made giant steps in setting boundaries and keeping them. We can’t fix our kids issues, but I believe by taking good care of ourselves, we are leading by example.
Stay strong.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[New Life]

I have further updates on my son. They aren't good. His dad and I both tried to convince him to go to rehab after his last wreck (3rd in three months) with a DWI. He wouldn't go. He's currently on probation for two counts of "theft from person". He thought he'd get away with probation in another county for the DWI at the same time. I guess it's a moot point now.

The other night he was very drunk and on pills. He ended up fighting his brother and dad both with a knife. His brother was actually cut but not too bad. They both had to put him in a choke hold because they thought he was trying to kill them (he was that crazed). They all are pretty beat up. The property owner/manager of the trailers they live in got out his shot gun and called the police. He could've easily killed someone or been killed in self-defense. He ran off before the police arrived. There are warrants for him on "aggravated assault of a family member with a deadly weapon" and a "terroristic threat" as he was saying he would kill everyone in the trailer park. He called me the next morning after wandering the woods all night. He was an absolute wreck. I took him back to his trailer and stayed till he fell asleep.

His dad came a few hours later and this time he decided to go to rehab. I hope it's because he sees he needs help and not just to make his case look better when he's finally arrested. I really hope they don't find out where he is so he can get help as long as possible. I hope he will tell the courts he has a problem and needs help too. I just can't stand to think of him going to prison.

I love my boy so much. It's strange though. I don't even cry at this stuff anymore. I'm so shut down. It's hard for me to feel anything - good or bad. Tell me how you manage to enjoy things?

 

[LetGo]

I have further updates on my son. They aren't good. His dad and I both tried to convince him to go to rehab after his last wreck (3rd in three months) with a DWI. He wouldn't go. He's currently on probation for two counts of "theft from person". He thought he'd get away with probation in another county for the DWI at the same time. I guess it's a moot point now.

The other night he was very drunk and on pills. He ended up fighting his brother and dad both with a knife. His brother was actually cut but not too bad. They both had to put him in a choke hold because they thought he was trying to kill them (he was that crazed). They all are pretty beat up. The property owner/manager of the trailers they live in got out his shot gun and called the police. He could've easily killed someone or been killed in self-defense. He ran off before the police arrived. There are warrants for him on "aggravated assault of a family member with a deadly weapon" and a "terroristic threat" as he was saying he would kill everyone in the trailer park. He called me the next morning after wandering the woods all night. He was an absolute wreck. I took him back to his trailer and stayed till he fell asleep.

His dad came a few hours later and this time he decided to go to rehab. I hope it's because he sees he needs help and not just to make his case look better when he's finally arrested. I really hope they don't find out where he is so he can get help as long as possible. I hope he will tell the courts he has a problem and needs help too. I just can't stand to think of him going to prison.

I love my boy so much. It's strange though. I don't even cry at this stuff anymore. I'm so shut down. It's hard for me to feel anything - good or bad. Tell me how you manage to enjoy things?

Hi New Life, How does it work if he is in rehab with a warrant? Will rehab allow him in with a warrant? Your son is young but clearly having such a difficult time. I understand the "shut down" feeling you have. I think sometimes it is the only way to survive but it is not healthy. I have certainly had my fair share of shutting down. I do have other aspects of my life that I enjoy-painting, playing games with friends, hubs, etc. These times are for me...just for me. Not only are we allowed to take care of ourselves, it's imperative or we can't help anyone else. Read the Detachment article...it helps. Do you have any hobbies? Do you journal? I find this really helpful. I am thinking of you.

 

[New Life]

Yes rehab took him knowing the legal situation. According to my ex-husband the rehab won’t confirm or deny if he’s there either. I hope he is correct and our son will be able to get help. Then I think the plan will be to turn himself in after he’s finished treatment. They say attending rehab will help his case.

I do have hobbies. I love reading and puzzles. Both of those activities can still be pretty isolating. I probably should start journaling again and spending time with others more.

 

[LetGo]

Yes rehab took him knowing the legal situation. According to my ex-husband the rehab won’t confirm or deny if he’s there either. I hope he is correct and our son will be able to get help. Then I think the plan will be to turn himself in after he’s finished treatment. They say attending rehab will help his case.

I do have hobbies. I love reading and puzzles. Both of those activities can still be pretty isolating. I probably should start journaling again and spending time with others more.

Oh, I am sooo glad that rehab took him and that he is there!! I would think that would help him and his case. I enjoy doing puzzles but really only do them occasionally. I read quite a bit. Spending time with others is helpful...maybe you could join a book club?

 

[New Leaf]

Hi New Life,
I’m sorry for the recent chaos you all have experienced.

The other night he was very drunk and on pills. He ended up fighting his brother and dad both with a knife. His brother was actually cut but not too bad. They both had to put him in a choke hold because they thought he was trying to kill them (he was that crazed). They all are pretty beat up. The property owner/manager of the trailers they live in got out his shot gun and called the police. He could've easily killed someone or been killed in self-defense. He ran off before the police arrived. There are warrants for him on "aggravated assault of a family member with a deadly weapon" and a "terroristic threat" as he was saying he would kill everyone in the trailer park. He called me the next morning after wandering the woods all night. He was an absolute wreck. I took him back to his trailer and stayed till he fell asleep.

This is absolutely terrifying. I am glad no one was seriously hurt. I hope your son is aware of the state he was in and is scared enough to follow through with rehab. Did he remember what happened New Life?

His dad came a few hours later and this time he decided to go to rehab. I hope it's because he sees he needs help and not just to make his case look better when he's finally arrested. I really hope they don't find out where he is so he can get help as long as possible. I hope he will tell the courts he has a problem and needs help too. I just can't stand to think of him going to prison.

I know the idea of prison is horrible to those of us who have not experienced it. I actually reached the point where I am glad when my daughter is picked up on a bench warrant. She is off the streets and away from drugs. After a few weeks of sobriety, she calms down. She joins the work line, where she can make a little money. She has a chance to think about her life choices, rather than “party” all the time.

I love my boy so much. It's strange though. I don't even cry at this stuff anymore. I'm so shut down. It's hard for me to feel anything - good or bad. Tell me how you manage to enjoy things?

I think that we go into a numb mode to protect ourselves. There is only so much the mind and body can handle. You have been through a lot with your two sons and that is emotionally and mentally draining. It is difficult from that standpoint to use good judgment, and to pull away from overthinking about the consequences your son faces for his choices. I know it is hard, he is 18. But, New Life, his facing prison as a result of his violent episode may just be a turning point for him. If we don’t have consequences, we don’t learn. I was at the place you are at many times. I had to realize how my health and mindset were effected by my daughters choices. I had to realize that I was more vested in their choices and outcomes, than they were. Chaotic episodes would happen that turned my world upside down and it was “just another Tuesday” for them.
It got to the point where I had to prayerfully give them to God and ask for Him to watch over them, it was too much for me to bear.
I have had to learn and relearn this over and again. I do love my daughters as well, but my emotional attachment to their lifestyle and consequences was killing me. I was going through the motions, on auto pilot, shut down and just not myself. It’s the most difficult thing to do, to constantly grieve over someone we love dearly, who is still walking the earth. Recognizing this, and processing the emotions, was a first step to getting my life back. I had to slow way down and take time to breathe. I had to stop “awfullizing”, dwelling on what catastrophe may happen next. Because I had absolutely no control over my daughter’s choices. Zilch.
That reality forced me to take a good look at myself. To open up my eyes to how much time I spent fretting over my two, knee jerk reacting to every single situation, constantly in “rescue” mode. My over involvement didn’t help them to make better choices. I was tethered and falling down the rabbit hole.
Your son is going to rehab. That is a good thing. You have some time to breathe and start to figure out how to get your life back. One step at a time. It takes work to pull up and out of shutting down. Sometime it takes therapy. You are worth every effort to find your joy, to live a good life, no matter what your son’s choices are. Hang in there.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[New Life]

Thanks for the replies LetGo and NewLeaf. Funny you mention a book club. I am in one. And I have a group I play bunco with each month. And another I have dinner with each month. So I’m doing things but going through motions often. I just recently started therapy again also.

I haven’t figured out the quoting on my phone but I resonate with the statement that you realized you were more vested in their choices and outcomes than they were. I definitely am.

He does remember a bit of the night. He was crying to his dad saying he doesn’t know why he does the things he does. So maybe that’s a start. We’ll see.