Reaching out for advice, support, a kick in the a** !

[UphillClimbMom]

***I typed this up a few days ago, when I first tried to post on here, found out I had been here in 2007 to get help, support regarding this son. 23 year old son has since been fired, trespassed and escorted from his place of employment/room&board place of living by police. We offerred him gas money home, (1000 miles away)would help him get a room somewhere, CANNOT live at home, pay 2 months rent for him, on the condition, he got a job, attended psyvchologist/psychiatrist appointments to get an adult diagnoses, would pay for him to get an attorney to get SSDI, take medication and get counseling. He refused and is now homeless***

A little back story, My son Matthew, age 23, was always the “difficult” child; hyper, needed little sleep, super risk taking, happy one minute and raging the next. In a self contained class room from 1st grade to 8th. His Dad and I were only together for 3 years, his Dad was very similar to how my son is today. We were divorced and he and his new wife won custody. They *always* maintained that the behavior issues were because of me, denied he had adhd, odd, anxiety, depression. They accused me of making up his issues and behaviors, like a Mental Health Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy.. And because of all of this and they being custodial parents, they denied our son any testing, counseling, medication. They kept him under their thumb and were very strict with him. At age 18 he chose to live with me and they cut all ties with him.



My son works now at a Major national park in the hospitality department, he has had an off again/on again relationship, his moods and behavior are getting more and more erratic. Just two nights ago, I got a text that my son was threatening to kill people and asked for the authorities to be called. When I called my son, he ranted about hating his job, hating the guests, hates his bosses, hating his coworkers. We talked for a little while and he seemed to calm down, later his g/f texted me screen shots of their conversations where my son is completely unhinged, saying who his is going to murder and how he is going to do it. He is like a broken record, everyone is out to get him, he hates everyone, his bosses are incompetent, guests are entitled. Nothing is ever good at any job he has ever had, very similar stuff, dumb people, stupid tasks at work, incompetence, etc. He has said violent things before but never this graphic, directed and specific.

I used to feel like with the school shootings, If I was told my son was a school shooter, I’d believe them! He is that weird and out of touch with reality. He is planning on moving from this job and state to another state, and start a new job in early July. He typically looks forward to changes as “going to fix everything”. I don’t think he’ll make it to the end of June at his current job. I want to call the sheriff where he lives and ask for a welfare check but I am certain, he’d turn on the charm and tell them he is fine.

I keep on thinking/hoping that a light bulb is going to go off and he’ll start behaving like a typical person. I am terrified he is going to end up homeless and futureless. He tried living with me for a few months between Job Corps and the National Park job, Covid hit and he had to live with us. He is unbearable to live with, hew stayed up all night, played video games, slept all day, would not life finger to do anything, silent and mopey most of the time, we have a 1000 sq ft house and 3 big dogs. He doesn’t like them breathing on him, 0r pacing back and forth, he makes them nervous, He threatens to hit them, and has rage yelled at my husband when he intervened telling our son to not treat the dogs badly. After the rage yelling, my husband says he can’t live with us ever again. I do not blame him. We slept with our bedroom door locked being really fearful he’d come in and hurt us in the middle of the night.

My son is emotionally immature, employed in an entry level job, doesn’t save any money Made 25k last year, has very few expenses and to date, has $140 in his account, so 1 crisis and he’s going to be without a place to live. I’ve honestly been terrified that my son is going to get murdered because of his awful personality. That is a lot to unpack, I know. I wish I could fix him but I’ve given all I can and nothing has helped. I don’t know what I am asking for but having read a lot of you alls posts, I feel awful for all of you and myself. I think I can say the things I need to say and not be judged. My sister’s kids are, the first a Phd level Nurse Practioner and their 2nd, an actual Rocket Scientist, High HIGH achieving, friendly, normal, academically talented and good decent citizens. My son finished high school with a special kind of diploma, he didn’t have to take the standardized test like other’s, because in all of his wild acting up in school, he didn’t learn much plus he has learning disabilities. My friend’s kids are graduating from law school and my son, is off the rails, nuts! I don’t know what to do to help him

 

[katya02]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's so hard to watch our adult children struggle. We work hard to get our kids to adulthood and independence but outcomes are not guaranteed. Your son sounds like he has mental health issues; unfortunately those will not be addressed as an adult unless/until he seeks help. His behaviors are different - those are chosen, even in the context of mental health issues. That was a concept that the psychiatrist who treated one of my difficult children impressed on me - that a child or adult can have a given diagnosis, but they can and must still be expected to interact reasonably with other people. They will alter their behaviors depending on what seems best to them at the time, but mental illness does not relieve them of responsibility.

That was a lightbulb moment for me. Our difficult child had rages and destructive behaviors, and the thought that we didn't have to endure them was a revelation. That said, an adult who chooses dangerous behaviors, chooses to make threats of violence etc., is a danger to you and the rest of your family. The time for helping him change behaviors is past; it is society that will now provide the consequences, not you.

At this point, the most helpful thing is to realize that there is nothing you can do to make your son change his behaviors. You are no longer responsible to provide him housing, money, jobs, or protection, and he will not thank you for trying to do that. You can and will, as a loving parent, hope he makes good decisions and love him, but you cannot fix his life or determine his choices. This job of detaching from trying to control outcomes for our children is tough! I'm still working on it. But we can't change the choices or lives of any other adult, including our children. What we can do is love them, pray for them if that is part of our life, and take care of ourselves and the other family members we have. Sending hugs and strength to you.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Uphillclimb,
Welcome back to CD. So sorry for your need to be here. It is tough when our kids get to adult age and go off the rails, be it addiction or mental health challenges. I’m sorry for your heartache.

We offerred him gas money home, (1000 miles away)would help him get a room somewhere, CANNOT live at home, pay 2 months rent for him, on the condition, he got a job, attended psyvchologist/psychiatrist appointments to get an adult diagnoses, would pay for him to get an attorney to get SSDI, take medication and get counseling. He refused and is now homeless***

This is a lot that you offered your son. It’s that old saying, “Can lead a horse to water, can’t make him drink.” Most of us are here, because our adult children will not live conventional lives, and have not modeled the values we taught them. By a long shot. What happened? They grew up, and decided to live as they choose. As is their right, but that reality doesn’t make it any easier on us.

When I called my son, he ranted about hating his job, hating the guests, hates his bosses, hating his coworkers. We talked for a little while and he seemed to calm down, later his g/f texted me screen shots of their conversations where my son is completely unhinged, saying who his is going to murder and how he is going to do it. He is like a broken record, everyone is out to get him, he hates everyone, his bosses are incompetent, guests are entitled. Nothing is ever good at any job he has ever had, very similar stuff, dumb people, stupid tasks at work, incompetence, etc. He has said violent things before but never this graphic, directed and specific.

That’s extremely scary, Uphill. Honestly, I hope his girlfriend gets the heck out of Dodge.

He is planning on moving from this job and state to another state, and start a new job in early July. He typically looks forward to changes as “going to fix everything”. I don’t think he’ll make it to the end of June at his current job. I want to call the sheriff where he lives and ask for a welfare check but I am certain, he’d turn on the charm and tell them he is fine.

He’s going to do what he’s going to do, no matter what your opinion is. We have absolutely no control over what our adult children do. As for a welfare check, I understand what you are saying. I’ve seen it with my late hubs cousin who has PTSD from his military service. He will be screaming and yelling, raging, police come and he’s a completely different person. Speaking calmly and laughing. It’s bizarre.

I keep on thinking/hoping that a light bulb is going to go off and he’ll start behaving like a typical person. I am terrified he is going to end up homeless and futureless. He tried living with me for a few months between Job Corps and the National Park job, Covid hit and he had to live with us. He is unbearable to live with, hew stayed up all night, played video games, slept all day, would not life finger to do anything, silent and mopey most of the time, we have a 1000 sq ft house and 3 big dogs. He doesn’t like them breathing on him, 0r pacing back and forth, he makes them nervous, He threatens to hit them, and has rage yelled at my husband when he intervened telling our son to not treat the dogs badly. After the rage yelling, my husband says he can’t live with us ever again. I do not blame him. We slept with our bedroom door locked being really fearful he’d come in and hurt us in the middle of the night.

Good Lord, who could live with that behavior? I’m glad your husband put his foot down. Our homes should be our sanctuaries, not a place to have to lock ourselves in our bedrooms for safety. As for your son’s future, he is the captain of his ship and will steer it where he pleases. Your fear of the consequences he may or may not face, is stressful and damaging for you. I know, I’ve been there. Two daughters meth addicted and living on the streets. After years of living this reality, I had to find a way to stop worrying and fretting over them. It was eating me up inside. I didn’t give up on them, I gave up the idea that it was my job to fix them. I still have hope that they will want better for themselves, but that cannot be my main focus. We have no control over our adult children.

That is a lot to unpack, I know. I wish I could fix him but I’ve given all I can and nothing has helped. I don’t know what I am asking for but having read a lot of you alls posts, I feel awful for all of you and myself.

You have given all you can. You are a good mom. It is a hard journey we travel, but one that leads us to working at building back our strength, standing up for ourselves and setting healthy boundaries. You have already set boundaries for your son. Good. Now its time to stop focusing on him and work on yourself. Because you can’t change him. But, you can work at slowing way down, finding ways to process your feelings, creating healthier responses within yourself so that whatever your son chooses, you can live your life in peace.

I think I can say the things I need to say and not be judged.

You are correct, this is a safe place to share your story. You may receive advice that doesn’t suit you, take it or leave it. We have all been at different junctions along the way. One thing that is a common denominator is that we have adult children that have addiction or mental health issues or a combination. Most of us came here because we were dealing with these issues and exhausted our resources and ourselves with little or no evidence of change in our wayward kids. I have received much help and support here. I hope you will, too.

My sister’s kids are, the first a Phd level Nurse Practioner and their 2nd, an actual Rocket Scientist, High HIGH achieving, friendly, normal, academically talented and good decent citizens. My son finished high school with a special kind of diploma, he didn’t have to take the standardized test like other’s, because in all of his wild acting up in school, he didn’t learn much plus he has learning disabilities. My friend’s kids are graduating from law school and my son, is off the rails, nuts! I don’t know what to do to help him

Ditto, Uphill. My sibling's kids are all doing well. My friend’s kids, too. Good for them.
You are not alone in having an adult child who has struggled with disabilities from youth. Looking at others successes can only further make you feel isolated and helpless. It is not your fault that your son has learning disabilities. It is not your fault that he is spiraling out of control.
There are resources for him out there, if he avails himself.
There are resources for us too, to deal with the heartache and to find support systems that help us navigate this difficult journey. Many here have found help through NAMI, or Al anon for those with wayward adult children with addiction. These organizations highlight the need for self care.
Self care is so critical for us to be able to put one foot in front of the other and live meaningful lives. Self care and loving ourselves is not selfish, it’s what we wish for our children, that they would love themselves enough to get treatment, enter rehab, etc. You have been dealing with your son’s issues for a long time, Uphill. I’m sure it has taken a heavy toll on you. Oftentimes parents will come here feeling so devastated and worn down because of their adult children’s choices, they feel it impossible to find peace and joy in their lives. They feel badly that they live comfortably, while their wayward kids are out there struggling. It’s as if by sacrificing our own lives, we would somehow benefit our kids. It doesn’t. Now we are talking about two lives spiraling downward. Please find ways to uplift yourself and switch focus to what you can control- yourself. Katya mentioned detachment, there is a good article here Article on Detachment | Parent Emeritus
The word detachment used to bother me, I will always feel attached to my children, I love them. Detachment means that we work on understanding that we can’t control or fix our wayward kids, stop feeling fearful, obligated or guilted into being overly enmeshed with their choices.
I hope that you find peace, Uphill. It’s a one day at a time challenge. I am a literal uphill climber, I live below a steep hill and have been clearing
and cultivating it for nearly 30 years. It was super hard in the beginning, overgrown with invasive weeds. I am still battling the jungle, but have learned to look at sections at a time. If I look at the whole project, I get frustrated and overwhelmed. I think that’s similar to our work at finding peace within ourselves, no matter what’s going on with our kids. One section at a time. You are so worth the effort.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf

 

[Copabanana]

At age 18 he chose to live with me and they cut all ties with him.

This is so sad.

I got a text that my son was threatening to kill people and asked for the authorities to be called

my son is completely unhinged, saying who his is going to murder and how he is going to do it.

He has said violent things before but never this graphic, directed and specific.

Your son appears to meet the criteria for involuntary hospitalization. In California that would be called 5150.

I want to call the sheriff where he lives and ask for a welfare check but I am certain, he’d turn on the charm and tell them he is fine.

The text that details his specific threats could be shown to the authorities. My fear would not be that he would charm the sheriff but that he would act on what might be paranoid delusions. I would do whatever I could to get him hospitalized.

 

[UphillClimbMom]

This is so sad.





Your son appears to meet the criteria for involuntary hospitalization. In California that would be called 5150.

The text that details his specific threats could be shown to the authorities. My fear would not be that he would charm the sheriff but that he would act on what might be paranoid delusions. I would do whatever I could to get him hospitalized.

I thought of that and decided to not call the Sheriff, because he said he'd commit suicide if he was hospitalized. I regret the choice, as now he is homeless and I don't know how to find him!!

 

[UphillClimbMom]

That’s extremely scary, Uphill. Honestly, I hope his girlfriend gets the heck out of Dodge.

Yes. They have broken up but that doesn't mean much, they have broken up and gotten back together 50 times in the last 18 months. She is the one that forwarded the information about the threats to his employer.

He’s going to do what he’s going to do, no matter what your opinion is. We have absolutely no control over what our adult children do. As for a welfare check, I understand what you are saying. I’ve seen it with my late hubs cousin who has PTSD from his military service. He will be screaming and yelling, raging, police come and he’s a completely different person. Speaking calmly and laughing. It’s bizarre.

My son is very handsome and can talk like a "normal" person, turns it on and off!

Good Lord, who could live with that behavior? I’m glad your husband put his foot down. Our homes should be our sanctuaries, not a place to have to lock ourselves in our bedrooms for safety.

I agree. He has been such a strength for me! It's like the old 'what would Jesus do", bracelets; I ask myself, "what would a non-enmeshed parent of a psychologically abusive adult child do?" My husband is the stepdad and that distance help!

You have given all you can. You are a good mom.

Thank you. I feel like I am a good mom but really failed him.

The word detachment used to bother me, I will always feel attached to my children, I love them. Detachment means that we work on understanding that we can’t control or fix our wayward kids, stop feeling fearful, obligated or guilted into being overly enmeshed with their choices.
I hope that you find peace, Uphill.

I have printed out the article about Detaching and found it to be very cogent and helpful, especially the part about Detachment ,"allowing every person...with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent autonomous being." and "Allows people to be who they "really are" rather than "who you want them to be".

(((Hugs)))

New Leaf

The analogy about the hill was moving, thank you!!

 

[UphillClimbMom]

Hi Uphillclimb,
Welcome back to CD. So sorry for your need to be here. It is tough when our kids get to adult age and go off the rails, be it addiction or mental health challenges. I’m sorry for your heartache.

This is a lot that you offered your son. It’s that old saying, “Can lead a horse to water, can’t make him drink.” Most of us are here, because our adult children will not live conventional lives, and have not modeled the values we taught them. By a long shot. What happened? They grew up, and decided to live as they choose. As is their right, but that reality doesn’t make it any easier on us.

That’s extremely scary, Uphill. Honestly, I hope his girlfriend gets the heck out of Dodge.

He’s going to do what he’s going to do, no matter what your opinion is. We have absolutely no control over what our adult children do. As for a welfare check, I understand what you are saying. I’ve seen it with my late hubs cousin who has PTSD from his military service. He will be screaming and yelling, raging, police come and he’s a completely different person. Speaking calmly and laughing. It’s bizarre.


Good Lord, who could live with that behavior? I’m glad your husband put his foot down. Our homes should be our sanctuaries, not a place to have to lock ourselves in our bedrooms for safety. As for your son’s future, he is the captain of his ship and will steer it where he pleases. Your fear of the consequences he may or may not face, is stressful and damaging for you. I know, I’ve been there. Two daughters meth addicted and living on the streets. After years of living this reality, I had to find a way to stop worrying and fretting over them. It was eating me up inside. I didn’t give up on them, I gave up the idea that it was my job to fix them. I still have hope that they will want better for themselves, but that cannot be my main focus. We have no control over our adult children.
You have given all you can. You are a good mom. It is a hard journey we travel, but one that leads us to working at building back our strength, standing up for ourselves and setting healthy boundaries. You have already set boundaries for your son. Good. Now its time to stop focusing on him and work on yourself. Because you can’t change him. But, you can work at slowing way down, finding ways to process your feelings, creating healthier responses within yourself so that whatever your son chooses, you can live your life in peace.


You are correct, this is a safe place to share your story. You may receive advice that doesn’t suit you, take it or leave it. We have all been at different junctions along the way. One thing that is a common denominator is that we have adult children that have addiction or mental health issues or a combination. Most of us came here because we were dealing with these issues and exhausted our resources and ourselves with little or no evidence of change in our wayward kids. I have received much help and support here. I hope you will, too.

Ditto, Uphill. My sibling's kids are all doing well. My friend’s kids, too. Good for them.
You are not alone in having an adult child who has struggled with disabilities from youth. Looking at others successes can only further make you feel isolated and helpless. It is not your fault that your son has learning disabilities. It is not your fault that he is spiraling out of control.
There are resources for him out there, if he avails himself.
There are resources for us too, to deal with the heartache and to find support systems that help us navigate this difficult journey. Many here have found help through NAMI, or Al anon for those with wayward adult children with addiction. These organizations highlight the need for self care.
Self care is so critical for us to be able to put one foot in front of the other and live meaningful lives. Self care and loving ourselves is not selfish, it’s what we wish for our children, that they would love themselves enough to get treatment, enter rehab, etc. You have been dealing with your son’s issues for a long time, Uphill. I’m sure it has taken a heavy toll on you. Oftentimes parents will come here feeling so devastated and worn down because of their adult children’s choices, they feel it impossible to find peace and joy in their lives. They feel badly that they live comfortably, while their wayward kids are out there struggling. It’s as if by sacrificing our own lives, we would somehow benefit our kids. It doesn’t. Now we are talking about two lives spiraling downward. Please find ways to uplift yourself and switch focus to what you can control- yourself. Katya mentioned detachment, there is a good article here Article on Detachment | Parent Emeritus
The word detachment used to bother me, I will always feel attached to my children, I love them. Detachment means that we work on understanding that we can’t control or fix our wayward kids, stop feeling fearful, obligated or guilted into being overly enmeshed with their choices.
I hope that you find peace, Uphill. It’s a one day at a time challenge. I am a literal uphill climber, I live below a steep hill and have been clearing
and cultivating it for nearly 30 years. It was super hard in the beginning, overgrown with invasive weeds. I am still battling the jungle, but have learned to look at sections at a time. If I look at the whole project, I get frustrated and overwhelmed. I think that’s similar to our work at finding peace within ourselves, no matter what’s going on with our kids. One section at a time. You are so worth the effort.
(((Hugs)))
New

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It's so hard to watch our adult children struggle. We work hard to get our kids to adulthood and independence but outcomes are not guaranteed. Your son sounds like he has mental health issues; unfortunately those will not be addressed as an adult unless/until he seeks help. His behaviors are different - those are chosen, even in the context of mental health issues. That was a concept that the psychiatrist who treated one of my difficult children impressed on me - that a child or adult can have a given diagnosis, but they can and must still be expected to interact reasonably with other people. They will alter their behaviors depending on what seems best to them at the time, but mental illness does not relieve them of responsibility.

That was a lightbulb moment for me. Our difficult child had rages and destructive behaviors, and the thought that we didn't have to endure them was a revelation. That said, an adult who chooses dangerous behaviors, chooses to make threats of violence etc., is a danger to you and the rest of your family. The time for helping him change behaviors is past; it is society that will now provide the consequences, not you.

At this point, the most helpful thing is to realize that there is nothing you can do to make your son change his behaviors. You are no longer responsible to provide him housing, money, jobs, or protection, and he will not thank you for trying to do that. You can and will, as a loving parent, hope he makes good decisions and love him, but you cannot fix his life or determine his choices. This job of detaching from trying to control outcomes for our children is tough! I'm still working on it. But we can't change the choices or lives of any other adult, including our children. What we can do is love them, pray for them if that is part of our life, and take care of ourselves and the other family members we have. Sending hugs and strength to you.

Thank you for your kind words!!

 

[UphillClimbMom]

Thank you!

 

[Copabanana]

he said he'd commit suicide if he was hospitalized.

Many of our adult children threaten suicide. While there is no guarantee they won't do it, it can often be either manipulation or dramatization of strong feelings they don't know how to handle.

My son many times threatened suicide. He stopped doing it when he saw he was hospitalized involuntarily for the threats.

My son has been homeless for a long time. I tried every single thing I could try. Eventually, their lives are in their own hands. The circumstances of their lives, they have to handle, whether or not they can or they will.

I believe my life has value too. I believe your life has value, too.

Your son will reappear. I feel quite sure of that.