Validation of My Actions

[Quincy Kathy]

Hi, I’m new to this forum but after reading some posts this seems like a place of individuals who have life situations very similar to mine. I have a 46 years old son with 7 OUI convictions and currently on probation. He has not drank in 18+ months until today. He is full of rage and told me he will never speak to me again. I told his wife to take their vehicle and go to a friend’s house. Obviously, he drives when he’s drunk and I don’t want him to hurt anyone. He has mental health issues but refuses help. Tonight I told him he was responsible for his life situation and he went off. I need to find some strength and coping skills.

 

[Copabanana]

He has not drank in 18+ months until today.

You are not alone.

First, if this is your real name, please change it for your privacy and your family's.

The anger and volatility and blaming that your son is doing are part of the disease. It is a wonderful thing that he maintained sobriety for 18 months. As you may know, relapse is a part of recovery. I recognize his probation may be revoked as a consequence of his drinking. If it is, it is. It's the reality that he must face. But you don't have to face it with him.

Just because we suffer does not mean we are not strong. You will find support and understanding here with us. Almost all of us are in your situation and have been for many years. We have each other. Most of us have very few others in our lives that truly understand. I know, I don't. What I am trying to say here, is that I feel certain you have strength and you have coped, but enough is enough. Sometimes we can't fit one more bit of suffering in us, and we need to share it with others. Here, with us, you can.

I pray your son gets or returns to treatment. Mental health issues can be secondary to drinking. That is, the alcoholism can cause them. And of course, people turn to alcohol to self-medicate, too. But the thing is, it's your son's business what he does and when.

I have tried for years and years to get my son to get psychological and drug treatment to no avail. He does not want to. Period. If after all these years I keep pressuring him, who is the one with the problem? I am.

Our adult children are entitled to their own lives. And their own feelings. The best thing I have done for my son and myself is to back a whole lot out of his life and to accept that he calls the shots. Now I am trying to find a way back together, a healthy distance. It's hard.

My son is mentally ill and has had a traumatic brain injury. I have come to face that he may not have the capacity ever to live as I would have wished. I am trying (again) to find a way that I can help him without putting myself in a meat grinder. It is very, very difficult. As you love your son, II love my child. Welcome.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Hello Kathy, indeed you are not alone as Copa said, welcome. It seems your son is cutting you off, as my daughter did, because we are trying to “help” turn their life around in a direction they do not want to go. Our strength comes from talking to others, are you able to attend a support group? Nami, (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has a support line you can text Mon-Friday for free. All you do is type to the number then type Hello next and someone will text you back to chat with you. They do not require any personal information such as your/son’s name. I have used this a few times and have been helped by reaching out. They also have free in person support groups in your area run by parents going through similar situations.

Available Monday Through Friday, 10 A.m. – 10 P.m., ET.​

Call 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), text "HelpLine" to 62640or email us at [email protected]

Home | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is the nation’s largest grassroots mental health organization dedicated to building better lives for the millions of Americans affected by mental illness.

www.nami.org

He may also be saying he will not speak with you ever again as a form of manipulation that you might become weak and give in to his demands. Be strong as difficult as this is, my daughter too has mental illness but, she knows right from wrong. She can hold a job, drive a car, pay her bills. But when she tries to manipulate me it’s the first thing that comes out of her mouth…..well Mom I have mental issues. I have mental issues as well but everyday I wake up to try even harder than the day before. In my daughter’s situation I feel she uses her mental as an excuse. She also refuses medication or therapy so what really can we do if they don’t want to help themselves? I pray your son will one day, as I do for all of our children, that they can turn themselves around.

Big hugs!

 

[Fairy dust]

Hello and welcome to the forum. Hugs to you as I can see you are hurting. I agree with the others that our adult children need to make their own decisions and face the consequences. Their life may not be what we had envisioned but so be it. Please take some time for yourself and seek counselling if you feel the need to. It worked wonders for me in terms of getting my esteem back, setting boundaries and learning to let go. Also seeing what manipulation on the part of our sons or daughters looks like. Lastly, let the dust settle for awhile. You have no need to contact him right away And you all need time to process. That is perfectly okay.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi QK,
So sorry for your need to be here, I am glad you posted, it is good to be able to express the hurt and dismay you are feeling. It is not exactly a conversation to be had over lunch with folks who have not experienced the pain of it. You are not alone. There are many here, including myself, who have been through the wringer with adult children’s alcoholism or addiction.

I have a 46 years old son with 7 OUI convictions and currently on probation. He has not drank in 18+ months until today. He is full of rage and told me he will never speak to me again.

This is hard to go through, a long period of sobriety then relapse. I am sorry that the rage your son feels is expressed towards you. It is hurtful to endure.

I told his wife to take their vehicle and go to a friend’s house. Obviously, he drives when he’s drunk and I don’t want him to hurt anyone. He has mental health issues but refuses help. Tonight I told him he was responsible for his life situation and he went off. I need to find some strength and coping skills.

He is responsible for his choices and situation. You have set a boundary and spoken truth and that’s not what he wants to hear. You didn’t cause it, can’t control it. Your home should be your sanctuary, a place of peace. My late hubs and I went through many chaotic episodes with our two daughters, before I finally realized that we were completely enmeshed in rescue mode. The trouble was, they did not want to be rescued from their addiction, they didn’t want the full consequences of their bad choices.
I came across this forum almost 9 years ago when I woke up and closed the “revolving door” to my home. Things had gotten so out of control. It was awful. The kind folks here helped me immensely to stay the course. I found strength and coping skills through posting and responding to other members posts. You can too.
I’m sorry for your aching Mommas heart.
Hugs
New Leaf

 

[Quincy Kathy]

You are not alone.

First, if this is your real name, please change it for your privacy and your family's.

The anger and volatility and blaming that your son is doing are part of the disease. It is a wonderful thing that he maintained sobriety for 18 months. As you may know, relapse is a part of recovery. I recognize his probation may be revoked as a consequence of his drinking. If it is, it is. It's the reality that he must face. But you don't have to face it with him.

Just because we suffer does not mean we are not strong. You will find support and understanding here with us. Almost all of us are in your situation and have been for many years. We have each other. Most of us have very few others in our lives that truly understand. I know, I don't. What I am trying to say here, is that I feel certain you have strength and you have coped, but enough is enough. Sometimes we can't fit one more bit of suffering in us, and we need to share it with others. Here, with us, you can.

I pray your son gets or returns to treatment. Mental health issues can be secondary to drinking. That is, the alcoholism can cause them. And of course, people turn to alcohol to self-medicate, too. But the thing is, it's your son's business what he does and when.

I have tried for years and years to get my son to get psychological and drug treatment to no avail. He does not want to. Period. If after all these years I keep pressuring him, who is the one with the problem? I am.

Our adult children are entitled to their own lives. And their own feelings. The best thing I have done for my son and myself is to back a whole lot out of his life and to accept that he calls the shots. Now I am trying to find a way back together, a healthy distance. It's hard.

My son is mentally ill and has had a traumatic brain injury. I have come to face that he may not have the capacity ever to live as I would have wished. I am trying (again) to find a way that I can help him without putting myself in a meat grinder. It is very, very difficult. As you love your son, II love my child. Welcome.

Thank you for your support.

 

[Quincy Kathy]

Hi QK,
So sorry for your need to be here, I am glad you posted, it is good to be able to express the hurt and dismay you are feeling. It is not exactly a conversation to be had over lunch with folks who have not experienced the pain of it. You are not alone. There are many here, including myself, who have been through the wringer with adult children’s alcoholism or addiction.

This is hard to go through, a long period of sobriety then relapse. I am sorry that the rage your son feels is expressed towards you. It is hurtful to endure.

He is responsible for his choices and situation. You have set a boundary and spoken truth and that’s not what he wants to hear. You didn’t cause it, can’t control it. Your home should be your sanctuary, a place of peace. My late hubs and I went through many chaotic episodes with our two daughters, before I finally realized that we were completely enmeshed in rescue mode. The trouble was, they did not want to be rescued from their addiction, they didn’t want the full consequences of their bad choices.
I came across this forum almost 9 years ago when I woke up and closed the “revolving door” to my home. Things had gotten so out of control. It was awful. The kind folks here helped me immensely to stay the course. I found strength and coping skills through posting and responding to other members posts. You can too.
I’m sorry for your aching Mommas heart.
Hugs
New Leaf

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond to my dire situation. My son is 46 and I have been struggling with him since he was 14. I feel like my reserves are drained empty. I appreciate and read all of your comments. QK

 

[New Leaf]

QK,
I have found looking back when I was deep in the rabbit hole trying to stop the crazy of my daughter’s choices, that I was synchronistically going down along with them. It is akin to a double drowning. The thing is, I was more entrenched in their consequences and horrid choices than they were.
It’s a no wonder we get so caught up in the chaos, these are our children and we love them. Unfortunately, addicted adult children will use that love to manipulate us and keep us in what I call the swirly whirly. Going round in circles trying to rescue and help, we lose sight of our own health and well being.

My son is 46 and I have been struggling with him since he was 14. I feel like my reserves are drained empty.

My two daughters who I call Rain- 44, and Tornado- 33 have similar stories. It was a long time dealing with the misery, my late hubs was willing to keep at it, but like you, I was running on empty. The positive outlook with that, is that eventually we get sick and tired of being sick and tired and have to do something to save ourselves.
It does our adult kids no good to allow them to wreak havoc on our lives. Setting boundaries and standing up for yourself is essential to you surviving the crazy, and it shows your son that there are limits to his actions. That you will not be dragged along for the hellish ride of his choices. You have value and worth, a life to live, a future. That’s aside from your son’s alcoholism and disrespect, abuse towards you. It is what we wish for our adult children, that they will love themselves enough to make better choices. We have absolutely no control over that, but we do have the right to live peacefully and that is in our control. Learning to switch focus inward, to love yourself enough to stop the downward spiral, takes work. You are so worth the effort. We are all worth the effort. Reading books, writing here, seeking answers to help get out of the quicksand of dealing with a loved ones addiction, stop the delusional thinking that we can influence or control our adult children’s choices. We can’t. The control you have is to start to set boundaries for yourself as far as your involvement with your son’s choices. What really helped me was to give my two back to God. It was too much for me to process and endure. Writing here helps tremendously to stay the course. It is not a straight line switching focus and finding respite. You are worth way more than just existing from one crisis to the next. You are worth way more than feeling depleted and in despair.
I hope you are able to work towards loving yourself and healing. That is the best thing we can do for our wayward adult kids, show them by example. Loving yourself is not selfish, it is essential for your well-being.
I hope each day you will find ways to build your strength and feel better.
Hugs
New Leaf

 

[MommaTried24]

You are not alone.

First, if this is your real name, please change it for your privacy and your family's.

The anger and volatility and blaming that your son is doing are part of the disease. It is a wonderful thing that he maintained sobriety for 18 months. As you may know, relapse is a part of recovery. I recognize his probation may be revoked as a consequence of his drinking. If it is, it is. It's the reality that he must face. But you don't have to face it with him.

Just because we suffer does not mean we are not strong. You will find support and understanding here with us. Almost all of us are in your situation and have been for many years. We have each other. Most of us have very few others in our lives that truly understand. I know, I don't. What I am trying to say here, is that I feel certain you have strength and you have coped, but enough is enough. Sometimes we can't fit one more bit of suffering in us, and we need to share it with others. Here, with us, you can.

I pray your son gets or returns to treatment. Mental health issues can be secondary to drinking. That is, the alcoholism can cause them. And of course, people turn to alcohol to self-medicate, too. But the thing is, it's your son's business what he does and when.

I have tried for years and years to get my son to get psychological and drug treatment to no avail. He does not want to. Period. If after all these years I keep pressuring him, who is the one with the problem? I am.

Our adult children are entitled to their own lives. And their own feelings. The best thing I have done for my son and myself is to back a whole lot out of his life and to accept that he calls the shots. Now I am trying to find a way back together, a healthy distance. It's hard.

My son is mentally ill and has had a traumatic brain injury. I have come to face that he may not have the capacity ever to live as I would have wished. I am trying (again) to find a way that I can help him without putting myself in a meat grinder. It is very, very difficult. As you love your son, II love my child. Welcome.

My son was seizing in the womb and when he was born. He was on phenobarbital the first four months of his life and when I read what long term use of that drug can do, the medical staff and I decided to try and wean him. He had zero seizures and a perfectly normal life for 10 years. He was molested at 8 by a man his dad left him with during visitation. We've been divorced since my son was three. At twelve the seizures had become progressively worse. He had a brain surgery that removed the right frontal temporal lobe of his brain. He had a 50/50 chance of the seizures being gone. It didn't work. He's been on medications every 12 hours for 18 years now. I feel the brain surgery only created more of a deficit. The drinking causes dehydration and more seizures. It's a vicious cycle and I truly can't believe he's still alive. He was always a really smart and good kid. The only time I don't worry as much about him now is when he's in jail. Sad to say but true. This has become my life. I must find a way to overcome what has become of my child. I can't tell you how much it's helping me to follow you. Again, thank you.