Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
14 year old step-son is scaring me
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 283244" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I recognise this. But remember - NO child CHOOSES to be bad, or difficult, not without thre being some problem.</p><p></p><p>Whether the problem is damaging/inconsistent parenting or simply the disorder itself (whatever it is) doesn't really matter. It could even eb a combination. But a healthy, normal child wouldn't behave this way.</p><p></p><p>Ditto for the 12 y o. As he said himself, his brother's behaviour 'justifies' his deterioration in behaviour. The 12 yo is frustrated and angry, is misbehaving as the only way, it seems, to have anyone listen to him and pay attention. He's upset because YOU'RE all not coping. He is just a kid and having to live with the fear also. You're an adult, and afraid. How much more scared is a 12 yo going to be, especially when he sees parents afraid?</p><p></p><p>You didn't specify what the molestation of his mother was. If there was any sexual component to it, it should have been reported. If it was simply a physical attack borne of frustration, it's a more grey area but perhaps still should have been reported even if you asked that no action be taken. There needs to be a record of what is happening. To tell you to not report it is to make sure there is no record, not a good thing with ongoing behaviour. </p><p></p><p>The specialists and teachers sound like they're just not coping. And to pass a kid who has failed, just to get rid of him - that is reinforcing the bad behaviour in a way that encourages it even more.</p><p></p><p></p><p>It's as if they're all collaborating to try to deliberately produce the most dysfunctional person tey can. If they were actively working to make him more difficult, they couldn't be doing a better job.</p><p></p><p>Very worrying.</p><p></p><p>One last thought - we talk about typical teen (typical teen) behaviour. It can at times be quite extreme. A frustrated teen throwing a tantrum can be violent, can be scary. They can kick holes in walls, they can physically attack. But I have never heard of a typical teen urinating everywhere and then shaking the offending appendage at the person in authority. The fact that the person in authority having the thing waved at him is the STEPfather (ie the usurping male authority figure) says a great deal, all of it worrying. Again, NOT normal.</p><p></p><p>What he did was a blatant challenge to your parental authority and even more, a challenge to your MALE authority. Which means that at some level, this boy sees himself as the MALE who "owns" the household and all the people in it. All should be subject to his force and should do his bidding. Always.</p><p></p><p>This could be due to his bizarre father, or it could be due to past abuse, or it could be due to an underlying psychiatric disorder, or it could be a combination. But whatever it is - it is NOT normal, it is not safe or healthy for it to continue. The members of the household are entitled to feel safe. They also ALL have to see that such behaviour brings consequences (negative ones, on the perpetrator) and that action can and will be taken to keep everyone safe. Otherwise, what is it all for? Why try to be a good person? Why try to do the decent thing by others, if being aggressive and violent brings you more results?</p><p></p><p>I hope you can get help soon, for everybody.</p><p></p><p>A diagnosis would be useful. But before that, security would be even better.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 283244, member: 1991"] I recognise this. But remember - NO child CHOOSES to be bad, or difficult, not without thre being some problem. Whether the problem is damaging/inconsistent parenting or simply the disorder itself (whatever it is) doesn't really matter. It could even eb a combination. But a healthy, normal child wouldn't behave this way. Ditto for the 12 y o. As he said himself, his brother's behaviour 'justifies' his deterioration in behaviour. The 12 yo is frustrated and angry, is misbehaving as the only way, it seems, to have anyone listen to him and pay attention. He's upset because YOU'RE all not coping. He is just a kid and having to live with the fear also. You're an adult, and afraid. How much more scared is a 12 yo going to be, especially when he sees parents afraid? You didn't specify what the molestation of his mother was. If there was any sexual component to it, it should have been reported. If it was simply a physical attack borne of frustration, it's a more grey area but perhaps still should have been reported even if you asked that no action be taken. There needs to be a record of what is happening. To tell you to not report it is to make sure there is no record, not a good thing with ongoing behaviour. The specialists and teachers sound like they're just not coping. And to pass a kid who has failed, just to get rid of him - that is reinforcing the bad behaviour in a way that encourages it even more. It's as if they're all collaborating to try to deliberately produce the most dysfunctional person tey can. If they were actively working to make him more difficult, they couldn't be doing a better job. Very worrying. One last thought - we talk about typical teen (typical teen) behaviour. It can at times be quite extreme. A frustrated teen throwing a tantrum can be violent, can be scary. They can kick holes in walls, they can physically attack. But I have never heard of a typical teen urinating everywhere and then shaking the offending appendage at the person in authority. The fact that the person in authority having the thing waved at him is the STEPfather (ie the usurping male authority figure) says a great deal, all of it worrying. Again, NOT normal. What he did was a blatant challenge to your parental authority and even more, a challenge to your MALE authority. Which means that at some level, this boy sees himself as the MALE who "owns" the household and all the people in it. All should be subject to his force and should do his bidding. Always. This could be due to his bizarre father, or it could be due to past abuse, or it could be due to an underlying psychiatric disorder, or it could be a combination. But whatever it is - it is NOT normal, it is not safe or healthy for it to continue. The members of the household are entitled to feel safe. They also ALL have to see that such behaviour brings consequences (negative ones, on the perpetrator) and that action can and will be taken to keep everyone safe. Otherwise, what is it all for? Why try to be a good person? Why try to do the decent thing by others, if being aggressive and violent brings you more results? I hope you can get help soon, for everybody. A diagnosis would be useful. But before that, security would be even better. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
14 year old step-son is scaring me
Top