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14 year old step-son is scaring me
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 283520" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>He already resents you. So what do you have to lose?</p><p></p><p>Also - did YOU hear the doctor say this, or is this what your wife told you he said? A parent in denial only hears what they want to hear.</p><p></p><p>You are in danger, yourself, of being accused of being the problem. So in order to protect yourself from inappropriate accusations, YOU need to ensure a paper trail is in place. YOU talk to the police, off the record to begin with if you feel you must, ask them what you should do. Or talk to them and report the past incident, ask the police to note tat you reported it; that way if there is an escalation of problems and the boy says you're lying and only choosing to make it all up NOW, you will be able to go to the police and THEY will have a record of your reporting, over a period of time.</p><p></p><p>If your wife is in such denial that she won't allow you to let anyone know, then eventually it will all boil over and everyone gets scalded. At that point you will find yourself leaving and reporting the problems.</p><p></p><p>You wantto keep everyone safe - standaing guard is not the most effective way. Are you prepared to lose your wife in your attempts to keep her and other children safe? How much could you sacrifice for her?</p><p></p><p>If you really do love her so deeply that you want to help, then YOU need to report it even in the facce of her fury. Of course talk to her about it first, but YOU are the man of the house and not this out of control child. YOU should be able to insist that the people under YOUR roof can sleep securely. </p><p></p><p>You have that right here.</p><p></p><p>I hear you, about not wanting to leave; what would be accomplished. As you said, I agree - I don't think your wife would 'get' the message, she would actually lose one person who is trying to keep her in touch with the harsh reality of the situation. But you are getting hooked in to her unreality, by being talked out of reporting.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you talked to a counsellor of your own. You got good advice.</p><p></p><p>I'm concerned about this boy's doctors. He has three doctors, but all of them seem to have theier heads inthe sand. Why would such parents take a kid like him to ineffective doctors?</p><p></p><p>1) Maybe the doctors are not so ineffective, but you're not being told what they're REALLY saying;</p><p></p><p>2) Maybe these are the only doctors who tell the parents what they want to hear;</p><p></p><p>3) Maybe these are the only doctors left who aren't totally terrified by this boy.</p><p></p><p>I've known parents in denial, who when told by some of the best specialists in their field what they didn't want to hear, would remove their child from the care of those good specialists and go to someone else where the patternwould be repeated. The parents would be told what they didn't want to hear, the child would be removed from the care of that doctor (again!) and the child would be moved on. Eventually the standard of care available to that child was outside the usual specialty (no specialists left in that modality) and was at a fairly incompetent level. The doctors at that level were desperate enough to keep their patients, so they worked out what not to say to the parents, to prevent the child being removed from their care. So the parents were at least being told what they wanted to hear.</p><p></p><p>The boy's father sounds very unstable, verty dangerous. Some mental conditions are hereditary, in that the tendency to be that way can be passed on. There are still things that can be done, but not if the problems are unrecognised and untreated.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with this one. Talk to someone in authority, get their opinion on what you should do - then go do it. Even if it jeopardises your relationsip. Here you are, trying to not damage your relationship but tis boy is doing a lot of damage - so how far will the boy go, to damage your relationship, that his mother will allow? What will she do if she has to choose betyween you saying, "We have to report this, I will do it even if you throw me out," vs the damage this boy is doing to everyone?</p><p></p><p>If she would rather throw you out than report her son, then you need to be out of tis relatiosnhip because she is not sufficiently committed to you, to save you when the false accusations begin to fly.</p><p></p><p>And if false accusations fly and get beleived - then again, no help will be available for the family. But you will be gone (by legal decree) and this time, YOU will have the (undeserved) record.</p><p></p><p>Please don't let that happen.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 283520, member: 1991"] He already resents you. So what do you have to lose? Also - did YOU hear the doctor say this, or is this what your wife told you he said? A parent in denial only hears what they want to hear. You are in danger, yourself, of being accused of being the problem. So in order to protect yourself from inappropriate accusations, YOU need to ensure a paper trail is in place. YOU talk to the police, off the record to begin with if you feel you must, ask them what you should do. Or talk to them and report the past incident, ask the police to note tat you reported it; that way if there is an escalation of problems and the boy says you're lying and only choosing to make it all up NOW, you will be able to go to the police and THEY will have a record of your reporting, over a period of time. If your wife is in such denial that she won't allow you to let anyone know, then eventually it will all boil over and everyone gets scalded. At that point you will find yourself leaving and reporting the problems. You wantto keep everyone safe - standaing guard is not the most effective way. Are you prepared to lose your wife in your attempts to keep her and other children safe? How much could you sacrifice for her? If you really do love her so deeply that you want to help, then YOU need to report it even in the facce of her fury. Of course talk to her about it first, but YOU are the man of the house and not this out of control child. YOU should be able to insist that the people under YOUR roof can sleep securely. You have that right here. I hear you, about not wanting to leave; what would be accomplished. As you said, I agree - I don't think your wife would 'get' the message, she would actually lose one person who is trying to keep her in touch with the harsh reality of the situation. But you are getting hooked in to her unreality, by being talked out of reporting. I'm glad you talked to a counsellor of your own. You got good advice. I'm concerned about this boy's doctors. He has three doctors, but all of them seem to have theier heads inthe sand. Why would such parents take a kid like him to ineffective doctors? 1) Maybe the doctors are not so ineffective, but you're not being told what they're REALLY saying; 2) Maybe these are the only doctors who tell the parents what they want to hear; 3) Maybe these are the only doctors left who aren't totally terrified by this boy. I've known parents in denial, who when told by some of the best specialists in their field what they didn't want to hear, would remove their child from the care of those good specialists and go to someone else where the patternwould be repeated. The parents would be told what they didn't want to hear, the child would be removed from the care of that doctor (again!) and the child would be moved on. Eventually the standard of care available to that child was outside the usual specialty (no specialists left in that modality) and was at a fairly incompetent level. The doctors at that level were desperate enough to keep their patients, so they worked out what not to say to the parents, to prevent the child being removed from their care. So the parents were at least being told what they wanted to hear. The boy's father sounds very unstable, verty dangerous. Some mental conditions are hereditary, in that the tendency to be that way can be passed on. There are still things that can be done, but not if the problems are unrecognised and untreated. Good luck with this one. Talk to someone in authority, get their opinion on what you should do - then go do it. Even if it jeopardises your relationsip. Here you are, trying to not damage your relationship but tis boy is doing a lot of damage - so how far will the boy go, to damage your relationship, that his mother will allow? What will she do if she has to choose betyween you saying, "We have to report this, I will do it even if you throw me out," vs the damage this boy is doing to everyone? If she would rather throw you out than report her son, then you need to be out of tis relatiosnhip because she is not sufficiently committed to you, to save you when the false accusations begin to fly. And if false accusations fly and get beleived - then again, no help will be available for the family. But you will be gone (by legal decree) and this time, YOU will have the (undeserved) record. Please don't let that happen. Marg Marg [/QUOTE]
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14 year old step-son is scaring me
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