15 Year Old TRYING To Get Pregnant!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by MomOfGirls, Nov 21, 2017.

  1. MomOfGirls

    MomOfGirls New Member

    Hi everyone. I’m new here. Have been reading posts for a week or so now because my daughter (15) had started seeing a therapist and taking medication. High school started this year and she seemed excited to start and things were going well. Few weeks into the year boyfriend came into the picture. To summarize this - everything changed. Grades became worse and suddenly she asks to see a therapist. We go and after first visit therapist suggests we might want to hospitalize her because daughter could assure her if she had thoughts of harming herself she would come to her dad or I. We talked to daughter and came to an agreement where we that didn’t happen and we’re moving forward. Boyfriend still in the picture but end of the quarter grades were bad and I started getting a little more involved in her business because she was still being withdrawn and coming home from school and napping, having a hard time waking up and not getting homework done. Through some discovery in text messages I found out they had sex. With the threat of hospitalization, the grades and this discovery we told her that for a few weeks - through progress reports that she and boyfriend needed to lay off. This past weekend, I went to her room to give her her medications (she takes them in the morning and usually sleeps late on weekends) and the door was locked. I popped the lock and what do I find? Boyfriend in bed. I won’t go into details of the past couple of days but it hasn’t been pretty and this is what has come out:

    Boyfriend has been sneaking into our house multiple times a week!!! Hiding out in her closet when we are still up and checking in on her periodically. Daughter and boyfriend have been INTENTIONALLY trying to get pregnant because she feels that this will force us to have to let them see each other because it’s would be his kid too. Daughter also says that she doesn’t want to be around us. She doesn’t like us. She doesn’t see us as parents. She wants to live with boyfriend and his dad. We have NO CLUE where this is coming from. They have things all worked out according to her how this will play out if she’s pregnant. I am just spinning right now and am pretty much beside myself.

    We are attempting to get ahold of boyfriends father to 1) see just what he knows about this relationship and if he’s realized or even cares that his 16 year old son isn’t home multiple nights a week and 2) if boyfriends story about dad allowing them to live there and help out is actually true. I can’t actually fathom any parent that would be perfectly ok with this. I can’t actually fathom that my own daughter in lieu of just working s little harder to bring up grades chooses to try to get pregnant to make sure she can see boyfriend.

    She was not raised like this. We have not let her just run free when she started going out with this kid - wouldn’t even let her ride with him in his car. Right now everything is so messed up I can’t think straight and I am an emotional wreck. Not really looking for answers because there’s nothing really to answer yet. But maybe hoping someone might have been in a similar situation and have suggestions or thoughts about what to do. Husband and I feel pushed into a corner. If we refuse to let her do anything we realize she could just disappear after school one day. We’ve tried to offer some options to allow them to see each other but keep her home and safe (we realize that what’s happened has happened with the sex and we have to accept that) but she refuses. She wants out. Part of me feels like say fine if you have it all worked out then have fun with it but I just can’t come to terms just yet with saying we’re going to let you move out of my house just because you hate us and you think you know how life works and will be happier elsewhere. She’s TOO YOUNG and i don’t know how I would manage. I don’t even know if that’s legal. How do you deal with something like this???
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Have you looked at state law for age of consent?

    I think a therapist could help you out with all these issues. If you let her move out, and she doesn't go to school, would you be held liable for a truant child? Could you be charged with neglect?

    Birth control...can you start the injections? Would your dtr agree to birth control?

    So many questions... Ksm
     
  3. MomOfGirls

    MomOfGirls New Member

    The age of consent in my state is 17. He’s 16 so I don’t know if there’s anything that can be done as far as that goes. When I caught them and I got the run around about if they used a condom birth control was my next stop. I called that Monday and made an appointment. Since we had her possession of her electronics I went through the messages and that is when I discovered that they were intentionally trying to get her pregnant! So sadly the answer to your question at the moment is she’s not really receptive to birth control but more importantly we have to wait until the latter part of next week to find out if she is pregnant if she’s not then my hope is that she will be relieved and we can get her on bc. Although it isn’t the ideal situation at least I can rest a little easier.

    When this happened I emailed the therapist to let her know because she had an appointment that next night. Oddly enough daughter didn’t want to go to that appointment but we made her. She was pissy the whole time. Dad and I talked after it trying to figure out what the heck to do. We just want her safe. We made an offer - we get the whole baby idea off the table and her on bc. We allow them to be together and we give step back a little from the 24 hour watch we’ve been keeping on her. She follows house rules and gets grades up and we will start with a clean slate regarding the lies and all. She turned it down. Said no she’s rather go live with boyfriend and his dad. Mainly so she could get away from us.

    This is heartbreaking to me. She’s my baby. I don’t understand what we’ve done to make her feel like this. I’m fighting multiple battles here. Trying to get her to want to stay home, trying to believe anything she says to me because there has been so many lies, trying to decide how to allow this young man who I want to do very bad things to back into her life, trying to figure what happens if she is pregnant and wants to leave (if we refuse I guarantee she will run away) , trying to figure out what to do if she isn’t pregnant and she wants to leave (probably same sutuation if we refuse). We don’t know all the dynamics of the boyfriends family but I know it’s not the best. Just the sheer fact that neither mom nor dad have a problem with their 16 year old son being gone all night multiple nights says volumes to me. I will note here though that that they don’t have a problem with it is an assumption and we are trying to contact them to find out just what they know about what’s been going on. I never in a million years thought I would be here.
     
  4. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    My heart goes or to you. We blame ourselves so much when our children act out.

    One valuable thing I learned very quickly when I came to this sight is
    We did not Cause the issues.
    MWe can not Cure the issues.
    We can not control the issues.

    She is so very young and rebelling. Touching base with the parents is good however, be prepared for all possible outcomes.

    As she is a minor and she is acting out and is a harm to herself and others as well as truant from school. Is there an in house residential program she can be placed in? This will keep the boyfriend at bay and allow her some care and analysis to figure out what’s wrong.

    I too have woke to find strangers I’m my house in my sons bed. So disrespectful and annoying.

    I am afraid if I found some one a second time I would call the police for a break and enter charge. This is why my sons girlfriends of late have only tired this stunt once and no more.

    This is so challenging. So take care of yourself.

    You sound like a good and caring parent.
     
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  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Is she old enough to legally refuse medical treatment? If not, I'd have the shot or the implants put in. Definitely check state laws before you make the appointment. It's been awhile since I needed to know, but IIRC in California the legal age to refuse medical treatment is 12. Had my darling daughter known that, it would have been hell at our house. It was bad enough when she was medication compliant, but we had a big blue metal carrot we hung, AKA her truck, and having the keys meant taking her medications and maintaining decent grades, along with behaving like a civilized person in general.
     
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  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If you're taking her to the gynecologist, it might be a good idea to have the gynecologist have a talk with her. Maybe call the doctor before the appointment if you can and explain what's going on. There are privacy laws, even for teenagers in some states, and the doctor may not be able to tell you how your daughter responds, but that doesn't mean you can't give the doctor information. They've seen it all and can explain to the daughter what the consequences are - then it's not coming from you, it's coming from a professional.

    As someone with a daughter who got pregnant at 18, I feel for you. This was my biggest fear from about age 15 on, and I'm pretty sure my daughter did get pregnant on purpose. She turns 30 iin a few weeks, and is now doing really well ... so there's hope, regardless of what happens.

    Hugs.
     
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  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Have you drug tested her? Have you completely and thoroughly searched her room? I mean searched every nook and cranny of it, including between mattresses and underneath the drawers and every other place you can possibly think of? If you haven't, I would start there.

    The major reason for a sudden change in attitude and for grades suddenly slipping, etc... is not a boyfriend or hating parents. It isn't teenage rebellion. It is a drug or alcohol problem. No, I would NOT trust a therapist to catch it. I would search the room when she isn't there, and then her bag and purse when she comes home. I would search a shed if you have one, or a garage or any other area you don't normally go into or search often if you think she could hide things there. You would be astounded where things can be hidden. Before you search her bag, or do the search of her room, I would go and buy a multi panel drug test at Walmart or a drug store. Then the day you do the search, I would insist on the drug test. I would watch her produce the sample. Her behavior has shown you that she does not deserve privacy, hasn't it? She hid a person in your home for weeks and now you are supposed to give her privacy? No, I don't think so.

    I bet you find a drug problem or else they have been drinking. Something is going on. Insist on the drug test done randomly if she wants any privileges. Anything other than the most basic food, clothing (not clothing or food she likes, just basic food and clothing), and bare bones furniture and sheets and her school books, is a privilege. You can take anything other than that away if you think it will help. I would make a list of what I wanted her to do and then I would prioritize those things. I would pick 2 or 3 things that MUST be done, and ignore the rest. I would use whatever I had to in order to get her to agree to do what I needed regarding those few items.

    I know it is hard because you don't want to push your child away from you. She is your baby and you love her. I have been there. This was around the hardest age with my difficult child. He hated me. I could say nothing to him that he did not consider abusive, not even "Hi" or "Good Morning". It really was that bad. Sometimes it is helpful if you have a family member that the child can live with for a while. We had to send my son to live with my parents when he was 14. He was so violent we were afraid someone would end up dead and another person would end up in prison. Oddly, he never got that violent with my parents, though they did see more violence than they had any clue they would see from him. Fast forward to now, and he turned 26 yesterday, and he is an absolute delight. We have a wonderful relationship, all of us. He is a great son, and brother and grandson. I would not have ever expected it from his behavior when he was your daughter's age. So there is hope.

    Test her for drugs. Even if the first test is negative, test her a few times. Be aware there are some drugs out there that don't show up on tests, but get the most comprehensive test you can find anyway. I would especially test her on a Sunday morning or a Saturday morning. I would also have a police officer come over and breathalyze her if you have even the tiniest hint of a suspicion she has been drinking. Substance abuse starts earlier and earlier. It is easy to find a lot of drugs in many schools, especially high schools. If your daughter tests negative and you are confident the tests are correct, then be glad. You will still have some kind of problem with your daughter, but you won't have that one. It is a problem that is truly horrendous, and I pray you don't have it. But it is definitely one you need to test for.

    I am sorry she is trying to have a child. Has she ever been a babysitter for an infant? Spent any time with a child with colic? Learned all of the unpleasant things that go along with being pregnant? Back when my young cousin was 14, we were very worried she would have a child. She was enchanted with my daughter, who was just old enough to be all cute and adorable and interesting, but not mobile and into everything. My cousin had several friends from a rough part of town who had gotten pregnant. She was NOT from that part of town, she was in private school and lived in a nice area, but we worried about that influence on her. I took my cousin out and told her all about the most unpleasant and disgusting parts of pregnancy and childbirth. From belching and farting to your belly button popping out, hemorrhoids, and so many other gross things. Then I let her change a messy diaper after feeding my daughter something I knew would give her particularly foul toxic waste in her diaper. I also described some particularly scary and painful complications that I had after delivering my oldest child, things that impacted my life until the doctor who delivered my daughter did surgery to correct them. It was a singularly horribly complication to describe and it shocked her.

    All of this worked. My cousin became a wonderful mother at the age of 26, when she was mature enough to handle the responsibility. If it will help, I can send you a private message with the description of that complication and what they had to do to correct it. I wouldn't type it on the open forum because it would upset people. If I made it so it didn't upset people, it wouldn't have an impact on your daughter because she wouldn't understand what I was saying. It might be better if you know someone she likes and respects who has kids and had a difficult pregnancy and/or delivery. If they would describe the less pleasant parts of those experiences to your daughter, it might make her not want to be pregnant.
     
  8. PiscesMom

    PiscesMom Active Member

    You could get her one of those Baby Think It Over dolls, maybe. I don't think a lot of our kids respond to logic and lectures.
     
  9. MomOfGirls

    MomOfGirls New Member

    Thank you so much everyone for responding so far. I find it helpful that there are some of the same experiences, that others are thinking the some of the same things I have been and even that there's additional ideas that I may not have thought about. If there's one thing I do understand now for a situation like this is that your mind doesn't always think too straight. I have always prided myself on being able to think things through and formulate a plan, etc and I find myself this past few weeks barely being able to think past the next 5 minutes. Anyway, I can give you more updates and answer some of the questions.

    Littleboylost - we have done a small bit of research on some placement programs. There is one that is fairly close to where we live. I haven't gotten much further than that, but I can say that if it doesn't appear that we (husband and I) can start to get this under control we wouldn't be opposed to this route. I agree with you about it keeping the boyfriend at bay and it's safer than any other option.

    KTMom/ CrazyInVa - She is old enough to refuse medical treatment, but I don't know if she knows that. I guess I never really gave it a second thought that she would because although it was nothing like this situation, I went thought the teen having sex with daughter 2 when she was 16 and it was more like a no-brainer for her to accept the birth control. I took her to the ob-gyn for an exam (which freaked her out) and an awesome lesson, including graphics, about the person you sleep with and how many other people that means you've 'slept' with. That slowed her roll quite a bit. So when this happened with #3, from the birth control perspective I didn't really think it would be any different and I did let them know when I made the appointment that they can give her the full work up. Discovering that she was trying to get pregnant threw a wrench in that. Some of the events since my initial posting, which I will get to, have hopefully helped my case in her agreeing to this. Of course this is all pending on if she is pregnant or not :(

    susiestar - thank you for your input. As much as I hate to think/admit that she might be doing something, I realize it's naive to think that there's no chance. I have searched her room/closet/bathroom, but not extensively. The bathroom probably the best because I cleaned it from top to bottom. I suppose that is something that needs to be done and will definitely work on a strategy for getting that done. The drug test too - makes perfect sense. Again, per my earlier statement, my mind seems one-track in this situation. This pregnancy thing has been my only focus. Oh and she has had experience babysitting infants. Not extensively but she's watched a 2yr old and a 4mo old multiple times. Of course I realize that's probably just enough to glamorize it.

    A lot has happened since my post. Some good some bad. We got in touch with boyfriend's dad. It was a decent conversation. Some key things that came out of it. He had said that #3 could stay there, but the reason he said that was because his son had told them that we had kicked #3 out of the house and she was on the streets. He was also unaware of the ploy to have a baby and had not agreed that he would help them with things when it happened (the whole plan was boyfriend's dad said she could live there and would help them with everything etc etc). There was also a discovery on his side of a situation were the boyfriend had gotten in some kind of fight with someone in the family and showed up one day at our house with some strangle marks on his neck. He had told us this was his step-mom and #3 had told my husband and I that the step-mom was no longer in the picture because of that (as this was one of our concerns to #3 when she was laying out her whole plan to us). None of this was true. What came out of that conversation was that we agreed with the dad that we should all meet and get everything out on the table with these two and try to stop all of this. We agreed and scheduled this for this coming Sunday. So as I had predicted after seeing the chat conversations that I've seen and piecing things together it is obvious lies are flowing back and forth like water. I am not absolving my daughter of any blame because she has been lying to us and him too, but I fully believe that this boy is a manipulator and this baby idea all being made the romantic notion by this kid as a way to trap her and not let her leave him. After the call we sat down with #3 and asked her some questions about what she knew about boyfriend's family and again how things would be if this moving out were all to come to fruition. Our thought is to have these answers with us to take to the meeting and then we will put them both on the spot in front of all of the parents. After that we gave #3 a summary of the call with dad, the two main points being why he said that she could move there and the realization that he was not aware of baby plans and did not agree to help them out. So essentially, all of the plans she and boyfriend had were not there and that boyfriend had lied to her. We told her about the meeting sunday and told her flat out that after that - if there was any agreement on letting the two of them see each other again that it was going to be with rules and our way not their way etc etc. (Now the hopes is that this won't happen, but for the moment we chose this approach to hopefully keep #3's emotions in check). We also told her how we feel about what he's trying to do with manipulation. We were careful to not downplay the fact that we don't deny they care for each other (we know they feel they do) but tried to show her the plans to move out and have a baby and everything would be great, etc that he was trying to trap her and he's very convincing. She wasn't overly emotional, but she was visibly irritated about this. Told us she was confused (I would be too) and that she wanted to talk to him before Sunday to get some answers because she wasn't sure Sunday would even need to happen. We agreed. She also apologized to us for some of the things she had been saying (maybe realizing she doesn't have a place to go kicked in real quick). Well then the "fun" started to happen.

    She broke up with him. First thing he said - he's been honest with her from the start. This is us (my husband and I) lying to her and him and trying to keep them apart. Then he started threatening suicide. This scared #3 and she lost it telling us she didn't want him doing it and it be her fault. We tried to assure her that we didn't feel that he was serious and he's trying to manipulate her because she wouldn't talk to him more, but of course we also told her that we would take it seriously and we notified his dad and husband started to text with the kid. We got #3 calmed down and realizing that he was talking to my husband and if he was doing that then he wasn't as serious as he was trying to make it out. We got her in bed and then continued this back and forth with the kid for almost an hour. This text conversation was nothing more than him trying to manipulate us into letting him speak with #3 for "just one minute"... ultimately ending in him finally saying he wasn't thinking or planning anything. Yesterday - #3 appeared to be ok. A little reserved, but talking to us. She went over to her sisters at one point in the afternoon and left her phone. I checked it and saw that they had messaged a couple of times (he's blocked from calling or texting but is on her snapchat). She didn't say much, he was trying to tell her again that this was all our fault (me and husband) for trying to keep them apart and that on Sunday she needed to stand up for herself and tell us why she wanted to leave and he would jump in and support her etc etc. Also told her to let him know when she read it and he would screen shot it and delete it because then if we read her messages again we wouldn't see it.... the kid just does not stop. After dinner, she started taking down her pictures of him. I checked on her again and told her that she needs to block him and if she can't then I will shut down her snapchat completely and she can't talk to her friends either. She said that she didn't want the Sunday meeting to happen. I told her we need to just give that a couple of days and we can decide that day. (I don't mind if it doesn't happen but I also think it will be good for her to do this - to see in person that his dad did not agree to this, feels the same as me and my husband do, and that boyfriend is lying and also to even be faced with the lies she told). I don't know what happened, my guess is she had to say one more thing to him before blocking him (I chalk this up to just being an immature teen) and next thing you know she calls us in. he sent her a picture of him holding a shotgun pointed underneath his chin. And for good measure he was wearing one of her sweatshirts. W.T.F. We had her send us the picture and we sent it to his dad. Husband also called the kid. Against what he would have like to have said to the kid, he did try to talk to him, explain to him our take about this relationship, show understanding that he seems to be having a hard time. Husband offered to get him some help - told the kid he could call him if he needed. Kid tried this time throughout this conversation to tell us again (no disrespect of course) that #3 was the only one keeping him from doing this and now it's our fault that she can't because we won't let her speak to him right then. So just almost as quick as it started, the conversation was over. I'm sure the kid was just trying to get to #3. I think she realized this too because she wasn't nearly as distraught as she was the night before. His dad never replied back to us so who knows what happened on that end. Sadly, on a side note, apparently boyfriend lives with his mom most of the time and things are not going well there (partly because of him staying out all night and skipping school as I understand it) and the dad tried to bring the mom into this when we had the phone call so she would be on the same page and she wants nothing to do with it.

    SOOO - it's a new day again and we shall see what this brings. The kid is blocked on all accounts (well I have to keep tabs on the snap chat but she knows after last night that when I ask she has to show me and it will take me all of 2 minutes to lock her out the whole app). We have an OP to keep him of of our property (we put that in place right after the discovery he's been sneaking in). We will see how the next couple of days go and then determine if we have this meeting on Sunday. Of course there's still this pregnancy option looming. I will also move forward on planning some searching and doing this drug testing. Thank you all for listening to the saga. Sorry it's so long, but it is helpful to be able to tell the whole story to someone and know that I won't be judged.
     
  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I take that as a win! We had a similar situation with our teenage daughter. She also had a boyfriend from hell. We tried to keep them apart. We even had a court order that they she should have no contact for six months. But that didn't stop them from sneaking around. At age 14 she snuck out of the house at night and we called the police and she was found at his house where he lived with his mom and siblings.

    This will often on from most two years. She was leaving school to be with him and I was able to hack his Facebook account. When I saw the messages about where to meet him at school and he was going to drive by and pick her up I turned it into his probation officer.

    Even after all this she still wanted to be with him and so we said we would have to sit down and have a talk. He did show up for the talk our guidelines were they can see each other our house at his moms House if she was home. For things like a movie or school football game. He didn't drive so that made it a little bit easier.

    Well after them getting permission to hang out...in less than one week he left her for previous girlfriend who thought she was pregnant with his baby.

    I think she is finally over him...but he was such a manipulater... Spent all her money from her part time job, and got her started in drugs.

    Good luck...sorry you are going thru all this. I know how much it hurts.

    Ksm
     
  11. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Was he an adult that it was possible because if not it seems possible for OP's daughter as an suggestion also. Its very hard to give an suggestion here because both are kids below the age on consent nothing can really work if they do not want to break up.