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17 year old ruining our lives
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<blockquote data-quote="katya02" data-source="post: 372283" data-attributes="member: 2884"><p>Hi Cindy,</p><p>You're really in a tough situation. I live in PA now but come from Canada; we went back to Canada for two years in 2003-2005, and I know things work very differently there than they do here. I understand your feelings of helplessness and the lack of help from 'the system'. Not that 'the system' is perfect in PA, lol! But we have had more access to support here than we did in Ontario. </p><p></p><p>I think your first priority has to be to protect your family and yourself. Your difficult child has shown that she will rob you, be violent, use you, and do whatever harm it takes to get what she wants. Your younger child is feeling the effect of that, and as you say, has watched all these years that difficult child gets away with just about everything. </p><p></p><p>I imagine you've gotten legal advice about whether and when you can evict your difficult child? If not, I would run to the nearest reliable source. It may be that you don't have to wait until she's 18 to tell her to leave. If your difficult child leaves, can you change the locks, put her things in storage or on the sidewalk, and make it clear that she no longer lives with you? It sounds harsh but her treatment of you and your family is literally criminal. If you can change the locks once she's gone, that may be one approach. (And when she damages the house trying to get back in, have her arrested. Even if she doesn't stay in jail it gives her a record; enough arrests and she'll eventually be given some legal consequences.) </p><p></p><p>If you truly can't get her out, can't emancipate her or change the locks, then I would take away every single item you provide to her - cell phones, iPods, every electronic device of any kind; discontinue services and sell the small electronics; strip her room to a bare mattress and a lightbulb; offer clothing of your choice and only enough so that she has an outfit to wear while the other one is in the laundry. I'm not joking. If she gets violent over it (be prepared), call police. You aren't obligated to provide her with expensive clothing, jewelry, makeup, and electronics; if your local law says you MUST keep her at home, you only have to provide necessities. Food doesn't have to be delicious, it just has to be food. You will have to lock up absolutely everything of value that you possess, and never let your wallet/credit cards/ID leave your person. Even at night. You'll have to buy a lock box and chain it to something immovable in your bedroom and lock your wallet in it while you sleep. You'll need to change the locks and NOT let your difficult child near a key, as she'll get one copied or steal one. Chances are she'll invite some of the friends she treated with your credit card to come and clean out your house. You need not provide your difficult child with transportation or entertainment. You need provide NOTHING except the most basic necessities - until she starts to play by your rules. You may want to draw up a contract that specifies those rules, and the consequences for breaking them. </p><p></p><p>I would strongly suggest getting a family counselor to guide and support you through this. You need to be prepared for your difficult child to challenge and push back, hard. She's had it all her way for years and she won't give up easily. On the other hand, when she sees that you aren't going to argue or talk endlessly, that you are just going to ACT, and that your actions speak for you, she will respect that. She won't like it, but she'll take it seriously. She may decide your home is intolerable and move out; that will be her decision and at least you'll have some peace. </p><p></p><p>I think it's critical for your younger child that you provide some protection against your older difficult child's devastation of the family. Perhaps you can work with a social worker on behalf of your younger child, to get difficult child out of the house or mandated to a juvenile program. I hope you'll be able to find some support somewhere. </p><p></p><p>Again, I would consult a lawyer and find out if there's any way your difficult child can be charged with the thefts she's committed, and if you can legally emancipate her or enroll her in a treatment center. Best wishes, good luck, and let us know what you find out.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="katya02, post: 372283, member: 2884"] Hi Cindy, You're really in a tough situation. I live in PA now but come from Canada; we went back to Canada for two years in 2003-2005, and I know things work very differently there than they do here. I understand your feelings of helplessness and the lack of help from 'the system'. Not that 'the system' is perfect in PA, lol! But we have had more access to support here than we did in Ontario. I think your first priority has to be to protect your family and yourself. Your difficult child has shown that she will rob you, be violent, use you, and do whatever harm it takes to get what she wants. Your younger child is feeling the effect of that, and as you say, has watched all these years that difficult child gets away with just about everything. I imagine you've gotten legal advice about whether and when you can evict your difficult child? If not, I would run to the nearest reliable source. It may be that you don't have to wait until she's 18 to tell her to leave. If your difficult child leaves, can you change the locks, put her things in storage or on the sidewalk, and make it clear that she no longer lives with you? It sounds harsh but her treatment of you and your family is literally criminal. If you can change the locks once she's gone, that may be one approach. (And when she damages the house trying to get back in, have her arrested. Even if she doesn't stay in jail it gives her a record; enough arrests and she'll eventually be given some legal consequences.) If you truly can't get her out, can't emancipate her or change the locks, then I would take away every single item you provide to her - cell phones, iPods, every electronic device of any kind; discontinue services and sell the small electronics; strip her room to a bare mattress and a lightbulb; offer clothing of your choice and only enough so that she has an outfit to wear while the other one is in the laundry. I'm not joking. If she gets violent over it (be prepared), call police. You aren't obligated to provide her with expensive clothing, jewelry, makeup, and electronics; if your local law says you MUST keep her at home, you only have to provide necessities. Food doesn't have to be delicious, it just has to be food. You will have to lock up absolutely everything of value that you possess, and never let your wallet/credit cards/ID leave your person. Even at night. You'll have to buy a lock box and chain it to something immovable in your bedroom and lock your wallet in it while you sleep. You'll need to change the locks and NOT let your difficult child near a key, as she'll get one copied or steal one. Chances are she'll invite some of the friends she treated with your credit card to come and clean out your house. You need not provide your difficult child with transportation or entertainment. You need provide NOTHING except the most basic necessities - until she starts to play by your rules. You may want to draw up a contract that specifies those rules, and the consequences for breaking them. I would strongly suggest getting a family counselor to guide and support you through this. You need to be prepared for your difficult child to challenge and push back, hard. She's had it all her way for years and she won't give up easily. On the other hand, when she sees that you aren't going to argue or talk endlessly, that you are just going to ACT, and that your actions speak for you, she will respect that. She won't like it, but she'll take it seriously. She may decide your home is intolerable and move out; that will be her decision and at least you'll have some peace. I think it's critical for your younger child that you provide some protection against your older difficult child's devastation of the family. Perhaps you can work with a social worker on behalf of your younger child, to get difficult child out of the house or mandated to a juvenile program. I hope you'll be able to find some support somewhere. Again, I would consult a lawyer and find out if there's any way your difficult child can be charged with the thefts she's committed, and if you can legally emancipate her or enroll her in a treatment center. Best wishes, good luck, and let us know what you find out. [/QUOTE]
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