19 yr old stealing constantly

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by jrjr43, Nov 19, 2010.

  1. jrjr43

    jrjr43 Guest

    Hi everyone. I am at my wits end. My 19yr old daughter has just moved in with me and my 2nd wife. She has lived with her mother from birth to about 4 months ago. She was suspected of stealing all her mom's jewelry and her late grandmother's jewelry. He basically moved out of her mom's one day and stayed with her boyfriend. Since I hadn't heard from her I pressed her on her college, which she isn't enrolled in, well being etc. She then gave me some BS story and asked if she could stay with me for a week or so. I knew immediately it would be longer. She has been found out she stole money from my wallet, searched thru drawers and stole money from my wife. When this was found out I told her the money better be paid back. Well she doesn't work and swore it wasn't her it must have been a friend. I threatened to throw her out, even went as far as told her to leave but caught up to her 2 blocks away. Now i have found out she took a debit card I have for my mom and charged stuff on there. She denies it but I have proof. I am totally broken hearted and have no clue what to do. Does anyone have any sound advice to guide me in the right direction?
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know this is difficult, but I really think you ought to consider contacting the police about the thefts. It's also really important that you be prepared to follow through on threats to throw her out, because honestly, you lose credibility by catching up to her 2 blocks away and letting her come back. In the meantime, I suggest you lock up your valuables if you choose to let her stay in your home.

    Sometimes our difficult children need stiff consequences for their actions, in order to be spurred to change their behavior. It's never easy as a parent to turn in your own child, but I really don't think we do them any favors by excusing illegal behavior in our homes.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I know it can be really hard to let the chips fall where they may.........even with grown kids, but sometimes it's the only way they can learn. If you weren't family, you'd have already pressed charges. You wouldn't let her back into your home. Natural consequences can be major life lessons that get through to a child when we can't. (you know the whole we're just their parents thing, what on earth do we know phht)

    I'm guessing since she denies stealing the money she's giving you no reasons for the behavior. Any suspicion of drug/alcohol use? Stealing family jewelry sort of makes that pop into your head........

    I could not let a grown child stay with me who steals from me. I just couldn't do it. It would drive me crazy. Lying and stealing are 2 things I simply can NOT tolerate. So even if I couldn't bring myself to press charges (that's figuratively because I would press charges) I most certainly wouldn't have them staying in my house.

  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Call the police and report the theft. press charges. she is an adult, this is an adult issue and needs to be handled appropriately, with adult consequences big enough to keep her from doing it again. This is all her choice, and all on her. For anyone else you would already have called the police. Put locks on the doors of all rooms she is not to go in, and use them always..
  5. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    yes indeed you should contact the police. This isn't her first theft and it won't be her last if she continues to get away with it. Be strong you do her no favors by allowing bad behavior to continue. If she is on drugs she will get sober after a couple of weeks in jail. Fact is she is a crimminal wheather you want to think of her that way or not. -RM
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I hate to say it because I know how much it hurts. Call the police, report the theft, and kick her out of your house. You aren't ever seeing any of that money again.
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hopefully, you have locked up any other valueables at this time.

    I guess calling the police is one way of her getting to see what happens when you steal. When she goes from stealing from family to strangers - there will be no protecting her then.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I think that with someone who is stealing this much from family it's probably not a stretch to assume that she is stealing elsewhere as well. Better the police are called by you than by someone else. A Judge will probably give her more options if this is assumed to be a "family matter" than a stranger on stranger crime, or worse yet, a "took advantage of a Good Samaritan" crime.
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My probably good guess is that she is stealing because she's on drugs. They sort of go together. Drugs aren't cheap and all druggie kids steal from you. Their morals go down the toilet to the drugs. Do you feel this is a possibility? I would not let her stay with me. Whatever is going on with her, she needs to straighten her life out...be it drugs and stealing or stealing for other reasons (I still think it's drugs). She may have had a horrific life with your ex, but, at her age, if she doesn't want help, she isn't going to accept it.
  10. Bean

    Bean Member

    Kick 'em out. Period.

    Easier said than done. But having lived through it myself, you are left no choice. If you have them continue on staying there, you're sending the wrong message regarding theft, boundaries and acceptable behavior AND, you're setting yourself up for more heartbreak.

    I caught my daughter stealing from us, and she was out immediately. Not one more night, not an hour, not a day. Out. I didn't call the police because she's already been in jail and I didn't see it as a helpful thing for her. She might end up getting caught up with the system eventually again if she can't keep her hands out of other people's stuff. But, I felt like kicking her out was enough for me at the time.