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20 year old daughter, etc.
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<blockquote data-quote="Andy" data-source="post: 369370" data-attributes="member: 5096"><p>Your daughter does not think she has a problem because all her basic needs of food, clothing, shelter are being met. She has no responisibilities to work on to grow up. She feels well taken care of and doesn't get the fact that "adults" are suppose to leave home and start their own lives.</p><p> </p><p>I would tell her that it is time for her to move on with her life, that being an "adult" she needs to find her own place to live. This is her first step to being independent. </p><p> </p><p>Moving out of your parent's home should be just as exciting as it is scary. Give her lots of pep talks that you KNOW that she will enjoy life on her own. That her decisions must be her own (not controlling boyfriend's or anyone else's). That you are there to help her by supplying input on different sides of a decision (you can point out good and bad and the consequences of each) but that when she is on her own, you will honor the choice she makes as her choice - good or bad. One consequence of a bad choice will be that you will not bail her out of a bad situation especially if you had pointed out that bad choice to her.</p><p> </p><p>If she is willing to spend time with you and her mom in apartment hunting, that would be good quality time spent together. Show excitement over a place of her own talking about which furniture she can take with, bargain shopping for what she will need, setting up a budget, ect.</p><p> </p><p>I know it is scary for her mom. My 20 yr old is moving out to college next month and I know she will be homesick for awhile in a town 2 hours away and not really knowing anyone. Scary but exciting as she will grow from this experience and gain a next level of confidence as she faces life's struggles on her own. She will call home for advise but may not follow it. I am just super excited that she will not be available to spend times with her "friends" as much (she plans on being home on weekends and that is normal).</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes I am so tired of giving Diva advise only to have it thrown back in my face with an "You are so stupid" message attached that I feel like throwing in the towel. I recently discovered that even though she threw one of my advises back at me in this manner that she really did listen to the message and admitted to a friend that my words opened her eyes to what she wanted in life.</p><p></p><p>I try very hard not to tell my kids what they need to do, but to guide them in looking at themselves and deciding for themselves what they want in life. I don't care if they don't get high paying jobs to be super comfortable, as long as they are happy with who they are and what they do is fine with me as long as it pays the bills.</p><p> </p><p>I have learned that just because you are good at something doesn't mean that something will make you happy. I guided Diva to try to be a speech teacher because she is so good with kids and has a special talent in the world of speech but she wants to be a photographer so I am letting her go for that.</p><p> </p><p>I hope you are able to convey to your wife your feelings on this and that you both can work as a team for what is best for your daughter. Once you are on the same page of what you believe is best for her, it will be somewhat easier to make a plan and follow through with it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Andy, post: 369370, member: 5096"] Your daughter does not think she has a problem because all her basic needs of food, clothing, shelter are being met. She has no responisibilities to work on to grow up. She feels well taken care of and doesn't get the fact that "adults" are suppose to leave home and start their own lives. I would tell her that it is time for her to move on with her life, that being an "adult" she needs to find her own place to live. This is her first step to being independent. Moving out of your parent's home should be just as exciting as it is scary. Give her lots of pep talks that you KNOW that she will enjoy life on her own. That her decisions must be her own (not controlling boyfriend's or anyone else's). That you are there to help her by supplying input on different sides of a decision (you can point out good and bad and the consequences of each) but that when she is on her own, you will honor the choice she makes as her choice - good or bad. One consequence of a bad choice will be that you will not bail her out of a bad situation especially if you had pointed out that bad choice to her. If she is willing to spend time with you and her mom in apartment hunting, that would be good quality time spent together. Show excitement over a place of her own talking about which furniture she can take with, bargain shopping for what she will need, setting up a budget, ect. I know it is scary for her mom. My 20 yr old is moving out to college next month and I know she will be homesick for awhile in a town 2 hours away and not really knowing anyone. Scary but exciting as she will grow from this experience and gain a next level of confidence as she faces life's struggles on her own. She will call home for advise but may not follow it. I am just super excited that she will not be available to spend times with her "friends" as much (she plans on being home on weekends and that is normal). Sometimes I am so tired of giving Diva advise only to have it thrown back in my face with an "You are so stupid" message attached that I feel like throwing in the towel. I recently discovered that even though she threw one of my advises back at me in this manner that she really did listen to the message and admitted to a friend that my words opened her eyes to what she wanted in life. I try very hard not to tell my kids what they need to do, but to guide them in looking at themselves and deciding for themselves what they want in life. I don't care if they don't get high paying jobs to be super comfortable, as long as they are happy with who they are and what they do is fine with me as long as it pays the bills. I have learned that just because you are good at something doesn't mean that something will make you happy. I guided Diva to try to be a speech teacher because she is so good with kids and has a special talent in the world of speech but she wants to be a photographer so I am letting her go for that. I hope you are able to convey to your wife your feelings on this and that you both can work as a team for what is best for your daughter. Once you are on the same page of what you believe is best for her, it will be somewhat easier to make a plan and follow through with it. [/QUOTE]
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