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34 year old son is killing my soul
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<blockquote data-quote="beebz" data-source="post: 753262" data-attributes="member: 23451"><p>Sooo, welllll, ummmmm, yeah. Just plain ole feeling down and out. Every weekend I share my granddaughters with the other grand.ma.ma and every holiday and otherwise day off of school etc. Lately I have been letting Daddy/their father/my son visit with them throughout the weekend. Its for the girls. Sunday night I drop everyone back off . I cannot drop my son off anymore because I become hysterical sobbing groaning praying- and it lasts for several days. I now have my husband drop him off, into nothingness, on a corner, in a park, with no winter clothing, no undergarments. In the past when I drove away, I could not look in the rear view mirror but I would feel this huge hole open up in my back that was a horrific feeling of dread on how I could do this to another human let alone my own son; especially in the winter cold. Its no wonder I don't get pulled over for my loud sobbing and flooding tears. Then for the next 3 days I cry at the drop of a hat. So, I don't do it anymore.</p><p>This past weekend I took the kids back to the other grannies, hubby dropped off our son and we met at home. Hubby then went out of town and I have been in my recliner since Sunday eve. I don't want to move. I recover I guess, from the weekend whirlwind - but am overwhelmed with grief and a bundle of nerves. The girls have lice, again, and I think my son was high when he was here. His visits usually go well for the most part. But then again, who am I fooling other than myself. Thing is, I don't know. I don't know anything for sure other than he is still homeless, still not a mature man, a working man or a provider for his girls. </p><p>I must say, right now I feel like I am rambling and going in circles. I also feel like my head is moving with lice. I've been checked 8x's and nothing is found ever, but this is just one more thing I don't need.</p><p>COPABANANA - I also dropped my Boxer off at the dog academy Sunday for stage one in training. I cannot believe how bad I miss him right now. I still have another doggie and a kitty here with me right now; but mercy me - I miss my boxer so bad - like the detachment is killing me. I am actually rather surprised that I feel this way. He is a very brilliant dog who goes by hand signals on many commands, but in public, when we arrive at a park, he exits the vehicle barking non-stop and acting like he will kill everything and anything in sight. Its almost like he is hallucinating. After the initial freak out session - he does fine with every other dog, cat and human. But the exit and arrival of anything or anyone takes him 30 minutes to settle down. During that 30 minutes he appears to be a rabid dangerous animal. Those habits are why he is in training right now.</p><p>My homeless son did 10 days in jail recently and supposedly that woke him up. I don't know if he made any progress since then and I can't ask anymore because I can't handle it. Progress would be identification, license, apartment, well of course a job, sobriety, drug testing etc. I'll believe it when I see it. He did say to me that he expects to have his girls under a roof with him by Dec 1 of this year. I can only pray to God that this happens.</p><p>We have agreed to let him come here on weekends for the sake of the girls; my husband doesn't agree but thats just the way it is. Even though my son knows he can come here, he texts me on a friday to make sure I have the girls. I keep re-reading the text over and over, he talks so sweet and lovingly . Last Fridays text said "hi momma. Girls? This weekend? Whats the word? Am I allowed to attend? Just let me know something". Another text earlier in the week which was very long; he goes to the library and uses a computer as a phone/text/message and there were several long messages but one part of one of them said "I can't believe what I have done. I am everything that I swore I would never be. How did this happen? I think about them every minute. I can't function. I can't believe how much time has went by. How could this happen? What have I become"? </p><p>Yep, I just encourage him to succeed this time. Thats all I can do. Sometimes our conversations go nowhere because I can't handle it, the talking, the thinking, the repeating. I said to him in a text, "I can't handle this" to which he replied "you should be in my shoes" - those last two statements cannot even be a conversation, it'll just go round and round and round. My health nerves heart and emotions have suffered. This is not about me, but then again, it is, it affects all of us. I don't want to say "me me me me" when I am with my son, and NO, I cannot imagine being in his shoes; I wish it was as easy as just saying, STOP, stop hurting me and your daughters.</p><p></p><p>The wife is still missing. This is the longest no one has seen her. She manages to shack up with men, any men or man. Just sickening. Her daughters don't even ask about her, ever. </p><p>I sure hope my sons thoughts come to fruition and they're not just pipe dreams. They are in fact hopes and dream; but the hopes and dreams of an addict are the most difficult things in the world to attain. </p><p></p><p>Believe it or not, past Saturday I went to the park, hiked trails up and down with our new artisan walking sticks. It was dang cold but the body felt good to get the blood flowing. I saw an awesome climbing tree and got the girls up in it for great photos, and a nice lake breeze came in steady enough for me to get two kites up at the same time. I like teaching my granddaughters all the things I did growing up in the 60's. Outdoors, physical activity, no gadgets, no phones, no tablets, just our arms and legs, trees, woods, hills, bicycles, skinned knees. We were arriving at the lake, the same lake we've been to a hundred times, and I guess due to the leaves being mostly blown off, I yelled with excitement, "oh wow !!!! Look at that good climbing tree" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The kids were thrilled and so was I. </p><p></p><p>Well, thats all folks.</p><p>Be well - ~beebz</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="beebz, post: 753262, member: 23451"] Sooo, welllll, ummmmm, yeah. Just plain ole feeling down and out. Every weekend I share my granddaughters with the other grand.ma.ma and every holiday and otherwise day off of school etc. Lately I have been letting Daddy/their father/my son visit with them throughout the weekend. Its for the girls. Sunday night I drop everyone back off . I cannot drop my son off anymore because I become hysterical sobbing groaning praying- and it lasts for several days. I now have my husband drop him off, into nothingness, on a corner, in a park, with no winter clothing, no undergarments. In the past when I drove away, I could not look in the rear view mirror but I would feel this huge hole open up in my back that was a horrific feeling of dread on how I could do this to another human let alone my own son; especially in the winter cold. Its no wonder I don't get pulled over for my loud sobbing and flooding tears. Then for the next 3 days I cry at the drop of a hat. So, I don't do it anymore. This past weekend I took the kids back to the other grannies, hubby dropped off our son and we met at home. Hubby then went out of town and I have been in my recliner since Sunday eve. I don't want to move. I recover I guess, from the weekend whirlwind - but am overwhelmed with grief and a bundle of nerves. The girls have lice, again, and I think my son was high when he was here. His visits usually go well for the most part. But then again, who am I fooling other than myself. Thing is, I don't know. I don't know anything for sure other than he is still homeless, still not a mature man, a working man or a provider for his girls. I must say, right now I feel like I am rambling and going in circles. I also feel like my head is moving with lice. I've been checked 8x's and nothing is found ever, but this is just one more thing I don't need. COPABANANA - I also dropped my Boxer off at the dog academy Sunday for stage one in training. I cannot believe how bad I miss him right now. I still have another doggie and a kitty here with me right now; but mercy me - I miss my boxer so bad - like the detachment is killing me. I am actually rather surprised that I feel this way. He is a very brilliant dog who goes by hand signals on many commands, but in public, when we arrive at a park, he exits the vehicle barking non-stop and acting like he will kill everything and anything in sight. Its almost like he is hallucinating. After the initial freak out session - he does fine with every other dog, cat and human. But the exit and arrival of anything or anyone takes him 30 minutes to settle down. During that 30 minutes he appears to be a rabid dangerous animal. Those habits are why he is in training right now. My homeless son did 10 days in jail recently and supposedly that woke him up. I don't know if he made any progress since then and I can't ask anymore because I can't handle it. Progress would be identification, license, apartment, well of course a job, sobriety, drug testing etc. I'll believe it when I see it. He did say to me that he expects to have his girls under a roof with him by Dec 1 of this year. I can only pray to God that this happens. We have agreed to let him come here on weekends for the sake of the girls; my husband doesn't agree but thats just the way it is. Even though my son knows he can come here, he texts me on a friday to make sure I have the girls. I keep re-reading the text over and over, he talks so sweet and lovingly . Last Fridays text said "hi momma. Girls? This weekend? Whats the word? Am I allowed to attend? Just let me know something". Another text earlier in the week which was very long; he goes to the library and uses a computer as a phone/text/message and there were several long messages but one part of one of them said "I can't believe what I have done. I am everything that I swore I would never be. How did this happen? I think about them every minute. I can't function. I can't believe how much time has went by. How could this happen? What have I become"? Yep, I just encourage him to succeed this time. Thats all I can do. Sometimes our conversations go nowhere because I can't handle it, the talking, the thinking, the repeating. I said to him in a text, "I can't handle this" to which he replied "you should be in my shoes" - those last two statements cannot even be a conversation, it'll just go round and round and round. My health nerves heart and emotions have suffered. This is not about me, but then again, it is, it affects all of us. I don't want to say "me me me me" when I am with my son, and NO, I cannot imagine being in his shoes; I wish it was as easy as just saying, STOP, stop hurting me and your daughters. The wife is still missing. This is the longest no one has seen her. She manages to shack up with men, any men or man. Just sickening. Her daughters don't even ask about her, ever. I sure hope my sons thoughts come to fruition and they're not just pipe dreams. They are in fact hopes and dream; but the hopes and dreams of an addict are the most difficult things in the world to attain. Believe it or not, past Saturday I went to the park, hiked trails up and down with our new artisan walking sticks. It was dang cold but the body felt good to get the blood flowing. I saw an awesome climbing tree and got the girls up in it for great photos, and a nice lake breeze came in steady enough for me to get two kites up at the same time. I like teaching my granddaughters all the things I did growing up in the 60's. Outdoors, physical activity, no gadgets, no phones, no tablets, just our arms and legs, trees, woods, hills, bicycles, skinned knees. We were arriving at the lake, the same lake we've been to a hundred times, and I guess due to the leaves being mostly blown off, I yelled with excitement, "oh wow !!!! Look at that good climbing tree" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The kids were thrilled and so was I. Well, thats all folks. Be well - ~beebz [/QUOTE]
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