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34 year old son is killing my soul
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<blockquote data-quote="beebz" data-source="post: 754180" data-attributes="member: 23451"><p>I thank each and every one of you for your kind words, encouragement, ideas and compassion to my struggle in this life.</p><p></p><p>I usually don't go back and re-read my threads, my posts, but I read the replies, so forgive me if I'm repeating myself. Funny thing is, for all of us who are suffering, this condition our adult kids have, tends to repeat itself; which lately, makes me look like I've lost it. I let that boy get in my head with stories and tall tales, excuses and the like of which I've never seen; let it consume me, fell for it/them; believed it; tried to help with some of the circumstances that were made up !!!!! OK, forgive me, I was going to pay someone to get their hands on a laptop that supposedly had some incriminating evidence on it as to why my son left one of his homes 3 or so years ago, blaming it on the owner to make me believe otherwise. ---when the truth was, my son and his wife were hard core addicts. Did I just make any sense? My son knew how to play me better than he could wipe his own hiney. </p><p></p><p>So, it may be a month but for sure two weekends that I have not let my son in my home to see his girls. The visits were doing more harm than good for their little souls and I did not see any change in the father.</p><p></p><p>A week or so ago, two weekends ago, before the weekend (lol) I got a call from a number I recognized, it was either the hospital or the police, their numbers are transposed. We all know what that means. I made a huge sigh, and continued doing what I was doing; I ignored it completely. I finally called the hospital and sure enough, my son had been released and wanted me to let him come here to rest. He had a non bacterial sinus issue and felt like he'd been hit in the face with a ball bat and I said NO ! ! ! </p><p>He said "thanksgiving"? I proceeded to tell him that *I* was sick in the head, I couldn't handle the last 20 years, I cant function lately, I don't want to see the light of day and I will probably go to a Golden Corral buffet for Thanksgiving because I feel like it ! !</p><p>He begged to come here and said "I won't bother anyone- just please mom, please" </p><p>It killed me, but I knew what I had to do. I said call *John and check in to rehab. If YOU are not on drugs then check in for mental illness because our shelters/centers allow that also. He begged, I said NO, you are killing me, you are killing me ! This is not what my life should be, you and your daughters, where we stand. He said *I know mom, I hurt too* - ugh</p><p></p><p>So, I won. I didn't win, but I made a big girl move and stuck to my NO.</p><p></p><p>The next weekend came and I waited for his 3:30 text. I don't wait for it per se, but I know its coming. Every single friday, 3:30 - "do you have the girls mom" and then we decide if he can come here and how he will get here etc. No text.</p><p></p><p>Next weekend, nothing.</p><p></p><p>So, I heard a rumor he is on a mattress in the woods. That kills my heartbeat. I open the door to let my pets out and see frost on my deck and cry. Imagine that thought and sight several times a day thinking of that human soul. It makes me the saddest I've ever been in my life. Even in death I've never been this sad.</p><p></p><p>I don't have my tree up yet for my granddaughters. I can't find the joy.</p><p>Two weekends ago the grands gave me and my hubby the flu. There goes a week in bed. The next weekend they are two little snot balls, talking nasally , having bad breath, complaining, looking ill; I thought - "nah", not this weekend. So the plan is for 5 days from today to get the tree up.</p><p></p><p>I've spent the last very many years of my life never ever thinking of myself. I don't need to think of myself. I get joy thinking and doing for others. It's simply natural. So, its hard to say to my son this last time that lately its all about ME. I replied to him that I was sick in the head, that I can't take anymore, that he changed my life in a horrific way, that I can barely take care of his children, and that I can't imagine being in his shoes nor should I have to ! -- I think that really got to him, for once I let it be all about me and a big "F U" to him basically. -- because I have not heard a peep from him since. I abandoned him in his release from the hospital and that must be freaking him out big time.</p><p></p><p>Course as the days go by, I just constantly think he's dead, but no no no. I succumb to looking at the papers/courts etc and see he got busted, again, for week and just a few days ago asked for a continuance. So, somehow he's moving on, and if he's cold, tuff crap.</p><p></p><p>There are a ton of resources available for him here. Maybe this time he'll turn his life around. </p><p></p><p>I'm having a hell of a time with my granddaughters. They get sick and allergies a LOT ! , and on top of that their aching souls of missing their mom and dad. It shows. We all seem like such a pitiful bunch lately.</p><p></p><p>Well folks, thank you for caring. I wish you well and I wish your ill children well. Drugs/addiction and homelessness is an illness. ~beebz</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="beebz, post: 754180, member: 23451"] I thank each and every one of you for your kind words, encouragement, ideas and compassion to my struggle in this life. I usually don't go back and re-read my threads, my posts, but I read the replies, so forgive me if I'm repeating myself. Funny thing is, for all of us who are suffering, this condition our adult kids have, tends to repeat itself; which lately, makes me look like I've lost it. I let that boy get in my head with stories and tall tales, excuses and the like of which I've never seen; let it consume me, fell for it/them; believed it; tried to help with some of the circumstances that were made up !!!!! OK, forgive me, I was going to pay someone to get their hands on a laptop that supposedly had some incriminating evidence on it as to why my son left one of his homes 3 or so years ago, blaming it on the owner to make me believe otherwise. ---when the truth was, my son and his wife were hard core addicts. Did I just make any sense? My son knew how to play me better than he could wipe his own hiney. So, it may be a month but for sure two weekends that I have not let my son in my home to see his girls. The visits were doing more harm than good for their little souls and I did not see any change in the father. A week or so ago, two weekends ago, before the weekend (lol) I got a call from a number I recognized, it was either the hospital or the police, their numbers are transposed. We all know what that means. I made a huge sigh, and continued doing what I was doing; I ignored it completely. I finally called the hospital and sure enough, my son had been released and wanted me to let him come here to rest. He had a non bacterial sinus issue and felt like he'd been hit in the face with a ball bat and I said NO ! ! ! He said "thanksgiving"? I proceeded to tell him that *I* was sick in the head, I couldn't handle the last 20 years, I cant function lately, I don't want to see the light of day and I will probably go to a Golden Corral buffet for Thanksgiving because I feel like it ! ! He begged to come here and said "I won't bother anyone- just please mom, please" It killed me, but I knew what I had to do. I said call *John and check in to rehab. If YOU are not on drugs then check in for mental illness because our shelters/centers allow that also. He begged, I said NO, you are killing me, you are killing me ! This is not what my life should be, you and your daughters, where we stand. He said *I know mom, I hurt too* - ugh So, I won. I didn't win, but I made a big girl move and stuck to my NO. The next weekend came and I waited for his 3:30 text. I don't wait for it per se, but I know its coming. Every single friday, 3:30 - "do you have the girls mom" and then we decide if he can come here and how he will get here etc. No text. Next weekend, nothing. So, I heard a rumor he is on a mattress in the woods. That kills my heartbeat. I open the door to let my pets out and see frost on my deck and cry. Imagine that thought and sight several times a day thinking of that human soul. It makes me the saddest I've ever been in my life. Even in death I've never been this sad. I don't have my tree up yet for my granddaughters. I can't find the joy. Two weekends ago the grands gave me and my hubby the flu. There goes a week in bed. The next weekend they are two little snot balls, talking nasally , having bad breath, complaining, looking ill; I thought - "nah", not this weekend. So the plan is for 5 days from today to get the tree up. I've spent the last very many years of my life never ever thinking of myself. I don't need to think of myself. I get joy thinking and doing for others. It's simply natural. So, its hard to say to my son this last time that lately its all about ME. I replied to him that I was sick in the head, that I can't take anymore, that he changed my life in a horrific way, that I can barely take care of his children, and that I can't imagine being in his shoes nor should I have to ! -- I think that really got to him, for once I let it be all about me and a big "F U" to him basically. -- because I have not heard a peep from him since. I abandoned him in his release from the hospital and that must be freaking him out big time. Course as the days go by, I just constantly think he's dead, but no no no. I succumb to looking at the papers/courts etc and see he got busted, again, for week and just a few days ago asked for a continuance. So, somehow he's moving on, and if he's cold, tuff crap. There are a ton of resources available for him here. Maybe this time he'll turn his life around. I'm having a hell of a time with my granddaughters. They get sick and allergies a LOT ! , and on top of that their aching souls of missing their mom and dad. It shows. We all seem like such a pitiful bunch lately. Well folks, thank you for caring. I wish you well and I wish your ill children well. Drugs/addiction and homelessness is an illness. ~beebz [/QUOTE]
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