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34 year old son is killing my soul
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 754208" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Beebz</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry how hellishly hard this is. I was writing to a friend, describing how my son had been sleeping on cardboard on a sidewalk behind Starbucks. Can you imagine that something like that has become my reality? My son is actually is living in a home I own. But is it an improvement? No. He's either incapable of changing or unwilling.</p><p></p><p>I deal with the illness stuff, too. He is back on his antivirals for Hep B. If I kick him out (yet again) he would likely stop the antivirals. There is risk then that the virus will boomerang.</p><p></p><p>People here know how many times I have a tried. I have never hit bottom. Yet. I can't get to that place where I accept his death, or that he will live forever homeless and vulnerable. I just can't accept that my life has gotten here. I can't yet separate my own life story from his.</p><p></p><p>The returns clerk at Costco, who I've known a long time, when I asked how she was, answered honestly: <em>There have been so many deaths in my family lately one after another but the one that has gotten to me in a way that I can't handle, is my granddaughter.</em> The woman is a bit older than me. Most likely her granddaughter was in her early twenties. I didn't ask the circumstances. Whatever it was I understood.</p><p></p><p>Honestly. I don't know how all of us were so stupid to become parents. Never, In my wildest dreams could it have turned out that my beautiful, sweet, beloved son could live this life, become this person. Yesterday he repeatedly used the word coxksucker to me angrily describing a pastor of all people, who runs a service project. A man who he does not know and who he has never met. The least of it is that nobody ever in my whole life has used that word in front of me. But most of all, what could be so terribly wrong with my son that he would degrade himself and his mother with such a word? Where is my bottom? Do I have one? I wonder.</p><p></p><p>Beebz. I don't mean to hijack your thread. I am sending love and compassion and understanding. I believe you're doing incredibly well in an impossibly heartbreaking turn of events. (I feel for your son, too. He sounds like he has a heart.) Take care.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 754208, member: 18958"] Dear Beebz I'm sorry how hellishly hard this is. I was writing to a friend, describing how my son had been sleeping on cardboard on a sidewalk behind Starbucks. Can you imagine that something like that has become my reality? My son is actually is living in a home I own. But is it an improvement? No. He's either incapable of changing or unwilling. I deal with the illness stuff, too. He is back on his antivirals for Hep B. If I kick him out (yet again) he would likely stop the antivirals. There is risk then that the virus will boomerang. People here know how many times I have a tried. I have never hit bottom. Yet. I can't get to that place where I accept his death, or that he will live forever homeless and vulnerable. I just can't accept that my life has gotten here. I can't yet separate my own life story from his. The returns clerk at Costco, who I've known a long time, when I asked how she was, answered honestly: [I]There have been so many deaths in my family lately one after another but the one that has gotten to me in a way that I can't handle, is my granddaughter.[/I] The woman is a bit older than me. Most likely her granddaughter was in her early twenties. I didn't ask the circumstances. Whatever it was I understood. Honestly. I don't know how all of us were so stupid to become parents. Never, In my wildest dreams could it have turned out that my beautiful, sweet, beloved son could live this life, become this person. Yesterday he repeatedly used the word coxksucker to me angrily describing a pastor of all people, who runs a service project. A man who he does not know and who he has never met. The least of it is that nobody ever in my whole life has used that word in front of me. But most of all, what could be so terribly wrong with my son that he would degrade himself and his mother with such a word? Where is my bottom? Do I have one? I wonder. Beebz. I don't mean to hijack your thread. I am sending love and compassion and understanding. I believe you're doing incredibly well in an impossibly heartbreaking turn of events. (I feel for your son, too. He sounds like he has a heart.) Take care. [/QUOTE]
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34 year old son is killing my soul
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