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Failure to Thrive
37-year old and parents in bad shape
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<blockquote data-quote="Lil" data-source="post: 700682" data-attributes="member: 17309"><p>Hello Jon and welcome. I'm so sorry you have been dealing with this for so many years. My son, age 21, has no diagnosed mental disorders (though I don't doubt he has some issues) but he was at the point where we were having him move out again. Yes, again. He was made to move out at 18, because he was stealing. We only allowed him back because he had lost his apartment due to a fire. Our requirement - #1 - was a job, full-time if possible. He was working until recently...when it all fell apart - I have a post on that on the parents emeritus board. We had other rules, which I admit, were at best being loosely adhered to, but for the most part, we wanted him to have that income so he could move out. We required him to pay us 1/2 his paycheck, or 100/week, whichever was less. There were times he paid more. We held that money until he had enough built up to pay deposits and rent, so he could move out.</p><p></p><p>Your son is rapidly approaching middle-age and works 6-10 hours per week, lives with his parents and blows what little money he has. What kind of life is that for a grown man? And he posts on Facebook that he "worked his butt off"? Really? He worked his butt off for a whole six hours? Forgive me, my sarcasm is showing.</p><p></p><p>At the risk of being hypocritical, because my husband would tell you I was bad about enabling where "frivolous" spending was happening, this stood out to me:</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Jon, in what world are fast food and cigarettes "essentials"? Do you really believe that? Don't you have food at home? I'm willing to bet you and your wife pick up special food at the grocery store for him; soda, pizza, stuff you wouldn't normally buy. I guess that because I did that for mine. As to smoking - and I'm a smoker, couldn't he quit, or at least cut down or buy really cheap smokes? He's only working 10 hours a week, why does he need to eat out at ALL? Why does he need $20 in gas? How far does he work from your home? My son rode the bus to work - a 7 minute car trip took him over an hour by bus...but it only cost $1 and he didn't have a car at all. I have to ask, since you are paying the insurance, is this his car, or yours?</p><p></p><p>He already owed you $35 and you gave him another $20, which basically means you told him to pay you $15...</p><p></p><p>Jon, like I said, I feel a bit hypocritical because it's so much easier to say than do and believe me, I've done...I've enabled like crazy...but I suggest you NOT give him another penny of cash. Let him pay his own gas. If you feel generous, you be the one buying fast food or cigarettes - the cheapest ones they make. My kid had found some that were under $2 a pack...tasted nasty, but that's what he bought when he was broke.</p><p></p><p>But if nothing else, I'd darn sure make him having a REAL job and paying YOU FIRST. Call it "savings" call it payment of his bills, call it whatever you want. But he HAS to do this or he'll be living with you until you die. Then what? What happens to a man who won't work and has no one to take care of him? Maybe he will get disability - maybe not - it's not easy with no physical infirmities, but will he pay rent and utilities, or will he blow that money and then want you to help him? Maybe you want to hold off on the job because they won't give disability if you're working...I understand that...but you have to do something here.</p><p></p><p>by the way, Magic the Gathering is quite an expensive hobby. It's not just the starter decks of cards, you have to keep buying expansion decks and special cards and they are not cheap. I expect he's dropping $10 to $20 every time he plays.</p><p></p><p>Jon, this is hard. The hardest thing in the world in my opinion and you've been at this a lot longer than I have, so I have no room to lecture and I don't mean to...but I really think it might be time to put your foot down, firmly. He has to tow the line because you won't be around to take care of him financially forever, as you well know.</p><p></p><p>To be honest, reading over your posts again regarding your son is just kind of scary...he sounds sooooo much like mine. Makes me even more sure we've done the right thing by forcing him out of the nest - though it isn't turning out as planned. But ours has a thing for pot as well, which adds to the problems. But for a while there, he was stable and working. Hopefully he'll get there again before I'm in my 60's and he's in his 30's. I may not live to see my son turn 37 - 16 years from now, as I'm already 53...though I certainly hope to. But I know I'll be too darn old to keep up what's gone on in the past. Can you really imagine this in 10 more years? That's why change needs to happen sooner rather than later. </p><p></p><p>Best of luck to you all.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Lil, post: 700682, member: 17309"] Hello Jon and welcome. I'm so sorry you have been dealing with this for so many years. My son, age 21, has no diagnosed mental disorders (though I don't doubt he has some issues) but he was at the point where we were having him move out again. Yes, again. He was made to move out at 18, because he was stealing. We only allowed him back because he had lost his apartment due to a fire. Our requirement - #1 - was a job, full-time if possible. He was working until recently...when it all fell apart - I have a post on that on the parents emeritus board. We had other rules, which I admit, were at best being loosely adhered to, but for the most part, we wanted him to have that income so he could move out. We required him to pay us 1/2 his paycheck, or 100/week, whichever was less. There were times he paid more. We held that money until he had enough built up to pay deposits and rent, so he could move out. Your son is rapidly approaching middle-age and works 6-10 hours per week, lives with his parents and blows what little money he has. What kind of life is that for a grown man? And he posts on Facebook that he "worked his butt off"? Really? He worked his butt off for a whole six hours? Forgive me, my sarcasm is showing. At the risk of being hypocritical, because my husband would tell you I was bad about enabling where "frivolous" spending was happening, this stood out to me: Jon, in what world are fast food and cigarettes "essentials"? Do you really believe that? Don't you have food at home? I'm willing to bet you and your wife pick up special food at the grocery store for him; soda, pizza, stuff you wouldn't normally buy. I guess that because I did that for mine. As to smoking - and I'm a smoker, couldn't he quit, or at least cut down or buy really cheap smokes? He's only working 10 hours a week, why does he need to eat out at ALL? Why does he need $20 in gas? How far does he work from your home? My son rode the bus to work - a 7 minute car trip took him over an hour by bus...but it only cost $1 and he didn't have a car at all. I have to ask, since you are paying the insurance, is this his car, or yours? He already owed you $35 and you gave him another $20, which basically means you told him to pay you $15... Jon, like I said, I feel a bit hypocritical because it's so much easier to say than do and believe me, I've done...I've enabled like crazy...but I suggest you NOT give him another penny of cash. Let him pay his own gas. If you feel generous, you be the one buying fast food or cigarettes - the cheapest ones they make. My kid had found some that were under $2 a pack...tasted nasty, but that's what he bought when he was broke. But if nothing else, I'd darn sure make him having a REAL job and paying YOU FIRST. Call it "savings" call it payment of his bills, call it whatever you want. But he HAS to do this or he'll be living with you until you die. Then what? What happens to a man who won't work and has no one to take care of him? Maybe he will get disability - maybe not - it's not easy with no physical infirmities, but will he pay rent and utilities, or will he blow that money and then want you to help him? Maybe you want to hold off on the job because they won't give disability if you're working...I understand that...but you have to do something here. by the way, Magic the Gathering is quite an expensive hobby. It's not just the starter decks of cards, you have to keep buying expansion decks and special cards and they are not cheap. I expect he's dropping $10 to $20 every time he plays. Jon, this is hard. The hardest thing in the world in my opinion and you've been at this a lot longer than I have, so I have no room to lecture and I don't mean to...but I really think it might be time to put your foot down, firmly. He has to tow the line because you won't be around to take care of him financially forever, as you well know. To be honest, reading over your posts again regarding your son is just kind of scary...he sounds sooooo much like mine. Makes me even more sure we've done the right thing by forcing him out of the nest - though it isn't turning out as planned. But ours has a thing for pot as well, which adds to the problems. But for a while there, he was stable and working. Hopefully he'll get there again before I'm in my 60's and he's in his 30's. I may not live to see my son turn 37 - 16 years from now, as I'm already 53...though I certainly hope to. But I know I'll be too darn old to keep up what's gone on in the past. Can you really imagine this in 10 more years? That's why change needs to happen sooner rather than later. Best of luck to you all. [/QUOTE]
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