My wife and I are 61 and 62 years old and have a 37-year old son living with us. He has been in most ways dependent on us all his life, but things are really getting worse. He has suffered for 20+ years from strong depression, anxiety, social anxiety, ADD, and ODD. The last one is what causes us the most problem. He isn't defiant in the typical sense. He doesn't break down doors or do violent things, but he is passive, aggressively defiant. He, in general, will not do what is asked of him and he wants to do things his way except that they don't work and he isn't living on his own. We have house rules. He's an alcoholic and has been through 3 rehabs. Four years ago, he did a 6-month rehab and we allowed him to move in with us long enough to get his feet on the ground. That hasn't happened. He has gone from one job to another with the exception of one 2-year job that he liked. During this time he has had money for cigarettes, energy drinks, and constant fast food, but he hasn't paid us rent. There have been repeated unenforced boundaries that we've set, as in "if you drink again we'll kick you out." Instead we've favored rehab and counseling. His last rehab was about 5 weeks ago and we set house rules to which he'd have to adhere, or else move out. He has kept some of the house rules and some he hasn't. He has shown some effort, but he normally trys to see how little he can get by with . His AA sponsor fired him because he wouldn't listen and accept help, but had to do things his own way. He has now decided that AA doesn't address his particular combination of problems. AA was in our house rules. He is also supposed to pay his cell bill and his car insurance plus begin paying us back on a loan he got when he was trying to live independently. Some time back I suggested that he consider disability due to his mental issues and inability to keep a job. This hurt his pride, but he said "I think you may be right." He got a lawyer and is pursuing this, but it is a long process of denials, trials and paperwork. My wife and I have been trying to stand behind him until he can get that and move out. While applying or taking disability you are limited to about 25-30 hours of work each week, so he got a part-time job. They are only giving him sometimes 12 hours and other times more, but they will not commit. He is a very difficult type to deal with. In some ways we want to have compassion on him because he has the lowest self-esteem and the most mental issues I've seen. His mother was somewhat like this but by his age she'd decided to take action to do something about her life and went back to school to pursue a teaching career. That was a long road and had it's bumps, but she eventually made it and has done well. My son is difficult because he is in such bad shape emotionally, but he will not do what he is asked. He is starting with a new therapist at my suggestion, but in his words, "therapy has never really done me much good." Bottom line, he's emotionally messed up, but he has this oppositional streak that he will not put aside and do what needs to be done to get better. I KNOW that if he were really committed to AA, instead of just going through the motions, he would get better. Oh, by the way, did I mention he has a strong lazy streak? I have told him he needed to get an additional 10 hour a weeks job or replace the one he has with a 25 hour a week job. He put in a few apps but isn't really trying hard to work that out. Instead, he spends almost all his free time playing "Magic" at the game store. I understand it is his one social outlet, but he's escaping life by spending so much time there. A week ago, we had a long talk about all these things with him and I affirmed that he was capable and able to get better if he would decide he wants to and if he decides to really throw himself into recovery. We also told him that it was taking an emotional and physical toll on us and that he could not live here that way things are going. In general, I thought it was a pretty good talk. I should mention that he thinks we are disgusted and ashamed of him. There is some truth to that, but I told him what was upsetting us right now is not all the stuff from the past, but his current behavior and that is what has to change. He's said he doesn't think he deserves to get better. I told him that wasn't true and that the past is the past and each day is a new opportunity to start anew. He was raised in a Christian home and I've explained to him that the heart of the gospel is that our past can be forgiven and washed away and we can have a new life at any time we choose. He has a problem with the God thing. I will be gone in a week for a week and we have decided to not take any major steps until after I get back so that his mom won't have to deal with him alone. But, we have it in the back of our minds to kick him out. He cannot really make enough to support himself while applying for disability and he will be homeless unless he goes to the Salvation Army. There is a halfway house that would take him and that would eat up most of his earnings at 25 hours a week, but he could probably squeeze by. However, he won't want that because he's out of AA and he did a halfway house once and hated it. We go to Alanon and I do a lot online work trying to find the wisdom to know what to do. He really has put us through hell off and on ever since he was a child with his oppositional behavior, and we feel we have a right to some peace. We also feel he might just prove to be resourceful if we kicked him out. But we waffle back and forth because in some ways he truly is pathetic. Smart as a whip, very high IQ but has never grown up or recovered from his illnesses. Bottom line, we are in our 60's and he will have to live without us when we die, plus we cannot have him living with us much longer. It is a quandary.