Update on granddaughter and 3 year old great grandson

ksm

Well-Known Member
It was two years ago that I flew across the country to bring our great grandson home to live with us. His mom was to follow within one or two weeks but it took 6 or 7 weeks and she became unstable on drugs. She was actually paranoid for about 2 months after she did return home. But she stayed away from meth for two or three months and when she started feeling better and seeing friends it started up again. Last Summer she was able to work four or five months before things fell apart. This year she worked about 3 weeks in August and September before being fired for being unreliable and not showing up on schedule.

She has never really stepped up to become the parent again. His dad returned to his estranged wife and our great-grandson has been spending every other weekend with them. They probably spend more time with him than his mom does. She may spend one or two nights a week in our home but when she is here she's not emotionally and physically available to her son. I saw an article about the absent parent syndrome and I think it fits our situation.

This summer she was pulled over twice in one week on drug charges, meth, her drug of choice. It's been 6 months and she's to have court next month and it sounds like the prosecutor is going to offer diversion. Which could be a good thing if it entails her getting to rehab. But without a lot of supervision she will not be able to complete diversion and then she will have a felony on her record. I know she is still using...

For all purposes we are our great grandson's parents. But the only legal paperwork we have is a medical authorization. His mom and dad have never had a court decision on visitation and custody. If one parent would decide to keep him away from us there's nothing we can do at the moment. We have him enrolled in Head Start and this has really helped him and given us some time each day during the week for us. It's got him on a schedule where he goes to bed earlier and also has to get up earlier to go to school from 7:45 to 2:45.

We got him back Sunday evening from his dad's and stepmom's house. When he's there she has weekend visitation of her two boys from a previous marriage. They are seven and eight. Great grandson is three. Sunday night his behavior was way off. He went upstairs for his bath but would not let me take his pants and diaper off. When we finally managed to get the diaper off he had had a poopy diaper. But he would not let us touch him to clean up or get in the tub. We could not get another diaper on him. He hid in his little tent in his room naked, and we gave him blankets. He cried and would fall asleep and wake up and cry more for almost 2 hours. My husband stayed in his room and slept on the twin bed in case he woke up. I did manage to get him to school.

I found out from his step mom's mom, who was there on Sunday afternoon, that he was getting spanked when he had an accident! And I think that's why he fought us because he didn't want us to see the poopy diaper. I called his pediatrician and they printed out information on potty training. We will have to have a big discussion with his dad and stepmom and I wanted to have professional guidelines for them to follow when he's at their house. When Alex came home from school we talked to him about pottying and having accidents and if anyone was spanking him. We told him if he's getting spanked we will make sure no one does it again. He started saying over and over again "you no let anyone spank me Gigi and Papa!" We promised him the spankings would stop.

Tonight is supposed to be his evening with his dad and stepmom. I'm torn on how to handle this. There's also other issues of the seven and eight year old boy telling him inappropriate things. Yesterday he was calling people puta which is Spanish for w****. I told him that was a bad word and he should not say that to people. He says it's okay it's Spanish. The older boys other parents speak Spanish as they're main language. Also, when he got upset about the diaper change he was yelling the f word at us. I have heard his dad use that language when he was living with our granddaughter. I know it's common among young adults but I feel very inappropriate for children his age to hear that especially in anger.he has also used bxxxh and mxxxxxfxxxxx.

I'm sorry this is so long... I tried to catch things up from the past year. We are in our late 60s and 70s. We want his parents involved in his life, we see how estrangement gave our two grands issues when they were in foster care and we eventually adopted them. It just feels like history is repeating itself! Thanks for letting me vent. Any ideas or encouragement appreciated.

Ksm
 

Crayola14

Member
This sounds very troubling. He shouldn’t be spanked just because he had an accident in his diaper. That can cause major psychology problems for children. Spanking is to correct bad behavior. I definitely don’t think it’s an appropriate punishment in this case. They can’t yell at him for that.

Emphasize to his dad and stepmom how wrong this is. If he goes in his pants again, maybe he doesn’t get to play with the iPad, or watch his favorite show, or something like that. Reward his behavior when he goes like he’s supposed to.

If he’s deliberately going in his diaper, is it because he’s upset or nervous when he’s with them? At school and when he’s with you or his mom, is he doing it at those times?
 

Crayola14

Member
When it comes to profanity, he’s just repeating what his dad and stepmom have been saying. He can’t be expected to stop when he hears it from them. They need to be more careful. Tell him how much trouble he might get in if he says those words at school.
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
I agree, Crayola... I wish I had some legal backing. The dad could keep him and even my granddaughter couldn't do anything except to go thru the court system to try and get Alex back. At least we have quite a few professionals that would speak up on our behalf. Early Ed teacher, Parents As Teachers, Head Start teacher and family support worker, and a child therapist at local mental health facility all know that we are his adults and has been for a long time.

He was supposed to go to his dad's for a 3 hour visit tonight, but stepmom was sick, so they cancelled. I called his pediatrician and explained the situation about punishing him for potty accidents. He copied his guidelines for potty training and highlighted and underlined no punishments, positive actions, and if they mess up have them help clean up, put clothes in dirty clothes basket, etc.

We had planned to have our "talk" tonight. But it will wait. I'm going to try and talk to the dad and explain it's his child, and he's responsible for how he gets treated on the visits. And we promised Alex no more spankings. And we intend to stand up for him.

Ksm
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
He does seem a little slower to he ready for potty training. But he's doing better in the last few weeks. We usually use pullups for at school. When we use training underwear, it's usually when we are at home and I set a timer and use rewards. I think they just st put in trainers and expect him to get himself to the potty. With the older boys there to play with, I'm sure he gets distracted and waits until it's too late. Ksm.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
He went upstairs for his bath but would not let me take his pants and diaper off
Right off, this put me on red alert. My first thought was somebody is touching him. Part of me said, whew, when I realized it was the potty accident. Gee Whiz. I have potty accidents.
He hid in his little tent in his room naked, and we gave him blankets. He cried and would fall asleep and wake up and cry more for almost 2 hours
OMG, Ksm. This is so upsetting.
he was getting spanked when he had an accident!
This is terrible. I wish I had something smart to say.
There's also other issues of the seven and eight year old boy telling him inappropriate things.
This is terrible!

The thing is. We don't know to what these boys are exposed.

I think your baby is doing phenomenally well. And when you factor in, what he has endured and still endures with his parents, he's a miracle. He is a kind, loving, bright, active, energetic and spontaneous little gentleman who is a joy to everybody around him. I am just so touched his Papa stayed with him that night.

There is the other thing. We don't know how bad those spankings were. Did it cross the line? It's one thing a swat, but he sounds like he was traumatized. He is treated with such kindness and love by you both, he is treasured. I can just imagine how it felt to him, that precious little boy.

I am so sorry this happened.
 

Smithmom

Well-Known Member
Do think about getting legal custody with visitation for parents. Sounds like his father and step mom are happy with the way it is. And it's probably worked for long enough now that you'll get it.

Will pray for all of you.
 

Smithmom

Well-Known Member
Do think about getting legal custody with visitation for parents. Sounds like his father and step mom are happy with the way it is. And it's probably worked for long enough now that you'll get it. Should give you more right to dictate terms of visitation.

Will pray for all of you.
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Hi KSM how are things going now? Did you address proper handling of potty accidents with bio dad? How’d that go?

Thinking of y’all. Happy grandmother day to you!

Love,
Tammy
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
Smithmom & lovemysons... thank you for thinking and asking about us! Sorry I haven't responded quickly, but I routinely get locked out...I can read posts, but I can't always respond.

We do not want a legal fight or get DCF involved in a custody case. We did that 20 years ago with our granddaughters and we were lucky to keep custody, but they lost all benefits that other children who've adopted from foster care receive. Our state has privatized foster care and it is not good. We have asked granddaughter to do a temporary custody order which is reverseable. It is only for 6 months at a time and a judge has to approve it to start or stop the temp custody. It would not effect the fathers rights. But, he couldn't step in and take full custody of GGson if she was in jail or mentally ill. Right now he can take his son and not return him as they have no legal custody agreement.

Our granddaughter does not seem willing to do this voluntarily. And we do not want a big legal battle with her that we could lose, or that it would prompt his dad to just keep him. Which is what his parents urges him to do last year when our granddaughter was in jail for a few days for meth charges.

It's been almost a year since her charges, and next month she has court again, and it looks like the details are being worked out for diversion program. I don't know if she will be sent to rehab or just have a probation officer she has to check in and get drug tested randomly, it's still a lot of wait and see what is in the final paperwork.

my husband is now 80 and I will soon be 69. I'm not sure how receptive DCF or the court system would be towards us.. I worry because it will be harder to keep up with him as he is a very active 4-year-old.


This is the last week of Head Start and then we have 3 months of full-time care except for every other weekend when he's with his dad. We have just not come up with a good solution. His mom thinks that once she has the guidelines for the court she will do what is necessary to stay out of jail. But doesn't mean she will do what is necessary for Alex.

The one thing I have been doing since January 1st is keeping a diary on an app on my phone. Every night I give an update about Alex and his mom, whether she came home that day or not, whether he threw a fit because he's upset because she doesn't come home, and what fun things we do with him. It lets me add three photos to each day's post if I want. If she sends a text saying she's going to be home before his bedtime (and doesnt), or sends messages that I think are important to keep, i screenshot it and then put it on that day as proof of what is happening. This way if anyone questions where Alex is and who's actually caring for him I will have an accurate record. Like when we take him to the doctor or when he has appointments that she doesn't show up for. When there's teachers conferences, or the organization parents as teachers come over to spend time with her and Alex but it's usually just me and Alex. I wish I had done that a lot sooner. In the last week I think she spent one night here and then she came over twice and took him to a park. She doesn't get him dressed for school, take him to school, pick him up from school, fixes his meals, gives him a bath, get him ready for bed, wash his clothes, clean up his room, or buys his groceries with her food stamps. Kind of li,like, a big sister that shows him off to her friends, then gives him back.

even though he is a handful...he is a heartful! I can't imagine him not being a big part of our lives.


He is the most beautiful child...funny, silly, smart, but he also loses his temper, gets frustrated and can lash out. Head Start has a therapist that comes tovthe school and has had visits. I plan to try and make appointments spring the summer...

Ksm
 
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lovemysons

Well-Known Member
I hope Alex and you and your husband will enjoy the full time summer months together.
I also hope mom starts playing the role of a real mother one of these days soon instead of the big sister role. Maybe rehab or having a probation officer involved will help her this time.

Ksm…I am 57 and do not have the endurance anymore to raise a small child. I don’t know how you do it except for being highly motivated by your love for Alex. He is so blessed to have you. I’m glad you are keeping a diary of sorts. Maybe you should start one that can be handed to Alex someday so he will always know he was raised with love regardless of the circumstances surrounding his bio mom and dad.

You are a remarkable person ksm.

Love and hugs for you and Alex,
Tammy
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
I'm not having a good day. Last night right after I went to bed, I heard my phone vibrate and looked at a text from DGD. She wanted to come home. I texted her, ok, but come home right now. She texted back, "ok". We live in a small town. 10 to 15 minutes from any area of town. So I got up, put on my robe, and set by the back door so as to let hubby sleep uninterrupted. About 25 minutes later, I texted her. No response. I called. She either turned off her phone or it was dead.

She never came home. We don't allow her to have a key as she would come and go all hours of the night.

Today was Head Start Graduation for GGson. The school sent out text reminders yesterday, so I didn't feel the need to remind her. She texted me she would be there before 10. She wasn't. She did show up about 5 minutes late. After they kids were given their "certificates" there was lunch and cookies. His teacher announced that if you were taking your child home after the ceremony to check with her and sign your child out. dGD announced she was taking him out of school for the rest of the day. She had only seen him for 2 hours since Thursday, last week.

I looked around for her and him but they had just up and left! No bye, No chance to have him get back on stage for photos, just gone.

She took him the first day of school and picked him up on the last day. I can probably count on one hand the other times she made it to school.

But the highlight of the morning was when his class walked in single file, he was looking all over for "his people" and yelled GiGi!! And gave me a big hug. And then the same for PaPa!! That was worth it!

Ksm
 

ANewLife4Me

Active Member
I'm not having a good day. Last night right after I went to bed, I heard my phone vibrate and looked at a text from DGD. She wanted to come home. I texted her, ok, but come home right now. She texted back, "ok". We live in a small town. 10 to 15 minutes from any area of town. So I got up, put on my robe, and set by the back door so as to let hubby sleep uninterrupted. About 25 minutes later, I texted her. No response. I called. She either turned off her phone or it was dead.

She never came home. We don't allow her to have a key as she would come and go all hours of the night.

Today was Head Start Graduation for GGson. The school sent out text reminders yesterday, so I didn't feel the need to remind her. She texted me she would be there before 10. She wasn't. She did show up about 5 minutes late. After they kids were given their "certificates" there was lunch and cookies. His teacher announced that if you were taking your child home after the ceremony to check with her and sign your child out. dGD announced she was taking him out of school for the rest of the day. She had only seen him for 2 hours since Thursday, last week.

I looked around for her and him but they had just up and left! No bye, No chance to have him get back on stage for photos, just gone.

She took him the first day of school and picked him up on the last day. I can probably count on one hand the other times she made it to school.

But the highlight of the morning was when his class walked in single file, he was looking all over for "his people" and yelled GiGi!! And gave me a big hug. And then the same for PaPa!! That was worth it!

Ksm
I am so sorry Ksm that you had to deal with this last night and today. I am thanking God that you were there, his people, the ones he can count on in his life. 🤗❤️ Hopeful that her taking him out of school for the rest of the day that she will spend some quality time with him. 🙏 So much on these little ones I only wish the adults in their life would see the value, love, compassion the children desperately crave from their parents. Sending you love, a big hug and prayers. 🥰
 
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