26 yrs old son.anxiety/worried/many cluster B/ short version.

[Brokenheart1]

I have a 26 year old son by my first marriage my 2nd husband was able to adopt and has been in his life 20 years.. Sons bio dad had issues and now since son turned 25 things have been like a light switch flip. He's become an extremely judgmental Christian from 8 months ago was not sure he believed in GOD. We raised him in a moderate Christian home but eveytime we talk he is trying to save me. No questions just tells me he can tell I have not repented. I was the one that was always there for him and everything is blamed on me not the bio dad's house where he was abused. He has cut me off for three months and refused to talk to me. Makes things up about me always seeing the worst. He has no relationship with my husband or me unless its his topic of lecturing or asking for money. He struggled with drug use senior in HS to sophomore in college and attended college then thankfully rehab. He went back to college making deans list every time and has a great scholarship. He has managed to stay sober and had a Threapist /sober coach last four years. His Threapist called him out on a horrible text he sent me and showed her. She ask if he was intentional trying to hurt me? His response was sometimes you have to break someone to build them up. He quit therapy that day. She has told us she believes he is antisocial with some borderline. Now three weeks later. He is telling us he is quitting school with two semesters left. He says he can't succeed in the world that it is working against him. We had told him we would pay for apartment and living expenses as long as he was in school. He wants to sell everything we have given him. Even his sentimental things and go to Poland to train then to live in Africa to work against poachers. In the middle of all this he married an immigrant needing a green card. They had dated 3 years but she has issues too. He has no follow though and no plan, not realistic , delusional, So my husband and I agreed he will move out of the apartment and give the car back . He has 30 days, I know this will not be easy for many reasons. Sooo much more to say. Iam in therapy and have gone to alanon. Iam hurt from the verbal abuse, scared and worried what his future looks like and the boundaries we will have to set with him quitting school and having no income. I also dread social situations where people ask when he graduates or what he is doing. what do you say about adult child that quit school suddenly and has no job? and is failing at life?

 

[Copabanana]

He went back to college making deans list every time and has a great scholarship.

Welcome to the forum. This is fantastic. I can imagine your relief.

He has managed to stay sober and had a Threapist /sober coach last four years.

These are extremely positive things and they speak to his ability to thrive in life.

His response was sometimes you have to break someone to build them up.

As you know this is an extremely inappropriate thing to verbalize or even to think about a parent. Who is he, G-d? My son also believes and says things that are light-years away from how I think and live. I do not permit him to speak to me of these things. Sometimes, he crosses the boundary and I limit contact. It upsets me. But I choose not to be aggravated. I take this into account in evaluating how much time I want to be with him, and in what circumstances.

It is what it is. I have learned that I have a right to be okay. Even if my son is not. These things happen. Grown children often grow apart from their parents or have different viewpoints and lifestyles. We may not like it. It may hurt us. But how do you fight reality?

When our children thrive, it's their accomplishment. When they flounder, it is still their life, not ours.

He is telling us he is quitting school with two semesters left.

This is his business. Not yours. At 26 his life is in his hands, not yours.

scared and worried what his future looks like

Again, his future is not your business. It is not that I don't have empathy with you. I do. I was you. Until I realized I had no role deciding in my son's life. First of all, to believe that made me ill. Second of all, it does not work.

what he is doing. what do you say about adult child that quit school suddenly and has no job? and is failing at life?

This is the least of your worries. All kinds of people have troubled kids or kids in trouble. Look at our president. This is the reality of the world and life. The true answer for all of us, about all our children, is this: They're making their way.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

My daughter is 31 and has multiple mental disorders including schizophrenia. She refuses therapy or medication unless court ordered. 10 years of back and forth with her being in and out of jail, helping her restart her life all over again, to only have her back in jail this very minute. All the wasted years of my husband and my life, I tell you from experience after 10 years we are cutting her loose on her own. The guilt and pain we feel is horrendous but, it must be done. After she is freed from jail she will literally be on the streets. She was living out of her car but has since lost her insurance for non payment and most likely the car will be repossessed before she gets out.

We all come to a point that we made excuses for their behavior, a big one for me was her mental. But as you see with your own son, they are very capable and can hold down jobs ect….they just don’t want too. I have found that I am an enabler and a co-dependent to my children. It’s a vicious cycle because we love them so much but really, we are limiting their potential to figure things out for themselves.

You have to think more of yourself, hard as it is even with my daughter….my mental and physical well being are at stake if I continued as I was. My personal opinion is you already know what needs to be done by giving him 30 days, no apartment and no car. It’s so hard, I am going through it myself but, what’s the harm to back off and see what he will do on his own? He might surprise you. Don’t become upset with words like, I will kill myself if I am homeless. My daughter has blamed me for her even being born and knows what to say and manipulated me. I am tired after doing this so long, it’s time for ME. I pray you come to the same decision and stand firm.

The 2 books in my about section helped me greatly to see what’s going on, they empowered me to keep strong. It’s a daily struggle we are all battling right now. For me personally enough was enough, I even had to change my phone number. She can be violent and if it becomes an issue we will move as well. Sounds harsh right? It’s until they decide what to do with their life, not you, protect at all costs your well being.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

My daughter is 31 and has multiple mental disorders including schizophrenia. She refuses therapy or medication unless court ordered. 10 years of back and forth with her being in and out of jail, helping her restart her life all over again, to only have her back in jail this very minute. All the wasted years of my husband and my life, I tell you from experience after 10 years we are cutting her loose on her own. The guilt and pain we feel is horrendous but, it must be done. After she is freed from jail she will literally be on the streets. She was living out of her car but has since lost her insurance for non payment and most likely the car will be repossessed before she gets out.

We all come to a point that we made excuses for their behavior, a big one for me was her mental. But as you see with your own son, they are very capable and can hold down jobs ect….they just don’t want too. I have found that I am an enabler and a co-dependent to my children. It’s a vicious cycle because we love them so much but really, we are limiting their potential to figure things out for themselves.

You have to think more of yourself, hard as it is even with my daughter….my mental and physical well being are at stake if I continued as I was. My personal opinion is you already know what needs to be done by giving him 30 days, no apartment and no car. It’s so hard, I am going through it myself but, what’s the harm to back off and see what he will do on his own? He might surprise you. Don’t become upset with words like, I will kill myself if I am homeless. My daughter has blamed me for her even being born and knows what to say and manipulated me. I am tired after doing this so long, it’s time for ME. I pray you come to the same decision and stand firm.

The 2 books in my about section helped me greatly to see what’s going on, they empowered me to keep strong. It’s a daily struggle we are all battling right now. For me personally enough was enough, I even had to change my phone number. She can be violent and if it becomes an issue we will move as well. Sounds harsh right? It’s until they decide what to do with their life, not you, protect at all costs your well being.

Thinking a bit more about why suddenly this change in him happened…we parents will never know. My daughter lived with us, had gotten her license back, saved over 10 thousand and bought a brand new car. In March of 2023 she just up and left us…said, living out of her car was better than living with us. Was shocked as you are right now. He is refusing therapy but that’s really what he needed to continue at this time. Sad they make such drastic choices and we are left scratching our heads….what went wrong? Nothing you did in the present/past made this happen. Don’t beat yourself up over the why’s and what I did raising him. Again the books helped me see the enabling was my biggest problem.

 

[Brokenheart1]

Welcome to the forum. This is fantastic. I can imagine your relief.

These are extremely positive things and they speak to his ability to thrive in life.

As you know this is an extremely inappropriate thing to verbalize or even to think about a parent. Who is he, G-d? My son also believes things that are light-years away from how I think and live. I do not permit it. Sometimes, he crosses the boundary and I limit contact. It upsets me and I choose not to be aggravated. I take this into account in evaluating how much time I want to be with him, and in what circumstances. It is what it is. I have learned that I have a right to be okay. Even if my son is not. These things happen, when grown children grow apart from their parents. It is reality. We may not like it. It may hurt us. But how do you fight reality? When our children thrive, it's their accomplishment. When they flounder, it is still their live, not ours.

This is his business. Not yours. At 26 his life is in his hands, not yours.

Again, his future is not your business. It is not that I don't have empathy with you. I do. I was you. Until I realized I had no role deciding in my son's life. First of all, to believe that made me ill. Second of all, it does not work.

This is the least of your worries. All kinds of people have troubled kids or kids in trouble. Look at our president. This is the reality of the world and life. The true answer for all of us, about all our children, is this: They're making their way.

Thank you for replying and giving me some perspective...you are 100% correct. It is his life and his decision. I need to let go! its hard to watch someone hit a wall bloody but I know it's what needs to happen.
This is a new chapter, we are trying to figure out and though there were small pink flags prior, the last 6 months have been a roller coaster of processing and highlighting his mental health issues. Hearing the Threapist come to this conclusion and putting the puzzle pieces together was a lot to take in. We have one child and this is him and not much family absorbing what this means for our future and him not being in it. We always thought he would grow up or was maybe on the spectrum. Marched to the beat of his own drum.
The apartment is in our name, in another city and knowing what we know, he won't go easily... the anger, the blame the manipulation.
Lastly, I do realize and know people have all kinds of issues. I think it's the uncomfortableness of answering the questions to certain people. I know people are trying to be polite and engage. I just dread the questions and try and deflect. I find it exhausting and it reminds me of how far off he is from a " normal young man his age". I find myself noticing other young people and wishing I had a son I could have normal conversation with or a meal...it's a new acceptance that this is my mom life.
Mom to one

 

[Copabanana]

We have one child and this is him and not much family

I have only one child too. I raised him by myself. He is my only family. I know how you feel.

absorbing what this means for our future and him not being in it

Why write the end of the story, until it is known? You don't know what he will do. You don't know what you'll do. Your life is still to be written. So is his.

I think it's the uncomfortableness of answering the questions to certain people.

You don't have to answer the question to other people. You can tell the truth. I don't feel comfortable talking about him right now.

find myself noticing other young people and wishing I had a son I could have normal conversation with or a meal...it's a new acceptance that this is my mom life.

Me too. I would want my son in my life in such a way that it did not cause pain, worry, dread, and fear. More and more I accept reality as it is.

I have a girlfriend with two sons much older than my son. One is in his fifties—the other forties. They have houses in the best part of town, children, wives, careers, etc. They help their mother out. They take responsibility. My son is so far from this as not to be in the same universe. I feel anger at these men. I am seldom envious. But I get angry (silently) when she speaks of them. I knew both boys when they were kids. Anymore, I don't like them! So? We're human.

The thing is I accept myself. I accept that I have a soft, bruised part. I accept that I am more than my weakest link. I accept that life happens to everybody. I accept that none of us is promised a rose garden.

Do I like the thorns? Not one bit. I am learning to accept what is and to be grateful for what I have. I love my son and I wouldn't want a do-over. In your situation, your son has so many skills that it is unclear how this will all turn out.

Why not let this play out and take one step at a time? You are doing so well.

 

[Brokenheart1]

My daughter is 31 and has multiple mental disorders including schizophrenia. She refuses therapy or medication unless court ordered. 10 years of back and forth with her being in and out of jail, helping her restart her life all over again, to only have her back in jail this very minute. All the wasted years of my husband and my life, I tell you from experience after 10 years we are cutting her loose on her own. The guilt and pain we feel is horrendous but, it must be done. After she is freed from jail she will literally be on the streets. She was living out of her car but has since lost her insurance for non payment and most likely the car will be repossessed before she gets out.
Iam so sorry. I know this must be so hard and I can see this being in my future him living off peoples couch until they tire of him.
We all come to a point that we made excuses for their behavior, a big one for me was her mental. But as you see with your own son, they are very capable and can hold down jobs ect….they just don’t want too. I have found that I am an enabler and a co-dependent to my children. It’s a vicious cycle because we love them so much but really, we are limiting their potential to figure things out for themselves.
It's hard to see others pain, especially our childs. I have had to try and switch my parenting thought process from putting him above me to taking care of myself. Iam not parenting a young child anymore but a grown man.
You have to think more of yourself, hard as it is even with my daughter….my mental and physical well being are at stake if I continued as I was. My personal opinion is you already know what needs to be done by giving him 30 days, no apartment and no car. It’s so hard, I am going through it myself but, what’s the harm to back off and see what he will do on his own? He might surprise you. Don’t become upset with words like, I will kill myself if I am homeless. My daughter has blamed me for her even being born and knows what to say and manipulated me. I am tired after doing this so long, it’s time for ME. I pray you come to the same decision and stand firm. I know from when he was in rehab how important it was to let them fall and have consequences I threatened him a lot when he was in rehab that if he left he would be homeless. Its so against how we think partents should be, always being there for them. OR how others are able to parent their health adult children. My son is full of blame and delusion this id making it easy to be mad at him but I know if I heard him crying it would be hard . I hear your words and know I can do it now or later but better to do it now, it would save a lot of grief. I love my marriage but can see the strain when we have to deal with our son and being snippy the change in the energy . I need to protect it . Enabling and setting boundaries I never saw as a child. I have a brother who is much older. He struggled his whole life with addiction. My mom actually paid his house off while he was using. My mom passed a way and we believe that my brother put the nail in her coffin putting pressure on her asking for money. She had a stroke. The nursing home my mother was at would call out of concern for how my brother was upsetting her and confusing her. This made me realize I did not want to live my life like this. So I hope I can be strong and do what needs to be done.

The 2 books in my about section helped me greatly to see what’s going on, they empowered me to keep strong. It’s a daily struggle we are all battling right now. For me personally enough was enough, I even had to change my phone number. She can be violent and if it becomes an issue we will move as well. Sounds harsh right? It’s until they decide what to do with their life, not you, protect at all costs your well being. Thank you for taking the time to reply . . I saw the title "when a child breaks your heart" and that stood out to me.

trying to figure our how to reply properly. I will play around until I figure it out...

 

[Copabanana]

Do you need help?

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Being new to the forum myself I don’t know how to do the quotes as they do. I am learning as I go.

 

[Nandina]

Michelle and Brokenheart1,

If you will go to the General Discussions forum under FAQ and resources, Deni, one of the staff members, has directions on how to quote and reply and even a practice page. It took me awhile to figure it out as well. We’re glad you’re here.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Michelle and Brokenheart1,

If you will go to the General Discussions forum under FAQ and resources, Deni, one of the staff members, has directions on how to quote and reply and even a practice page. It took me awhile to figure it out as well. We’re glad you’re here.

Thank you, will look for that.

 

[Copabanana]

Push +quote which is on the lower right.
Highlight the text you want by hovering over it.
a black button will appear below it. Push it.
push the insert quotes button below the text box.
insert selected messages.
A box will appear. At the bottom of that, you will see a blue button. Push that.
That is it.

 

[ANewLife4Me]

Push +quote which is on the lower right.
Highlight the text you want by hovering over it.
a black button will appear below it. Push it.
push the insert quotes button below the text box.
insert selected messages.
A box will appear. At the bottom of that, you will see a blue button. Push that.
That is it.

Thank you.

 

[Brokenheart1]

I have only one child too. I raised him by myself. He is my only family. I know how you feel.

It's hard to not get bitter and sad. The one thing I always knew in life was I wanted to be a Mom. I also was a single mom for while . Thought some day he would see the sacrifices I made but he only picks apart crazy things that are not be accurate. I try and have some positive grateful thoughts before I get out of bed to start the day.

Why write the end of the story, until it is known? You don't know what he will do. You don't know what you'll do. Your life is still to be written. So is his.

Yes so true. thank you for the reminder. I think Iam tired. I have had a lot of other trauma other than sons issues that I have had to deal with... I know life is hard and unfair. It just sometimes adds up and weighs on me. Feels like it keeps coming at me. There probably isn't one issue I have not had to deal with with one person or another in my life. I find it hard to be in limbo and wonder ... That love from afar but with boundaries or no contact. Its a new concept to love him but not rescue him. but I know love is letting them fail and have natural consequences. I think I have tried to go backward in thinking of were there red flags, what did I miss ? it won't change anything but its how I process. I see that he rarely enjoyed having a meal or a trip with us. He really could care less about me. He tells me he loves me but his actions are so far from love. How do you do love from a far and keep a window open ?

You don't have to answer the question to other people. You can tell the truth. I don't feel comfortable talking about him right now.

Me too. I would want my son in my life in such a way that it did not cause pain, worry, dread, and fear. More and more I accept reality as it is.

I have a girlfriend with two sons much older than my son. One is in his fifties—the other forties. They have houses in the best part of town, children, wives, careers, etc. They help their mother out. They take responsibility. My son is so far from this as not to be in the same universe. I feel anger at these men. I am seldom envious. But I get angry (silently) when she speaks of them. I knew both boys when they were kids. Anymore, I don't like them! So? We're human.

The thing is I accept myself. I accept that I have a soft, bruised part. I accept that I am more than my weakest link. I accept that life happens to everybody. I accept that none of us is promised a rose garden.

Do I like the thorns? Not one bit. I am learning to accept what is and to be grateful for what I have. I love my son and I wouldn't want a do-over. In your situation, your son has so many skills that it is unclear how this will all turn out.

Why not let this play out and take one step at a time? You are doing so well

My son constantly surprises me good and bad. I never know. so true. One day and one step ... I get bogged down processing all his behavior over the last 8-9 years and like " oh this is maybe why he does or did this that".
So you still carry hope for your daughter? when did you notice things going sideways?

 

[Copabanana]

thinking of were there red flags, what did I miss ? i

You call this processing. I think when we go over and over and over the past, it's called self-torture. The whys don't matter, and sometimes, most of the time can never be known. A lot of the time it's trying to find who to blame, and it's usually ourselves. Somebody I know call this the merry-go-round, and we need to get off or we'll keep going round and round and round. The only way out is to jump to a new neuropathway.

He tells me he loves me but his actions are so far from love.

Again, I believe this thinking only leads to heartache. I believe him that he loves you. But take your pick: A, he does not love himself. B. He doesn't know how to live yet, C, he's lacking in self-knowledge or knowledge of relationships and life, D. He's an idiot. I was an idiot too. Now, I am not.

How do you do love from a far and keep a window open ?

Staying in the present.

So you still carry hope for your daughter? when did you notice things going sideways

I have a son. I have a complicated relationship with hope. I try to have hope because hope is mine to have. I can choose to have hope, independent of what my son does or does not do. My hope is not linked to him. It's in me. My son is responsible to have and to make his hope.

Our situation is unique. My son is adopted. He lived his first 22 months apart from me. We were fine until he was in his teens, and really, only in his early twenties when he had to become independent and autonomous did I see we were heading for rough waters. I did everything in the world I could think of to do over and over. None of it worked. Until I accepted that he and I are separate people and that he has one hundred percent power and control and the right to live the life he wants to live and can live. I have no vote.

 

[Brokenheart1]

You call this processing. I think when we go over and over and over the past, it's called self-torture. The whys don't matter, and sometimes, most of the time can never be known. A lot of the time it's trying to find who to blame, and it's usually ourselves. Somebody I know call this the merry-go-round, and we need to get off or we'll keep going round and round and round. The only way out is to jump to a new neuropathway.

Again, I believe this thinking only leads to heartache. I believe him that he loves you. But take your pick: A, he does not love himself. B. He doesn't know how to live yet, C, he's lacking in self-knowledge or knowledge of relationships and life, D. He's an idiot. I was an idiot too. Now, I am not.

Staying in the present.

I have a son. I have a complicated relationship with hope. I try to have hope because hope is mine to have. I can choose to have hope, independent of what my son does or does not do. My hope is not linked to him. It's in me. My son is responsible to have and to make his hope.

Our situation is unique. My son is adopted. He lived his first 22 months apart from me. We were fine until he was in his teens, and really, only in his early twenties when he had to become independent and autonomous did I see we were heading for rough waters. I did everything in the world I could think of to do over and over. None of it worked. Until I accepted that he and I are separate people and that he has one hundred percent power and control and the right to live the life he wants to live and can live. I have no vote.

I have re read this post and all your responses after me not being in the middle of my emotions or fear You have so much wisdom. Thank you. I hope to continue learning. We just have to live in the minute and enjoy the peace until it’s it’s not…