My son is 22 years old and will not take control of his life. To give you background, his father and I separated when my son was close to 3 years old. My son lived primarily with me, but saw his dad most every weekend. His dad and I remained on good terms and I married my husband when my son was 8 and his father married his long term partner shortly after I got married. While my son’s dad and I co-parented pretty well, I felt he indulged our son by buying him things that I didn’t think we’re always deserved or earned. I would say I was more the day to day parent and his dad got more of the fun weekend stuff, which made the end of the visits with his dad hard for my son sometimes. His father had 2 other children, but would always still spend most weekends with my son. I feel there was some jealousy at times on my son’s part of the fact his brothers lived with their dad and my son saw his dad on the weekends. My son is 10 years older than one of his brothers and 12 years older than the youngest.
My son had a private school education from Kindergarten to part of 12th grade. He cheated his way through a good part of his high school years. The internet is a bit of a double sword as it’s helpful to students, but also allows them to cut and paste answers, reports, etc…. My son tested average on aptitude tests, he could do the work, he just chose to not do a lot of the work and cheat. Around 15 he started lying quite a bit. He fabricated things about his life to peers and would lie straight to mine, my husband, his dad’s face about things to avoid being grounded. I would feel horrible about not believing him as he would make me feel terrible. It was only when he was faced with proof that he would come clean. If we told him he was grounded, he’d walk out the door and call his dad. My son told us he no longer wanted to go to private school a month into his senior year as he didn’t think he would graduate with the classes he was taking. We lost 1/2 a year tuition, but got him set up at the public high school and he was able to take classes he would be able to pass. He barely went to school at the new school. He walked to school - but would leave to smoke pot and not return. We tossed a bunch of his pot we found that he intended to see and he got angry and went to live with his dad when he was 18. At 19 he got an apartment- his father wound up paying most the rent as our son wouldn’t pay. He has really only worked for his father at one of the restaurants and takes advantage or steals. His father will no longer allow him to work in his restaurants. The last apartment he had I co-signed and helped him set it up. It was close to me and his dad and walking distance to many places he could work. He stopped paying on that apartment and my husband and I and my sons father paid half and my son was expected to pay the other half. He barely did that. When he left at the end of the lease we found the apartment trashed and in awful condition. My husband and I cleaned it up to avoid being held accountable since I co-signed.
My son made friends easily in school. Most all his friends are now going to college and about to graduate. As students some of those kids come back and stay with their parents on breaks and my son thinks he should have that life of having parents take care of him too. He tells us we should have given him a credit card like his friends parents did. He had a car but his dad took it away since he had paid for it and we suspected my son was drinking and driving. My son can be very manipulative and tell me he has ADD and I should have see that and got medication. The school counselors, pediatricians, teachers and his father and I never saw any signs of ADD. We’ve sent him to a therapist but he quit after 2 sessions. I have him on my insurance and have told him now as an adult he can go to a therapist as it’s covered, to which he says, “no it’s too late now”, you should have done it a long time ago.”
He doesn’t keep a job, the 2 apartments he had he stopped paying, he has been kicked out of roommate arrangements as he stops paying and doesn’t clean up after himself. He stayed with my husband and I for a couple weeks over the summer as I wanted to try to help him. He worked and then stopped working and basically acted like a 14 year old and resorted back to the same manipulative and mean behavior that he resorts to with me. I felt like I was in an abusive relationship. I would never allow anyone else to treat me the way I allow my son to treat me.
He left with a friend for 2 months and stayed on the East Coast and basically had a 2 month vacation from not working…. We communicated while he was away and it was nice to hear him happy and I’ll selfishly admit, not having to worry about him knocking on the door at 3:00 AM to say he needed a place to stay.
He came back this week and with it came the attitude when speaking with him and asking for a place to stay and money. I reminded him he could not stay here after the last time I let him stay and he broke every condition we asked of him (refusing to work, behaving aggressive disrespectful and rude). I had recently given him money while he was away and told him not to ask me for any more.
Everytime I am faced with having to say no, it guts me. I have had my own therapy over it, my husband and I have had many arguments over it. He says I have to stay consistent otherwise my son will never have the desire to change his behavior. I know all this is true, but I don’t want my son to be homeless or any of the other things that goes through my head. His dad has said he’s had enough and loves our son but refuses to enable him. I have said “no” today, but it is scary and I feel anxious, sad and to be honest a bit pissed off that this keeps happening over and over. I desperately want just a normal relationship with my son where I can visit with him and spend time with him but each time I try - I’m met with I need a place to stay, I need money…..
Sorry for rambling- this was therapeutic and I appreciate any advice.
My son had a private school education from Kindergarten to part of 12th grade. He cheated his way through a good part of his high school years. The internet is a bit of a double sword as it’s helpful to students, but also allows them to cut and paste answers, reports, etc…. My son tested average on aptitude tests, he could do the work, he just chose to not do a lot of the work and cheat. Around 15 he started lying quite a bit. He fabricated things about his life to peers and would lie straight to mine, my husband, his dad’s face about things to avoid being grounded. I would feel horrible about not believing him as he would make me feel terrible. It was only when he was faced with proof that he would come clean. If we told him he was grounded, he’d walk out the door and call his dad. My son told us he no longer wanted to go to private school a month into his senior year as he didn’t think he would graduate with the classes he was taking. We lost 1/2 a year tuition, but got him set up at the public high school and he was able to take classes he would be able to pass. He barely went to school at the new school. He walked to school - but would leave to smoke pot and not return. We tossed a bunch of his pot we found that he intended to see and he got angry and went to live with his dad when he was 18. At 19 he got an apartment- his father wound up paying most the rent as our son wouldn’t pay. He has really only worked for his father at one of the restaurants and takes advantage or steals. His father will no longer allow him to work in his restaurants. The last apartment he had I co-signed and helped him set it up. It was close to me and his dad and walking distance to many places he could work. He stopped paying on that apartment and my husband and I and my sons father paid half and my son was expected to pay the other half. He barely did that. When he left at the end of the lease we found the apartment trashed and in awful condition. My husband and I cleaned it up to avoid being held accountable since I co-signed.
My son made friends easily in school. Most all his friends are now going to college and about to graduate. As students some of those kids come back and stay with their parents on breaks and my son thinks he should have that life of having parents take care of him too. He tells us we should have given him a credit card like his friends parents did. He had a car but his dad took it away since he had paid for it and we suspected my son was drinking and driving. My son can be very manipulative and tell me he has ADD and I should have see that and got medication. The school counselors, pediatricians, teachers and his father and I never saw any signs of ADD. We’ve sent him to a therapist but he quit after 2 sessions. I have him on my insurance and have told him now as an adult he can go to a therapist as it’s covered, to which he says, “no it’s too late now”, you should have done it a long time ago.”
He doesn’t keep a job, the 2 apartments he had he stopped paying, he has been kicked out of roommate arrangements as he stops paying and doesn’t clean up after himself. He stayed with my husband and I for a couple weeks over the summer as I wanted to try to help him. He worked and then stopped working and basically acted like a 14 year old and resorted back to the same manipulative and mean behavior that he resorts to with me. I felt like I was in an abusive relationship. I would never allow anyone else to treat me the way I allow my son to treat me.
He left with a friend for 2 months and stayed on the East Coast and basically had a 2 month vacation from not working…. We communicated while he was away and it was nice to hear him happy and I’ll selfishly admit, not having to worry about him knocking on the door at 3:00 AM to say he needed a place to stay.
He came back this week and with it came the attitude when speaking with him and asking for a place to stay and money. I reminded him he could not stay here after the last time I let him stay and he broke every condition we asked of him (refusing to work, behaving aggressive disrespectful and rude). I had recently given him money while he was away and told him not to ask me for any more.
Everytime I am faced with having to say no, it guts me. I have had my own therapy over it, my husband and I have had many arguments over it. He says I have to stay consistent otherwise my son will never have the desire to change his behavior. I know all this is true, but I don’t want my son to be homeless or any of the other things that goes through my head. His dad has said he’s had enough and loves our son but refuses to enable him. I have said “no” today, but it is scary and I feel anxious, sad and to be honest a bit pissed off that this keeps happening over and over. I desperately want just a normal relationship with my son where I can visit with him and spend time with him but each time I try - I’m met with I need a place to stay, I need money…..
Sorry for rambling- this was therapeutic and I appreciate any advice.
I hope things get better for you , just know you are not alone even though it may feel like it.
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