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43 year old homeless son
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 639278" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Marie, my daughter used to let me know when her life was in some kind of peril, it would send me into a panic. Over time, as I detached from the requests and made it clear I was not giving any more money, she stopped doing that. </p><p></p><p>When our kids are as old as ours are Marie, we both get into a patterned way of reacting. Like a script. Your son says he is in peril, you have likely responded by helping. He is used to that. Once you change the script, he will up the ante as he's done. The point, in my opinion, is to get you to respond the way you used to, to help him. </p><p></p><p>Over time, as he finally gets that you aren't going to give in, he will stop, but likely not before he drags you through more of his drama.</p><p></p><p>Marie, there are shelters and food banks everywhere for the homeless. He has choices. And, I'd bet he's working other angles while he makes you think he is simply sitting on the side of the road freezing, starving and alone. </p><p></p><p>I used to worry myself sick about my daughter and then I wouldn't hear from her and I would assume all kinds of horrible things that may have happened to her. Then I would see her and she would say she had been out to dinner with a friend, or she was over a friends house watching TV, or other normal kinds of things. But I had spent days, sometimes weeks, stressed to the max and up most nights worrying. </p><p></p><p>I don't do it anymore. I won't offer up my life on the alter of my daughter's bad choices. Interestingly, she is making better choices now. Her life is still strange to me, but she is dealing with it without my involvement or help. As I pulled back, she began working things out for herself on her own terms. And, we get along a lot better too. It isn't just her asking for help and me giving it. </p><p></p><p>I understand you feeling conflicted. Of course you are. That is a normal reaction as you make changes. Get some support for yourself Marie, this is hard stuff. You have no control over the choices your son is making, he is a grown man. At any point he can change his life and he is choosing not to. You are not responsible for him. You are not the cause of this, nor can you change it. Do something kind for yourself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 639278, member: 13542"] Marie, my daughter used to let me know when her life was in some kind of peril, it would send me into a panic. Over time, as I detached from the requests and made it clear I was not giving any more money, she stopped doing that. When our kids are as old as ours are Marie, we both get into a patterned way of reacting. Like a script. Your son says he is in peril, you have likely responded by helping. He is used to that. Once you change the script, he will up the ante as he's done. The point, in my opinion, is to get you to respond the way you used to, to help him. Over time, as he finally gets that you aren't going to give in, he will stop, but likely not before he drags you through more of his drama. Marie, there are shelters and food banks everywhere for the homeless. He has choices. And, I'd bet he's working other angles while he makes you think he is simply sitting on the side of the road freezing, starving and alone. I used to worry myself sick about my daughter and then I wouldn't hear from her and I would assume all kinds of horrible things that may have happened to her. Then I would see her and she would say she had been out to dinner with a friend, or she was over a friends house watching TV, or other normal kinds of things. But I had spent days, sometimes weeks, stressed to the max and up most nights worrying. I don't do it anymore. I won't offer up my life on the alter of my daughter's bad choices. Interestingly, she is making better choices now. Her life is still strange to me, but she is dealing with it without my involvement or help. As I pulled back, she began working things out for herself on her own terms. And, we get along a lot better too. It isn't just her asking for help and me giving it. I understand you feeling conflicted. Of course you are. That is a normal reaction as you make changes. Get some support for yourself Marie, this is hard stuff. You have no control over the choices your son is making, he is a grown man. At any point he can change his life and he is choosing not to. You are not responsible for him. You are not the cause of this, nor can you change it. Do something kind for yourself. [/QUOTE]
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43 year old homeless son
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