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<blockquote data-quote="Mamaof5" data-source="post: 508495"><p>I need to address a few points made by some:</p><p></p><p>1. I've tried 4 counselling sessions - did sweet nothing for me except make me feel worse.</p><p>2. Because of the environment of the relationship - other non-family females on his friends lists (where he met his affair partner - on FB) are a boundary I've said is a deal breaker if stepped over. I set my personal boundaries (this being one of them) because I had to. That is a deal breaker for me (never was until he screwed up). It means if he can't respect my boundaries as his wife and a person then I can't stay. I will not be stepped on.</p><p>In that respect - I have a few deal breaker boundaries that cannot be crossed which are:</p><p></p><p>No inappropriate opposite sex friendship (obviously I have to set this boundary because he can't set his own self-boundary for it - he over stepped it by what he did).</p><p>Ever does it again - I'm out, no second chances</p><p>Complete open, transparent honesty - brutal honesty in fact.</p><p>If I have to ask the same questions about the affair, no matter how many times I've asked (and I don't often, once in awhile) then he should be willing to do so.</p><p>No trickle truthing - give it to me straight - how much more can one do to hurt someone than they already have in this case right.</p><p>Tell me where you are going, how long you're going to be and check in once in a while (especially if going to be late)</p><p>Should be willing to give all passwords to all online accounts for my use at my discretion - he no longer has any privacy - he gave that up when he did what he did - in return he has all of mine too.</p><p>We have to relationship talk at least once a week and check into the relationship every day.</p><p>If I have trigger and I get peeved (by the way my PTSD is because of the affair) about it or upset and cry then he needs to be understanding about that. I can't help having triggers (Adele's Someone like you makes me go ape poo poo - I hate...no DESPISE that song - it's the biggest trigger I have)</p><p></p><p>There is so much more than the above. For the most part he has put in the work for the above. It's just a few things that happen to be major things that he hasn't lifted a sock about. My needs I spelled out very carefully and very precisely. I want date night once a month, I want more affection, more intimacy, more emotional conversations. 4 things he drags his feet on. As for his stupidity the other day, men say really dumb **** sometimes. After that night when I spelled it out with an ultimatum (6 months to meet me full tilt or I say see ya) I think he's finally getting it - not fully yet but starting to.</p><p></p><p>He surprised me with a few comments and showed me in words that he was starting to understand (freaking slow bum but better slow than never). I'm still cautious and still sticking to my ultimatum. If I don't need money for the first and last then we've saved up for something else like a rainy day savings account. This is his very last chance to pull up his socks, dig in to the elbows and pull his weight as a husband and man.</p><p></p><p>He's always - ALWAYS been a fantastic father. Oh and I'm the one who earns the majority of the income in our household (he's about 600 a month I earn about 4200 so going it on my own is no issue).</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mamaof5, post: 508495"] I need to address a few points made by some: 1. I've tried 4 counselling sessions - did sweet nothing for me except make me feel worse. 2. Because of the environment of the relationship - other non-family females on his friends lists (where he met his affair partner - on FB) are a boundary I've said is a deal breaker if stepped over. I set my personal boundaries (this being one of them) because I had to. That is a deal breaker for me (never was until he screwed up). It means if he can't respect my boundaries as his wife and a person then I can't stay. I will not be stepped on. In that respect - I have a few deal breaker boundaries that cannot be crossed which are: No inappropriate opposite sex friendship (obviously I have to set this boundary because he can't set his own self-boundary for it - he over stepped it by what he did). Ever does it again - I'm out, no second chances Complete open, transparent honesty - brutal honesty in fact. If I have to ask the same questions about the affair, no matter how many times I've asked (and I don't often, once in awhile) then he should be willing to do so. No trickle truthing - give it to me straight - how much more can one do to hurt someone than they already have in this case right. Tell me where you are going, how long you're going to be and check in once in a while (especially if going to be late) Should be willing to give all passwords to all online accounts for my use at my discretion - he no longer has any privacy - he gave that up when he did what he did - in return he has all of mine too. We have to relationship talk at least once a week and check into the relationship every day. If I have trigger and I get peeved (by the way my PTSD is because of the affair) about it or upset and cry then he needs to be understanding about that. I can't help having triggers (Adele's Someone like you makes me go ape poo poo - I hate...no DESPISE that song - it's the biggest trigger I have) There is so much more than the above. For the most part he has put in the work for the above. It's just a few things that happen to be major things that he hasn't lifted a sock about. My needs I spelled out very carefully and very precisely. I want date night once a month, I want more affection, more intimacy, more emotional conversations. 4 things he drags his feet on. As for his stupidity the other day, men say really dumb **** sometimes. After that night when I spelled it out with an ultimatum (6 months to meet me full tilt or I say see ya) I think he's finally getting it - not fully yet but starting to. He surprised me with a few comments and showed me in words that he was starting to understand (freaking slow bum but better slow than never). I'm still cautious and still sticking to my ultimatum. If I don't need money for the first and last then we've saved up for something else like a rainy day savings account. This is his very last chance to pull up his socks, dig in to the elbows and pull his weight as a husband and man. He's always - ALWAYS been a fantastic father. Oh and I'm the one who earns the majority of the income in our household (he's about 600 a month I earn about 4200 so going it on my own is no issue). [/QUOTE]
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