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Substance Abuse
7 months on...i'm back
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 746579" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I guess I am wondering here what mistakes you made that would have been so bad. Each of us reacts. Each of us gets emotional. Each of us makes decisions based upon of our needs and self-interest.</p><p></p><p>But more to the point, the question is how do we forgive ourselves and let this go, and not be defined by this failure on our part, that we perceive?</p><p></p><p>In my own life I am finding this to be the stumbling block. My difficulty letting go.</p><p>Good. It is <em>very </em>hard. You are not abandoning him. You are supporting him to grow up.</p><p></p><p>___</p><p></p><p>I went away for an hour and I thought about your post. I am thinking here that anybody when they are abused and stay subjected to it, will act like an abused person. Like the Stockholm Syndrome, when somebody is kidnapped and begins to identify with their kidnappers and look to them for protection, like what happened to Patty Hearst in my country so many years ago.</p><p></p><p>With our kids, the basic part of motherhood is wanting to protect them, feeling the intense need to nurture them and the responsibility to support them to arrive to a functional and worthy adulthood. And those of us here, are failing at this. We keep believing that we are failing, and we try and try and try. Until we feel we have become our child's victim. And we have.</p><p></p><p>And even that, sometimes, becomes preferable than to face that nothing can do will help our child or to restore our sense that we were good enough mothers. I think that the only way to face and move beyond this is to do what you are doing, to do the right thing, with the hope that the feelings will follow. And realize that that the feelings are NOT the main event.</p><p></p><p>Not only did you not cause this, you can't make it better. Or more to the point, only he can. And any action by you that pushes him to a position where he has to take responsibility for himself and his behavior, is the right thing, I believe.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 746579, member: 18958"] I guess I am wondering here what mistakes you made that would have been so bad. Each of us reacts. Each of us gets emotional. Each of us makes decisions based upon of our needs and self-interest. But more to the point, the question is how do we forgive ourselves and let this go, and not be defined by this failure on our part, that we perceive? In my own life I am finding this to be the stumbling block. My difficulty letting go. Good. It is [I]very [/I]hard. You are not abandoning him. You are supporting him to grow up. ___ I went away for an hour and I thought about your post. I am thinking here that anybody when they are abused and stay subjected to it, will act like an abused person. Like the Stockholm Syndrome, when somebody is kidnapped and begins to identify with their kidnappers and look to them for protection, like what happened to Patty Hearst in my country so many years ago. With our kids, the basic part of motherhood is wanting to protect them, feeling the intense need to nurture them and the responsibility to support them to arrive to a functional and worthy adulthood. And those of us here, are failing at this. We keep believing that we are failing, and we try and try and try. Until we feel we have become our child's victim. And we have. And even that, sometimes, becomes preferable than to face that nothing can do will help our child or to restore our sense that we were good enough mothers. I think that the only way to face and move beyond this is to do what you are doing, to do the right thing, with the hope that the feelings will follow. And realize that that the feelings are NOT the main event. Not only did you not cause this, you can't make it better. Or more to the point, only he can. And any action by you that pushes him to a position where he has to take responsibility for himself and his behavior, is the right thing, I believe. [/QUOTE]
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