7 months on...i'm back

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lost in sadness, Feb 5, 2019.

  1. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    It has been a long time since I have posted. I felt like I was living on this site and there was always a new drama or a story to tell so I had to take a break.
    Some may remember my stories and I see, sadly, there are new members whose stories I have tried to catch up on.

    I am not sure if things are really any better although it would be wrong to not acknowledge the positives as well as the messes. There is just so much, I do not know where to start but I have to get this out. I am sorry it is long.

    My son moved back home last June after he was thrown out of his girlfriends house. Reluctantly because he had a job and could not be on the streets we said he could come back for a couple of months and get financially straight. He is still here!!!

    I love him dearly but we simply do not get along and it is getting worse and worse and I am starting to feel unwell again. I know you all warned me but I felt obligated to help.

    He did lose the job he had….again but managed to secure another two months later when I told him I had had enough of him dosing about the house. Already the signs are showing again where he calls in sick, is always late etc. Today is the start of a permanent contract and he has rang in sick!!! I am livid.

    I will now list the other issues and maybe some kind members could offer any insight or guidance.

    - He still smokes copious amounts of weed

    - He has no respect in the house in terms of timings, noise levels etc and says “I’m 20 and can do what I like”

    -Comes in late and then starts cooking, no regards for the fact we are in bed. Eats the food in his room and leaves the plates on floor. Wear 5/6 items of clothing a day and I wash and iron it all!

    - We cannot go out without him having people in the house despite being told not too.

    -You may remember my last post was about going on holiday and whether I could trust him. You were all right we came home to drink all up the walls and a hole in one of our doors!

    -The ex girlfriend is having a baby in 6 weeks and he is likely to be the dad (DNA pending) ARGH!!!

    - We had one drug dealer knock on the door and we gave him a warning.

    - The police at the door at 4.30am arresting him for rape (false allegation, now cleared)

    - He pays not a penny in rent – the deal was to not pay rent but pay his debt off instead. In 8 months he has earnt £9,900 and paid £700 off of debt. Where is the rest???!! Always a excuse. Didn't even get a card off of him for Christmas but he took the £600 worth of presents off of me and lied saying the presents were at home for us.

    -Lie lie lie lie lie lie

    -He helps himself to what he wants from our beers to hairspray to my husbands aftershave.

    -He asked if his new girlfriend could stay over one night and we said yes and now she goes home one night in 14!! She doesn’t speak to us at all and my son would never leave her alone with us for some reason, She does as she is told by him.
    I have told him it needs to stop and he gets angry as he needs her to take him to work. What happened to getting the bus?

    -He has a terrible temper and still gets angry, shouts and can become abusive. (Usually when any of the above is challenged or if you ever tell him NO)

    I am sick to death of the drama with him, there is always something! Usually following a night out, beaten up or some rubbish. He appears to need drink and drugs in his life to cope with all of the messes which somehow he manages to create.

    My issue is….he is working….in there is a good boy and bits are better so I am not sure he has done anything SO terrible I need to throw him out…BUT, I am simply on edge around him, we do not get along, he is not taking responsibility or sticking to the agreements. If we give an inch, he takes a mile. He is told about stuff and gets back in line briefly before reverting back again. My husband says he is taking the pi** out of me and is a manipulative little sh*t. Sadly I agree. I love him but I do not like him.

    Yesterday I asked for some money he promised me and he flipped his lid screaming at me that I was horrible, arrogant, making him ill, giving him nightmares etc. Slammed his way out of the house. Returned hours later as if nothing had happened and I am still a wreck. My husband says he has to go!

    I don’t know where he will go, how he will afford it or manage and I would hate him to feel he is not loved or wanted but he is simply not moving forwards with life. I am terrified about how he will cope being a dad!

    Actually having wrote this and read it back……not much has changed at all other than he generally goes to work albeit late he doesn’t call me a c*nt anymore :(
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    The screaming, disrespect, not paying rent, the girlfriend sleepisg iniyour home, smoking weed in your house is all enough to make him leave in my world. I could not live that way. End of story.

    You seem afraid of him. If so he knows this.

    We told you what would happen, not to hurt you but to give you a heads up. None of us are obligated to care for adults and your son is a man, not a boy and if he is a good man he is hiding it right now. Doesnt mean he isnt a good person underneath everything else, but he just wont show it for now. Or needs help and won't get any.

    These types of adults promise a lot but are not interested in the future and dont follow through with planning. Talking with them usually does no good. We care more than they do. We cant make them think like us.

    I gave advice before and wont insult you by doing so again. These are my observations. And my beliefs. To me our house is our sanctuary.

    I hope you can decide how you want to handle this so that you can be at peace, whatever that means for you.

    Love and light
    • Winner Winner x 4
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2019
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I'm so sorry your son is doing these things.

    I personally would not live like that. Period.

    I hope that you are strong enough to take your life back.

    This does not mean that you do not love him.

    Hugs for your peace and strength.
    • Agree Agree x 4
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  4. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Look at the list of offenses you listed that he is guilty of then think about the next statement. "Not sure he has done anything SO terrible I need to throw him out"?? My house, my rules, I don't give a damn how old you are. If I were to have to move in with my parents I would obey their rules which, I'm quite certain, would include a curfew and I qualify to retire this year! Read the sticky post on detachment. Its a life saver. Like it or not, he is a grown man and his life is just that, HIS life. Let him go out and make of it what he will. Whether that be success or failure is ENTIRELY up to him. You aren't doing him any favors by coddling him. Not trying to sound harsh but your situation sounds very similar to that of me and my wife and cutting him off was all that helped. About the only thing you haven't listed that happened to us was stealing from us and you hint at that with the "He helps himself to what he wants" statement.
    • Winner Winner x 3
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • List
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    This says everything, part of our issue when our adult kids go off the rails is that old F.ear, O.bligation, G.uilt. Fog. It shrouds our hearts and minds and makes us put up with stuff we would not put up with, if this was not our child. If this were a stranger, you would not allow this in your home.
    There lies the challenge.
    The list you provided is horrible, Lost, just horrible. When our two were in and out the revolving door, it was similar. A never ending circus of drama. My home was not my sanctuary, I didn’t want to be home.
    Hubs and I felt obligated to help. Our helping did nothing to change their course. They just kept on the same path and dragged us along for the hellish ride.
    Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with.
    What I have learned is that love says no. It’s not always easy, but the alternative for me is unacceptable. The alternative is opening my door to be disrespected, walk on eggshells, lock my purse in my truck, come home from work to a mess, or a gaggle of druggy “friends” helping themselves to whatever. No. Sorry, not sorry.
    A good quote I read along time ago that started me on the road to taking my life back
    “What you allow, will continue.”
    I will be 60 soon. I am blessed with good health. I hope to live the best rest of my life. While it is difficult having two wayward adult children doing God only knows what out there, it is much more difficult having them in my home doing much the same, wreaking havoc in my house. That is unacceptable. It is not selfish to say “No more”, it is self preservation.
    You matter, Lost, peace in your home, matters.
    Ps- It took me going to a therapist to take steps to grab my life back. Perhaps that would be a help for you?
    • Winner Winner x 5
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  6. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    He's either missing work due to anxiety, or because the pot is making him lazy. I would ask him about possible anxiety issues. He might need counseling. The missing work problem seems to be a pattern.

    He doesn't respect your property. Holes in the wall, food left out, unsanitary conditions.

    If dope dealers are ringing your doorbell, it's not safe. He needs to leave. Just tell him you fear for your life. If pot is not legal in your state, and your son is using inside the house, the DA has the power to seize your property. It doesn't matter whether he's selling or not. This is happening a lot where I live. Your son has exposed everyone else in the household to the criminal element, which is dangerous.
  7. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you all so much for your honest (and frank) advice. I was reminded of the support I found here previously and again today. For that I am grateful.
    I must have sensed a storm that made me reach out......today he lost that job.
    I cannot tell you the heartache I felt/feel. I was resolved that he must leave. That he had a job, money and he must find his own way. Now I feel 'stuck'.
    My daughter came home from school today and got into a terrible fight with him and he called her a c*nt, reared up to her and hit her door. She was alone and scared of him. She is devastated and quite frankly looks ill. She took herself to bed. I am torn as he has his side to the story also. Either way it cannot continue.
    I will look for somewhere for him to go even if I pay myself for the first month and let him sort himself out. It feels so painful that he still says I choose my husband over him and that he is my son and I treat him badly and have pushed him out. I feel guilty, I question myself if this is true but feel sure it is manipulation. Either way, it doesn't sit well with me that he would feel unloved and alone in this world.
    I have texted his girlfriend and told her directly she cannot stay.
    Not a good day. Thank you all! xx
    PS, I am listening. Truly. its just so hard. xx
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I have a very strong opinion about him attacking and scaring your daughter.

    Do you want HER to leave and resent you forever for putting him before her safety? Is that okay with you? Because it could very well happen. She must feel very upset, even angry at him and you.

    I did not know you had another child. Since you do and since Son had the gall to call her a horrid name and attack her in my opinion you have no choice but to get him gone and now. There is no other side of the story that matters other than his scary behavior. He was the aggressive one. Why on earth would you let him stay after that? She is your child too and she needs your protection.

    Your son is making his own life hell and he is taking you and his sister with him. And you should chose your husband over a grown adult child so there is nothing to feel guilty about.

    Please protect your girl. If any of my boys had ever done this to either of my daughters, I can not tell you how fast they would have been.gone, assisted by the cops if necessary. Usually boys are a lot bigger and stronger than girls and there is no excuse.

    I dont get how you can tolerate how he acted .I mean no offense to you but I am very angry at your son.

    Hoping you can think of a way to be safe and at peace. Sorry if I crossed a boundary. I send you all my love, hugs and prayers. You have your hands full. So sad.
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh my. I don't know where to begin. Before your last post, I was concerned about you. Now I am scared for your daughter. You are putting a minor in an unsafe environment. You could even have her taken away from you by CPS.

    Your son is an adult. Yes, he is still young but remember that 20-year-olds have fought and died for their country. He is legally an adult and has showed that he will not follow your rules. He needs to leave. NOW. There are shelters he could go to if he doesn't have a job. You will be surprised how quickly he lands on his feet if you make him leave. I am always amazed at how resourceful our troubled loved ones are when they need to be.

    You have made it very easy for him to live at home and still do whatever he wants to do. You said:

    Why in the world are you washing and ironing his clothes? Is someone holding a gun to your head? Stop. Just stop. Let the laundry pile up in his room. Eventually he will wash it or go naked. His problem.

    Better yet, tell him it is time to go. Tell him that you will not allow him to speak to his sister like he did or frighten her and he is putting her in danger by having drug dealers come to your home and that is why he has to leave. You would have to check into how things work in your state but you can probably get a temporary restraining order because he is endangering your daughter and deputies will come to your house to make him leave. We had to do that with our daughter when she refused to go to rehab.

    I know that you love him. He is your son. But right now he is not showing you any respect and is walking all over you and will continue to do so as long as you let him do that. As long as he is using drugs, he is not the sweet boy that you remember.

    Someone said something in a post a long time ago that really resonated with me. People will treat you the way that you let them treat you. Only you can put a stop to this.

    I'm glad that you came back to the SA forum. We are telling you these things because we have been there, done that. My daughter lied, stole, cursed at us, and scared her sister. It took two years of private therapy until my husband and I were finally ready to take a stand and stop letting our daughter take advantage of us. We had to get to the point where we were willing to let her be homeless. That was the point she became serious about recovery.

    She will be celebrating her 3rd year of sobriety in March and is a totally different person now that loves and respects us. She was just like your son at 18. Don't wait twelve years like we did to learn to set firm boundaries and stick to them.

    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I just reread your post and noticed that you are not American. I don't know what the laws are in your country about making your son leave.

    Surely, there is something you can do legally to make him leave your home if he is endangering another child in the home. It is certainly something to check out.
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Honestly, all my kids including my autistic son, could and often did their own laundry by twelve. They did not complain. They could cook, clean etc. I would not do that for even a nice 20 year old. Adults need to adult. I tried to teach all my kids to be able to take care of themselves. It turned out to be a good thing.

    I was one of those who has said here that we are treated as badly as we allow an abusuve person to treat us. It is in large part on us to stop it. If we dont it doesnt stop. It can get worse. We stop it by setting very difficult boundaries that sometimes make us cry. But I don't think its good for a family member who is unstable and mean to be able to scare everyone else.

    I allowed some family to keep abusing me because I loved them, but I regret it and now I am done with the one still alive.

    We know, even if we try to deny it in our broken hearts, when a loved one is not going to be kind to us.

    Even when we love somebody as much as a child, i feel we have a responsibility to keep other beloved children safe from anyone who is dangerous to that child. Yes, I feel we have to pick sides when abuse is in the picture. Would you have allowed a stranger to treat your daughter like your son did in your home?

    Why is it different because he is her brother and your son? On many levels I think that his being her brother makes it more traumatic and probably causes more resentment in her.

    One day you very well may hear an angry daughter say, "You always put him first and never protected me!"

    Only you can change how he treats the rest of you and whether or not he lives there. Me, I am worried about the daughter. If adults tolerate being treated badly and abused so be it. But not another child, even if the child is NOT a minor.

    Last edited: Feb 6, 2019
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but he is acting horribly. I could not believe what you are tolerating. He is like doing one thing right, working.

    But he seems to be screwing that up. His disrespect, his abuse, his insolence, his lack of boundaries and consideration, his screaming at you, his unwillingness to hear how he is affecting you, and turning it against you, making himself your victim, his utter lack of gratitude or reciprocity, his apparent lack of caring and love, violating your rules and bringing people to your house to party, who destroy and sully your place, exposing you to drug dealers at your own home, impregnating women and running to the next one...I could go on and on.

    I don't know your culture, and maybe it is greatly different than my own...but it seems as if you are second-guessing yourself...you know he is mistreating you...you know how you feel...you feel it in your gut. This is making you physically ill. You are walking on eggshells in your own home. Why oh why are you catering to him, washing the clothing of a man who is treating you like this?

    I am not judging you. I am nobody to judge. I am trying to get you to see and honor what you are feeling, and act to protect yourself and to demand basic human dignity. It is almost as if you feel guilty for asking for a crumb. Why?

    I am so very sorry you are suffering like this. But you are not helping your son, permitting he treat you and his family (or anybody) this way. This is a young man who is out of control. Regrettably he needs to be curbed, but I believe it is too late for the discipline of a parent to have any effect. I don't know how you or anybody could tolerate more of this.
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  13. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    You have not crossed a boundary at all. I value your opinion despite I have never met you. Something about you gives me hope and comfort and your frank way of taking is the very reason I am back here. I apologised to my daughter this morning that she is exposed to this and promised her I was making steps to change this she looked at me kind of emptily and touched my hand. I have allowed her off school today as she is behind on work too and its taking its toll. She didn't want to be in the house so I took her to a friends as I have had to come to work. I felt sad when she said "why can't I have a normal brother like my friends. One that buys me a milkshake rather than calls me a c*unt". I felt so sad.
  14. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I do not feel judged by anyone on this site. Your words give me strength and they are, of course, all true! I know he is mistreating me. I know he uses me. I know he is only ok if he is ok. I know I walk on eggshells. I know all of these things yet I cannot find the courage to let him go. Sometimes he is lovely. I realise its usually when I am saying yes. I wash his clothes and buy him things so he looks nice and smells nice so I don't have to be embarrassed of him. So I feel ok. Sad isn't it? I kind of feel sorry for him and I have no idea why. He is always playing the victim and he always blames me for everything and he is so convincing, I doubt myself. I work as a psychotherapist, a job that is very hard right now and I know it is the stuff I have learnt that plays a part here. Its the nature/ nurture thing and I cannot help but feel to blame for the way he is. I feel guilty that my own inadequacies in the early years of parenting have made him the way he is. I have lost control, got angry, said mean and hurtful things. It is me that has damaged him. It is my fault. I know this does not excuse some of this stuff but I feel I am abandoning him as his mother. I am guilty. :(
  15. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Hi Kathy
    Thank you for your messages. I am in the UK so I guess there are some differences. There is no other options for him to go at the moment. Homelessness is a real problem here. He went to a young peoples homeless hostel year before last and even got thrown out of there by not abiding the rules. The council won't help him again. Its like he doesn't see that rules apply to him. Time and time again he repeats the cycle.
    My husband and I are looking for a house share that doesn't need references and thats where he will go and have to find his way from there. My husband is currently working away and so it is just my daughter and I in the week. This is adding to his behavior because he thinks he can. I know he treats me as I allow and I have to stop. We have a very toxic relationship and sometimes I stoop as low as him with my words. I am ashamed I am no stronger. What example does this set? These are the reasons it is so hard but I am determined to break free from this cycle. Maybe then, one day we can grow our relationship. Thank you for your support. xx
  16. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much, Lost. And you did great with your daughter. She is innocent and in my opinion only needs to feel safe and peaceful in the family home. it is too easy to give the loud one who.is hurting people the attention. But again just in my opinion it hurts the other children to fear the wrath of a member who lives with them. Violence in my opinion is so damaging and scary to kids. Even older kids.

    I am 65 and have emotionally let go of my family but I still have memories....I remember my parents screaming and yelling, throwing things, and my mom baiting my angry dad up in his face every Sunday morning. Why Sunday? Fortunately he was only home Sundays (workaholic) so it became a Sunday ritual of both of them to fight at their scary worst.

    I would watch and be so scared. I was super sensitive too. No child needs that. It is damaging.

    Your childhood can follow you throughout the years, eerily so. You can help your daughter heal NOW. Your son is more of a crapshoot. Dont please take your daughter down with him.

    in my opinion you as s family need a break from your son. You need to heal and he needs a chance to heal, but he doesnt have to live at home for that. There must be places for out of control teens. Where he can live until majority.

    But I believe you said you are in the UK. I could be wrong but isnt the age of majority in the UK age 16? If so....there still must be options.

    I hope you keep us posted!

    Wishing all of you the best! You have a very loving heart.
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2019
  17. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't believe that a single one of us on the board hasn't lost control, gotten angry, and said mean and hurtful things to our substance abusing loved ones. I know I have done every one of those things. Parents are human and reach a breaking point and as things spiral out of control we can get out of control.

    Stop blaming yourself. Your daughter is nothing like your son. You have raised them both. Think about that. My two daughters were as different as night and day but were both raised by the same set of parents in the same home with the same rules. One became a drug addict, one was a superstar athlete and has a great career today. So do I get blame or credit?

    I firmly believe genetics and nurturing are factors in how our kids turn out. Could I have done a better job with my older daughter? Sure. Would it have changed her path to addiction? We have a family history of addiction on both sides of the family so I will never know.

    Another board saying is that we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. Start dealing with the here and now. Your son is treating you and your daughter horribly and refuses to follow the rules. It is time for him to leave.

    If you can't do that in your country, you can at least stop enabling him and making his life easy. Stop cooking for him, cleaning for him, and doing his laundry. Those are things adults do and since he tells you he is an adult, believe him. Also, do not give him any money! You are paying for his drugs if you do.

    My younger daughter has a lot of resentment for the time and money we spent on our older daughter while she was in active addiction. Even today, they have a strained relationship. She, too, used to ask why she couldn't have a normal sister like all of her friends. It has a lifelong impact.

    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2019
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Sometimes in life there is no good solution and we have to find the better of the bad.

    The thing is, this is abuse. You are being abused. And, please forgive me for this, you are exhibiting some of the characteristics of a woman (or child) who has been abused. You are blaming yourself. You feel powerless. It's hard to stay centered inside yourself. You seek to placate him so that he stops. You tell yourself if you are a good mother (good child), if you act better, and stop acting badly, the abuser will stop. You look for the one good thing in the abuser to idealize, and try to shut out all of the other reality. Feeling "I deserve it" because I caused it. Difficulty coping. You feel the shame of the situation. I feel great empathy and understanding for all of this, can you feel it for yourself?

    All of this is abuse or its effect:
    I can't help but wonder if in your own childhood or earlier life somebody mistreated you. I share many of these same issues. Finally, and I am much older than you, I am going to a therapist that works with traumatized people through focusing on residual trauma that is held in the body, so that it can be processed and we can come to feel ourselves in life more authentically and with greater worth and efficacy. None of this is your fault.

    I think the idea of helping your son get other housing is a very good start, but I hope you decide to get some support too, for you.
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2019
  19. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    I love this! SO very true!

    This is a good measuring stick to use. If you wouldn't let a stranger do this to you they WHY let a loved one?!?!

    I've worked for Corrections for going on 27 years and can assure you that Nature Vs Nurture is completely and utterly irrelevant! I've had inmates tell me straight up that their parents did everything right and that there was no family history of drug use or mental health disorders. They simply chose to do the things they did. NEVER blame yourself for someone else's actions. What I do is on me, what they do is on them.
    • Winner Winner x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  20. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Another thing that resonates with me is that we (as moms/dads) CANNOT fix this!! We cannot!!

    I remember when the light bulb finally went off in my head realizing that!!! I wish I could say that I accepted that wholeheartedly but it took me a very long time to "get it".

    We are moms/parents and we should be able to fix everything!!

    I get it now.