back after a few years

[bluebell]

Thank you all! I got a really bad Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) (I always do this after one of my son's stunts, even before cancer). I was really sick but feeling better now. Truth is stranger than fiction when it comes to my son. He's living with someone he works with apparently and it looks like he has made a friend in jail because he is paying for phone calls. I looked the guy up and he's a 45 year old schizophrenic career criminal with the same charges.
And, please don't take this the wrong way but my son is VERY much against homosexuality and he is a racist white male. The guy he's living with is gay and this guy in jail is black. I'm so confused and scared for the individual he is living with.

 

[MommaTried24]

my son is VERY much against homosexuality and he is a racist white male.

Glad you're feeling better bluebell. Your son sounds like my son. He was living with a gay guy too but the gay guy died while my son was in jail for 5 months. I think it's better when we don't know where they are or who they're with. I had mine blocked for 3 years up until about 8 months ago. I should have kept it that way a while longer. I've had a rough day with mine calling and ruining my birthday with his drama. Either way, in touch or not in touch, it's so hard.

Sending you a hug and I hope you stay well!

 

[bluebell]

@MommaTried24 I'm so sorry about your birthday. My son ruined mine this last year too. It's hard to keep saying 'there's always next year' when we are all getting older.

 

[MommaTried24]

Amen sister! I said at least it wasn't my 60th! Just turned 59 so yeah next year. LOL!

 

[bluebell]

Just an update, my son was hounding me about the charges he received thru texts, what was going to happen him, etc. I told him to get a lawyer. He said he couldn't afford one. He's living with someone and still working (amazingly), so I told him he needs to call one and see what they charge (how would I know?). So he did and he's been put on a payment plan. This is so hard, it's not like his other charges that were DWI or drug related, these are ones where me and my family are the victims! My instinct is to help him, but I'm not sure I'm the right person to do this, it seems duplicitous. And I feel like I have to stay angry with him to keep myself from swooping in, but the anger is not good for my health. I just don't know what to do, and I'm sure the next crisis is right around the corner.

 

[bluebell]

And he keeps asking if we have lifted the no contact order. Is he living in a dreamland? It's not like he's apologized or anything. He just says he was blackout drunk, but when I mentioned he almost killed his dad, he said 'Noone almost died'. How does he know if he was blackout drunk? He knew enough to ask the cop for his wallet and work badge before they drove off, so I'm thinking there was some level of awareness.....

 

[MommaTried24]

My son hit me with his fist after he broke the rule and got drunk at my house the night before. I kept my word that he'd be homeless if he drank again under my roof so I drove him two hours to drop him at his dad's. That was almost 4 years ago and he was stone cold sober that day. Swears he didn't hit me and says he doesn't remember it? I would do exactly what you and your husband are doing if he ever did it again. Stay strong! Violence is unacceptable in any and all circumstances.

 

[bluebell]

Thanks, I guess he is not as stable as I thought, he just checked in to a hotel. Why does my heart hurt so bad for someone who tried to destroy me? This is so hard!

 

[MommaTried24]

Because we are mothers. We carried them and gave birth to them, loved, protected and cared for all of their needs from day one. I believe that causes us to have this invisible umbilical cord for life. I agree this is so hard but you are not alone. Mine has epilepsy too so it feels even harder. I'm praying for you to keep your strength. I just keep reminding myself how fast my son always turns on me after everything I've sacrificed and done for him. He at least owes me respect and a sincere apology and I can't even get that? Stay the course! What we allow will continue.

 

[bluebell]

Thank you! I haven't posted in a couple of weeks but I just felt something was going on. Women's (mother's) intuition is strange isn't it?

 

[MommaTried24]

It most certainly is. Again, I believe it's that invisible umbilical cord that keeps us connected for life and gives us that intuition. Glad you keep coming back. The support here is phenomenal! Try and think of yourself today and have a good day! You deserve it.

 

[bluebell]

Hello everyone,
I don't have any updates on my son's front, except that he is still working (amazing) and living with whoever still. He's hired a lawyer at great expense and decided to take a couple of days off and go on a trip 3 hours away by himself to 'get away'.
In the meantime, I have been dealing with my 88 year old father who has been in nursing home for 2 years (I'm POA) in and out of hospital. He went back to the home on Saturday from ICU on hospice. I'm terribly depressed and need help, we just watched my 90+ year old mother in law die last year in a very protracted fashion and my dad is doing the same.
My last breast cancer treatment was Wednesday and I should be happy but I'm not. Trying to work with all of this going on is a bit much, but we are all on the chopping block so I have to.
Thanks for letting me vent. I'm more mad at my son than ever now. Such unnecessary bs he brings into the world when there is more than enough already.

 

[PatHas]

Guys,
I can't believe I am back here. My son I thought was doing better, he has gotten off the hard drugs, graduated college (with a lot of help and nagging) with honors, took him over a year to look for and find a job that he started two months ago. He was living with my mother in law since 2020 because of her dementia issues - he didn't really help much but he was a presence. Well, she died in 5/23 and we waited and waited for him to find a job and move out but he wouldn't so we had to sell the house last week and move him back in. He could not find a lease with such a brief work history. The plan was to save money and move out in the fall. He hit a pothole on his way to work also last week (he works night shifts) and my husband picked him up on side of road and arranged towing, etch and has been driving him back and forth until he can get it fixed - it should be ready this week and cost over $3k.

Saturday night he got drunk and started trying to hook his computer up to a television in my office that is not stable - it is not screwed to the base. It fell and broke his computer. We heard the crash, my husband went in to check and he seemed to be ok. But 5 minutes later I see his phone light waltzing down the hall and he let go. Assaulted my husband and threatened to kill him for breaking his computer. My daughter got in the middle and he pushed her too to get to my husband. He tore his shirt and grabbed him by the neck. Something similar happened 10 years ago but my husband defended himself and also got charges so he was steadfast in not touching him. I called 911 and police were there quickly! He has several dv misdemeanor charges and a felony for terroristic threatening we saw on the inmate roster.

So my dilemma is this - a friend says he will probably have to pay bail to get out since it's a felony. Can he bail himself out? Noone else well. He has ZERO friends (the one good thing I thought about him getting 'clean' from hard drugs). I mean - it's a long shot anyway that he could keep this job - but he will lose it if he has to stay in jail for over a month awaiting trial. Should I even care? I have been in savior mode with this kid - getting him through college, finding a job, etc etc I don't know how to stop. I was diagnosed with breast cancer last July and I am having a full day of scans today to determine if I can stop treatment so I am having a hard time dealing with all of this. My diagnosis really made me more anxious about his future, since mine could be shortened. Please give me some sort of guidance on how to move forward every day and letting go of all of my efforts these past years to get him on track. I need help!

Sorr I’m so late replying. You have major health problems and you need to try to detach from your son. You will always love him, but you don’t need to take his abuse. My daughter is 56 years old. She has never been diagnosed with Borderline (BPD), but she has all of the symptoms. I have tried to get her help for her mental illness for years, but she refuses. I have been her savior for most of those 56 years. About 12 years ago I was taking chemotherapy and was very sick and fatigued from the treatment. My daughter called me one day and told me she could no longer have a relationship with me because I didn’t seem happy the last time she saw me; I had just finished a round of chemo and I was physically ill. She couldn’t seem to comprehend that. I thought to myself, where is my support system when I could have used a little uplifting ? I have tried to be there for her in every crisis (which is not normally a crisis in most people’s minds). She has an illness and I have tried to be there for her, but she is never ever, ever there for me and she makes what I’m going through 10 times worse. So I started detaching. Sometimes I have relapses and am hopeful I can help her, but I have to keep reminding myself that her and I together is like a nuclear bomb going off and I have to stop myself . God Speed and please take care of yourself