A battle lost

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by clive, Oct 6, 2010.

  1. clive

    clive Clive

    After about 4 years of struggling with our daughter's various substance abuse and (increasingly serious) behavioral problems, it looked like she had FINALLY hit "rock bottom" (after several "rock bottoms," which progressively got worse with each incident). With an ultimatum from us to either go to rehab or get out of the house, she agreed to rehab. We got her into a well-regarded facility, and began to feel a great weight lifted. A different kind of weight came upon us when we started to realize some of the massive financial details of this rehab, but... we decided to do what had to be done.

    The first phase of her stay was detox. To cut to the chase, about 24 hours after she had begun this phase, she called me and told me she was leaving the facility. They were giving her drugs around the clock that (in her opinion) she didn't need, that were making her feel worse, and that (again her way of thinking) they were giving her these drugs to make her sick so she would have to stay there. I wasn't surprised that I got a call like this from her--I told her to please give it a chance, it's not supposed to be easy, it will get better, and be worth it in the long run, etc etc... After about 2 minutes into the call, her minutes expired, and we were disconnected. (side note: I had purchased 60 minutes of phone time for her... this was the FIRST time she had used the phone time to call me--and she hadn't called any other family member. Which tells me that she had used about 58 of those minutes calling her friend--the one with a car.)

    So, that evening as I was sitting in a class, I got a message on my phone "She's home." By the time I got home, she had spent a couple hours pouring out her heart to her mother and brothers, trying to win them over and convince them that things would be different this time, she had had a huge revelation or something along those lines, and has instantly embraced sobriety, and can do it without any help from rehab or counseling.

    And a great weight that had been lifted, is slowly returning.
  2. Mamaof5

    Mamaof5 Guest

    I'm sorry Clive. (((HUGS))) I don't have any advice but I do have experience with a father who is an addict. He ultimately chose his addictions over his children and grandchildren. If there's anything I can do, talk about that with her, tell what it's like to have a family member chose addiction over family, the repercussions, the pain, the end result (being abandonment on his part and painful disassociation on mine) I'm more than happy to help where I can.
  3. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry, Clive. I hope you and your wife are involved in Al-Anon or something similar so you can get some real-life support as you go through this (again!). Please take care of yourselves.
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Clive. Where will she stay?
  5. clive

    clive Clive

    We were attending Families Anonymous meetings, and found them very helpful, but we got busy with school and other things, so we haven't gone for awhile. We'll be looking into it again.

    Where will she be staying? That's in negotiation right now. I know that's the wrong answer! But... we're proceeding with caution, trying to come up with a plan.
  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Sorry to hear that she thinks she knows best.
    Families Anonymous is a good resource for you and your wife.
    So difficult.
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm sorry. :(

  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I'm so very sorry. Sounds like she's still in denial.
  9. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    We are here for you. Do begin Families Anonymous meetings again. We too found that we had to exhaust every possible option before we could take the necessary stands. Whatever we did, our son continued sliding downhill. When he did clean up, it was on his own. There are still problems.

    Posting here will help you maintain a healthy perspective.

    Wishing you and your daughter and family well.

  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I'm so sorry. It is beyond words.
    I know it is difficult to attend FA right now, but consider the alternative....the great pain and lack of local support.
    Try not to miss too many meetings. It is in your best interest to attend.
  11. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Great - if she can do it on her own, let her try one last time. But, make her promise if she uses again she must do it your way this time.
  12. Bean

    Bean Member

    Clive, I'm sorry. And I can see how this puts you in a sticky situation. We seem to be walking many parallels. My daughter is claiming that she's made a change, and is wanting to get out of the living situation she is in to work on her changed perspective. I'm not entirely sure how that works for the rest of us.