A bit of concern

[flutterbee]

I might be getting ahead of myself, but want to be prepared.

The kid I used to refer to as my second son or GFGII has been in lock-down, court ordered, rehab for several months. He is currently a ward of the state. However, he is being released Thursday to his mother until the custody hearing at which time it is hoped that she regains custody. He was turned over to the state in order to get him into the Boys Camp thing here, which a lot of parents with inadequate insurance, but who make too much money for medicaid have to do. He stole a car and ran away from Boys Camp. He was in a couple of foster homes and ran away from them. He ran away from home, stole his mom's car. He's been in a lot of trouble. Drugs were an issue. I do not know if he was an addict or just impulsive and rebellious. This kid had a really good heart, but a whole lot of anger. Apparently, he would pick up any drug and take it. No matter what it was. Even if it wasn't something that would make him high.

His mother and I were close friends, but had a falling out about a year and a half ago. GFGII, now 16, is still friends with my son and I'm pretty sure his mom wants to encourage that because GFGII looked up to my son and he was about the only kid in GFGII's life that was a positive influence. Since we've had the falling out, I don't know if she'll let him over here.

Here's where I need advice. A mutual friend cautioned me that if GFGII does come over, I need to lock up my medications. I have *a lot* of medications. Only a couple that he could get high on, but I don't think he was picky about what he was taking. I easily have 30 bottles of prescriptions on my counter. I have no safe. She suggested that I either lock them up or not let GFGII spend the night and to make sure that my son watches GFGII like a hawk while he's here.

I've always had a special place in my heart for GFGII, however he kind of burned some bridges with me. I don't want people in my house that I can't trust. I don't want to have to worry about him getting into my medications and stealing them and possibly OD'ing. At the same time, I do want GFGII to have a positive influence in his life. There is a lot of history that I won't go into now.

I'm really torn as what to do about this. Do I not let him in my house and have my son visit GFGII at his house? Do I let him in my house and not take my eyes off him?

How would you handle this?

 

[susiestar]

Do you have your medications in a pill box to keep them straight so you know what you take and what you haven't? Could you lock all but that pill box and a certain number of prn pills in the trunk of the car? Would a lock box be something that the kids could get you for Christmas (they are about $30 or so on amazon - we were looking at them today for another reason)? Do you have a file cabinet? Most have locks of some kind, or can have a chain and padlock put around them.

It seems as though you would miss this child, but your FIRST mission is to take care of yourself and your children. That MUST be your first priority.

Maybe you could start with the medications in your bedroom somewhere not noticeable, and have him visit for an hour or two, and work up to longer visits. He does need to know that he needs to earn your trust.

Depending on how well you know him, you may want to come out and ask him how to handle it. Say you care about him, you enjoy having him around, but you truly NEED your medications and if someone were to steal them then it means that you spend MANY hours in pain. this won't truly deter him if he is addicted, but it might work if the pill taking was not a true addiction or he has hit bottom and is fighting to stay clean.
These are just ideas. I hope one of them might help. You might even ask on freecycle for a locking file cabinet with keys.

 

[meowbunny]

Not being to trust someone is hard. However, I'd give him a chance. I wouldn't leave the pills out. It sounds like a lot of the drug taking was impulsive, so leaving them out would be dangerous for him -- if things go wrong, the impulse to take "just a few" would probably be hard for him to resist. Inconvenient for you but a necessity for him.

Of course, the whole thing could be moot. It may well be that he won't be allowed to come over given the history. I hope he can. It sounds like he needs a stable influence both of the adult and peer variety.

 

[klmno]

I'd lock them up in the trunk of the car and not even mention it to your son or the difficult child or anyone, for that matter, and let him come over.

 

[rejectedmom]

Yep I'd hide them or lock them in the car. My best friend was dying of lung cancer and she had her daughter's friend who was a recovering addict helping her a few days a week. She thought she couls trust this person even though many of us warned her otherwise. My friend insisted that the girl would not do anything to hurt her that she had known her for years and she was in recovery. I asked her how long since the girl had used and it was less than a year and I told my friend that I thought it was too soon to trust this person around all the medications. Bottom line... an addict is an addict forever and they can slip anytime. The girl stole the pain medications and at first my friend believed the girl when she said she didn't do it and then accused the hospice worker. My friend fired hospice and took the girl on full time in their place but eventually they realized the truth. in my humble opinion prevention is the best course of action. -RM

 

[flutterbee]

Thanks for the advice.

I can't lock them in my car because it's too cold and they need to be stored at room temperature. Even if we did that, we'd have to figure out how to hide the keys; one on my key chain and one on Devon's. GFGII did stay at my house last year to take care of the pets while I was in the hospital and easy child was in GA. L, the mutual friend, locked some things in my car and took my keys with her. I didn't have all the medications then that I do now. And we didn't know at that time the extent of what he was doing.

Anything that locks with a key for storage won't keep him out. He's gotten past that at his mom's too many times to count. I would need a safe with a combination lock and I really don't want to have to invest in that. Especially not knowing if he'll be here or how much.

His mom and I did have that falling out and we are still not talking; however, I did send her an email a couple of months ago about medications for her lupus and she responded and it was friendly. We haven't gone any further and I don't think either one of us wants to. I know I don't. However, she did see Devon at work and made it a point to tell him that GFGII had a home pass over Thanksgiving and was trying to figure out when Devon could come over.

The more I think about it, the more I'm uncomfortable having him in my home for any length of time until he regains my trust. I'm too sick to have to worry about someone elses kid getting into my stuff. Devon is aware and would keep an eye on him. I would certainly put away any medications into my room so that he wouldn't even know I have any for the short time he is here, should that happen.

Like I said, he did burn some bridges with me. It's just hard because I pretty much considered him one of my own. I'm really torn about if I even want to see him or not.

 

[katya02]

Maybe you could see him somewhere other than your home, to say hello and touch base. I feel strongly that you need to protect yourself and your medications and it doesn't make sense for you to feel you must buy expensive safes or come up with elaborate hiding schemes to prevent theft.

I kept a few strong pain medications that daughter had from her surgery in a locked safe with both keys on different keychains in a zippered compartment in my purse. I keep my purse with me or under my eye 24/7, or so I thought. I never mentioned to difficult child that there were any medications locked up. Nevertheless, he stole the safe key from one of the keychains one day while my purse was unattended for not longer than five minutes (I was on the phone with my back turned). He took a significant amount of the prescription but left the bottle with some in it so a casual glance wouldn't show anything amiss. I found out within 48 hours but the medications were gone by then.

I don't believe it's possible to effectively watch an addict to prevent medications theft; he will get around you. If he knows there's anything in the house he'll get it one way or another. And you shouldn't have to stress about your medications or be counting them constantly.

I'm glad you're thinking as you are. You have my support! There are other ways for your son and you to see this boy without having him in your house.

 

[flutterbee]

Thank you for the support, Katya.

I find myself really torn on whether or not I even want to see him. I feel like my heart will just break if I do because I will be so guarded and it will be so stiff and awkward. And I know in my gut he hasn't changed. He 'worked' the program. He's highly intelligent and manipulative and he knew what to say and do to get out. I often wonder if he's going to end up a sociopath. He was angry and didn't care if he got caught. But, he knows how to not get caught, too. But, then he's fiercely protective of his friends and those he cares about. So, there's something good.

His mother stuck her head in the sand for so many years. I'm not so sure it's completely unstuck now. Even though she was charged with aiding and abetting when he ran away.

I love this kid like he is my own. But, he's not mine and I can't do anything and it's so heart wrenching.

I've been consumed by this since I learned he was coming home. We haven't heard from him unless Devon called him without telling me. Yet, it weighs heavily on me.

 

[katya02]

If you haven't heard from him and you're feeling conflicted, maybe taking a 'wait and see' approach will be safer for your peace of mind. Since Devon has been in touch, his friend knows you're around. If he seeks you out you could meet him outside your home, but he may not be in the frame of mind at the moment that would make a meeting like that helpful.

Sociopaths are often the way you describe - highly intelligent and manipulative, able to 'work' most systems, able to figure out what people want to hear. They also typically have their own personal frame of morality; it just doesn't extend to everyone. There are many sociopaths who never become criminals. Their goals can be accomplished without criminal activity, although they wouldn't hesitate to commit a crime if they thought it would serve them and the risk/benefit ratio wasn't too great.

Acting on your gut instincts is usually safer with people of this personality. Since yours is giving you strong signals, I'd listen to it.