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A bittersweet birthday
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 742707" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Thank you all. I’m still really struggling this morning. I seem to be able to compartmentalise and keep my head most of the time with all this but actually seeing him again has pushed me out of equilibrium. I find I don’t want to listen to my music this morning. I couldn’t make myself get out of bed for my workout even though I know now is when I really need it most. My head feels fuzzy and my heart hurts. Starting in on laundry and cleaning bathrooms in hopes that it will clear my head before I try to get down to real work. I have a complicated project to work on today and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. </p><p></p><p>Smithmom, I’m trying to go to my desperation list here. Thank you for that. </p><p></p><p>Last night was the first time in a while R came with me to see him. And I could see the shock in her eyes when she first saw him. He looks terrible. I keep seeing his hollow eyes staring straight ahead and the shadows under his cheekbones. He has gone bald, and his bald head looked so vulnerable in the cold. I cut his hair for him for years, as a child and younger adult. Seeing him now made me think about all those haircuts. About the child he once was. </p><p></p><p>He was 6 when I came into his life, N was 3 and S just 1. It was a rocky start, as you can probably imagine. C in particular was angry and hurting from bio mom’s abandonment. He didn’t want to accept me right away and in retrospect I see their dad did a terrible job of bringing me in to the family, rushing into a whirlwind relationship with my young dumb self while bio mom was barely out the door. (Of course he did. He didn’t want to raise these kids on his own, and I was the only one naive enough to swallow his bait.) </p><p></p><p>I went into it the way I go into most things I don’t understand, with lots of research and analysis. I spent years reading every book I could get my hands on on parenting, step parenting, parenting adoptive children, child psychology, adult psychology, parenting difficult children. But I also went into it believing that if I just could love hard enough and well enough it would fix things. I thought I could love their dad into not being abusive to all of us, too. What a fool I was there. </p><p></p><p>N and S have no real memories of bio mom in their life so I’m just Mom with them. With C, it’s always been more complicated, since he does remember her, and was most aware of her missing presence In Their lives. Shortly after E was born, when he was 7, he asked if he could call me mom. Bio mom was supposed to have summer visitation for the first time since she left and blew it off, and he was upset. (She totally disappeared after this for about the next 10 years.) We’d always let him decide on his own what to call me because that’s what the stepparent books said to do. So I gave some bland book script of of course honey you can call me whatever you feel comfortable with blah blah blah. He was sitting in my lap. And he turned around and took my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes and said ‘<em>if I call you mom, do you promise you’re never leaving?”</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>It hit me then just what I’d gotten myself into, and what it meant. I said yes. God help me, I said yes. And through all the pain and heartache of the next 14 years with their dad that yes stayed in my brain. Because I promised. I promised if you call me mom I’ll be mom forever. And I don’t pretend to know much about God or religion or theology, but I believe a promise of this kind made to a child is sacred and binding. </p><p></p><p>And I would go through that pain all over again if it would bring C and S to a place of safety and health and comfort. It hurts so much to see them like this now. And it makes me question my mostly hands off approach with them. Should I be doing more? Is there anything I can do? How can I just stand back and watch them do this to themselves?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 742707, member: 23349"] Thank you all. I’m still really struggling this morning. I seem to be able to compartmentalise and keep my head most of the time with all this but actually seeing him again has pushed me out of equilibrium. I find I don’t want to listen to my music this morning. I couldn’t make myself get out of bed for my workout even though I know now is when I really need it most. My head feels fuzzy and my heart hurts. Starting in on laundry and cleaning bathrooms in hopes that it will clear my head before I try to get down to real work. I have a complicated project to work on today and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Smithmom, I’m trying to go to my desperation list here. Thank you for that. Last night was the first time in a while R came with me to see him. And I could see the shock in her eyes when she first saw him. He looks terrible. I keep seeing his hollow eyes staring straight ahead and the shadows under his cheekbones. He has gone bald, and his bald head looked so vulnerable in the cold. I cut his hair for him for years, as a child and younger adult. Seeing him now made me think about all those haircuts. About the child he once was. He was 6 when I came into his life, N was 3 and S just 1. It was a rocky start, as you can probably imagine. C in particular was angry and hurting from bio mom’s abandonment. He didn’t want to accept me right away and in retrospect I see their dad did a terrible job of bringing me in to the family, rushing into a whirlwind relationship with my young dumb self while bio mom was barely out the door. (Of course he did. He didn’t want to raise these kids on his own, and I was the only one naive enough to swallow his bait.) I went into it the way I go into most things I don’t understand, with lots of research and analysis. I spent years reading every book I could get my hands on on parenting, step parenting, parenting adoptive children, child psychology, adult psychology, parenting difficult children. But I also went into it believing that if I just could love hard enough and well enough it would fix things. I thought I could love their dad into not being abusive to all of us, too. What a fool I was there. N and S have no real memories of bio mom in their life so I’m just Mom with them. With C, it’s always been more complicated, since he does remember her, and was most aware of her missing presence In Their lives. Shortly after E was born, when he was 7, he asked if he could call me mom. Bio mom was supposed to have summer visitation for the first time since she left and blew it off, and he was upset. (She totally disappeared after this for about the next 10 years.) We’d always let him decide on his own what to call me because that’s what the stepparent books said to do. So I gave some bland book script of of course honey you can call me whatever you feel comfortable with blah blah blah. He was sitting in my lap. And he turned around and took my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes and said ‘[I]if I call you mom, do you promise you’re never leaving?” [/I] It hit me then just what I’d gotten myself into, and what it meant. I said yes. God help me, I said yes. And through all the pain and heartache of the next 14 years with their dad that yes stayed in my brain. Because I promised. I promised if you call me mom I’ll be mom forever. And I don’t pretend to know much about God or religion or theology, but I believe a promise of this kind made to a child is sacred and binding. And I would go through that pain all over again if it would bring C and S to a place of safety and health and comfort. It hurts so much to see them like this now. And it makes me question my mostly hands off approach with them. Should I be doing more? Is there anything I can do? How can I just stand back and watch them do this to themselves? [/QUOTE]
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