It’s C’s birthday today. I wasn’t sure if I was going to see him or not. He doesn’t have minutes on his phone so I can only get ahold of him through Messenger which he checks when he can get Wi-Fi. We arranged to meet downtown for dinner. I wasn’t sure if he would show or not, but he did. S said she would try to be there but she was a no show tonight. I was glad to see him. It was also a gut punch. He is even thinner than the last time I saw him. His eyes are hollow. He barely spoke. He has a tremor that is congenital, but it was especially noticeable. He just picked at his food and boxed most of it up for later. He didn’t smell of alcohol, as he often does, but clearly was out of it and probably coming down off something. He said he was sleeping friend’s floor for a few days so at least he is out of the cold. There is a bit of snow on the ground here. He was just in a light jacket and a tee shirt so we went to Target and I got him a warm coat, a hat and gloves, and some sweat shirts and jeans without holes. I’ve done this before. I’m pretty sure I got him a coat last year. But who knows where that got left. He no longer has the air mattress and bedding I gave him because it was too much to carry when the last friend threw him out and he thinks this person ended up throwing it all out. In any case that bridge is burned. His current friend says he can only stay there a few nights and he has no idea where he will go after that. I asked if he knew what’s going on with S and he said, ‘honestly, mom, it’s better If you don’t even know. She’s not doing too well right now.’ And I’m thinking ...compared to you? You think she’s in worse shape than you are? What does that even look like? Seeing him this way is honestly just shattering. I’m scared for both of them right now. And I can’t help them when they will not take any steps to help themselves. I feel like I’m watching them drown in slow motion, but even when I throw a life raft to them they won’t grsb on. I am so tired tonight.