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A chilling conversation with-Matt
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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 430519"><p>Steely, I empathize with what you are feeling. I suspect many moms here have thought of these things. I dunno...maybe you are a little sensitive. But, when this crazy difficult stuff is going on....it is very painful...it is understandable.</p><p>It is so very hard to say what is what. Chances are you had little to NOTHING to do with his behaviors. And remember, he has not been diagnosis'd with a personality disorder.</p><p> </p><p>Probably most of us have had moments when we endulged (for lack of a better word) our sons. IT is extra extra hard with children who are mentally ill. It is downright confusing and frightening. Throw in being a single mother and the situation and the difficulties are of monumental proporations.</p><p>I do believe many of the "kids" here are developmental delayed to a certain extent. I am not talking about anything extreme. But, they do seem somewhat immature. This could be for any number of reasons. The <u>positive side to this is that it provides more opportunity for growth.</u> So, he is not "done" yet. You can possible role model for him still...just as if at times he was still 16 or so. And of course, based on your concerns about a possible personality disorder, even more reason for you to insist that he do his part to accept his diagnosis of bipolar illness, get treatment for it, take his medication, try new medication as appropriate and move forward in life. If he doesn't want to go to the hospital due to a bad experience, well then why not try a new doctor? It is not appropriate, no matter what tragic experience occurred in the past (I'm sorry to hear of this), to think that someone with bipolar illness will not be seeing a professional again. This is a serious and real disease. And as soon as he feels better, maybe he can look for a part time job????</p><p> </p><p>I think it might be a good idea to consider <u>not</u> getting so bogged down into the details of his affliction. It doesn't matter all that much what is going on in terms of why he isn't doing this or that. You might limit your involvement literally AND EMOTIONALLY. It is NOT healthy for you to be involved in so much detail. </p><p> </p><p>Be a broken record, I think...encouraging him to get medical treatment/therapy (after all, he has a medical condition), allow him to suffer the consequences for inappropriate behaviors (no sociopathic stuff there) and let him watch you move forward with your life (be a model). A wise therapist got me to this point. I realized that with-o me, it was possible my difficult child would falter....even die. And things momentarily got worse...got scarey. But you know what, one day they got better. She learned how to use the bus system and she can get anywhere she wants. She is very independent. Things aren't as I would want....and the improvement is tiny. However, I'm not sure that if I were fully involved it would be all THAT much better. What I am sure of is that I am ONE THOUSAND...NO ONE MILLION TIMES BETTER. And, at least she is a little better. I pray in time.....she will improve some more. She is respectful to me and my husband, for the most part takes her medications and although I wish for more, I accept that life isn't fair. </p><p> </p><p>IF you are truly worried that you may <u>MAY</u> may have done something to cause him to have narcassistic or socipathic tendencies, then now is a perfect opportunity to go into detachment mode and not tolerate inappropriate behaviors and insist that he get himself to a doctor. He has the right to get a second and even a third opinion. </p><p> </p><p>But, if one has an illness (Bipolar diagnosis) one needs treatment. <u>One does not carry on and burden his family.</u> You might bring this to his attention and consider doing it with a loving, but firm tone. It is what it is. It is unfortunate, but it is what it is. If he had diabetes, you would NOT give him a choice about going to the doctor to get his insulin, etc. It sounds harsh, but it is likely the only way. (Exception being if he threatens suicide...then by all means...intervene by getting him some direct help).</p><p> </p><p>As a side note...if you are truly worried that he really does have socipathic tendencies, why call the staff worker "punky?" Your son is an adult. If he is acting so inappropriate that this diagnosis up for discussion...maybe he needs to hear it. And if he would like to change things up, he has the CHOICE to do so. It is his choice. No one makes someone behave in such a manner.</p><p> </p><p>by the way, it is certainly possible that part of the reason your son has little to no self worth is because he is NOT taking charge of his illness. If nothing else, he can succeed in making it his mission to get on a good medication, find a good therapist and to curtail his outburts. He can be a success at THAT.</p><p> </p><p>Detachment isn't so much for him, it is for you. But in the end, it might benefit him too. </p><p>Sometimes I think this is the lesson of all of this.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 430519"] Steely, I empathize with what you are feeling. I suspect many moms here have thought of these things. I dunno...maybe you are a little sensitive. But, when this crazy difficult stuff is going on....it is very painful...it is understandable. It is so very hard to say what is what. Chances are you had little to NOTHING to do with his behaviors. And remember, he has not been diagnosis'd with a personality disorder. Probably most of us have had moments when we endulged (for lack of a better word) our sons. IT is extra extra hard with children who are mentally ill. It is downright confusing and frightening. Throw in being a single mother and the situation and the difficulties are of monumental proporations. I do believe many of the "kids" here are developmental delayed to a certain extent. I am not talking about anything extreme. But, they do seem somewhat immature. This could be for any number of reasons. The [U]positive side to this is that it provides more opportunity for growth.[/U] So, he is not "done" yet. You can possible role model for him still...just as if at times he was still 16 or so. And of course, based on your concerns about a possible personality disorder, even more reason for you to insist that he do his part to accept his diagnosis of bipolar illness, get treatment for it, take his medication, try new medication as appropriate and move forward in life. If he doesn't want to go to the hospital due to a bad experience, well then why not try a new doctor? It is not appropriate, no matter what tragic experience occurred in the past (I'm sorry to hear of this), to think that someone with bipolar illness will not be seeing a professional again. This is a serious and real disease. And as soon as he feels better, maybe he can look for a part time job???? I think it might be a good idea to consider [U]not[/U] getting so bogged down into the details of his affliction. It doesn't matter all that much what is going on in terms of why he isn't doing this or that. You might limit your involvement literally AND EMOTIONALLY. It is NOT healthy for you to be involved in so much detail. Be a broken record, I think...encouraging him to get medical treatment/therapy (after all, he has a medical condition), allow him to suffer the consequences for inappropriate behaviors (no sociopathic stuff there) and let him watch you move forward with your life (be a model). A wise therapist got me to this point. I realized that with-o me, it was possible my difficult child would falter....even die. And things momentarily got worse...got scarey. But you know what, one day they got better. She learned how to use the bus system and she can get anywhere she wants. She is very independent. Things aren't as I would want....and the improvement is tiny. However, I'm not sure that if I were fully involved it would be all THAT much better. What I am sure of is that I am ONE THOUSAND...NO ONE MILLION TIMES BETTER. And, at least she is a little better. I pray in time.....she will improve some more. She is respectful to me and my husband, for the most part takes her medications and although I wish for more, I accept that life isn't fair. IF you are truly worried that you may [U]MAY[/U] may have done something to cause him to have narcassistic or socipathic tendencies, then now is a perfect opportunity to go into detachment mode and not tolerate inappropriate behaviors and insist that he get himself to a doctor. He has the right to get a second and even a third opinion. But, if one has an illness (Bipolar diagnosis) one needs treatment. [U]One does not carry on and burden his family.[/U] You might bring this to his attention and consider doing it with a loving, but firm tone. It is what it is. It is unfortunate, but it is what it is. If he had diabetes, you would NOT give him a choice about going to the doctor to get his insulin, etc. It sounds harsh, but it is likely the only way. (Exception being if he threatens suicide...then by all means...intervene by getting him some direct help). As a side note...if you are truly worried that he really does have socipathic tendencies, why call the staff worker "punky?" Your son is an adult. If he is acting so inappropriate that this diagnosis up for discussion...maybe he needs to hear it. And if he would like to change things up, he has the CHOICE to do so. It is his choice. No one makes someone behave in such a manner. by the way, it is certainly possible that part of the reason your son has little to no self worth is because he is NOT taking charge of his illness. If nothing else, he can succeed in making it his mission to get on a good medication, find a good therapist and to curtail his outburts. He can be a success at THAT. Detachment isn't so much for him, it is for you. But in the end, it might benefit him too. Sometimes I think this is the lesson of all of this. [/QUOTE]
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