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A Christmas to forget
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 726219" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi SW and welcome. Your post is very familiar, your daughter sounds a bit like my eldest. Except for the lashing out, well, ahem, that part was always reserved <em>for me</em>. </p><p>There is always a “catch” to visits from my two. I am on edge, wondering what they want, or what they are up to. It is hard to be a mom and have to keep your guard up when your adult d cs pop in for a visit. I am like you, ptsd, kind of freeze. It is because I never know what to expect.</p><p></p><p>I understand this. At least I would know where they are, instead of wondering........</p><p>Totally agree. Our d cs are resourceful, they know how to survive. Not the way we would have them, <em>but it is their life, their choices. </em>My two used my rescuing to continue <em>as is</em> with a <em>little cushion. At my expense. </em>My heart, my home, my resources. Like there is an endless supply. We are not rugs to be tread upon. They are our adult children, but the expectations and entitlement are off the charts, with little to no appreciation to boot.</p><p> You have a good grasp of things, SW. Life.......happens. Having a strong base ourselves, helps to deflect the harder stuff. We may be knocked off balance for a bit, but the more we look after ourselves, the better we are able to stand up again.</p><p>This is where I was some time ago. I realized that it does no good for me to go “ down with the ship” of their choices. It does no good for our d cs, either. We want them to care for themselves. More than anything. I think it is imperative that we do so,as an example to set. It is a shift in focus, from lamenting what was, is and what could be, to realizing we have absolutely no control over that. Been through the shoulda, coulda, wouldas, too, but reality is, we are only human and did the best job we could as moms. Sure, made mistakes. That’s life. </p><p>I love this, SW. It is truth from both sides of the spectrum. People have gone through the darkness of addiction and using and come out the other side. Their loved ones have found ways to cope, and found strength to carry on, come what may. I think the times I have despaired really has been taking on the weight of my twos choices <em>within myself.</em> I do believe there is something to that. It is another form of “rescuing”, internalizing the devastation of their ways to the point where I am feeling the repurcussions more than they are. In a spiritual and emotional way, taking on their burden, as if my downfall will be an exchange for theirs. I was thinking about all this on my walk this morning. Having a discussion in my head on “codependency”. I don’t like the label. I feel we are tied in ways to everything in the universe, how moreso to our beloveds? I think there is much more to the rollercoaster, swirly whirly yo-yoing we engage in when our d cs act out in their youth, and on to adulthood. There definitely is a synchronistic madness to it. Action, reaction, we become entrenched and conditioned into behaviors that our d cs learn to use against us. Addicts are cunning and manipulative. Looking back at my repetitive mistakes, I realize that my two could count on my reacting a certain way. This is where we fall into the trap of looking at self care as <em>selfish. </em>That what addicts are counting on. That we would become so caught up in the chaos and drama that we don’t know any other way to respond but trying desperately to “help” over and over again, to our own demise.</p><p>It is like catching a wave and getting pitched over, and pounded by white water to the point where you don’t know which way is up. That’s how I felt when I was completely enmeshed in providing a solution for my two. There was no solution for me to find. It has to come from them. </p><p> Yes, onward and upward. Good for you, SW.</p><p></p><p> Yup. Letting our emotions ebb and flow as needed. Not seeking perfection and really, really living in each moment. I find now that I can look back at those old family photos and be thankful for the times we had. I am grateful for that. It is a switch from lamenting what is now. I also find that looking at reality straight in the face helps. I used to think “This is not what I raised my girls to be, this is not them.” True. That made me pine away more. I pray for them to see their light and potential, I still have hope. Reality is, my two are addicts, using drugs, using people and blaming everything on everyone else. This is them, now, on drugs. It doesn’t mean it will always be this way, but I understand that<em> I can’t make them do, or see anything</em>. It is up to them to see the light and want better.</p><p></p><p> Life happens. There are no guarantees. There was a recent post where a mother was writing about her adult child who was doing well in life, but had no desire to connect with her mother.</p><p>Huh.</p><p>Sigh.</p><p>What helps me look forward to my future, is to know that my kids were only on loan to me for a time. I made mistakes, but gave my all to raising them. It is up to them as adults to choose the paths they take. </p><p>It is up to me to figure out what I want for the best rest of my life.</p><p>That is the only thing I can control, <em>my choices.</em></p><p>May you continue to hold your head up and soldier on, SW, and all of us here. </p><p>You matter. You have a life to live. </p><p>Keep working on your toolbox, finding ways to lift yourself up. </p><p>I truly believe that is the <em>best help we can be for our d cs. </em></p><p><em>Leading by example</em>, continuing to be mindful of our health, keeping stress at bay, focusing on the good, walking steadily forward to creating peace and joy in our lives.</p><p>It is what we wish for them to achieve.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 726219, member: 19522"] Hi SW and welcome. Your post is very familiar, your daughter sounds a bit like my eldest. Except for the lashing out, well, ahem, that part was always reserved [I]for me[/I]. There is always a “catch” to visits from my two. I am on edge, wondering what they want, or what they are up to. It is hard to be a mom and have to keep your guard up when your adult d cs pop in for a visit. I am like you, ptsd, kind of freeze. It is because I never know what to expect. I understand this. At least I would know where they are, instead of wondering........ Totally agree. Our d cs are resourceful, they know how to survive. Not the way we would have them, [I]but it is their life, their choices. [/I]My two used my rescuing to continue [I]as is[/I] with a [I]little cushion. At my expense. [/I]My heart, my home, my resources. Like there is an endless supply. We are not rugs to be tread upon. They are our adult children, but the expectations and entitlement are off the charts, with little to no appreciation to boot. You have a good grasp of things, SW. Life.......happens. Having a strong base ourselves, helps to deflect the harder stuff. We may be knocked off balance for a bit, but the more we look after ourselves, the better we are able to stand up again. This is where I was some time ago. I realized that it does no good for me to go “ down with the ship” of their choices. It does no good for our d cs, either. We want them to care for themselves. More than anything. I think it is imperative that we do so,as an example to set. It is a shift in focus, from lamenting what was, is and what could be, to realizing we have absolutely no control over that. Been through the shoulda, coulda, wouldas, too, but reality is, we are only human and did the best job we could as moms. Sure, made mistakes. That’s life. I love this, SW. It is truth from both sides of the spectrum. People have gone through the darkness of addiction and using and come out the other side. Their loved ones have found ways to cope, and found strength to carry on, come what may. I think the times I have despaired really has been taking on the weight of my twos choices [I]within myself.[/I] I do believe there is something to that. It is another form of “rescuing”, internalizing the devastation of their ways to the point where I am feeling the repurcussions more than they are. In a spiritual and emotional way, taking on their burden, as if my downfall will be an exchange for theirs. I was thinking about all this on my walk this morning. Having a discussion in my head on “codependency”. I don’t like the label. I feel we are tied in ways to everything in the universe, how moreso to our beloveds? I think there is much more to the rollercoaster, swirly whirly yo-yoing we engage in when our d cs act out in their youth, and on to adulthood. There definitely is a synchronistic madness to it. Action, reaction, we become entrenched and conditioned into behaviors that our d cs learn to use against us. Addicts are cunning and manipulative. Looking back at my repetitive mistakes, I realize that my two could count on my reacting a certain way. This is where we fall into the trap of looking at self care as [I]selfish. [/I]That what addicts are counting on. That we would become so caught up in the chaos and drama that we don’t know any other way to respond but trying desperately to “help” over and over again, to our own demise. It is like catching a wave and getting pitched over, and pounded by white water to the point where you don’t know which way is up. That’s how I felt when I was completely enmeshed in providing a solution for my two. There was no solution for me to find. It has to come from them. Yes, onward and upward. Good for you, SW. Yup. Letting our emotions ebb and flow as needed. Not seeking perfection and really, really living in each moment. I find now that I can look back at those old family photos and be thankful for the times we had. I am grateful for that. It is a switch from lamenting what is now. I also find that looking at reality straight in the face helps. I used to think “This is not what I raised my girls to be, this is not them.” True. That made me pine away more. I pray for them to see their light and potential, I still have hope. Reality is, my two are addicts, using drugs, using people and blaming everything on everyone else. This is them, now, on drugs. It doesn’t mean it will always be this way, but I understand that[I] I can’t make them do, or see anything[/I]. It is up to them to see the light and want better. Life happens. There are no guarantees. There was a recent post where a mother was writing about her adult child who was doing well in life, but had no desire to connect with her mother. Huh. Sigh. What helps me look forward to my future, is to know that my kids were only on loan to me for a time. I made mistakes, but gave my all to raising them. It is up to them as adults to choose the paths they take. It is up to me to figure out what I want for the best rest of my life. That is the only thing I can control, [I]my choices.[/I] May you continue to hold your head up and soldier on, SW, and all of us here. You matter. You have a life to live. Keep working on your toolbox, finding ways to lift yourself up. I truly believe that is the [I]best help we can be for our d cs. Leading by example[/I], continuing to be mindful of our health, keeping stress at bay, focusing on the good, walking steadily forward to creating peace and joy in our lives. It is what we wish for them to achieve. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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