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Family of Origin
A Death in the Family
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 685298" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I have been making a study of how we respond to fear. Less intensely, I have been studying the ability to focus, and to concentrate. Excluding fear from the equation. All of this has to do with the concept of "When chopping onions, just chop onions." Or, with drinking our tea as though the Earth turns upon our pleasure in this moment. (Thich Nhat Hanh) I have been dancing (Only barre work, nothing fancy.), and find the discipline and externalization of pain to be helpful.</p><p></p><p>And then, healing. </p><p></p><p>Regarding how shocked I was at rage, I am reminded of someone's comment (Brene Brown?) that we should not compare our insides with what others display publicly.</p><p></p><p>So I am less appalled at rage. It felt like everything was on fire for awhile there. Here is a secret: I enjoyed it at the same time I could not believe it was happening. I am less appalled than proud about it, these days. Isn't that something. It seems very real to me, and I am pleased to have that real emotion that is so intense. </p><p></p><p>I really like it.</p><p></p><p>But it tends to burgeon out at inappropriate times. Like, BOOM, there it is, surprising me with its intensity.</p><p></p><p>I like it, very much.</p><p></p><p>I am not acting inappropriately. It is that I usually don't feel ~ or allow ~ rage. Sometimes now I am speechless with it. I think the difference is that I am no longer afraid I will turn into someone (My mother) insane with rage; stupid with it. New Leaf posted a video for me yesterday in which the speaker said: "Everyone is doing what they like to do." That would have included everyone in my Family of Origin. </p><p></p><p>It may be there is no mystery, here. </p><p></p><p>It may be there is only me, here.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, there was no win. I have been believing they meant me to feel what their actions created in me. Maybe, they were just doing what they like to do.</p><p></p><p>Huh.</p><p></p><p>Probably, they still are, then.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>As the days have passed, this intensity of feeling (rage) seems to become incorporated. I am learning the parameters. Like when volcanoes make new mountains from the depths of the oceans and create Hawaii.</p><p></p><p>Or, Iceland.</p><p></p><p>Lots of steam.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Once the abuser has hurt us badly enough to break us, they only need to refer to the hurt place in future to break us again.</p><p></p><p>That is what I meant. That is what keeps the circle of abuse alive even when the abuser is old and frail. Or, say we are in relationship with someone who likes to do that. This imagery explains that dynamic. Tells us something about why certain people from our pasts can hurt us so deeply and easily, even after much time has passed.</p><p></p><p>Shame that they saw us broken <em>and did not help us.</em></p><p></p><p><em>That they watched us suffer.</em></p><p></p><p><em>And did not help us.</em></p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 685298, member: 17461"] I have been making a study of how we respond to fear. Less intensely, I have been studying the ability to focus, and to concentrate. Excluding fear from the equation. All of this has to do with the concept of "When chopping onions, just chop onions." Or, with drinking our tea as though the Earth turns upon our pleasure in this moment. (Thich Nhat Hanh) I have been dancing (Only barre work, nothing fancy.), and find the discipline and externalization of pain to be helpful. And then, healing. Regarding how shocked I was at rage, I am reminded of someone's comment (Brene Brown?) that we should not compare our insides with what others display publicly. So I am less appalled at rage. It felt like everything was on fire for awhile there. Here is a secret: I enjoyed it at the same time I could not believe it was happening. I am less appalled than proud about it, these days. Isn't that something. It seems very real to me, and I am pleased to have that real emotion that is so intense. I really like it. But it tends to burgeon out at inappropriate times. Like, BOOM, there it is, surprising me with its intensity. I like it, very much. I am not acting inappropriately. It is that I usually don't feel ~ or allow ~ rage. Sometimes now I am speechless with it. I think the difference is that I am no longer afraid I will turn into someone (My mother) insane with rage; stupid with it. New Leaf posted a video for me yesterday in which the speaker said: "Everyone is doing what they like to do." That would have included everyone in my Family of Origin. It may be there is no mystery, here. It may be there is only me, here. Maybe, there was no win. I have been believing they meant me to feel what their actions created in me. Maybe, they were just doing what they like to do. Huh. Probably, they still are, then. *** As the days have passed, this intensity of feeling (rage) seems to become incorporated. I am learning the parameters. Like when volcanoes make new mountains from the depths of the oceans and create Hawaii. Or, Iceland. Lots of steam. :O) Once the abuser has hurt us badly enough to break us, they only need to refer to the hurt place in future to break us again. That is what I meant. That is what keeps the circle of abuse alive even when the abuser is old and frail. Or, say we are in relationship with someone who likes to do that. This imagery explains that dynamic. Tells us something about why certain people from our pasts can hurt us so deeply and easily, even after much time has passed. Shame that they saw us broken [I]and did not help us.[/I] [I]That they watched us suffer.[/I] [I]And did not help us.[/I] Cedar [/QUOTE]
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