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A little bit of hope.
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<blockquote data-quote="JayPee" data-source="post: 752578" data-attributes="member: 23405"><p>For myself I realized that the hardest part from "detaching" with my sons was the approval I so much needed from them. I needed to know they loved me, thought I was a good person, thought I was a good mother and that they could and should know I'd always be there for them. Just like Mamma Bear and all the wonderful "mother's" who would die for their offspring.</p><p></p><p>What I realized for myself is that God does not want me to "die" mentally, emotionally or physically from the constant bad choices, irresponsible and/or "non" decisions my adult sons make for themselves that somehow seem to affect me to a level only you mothers can comprehend. It was difficult to say to myself, "so if I detach from them they may not "like" me." Hmmmm...the reality was "did they really like me even when I enabled"? I don't think so. I think for me that's what I lead myself to believe so I could "feel" their approval because I had nothing else and it was my own kind of thought process I was using to survive their behavior. "MY" taking care of them to the point of enabling was really only for my benefit. To ease my pain, guilt and hurt over so many things that happened that somehow I took on as my full and complete fault. It was what kept me afloat, for a while, until I sunk. I sunk in sadness, hurt, pain and grief that no matter how much I helped them and supported them they had no ability or inclination to step up and take care of themselves.</p><p></p><p>They knew they "had me hook, line and sinker". My past behaviors told them I would succumb to whatever they dealt me because somewhere along the line, I had decided their lives were my lives and were more important than mine because I was their mother. Gosh, I got so confused because I am a helpful, good person but their sick Victim, Persecutor roles and mine kept me in the game a very long time.</p><p></p><p>Some very subtle changes have occurred since I stopped enabling. My younger son is working (still living in his car) and I don't really know how long that will last. I already have heard intonations about "injustices" taking place at his work. My stomach flips a little but I get strong and tell him, well if you don't like that job you'd better get another one before quitting because it will be a very cold winter here in New England soon. He has not badgered me and been disrespectful, which is another good change. He has a lot of mental issue that I worry terribly about as to when or if this will ever get better. But (for now) I seem to have an inner strength I can only attribute to God's Graces that is getting me through. I'm able to communicate with younger son but it's not to the degree he's contacting me every day so I know he's doing things to take care of himself. I'm not initiating contact and have been able to keep other boundaries I've made for myself.</p><p></p><p>Older son, still detached completely for a couple of months. He has not even begun to change and I know now I must stay the distance until I see sustained changes.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JayPee, post: 752578, member: 23405"] For myself I realized that the hardest part from "detaching" with my sons was the approval I so much needed from them. I needed to know they loved me, thought I was a good person, thought I was a good mother and that they could and should know I'd always be there for them. Just like Mamma Bear and all the wonderful "mother's" who would die for their offspring. What I realized for myself is that God does not want me to "die" mentally, emotionally or physically from the constant bad choices, irresponsible and/or "non" decisions my adult sons make for themselves that somehow seem to affect me to a level only you mothers can comprehend. It was difficult to say to myself, "so if I detach from them they may not "like" me." Hmmmm...the reality was "did they really like me even when I enabled"? I don't think so. I think for me that's what I lead myself to believe so I could "feel" their approval because I had nothing else and it was my own kind of thought process I was using to survive their behavior. "MY" taking care of them to the point of enabling was really only for my benefit. To ease my pain, guilt and hurt over so many things that happened that somehow I took on as my full and complete fault. It was what kept me afloat, for a while, until I sunk. I sunk in sadness, hurt, pain and grief that no matter how much I helped them and supported them they had no ability or inclination to step up and take care of themselves. They knew they "had me hook, line and sinker". My past behaviors told them I would succumb to whatever they dealt me because somewhere along the line, I had decided their lives were my lives and were more important than mine because I was their mother. Gosh, I got so confused because I am a helpful, good person but their sick Victim, Persecutor roles and mine kept me in the game a very long time. Some very subtle changes have occurred since I stopped enabling. My younger son is working (still living in his car) and I don't really know how long that will last. I already have heard intonations about "injustices" taking place at his work. My stomach flips a little but I get strong and tell him, well if you don't like that job you'd better get another one before quitting because it will be a very cold winter here in New England soon. He has not badgered me and been disrespectful, which is another good change. He has a lot of mental issue that I worry terribly about as to when or if this will ever get better. But (for now) I seem to have an inner strength I can only attribute to God's Graces that is getting me through. I'm able to communicate with younger son but it's not to the degree he's contacting me every day so I know he's doing things to take care of himself. I'm not initiating contact and have been able to keep other boundaries I've made for myself. Older son, still detached completely for a couple of months. He has not even begun to change and I know now I must stay the distance until I see sustained changes. [/QUOTE]
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