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A little bit of hope.
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 752687" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Copa,</p><p>So sorry for your troubled heart and ongoing challenges with your son. It is indeed a difficult road we walk, wanting the best for our adult children, perhaps more than they do. That is the struggle as we watch with horror, the situations our beloveds get in to, wondering how the heck they tolerate the consequences of their choices.</p><p> I am more convinced than ever that our own individual universe is a series of events meant to teach us, to help us grow, and repetitive patterns are training us to seek different ways to deal with circumstances.</p><p>My Hoku has a favorite quote attributed to Einstein “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.” Okay, true, but life sure has a way of smacking us upside our heads that sends us reeling towards old paths, memories, triggers, reactions. Repetition for emphasis.</p><p>It is hard to let go. So hard.These are our people. Our children who we raised and loved, still love, yes made mistakes along the way, but how in the heck did it all go <em>so</em> wrong? </p><p>My grandson in a fit of rage, glared at me and said “Why didn’t you raise your daughter better?” My initial reaction was anger, that touched a soft spot for sure, but then I heard myself say “I did the best job I could, the reality is that people grow up and make their own choices.”</p><p>To be honest dear sister, each time I have read here that your son is moving back again, I feel, not judgement, more like “uh oh here we go again” perhaps because there is an underlying guilt within that <em>somehow I did not try enough.</em> (Then I have to remind myself that there was and is a real danger to engaging with my two.)</p><p>I do see big differences through the years in how you are managing the emotional hardships, setting boundaries and rules for your son and following through with consequences. Each time, <em>you</em> are getting stronger, which in turn benefits your son tremendously. </p><p>Life seems to be this dance, with relationships and obstacles, triumphs and defeats, all pointing towards a testing of our own resilience, hopefully leading us to self discovery and recovery. <em>For us, and perhaps our beloveds. </em></p><p>I still believe that the stronger we are, the more determined we are to set healthy boundaries for ourselves, the more our adult children see that example as a possibility for themselves to reach their own potential. We have no control over their choices, but we are able to control how we respond. That takes time and trying and <em>not trying</em>. </p><p> You’ve got this Copa. There is no one answer, no one way, no perfect solution dealing with our troubled adult children. But maybe, just maybe through all of the heartache and suffering, we are learning ways to honor ourselves, to rebuild, change, adapt and grow into our best self. </p><p>I pray for peace within your heart. </p><p>Much love and</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>New Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 752687, member: 19522"] Hi Copa, So sorry for your troubled heart and ongoing challenges with your son. It is indeed a difficult road we walk, wanting the best for our adult children, perhaps more than they do. That is the struggle as we watch with horror, the situations our beloveds get in to, wondering how the heck they tolerate the consequences of their choices. I am more convinced than ever that our own individual universe is a series of events meant to teach us, to help us grow, and repetitive patterns are training us to seek different ways to deal with circumstances. My Hoku has a favorite quote attributed to Einstein “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.” Okay, true, but life sure has a way of smacking us upside our heads that sends us reeling towards old paths, memories, triggers, reactions. Repetition for emphasis. It is hard to let go. So hard.These are our people. Our children who we raised and loved, still love, yes made mistakes along the way, but how in the heck did it all go [I]so[/I] wrong? My grandson in a fit of rage, glared at me and said “Why didn’t you raise your daughter better?” My initial reaction was anger, that touched a soft spot for sure, but then I heard myself say “I did the best job I could, the reality is that people grow up and make their own choices.” To be honest dear sister, each time I have read here that your son is moving back again, I feel, not judgement, more like “uh oh here we go again” perhaps because there is an underlying guilt within that [I]somehow I did not try enough.[/I] (Then I have to remind myself that there was and is a real danger to engaging with my two.) I do see big differences through the years in how you are managing the emotional hardships, setting boundaries and rules for your son and following through with consequences. Each time, [I]you[/I] are getting stronger, which in turn benefits your son tremendously. Life seems to be this dance, with relationships and obstacles, triumphs and defeats, all pointing towards a testing of our own resilience, hopefully leading us to self discovery and recovery. [I]For us, and perhaps our beloveds. [/I] I still believe that the stronger we are, the more determined we are to set healthy boundaries for ourselves, the more our adult children see that example as a possibility for themselves to reach their own potential. We have no control over their choices, but we are able to control how we respond. That takes time and trying and [I]not trying[/I]. You’ve got this Copa. There is no one answer, no one way, no perfect solution dealing with our troubled adult children. But maybe, just maybe through all of the heartache and suffering, we are learning ways to honor ourselves, to rebuild, change, adapt and grow into our best self. I pray for peace within your heart. Much love and (((Hugs))) New Leaf [/QUOTE]
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