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A New Member - Advice Please
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 362190" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome to the site. There is help here.</p><p></p><p>A few questions - with your daughter's current list of labels, it seems to me to be heading for alphabet soup. Sometimes there can be ONE disorder that is an umbrella over the lot. For example, Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) is something you find in a few other disorders. If I listed difficult child 3's labels, we would have ADHD, Sensory Integration Disorder (SID), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), hyperlexia, ODD, language delay - probably a lot of others. But they all are explained, in him, by autism. difficult child 3 is now 16 years old and has adapted well. We do have behaviour issues, but frankly a lot of them are because his brain learns differently and the usual discipline methods that seem to work acceptably well on us when we were kids, and which other parents use - these are disastrous for kids like ours.</p><p></p><p>If you spank a kid like difficult child 3, all it does is teach him that physical attack is what you do when someone does something you don't like. Similarly - if we shout at him, he then sees that shouting is what you do in that situation. For him, there is no distinction between him, and anyone else. To his mind, we know what he is thinking because inside his head, those thoughts are loud enough for anyone to hear. So when we fail to understand him, it's clear (to him) that we are choosing to ignore him, rather than simply not understanding. He's a lot better with this now, but it was a rough ride there for a while.</p><p></p><p>Discipline - read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene, it explains this a lot better as well as gives you strategies to use in your situation. But you need to change your mindset - this child cannot be expected to learn to follow the usual methods/rules. You need to work with the child to find a more effective way. However, that more effective way can actually be a short-cut to maturity. It also can work with "normal" kids too, so you don't have to have different rules for one kid and not others.</p><p></p><p>The explanations - that worked for us, but sometimes you have to answer the question the child is not asking. I suspect your daughter is expecting you to be able to read her mind, and is frustrated when you stubbornly fail to (from her point of view). We found that we needed to explain to difficult child 3 exactly what is his diagnosis, and to also involve him in his own management. A kid who doesn't want to take medications - we ask him why. We listen to the answer. We then explain why the medications were prescribed and if we have to, we get the doctor to explain this. We say, "If you have a problem with this, we need to find something to help you, because the medications are important.</p><p></p><p>A friend of ours (a classmate of difficult child 3's at his after-school drama class for local kids with disabilities) has been put on Concerta. They found it caused rebound problems, but he did realise he liked it when he was medicated; he felt he was coping better and the teachers were nicer to him. But he didn't like how he felt at the end of each day - always in trouble, never being able to sit still, feeling upset and teary. So they've taken him off Concerta and are trialling dexamphetamine. When we saw him two evenings ago, it had all worn off but without rebound. He was bouncing off the walls, but not teary, not overly aggressive as he had been after Concerta. His mother involved him in the reasons and the information, because she said to him, "These medications are to make it easier for you to cope; there is a switch in your brain that isn't working properly, these pills are to flip that switch for a little while. This medication wears off in a few hours so if you don't like it then it won't be staying in your system, you will have it right out of your system by nightfall." So he has gone from being very resistant, to being cooperative, because he now realises this will help him.</p><p></p><p>So a quick answer (because I have only a few minutes now, I will post more later) - how do you force a kid like this? You don't. You mustn't. Instead, you need to become the helper, the facilitator, and not the driving force. The child needs to see you as someone to call on for support and help.</p><p></p><p>This won't fix the underlying problems, but it makes things easier to manage and can help you find your way out of the forest.</p><p></p><p>A quick look at Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) - go to <a href="http://www.childbrain.com" target="_blank">www.childbrain.com</a> and look for their unofficial Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. Run the test, print it out whatever the result, then see what the doctor says. Organise a neuropsychologist assessment (because people like OTs and Speech Therapists can only report on their own special area, however valuable that is) and see if you can get a more comprehensive (and therefore more globally helpful) label.</p><p></p><p>I'll be back later when I'm at home and not piggybacking on someone else's network!</p><p></p><p>Marg (at difficult child 3's school, in the library!)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 362190, member: 1991"] Welcome to the site. There is help here. A few questions - with your daughter's current list of labels, it seems to me to be heading for alphabet soup. Sometimes there can be ONE disorder that is an umbrella over the lot. For example, Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) is something you find in a few other disorders. If I listed difficult child 3's labels, we would have ADHD, Sensory Integration Disorder (SID), Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), hyperlexia, ODD, language delay - probably a lot of others. But they all are explained, in him, by autism. difficult child 3 is now 16 years old and has adapted well. We do have behaviour issues, but frankly a lot of them are because his brain learns differently and the usual discipline methods that seem to work acceptably well on us when we were kids, and which other parents use - these are disastrous for kids like ours. If you spank a kid like difficult child 3, all it does is teach him that physical attack is what you do when someone does something you don't like. Similarly - if we shout at him, he then sees that shouting is what you do in that situation. For him, there is no distinction between him, and anyone else. To his mind, we know what he is thinking because inside his head, those thoughts are loud enough for anyone to hear. So when we fail to understand him, it's clear (to him) that we are choosing to ignore him, rather than simply not understanding. He's a lot better with this now, but it was a rough ride there for a while. Discipline - read "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene, it explains this a lot better as well as gives you strategies to use in your situation. But you need to change your mindset - this child cannot be expected to learn to follow the usual methods/rules. You need to work with the child to find a more effective way. However, that more effective way can actually be a short-cut to maturity. It also can work with "normal" kids too, so you don't have to have different rules for one kid and not others. The explanations - that worked for us, but sometimes you have to answer the question the child is not asking. I suspect your daughter is expecting you to be able to read her mind, and is frustrated when you stubbornly fail to (from her point of view). We found that we needed to explain to difficult child 3 exactly what is his diagnosis, and to also involve him in his own management. A kid who doesn't want to take medications - we ask him why. We listen to the answer. We then explain why the medications were prescribed and if we have to, we get the doctor to explain this. We say, "If you have a problem with this, we need to find something to help you, because the medications are important. A friend of ours (a classmate of difficult child 3's at his after-school drama class for local kids with disabilities) has been put on Concerta. They found it caused rebound problems, but he did realise he liked it when he was medicated; he felt he was coping better and the teachers were nicer to him. But he didn't like how he felt at the end of each day - always in trouble, never being able to sit still, feeling upset and teary. So they've taken him off Concerta and are trialling dexamphetamine. When we saw him two evenings ago, it had all worn off but without rebound. He was bouncing off the walls, but not teary, not overly aggressive as he had been after Concerta. His mother involved him in the reasons and the information, because she said to him, "These medications are to make it easier for you to cope; there is a switch in your brain that isn't working properly, these pills are to flip that switch for a little while. This medication wears off in a few hours so if you don't like it then it won't be staying in your system, you will have it right out of your system by nightfall." So he has gone from being very resistant, to being cooperative, because he now realises this will help him. So a quick answer (because I have only a few minutes now, I will post more later) - how do you force a kid like this? You don't. You mustn't. Instead, you need to become the helper, the facilitator, and not the driving force. The child needs to see you as someone to call on for support and help. This won't fix the underlying problems, but it makes things easier to manage and can help you find your way out of the forest. A quick look at Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) - go to [url]www.childbrain.com[/url] and look for their unofficial Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. Run the test, print it out whatever the result, then see what the doctor says. Organise a neuropsychologist assessment (because people like OTs and Speech Therapists can only report on their own special area, however valuable that is) and see if you can get a more comprehensive (and therefore more globally helpful) label. I'll be back later when I'm at home and not piggybacking on someone else's network! Marg (at difficult child 3's school, in the library!) [/QUOTE]
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