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A step back for me....
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 438036" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Pats girl - </p><p></p><p>Stop......take a moment between blowing your nose....and breathe. Deep breaths.....in, out...and for a moment clear your mind. More deep breaths. Okay now I want you to think about something for a moment so far outside the box it may take a day to sink in so hang on. Because when this was presented to me - it took longer than a day (trust me) I'm not a fast learner anymore, but once I get it? I've got it. (call it stress induced learning disorder) </p><p></p><p>There is not a Mother or Father here, that would not -given the opportunity without consequences pick their child up and fix them for the better. Keep in mind I said without consequences. That is not reality. Reality is where we live, and what we have to deal with. So it means we as parents have to allow our children to live their lives, the way they see fit, with the highs and lows, making mistakes and along the way getting it right. Our kids just happen to be in a class by themselves of seeming to consistantly do things wrong over and over without learning as much as you would think they would with each lesson. This is the "WHY" that you speak of, and asked her about. The WHY that breaks our hearts, confuses us, and makes us literally nuts - ages us before our time -BUT can have it's benefits...and I'll explain in a bit. </p><p></p><p>I want you to write down or copy and paste what you wrote to us - and print it out, and then I want you to get a highlighter and highlight the part you wrote about how you have NEVER seen her SO thankful in her life - as when you took her the little bag of groceries. Now she called and asked you for a box of cereal. YOU took it upon yourself to take her MORE. That felt REALLY REALLY good - and the reciprocation you received FROM her - <u><strong><span style="color: #ff0000">FELT ----NORMAL, GOOD, EUPHORIC.</span></strong></u> WHY did it feel that way? What up to this point have YOU done FOR HER.....that a box of cereal and a little bag of groceries would ALLOW her to BEHAVE in a manner that is NORMAL? YOU DID <u><strong><span style="color: #ff0000">TOUGH LOVE....</span></strong></u>and YOU STUCK TO IT EVEN THOUGH IT NEARLY KILLED YOU. You took that almighty chance that all your board family told you about---and LET HER GO....DREW YOUR BOUNDARIES, DID NOT RESCUE HER....and GAVE HER PERMISSION TO SEE WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE WHEN YOU DO NOT WIPE YOUR FEET ON YOUR FAMILY.....and look what happened. <u><strong><span style="color: #ff0000">LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.</span></strong></u> (just look back at the red highlighted words....felt normal good, euphoric, tough love, look what happened) and ALL THIS - is the beginning TO seeing the daughter YOU KNOW and GET BACK - if you keep up with TOUGH LOVE. </p><p></p><p>SURE doesn't make sense - SURE DOESN"T feel like it will EVER work - SURE DOES NOT EQUATE and you think - ALL OF YOU ARE SO WRONG - she'll die before this happens, she'll disappear before this happens, and you know what? That could happen - but IF there is a single chance that you will EVER get to see your child the way that you KNOW they can be - after you have tried EVERYTHING? THIS IS WHAT HAS TO CCCUR - AND BECAUSE OF THAT? BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING? THOSE TEARS you are crying? Are good ones. That doesn't make much sense either right now - BUT you have the beginnings of Mothers' Tough Love success......it's not fool proof....nothing is.....BUT YOU HAVE A CHANCE - SHE HAS A CHANCE - and I say - KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK - (wipes tear) BECAUSE THIS IS THE HARDEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO - AND YOU DESERVE THAT VACATION to go rest, recharge your batteries - and ALLOW YOUR DAUGHTER to reflect on what a wonderful Mother she has that has enough strenght and courage to allow her to fall, over and over and NOT pick her back up --------and then is strong enough to take her a box of cereal and simply say I love you - I am here for you - and leave her again. THAT is not for WOOSIES.......</p><p></p><p>So take that vacation - now that you may understand why you need it - and that SHE IS going to be okay - cause she's on the right fork in the road.....and at the very least? She's been down the path she needs to be - so she knows which way is the right fork to go to. </p><p></p><p>Huge HUGE hugs.....And maybe? After vacation? There could be .......a puppy for her? Something for each of them to hang onto. </p><p></p><p>Love - Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 438036, member: 4964"] Pats girl - Stop......take a moment between blowing your nose....and breathe. Deep breaths.....in, out...and for a moment clear your mind. More deep breaths. Okay now I want you to think about something for a moment so far outside the box it may take a day to sink in so hang on. Because when this was presented to me - it took longer than a day (trust me) I'm not a fast learner anymore, but once I get it? I've got it. (call it stress induced learning disorder) There is not a Mother or Father here, that would not -given the opportunity without consequences pick their child up and fix them for the better. Keep in mind I said without consequences. That is not reality. Reality is where we live, and what we have to deal with. So it means we as parents have to allow our children to live their lives, the way they see fit, with the highs and lows, making mistakes and along the way getting it right. Our kids just happen to be in a class by themselves of seeming to consistantly do things wrong over and over without learning as much as you would think they would with each lesson. This is the "WHY" that you speak of, and asked her about. The WHY that breaks our hearts, confuses us, and makes us literally nuts - ages us before our time -BUT can have it's benefits...and I'll explain in a bit. I want you to write down or copy and paste what you wrote to us - and print it out, and then I want you to get a highlighter and highlight the part you wrote about how you have NEVER seen her SO thankful in her life - as when you took her the little bag of groceries. Now she called and asked you for a box of cereal. YOU took it upon yourself to take her MORE. That felt REALLY REALLY good - and the reciprocation you received FROM her - [U][B][COLOR=#ff0000]FELT ----NORMAL, GOOD, EUPHORIC.[/COLOR][/B][/U] WHY did it feel that way? What up to this point have YOU done FOR HER.....that a box of cereal and a little bag of groceries would ALLOW her to BEHAVE in a manner that is NORMAL? YOU DID [U][B][COLOR=#ff0000]TOUGH LOVE....[/COLOR][/B][/U]and YOU STUCK TO IT EVEN THOUGH IT NEARLY KILLED YOU. You took that almighty chance that all your board family told you about---and LET HER GO....DREW YOUR BOUNDARIES, DID NOT RESCUE HER....and GAVE HER PERMISSION TO SEE WHAT LIFE WAS LIKE WHEN YOU DO NOT WIPE YOUR FEET ON YOUR FAMILY.....and look what happened. [U][B][COLOR=#ff0000]LOOK WHAT HAPPENED.[/COLOR][/B][/U] (just look back at the red highlighted words....felt normal good, euphoric, tough love, look what happened) and ALL THIS - is the beginning TO seeing the daughter YOU KNOW and GET BACK - if you keep up with TOUGH LOVE. SURE doesn't make sense - SURE DOESN"T feel like it will EVER work - SURE DOES NOT EQUATE and you think - ALL OF YOU ARE SO WRONG - she'll die before this happens, she'll disappear before this happens, and you know what? That could happen - but IF there is a single chance that you will EVER get to see your child the way that you KNOW they can be - after you have tried EVERYTHING? THIS IS WHAT HAS TO CCCUR - AND BECAUSE OF THAT? BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING? THOSE TEARS you are crying? Are good ones. That doesn't make much sense either right now - BUT you have the beginnings of Mothers' Tough Love success......it's not fool proof....nothing is.....BUT YOU HAVE A CHANCE - SHE HAS A CHANCE - and I say - KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK - (wipes tear) BECAUSE THIS IS THE HARDEST THING YOU WILL EVER DO - AND YOU DESERVE THAT VACATION to go rest, recharge your batteries - and ALLOW YOUR DAUGHTER to reflect on what a wonderful Mother she has that has enough strenght and courage to allow her to fall, over and over and NOT pick her back up --------and then is strong enough to take her a box of cereal and simply say I love you - I am here for you - and leave her again. THAT is not for WOOSIES....... So take that vacation - now that you may understand why you need it - and that SHE IS going to be okay - cause she's on the right fork in the road.....and at the very least? She's been down the path she needs to be - so she knows which way is the right fork to go to. Huge HUGE hugs.....And maybe? After vacation? There could be .......a puppy for her? Something for each of them to hang onto. Love - Star [/QUOTE]
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