Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by wakeupcall, Dec 19, 2007.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Please don't tell me..."Tis the season..." The disrespect in this house has GOT to stop and I don't care if it IS the season that's causing the chaos. difficult child has a mouth like Grand Canyon and no matter what the warnings or threats, he keeps on and on and on. He's swinging at the dogs and making them growl and bark incessantly. He's making faces at me. He doesn't do ONE THING I tell him to do. I'm soooo exhausted with it. I just told him that when he was a toddler I could kinda handle the UNmedicated disrespect that came out of his mouth, but that he's so big now that it's as if it were his father treating me like that. I told him his father has never, ever, ever, treated me that way, even ONCE in the 38 years of our marriage!!!

    I don't threaten unless I follow-thru no matter how many "I'm sorrys" I get after the fact. It's of his presents goes back to the store today. I will not reward him with something tangible after being treated like the scum of the earth. I also told him that one will be gone each day that he continues to treat me as he has this morning. It's always worse in the mornings and husband went for bloodwork, so left earlier than normal. The fight was on. Why, why, why does he do this??? He's TWELVE. Is this going to continue all of the rest of his/my life? I'm not real sure I can do this.
  2. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    I'm sorry. When he is calm can the two of you talk? Can you discuss respect vs. disrespect? Parent vs. child?
    I have been there done that way too many times. Sending you stregth to continue to be supermom!
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I like the quarter jar I read about in another post. Sometimes it helps when there is a visual and immediate reminder.

    I know my daughter is really bad in the mornings and even worse when she is PMSing. I've just learned to stay away from her for the first hour or so. When she was your son's age, she got herself ready for school. When it was time to go, we left in whatever state of dress or undress she was in. A couple of times in jeans and jammie top was enough to get her moving. I didn't nag. Heck, I just hid in my room giving 5, 10 and 15 minute warnings until time to go. It really did save a lot of battles.

    If school was out, I'd just find something to do away from her for the first hour. After that hour, she was a lot nicer to be around -- could still be mouthy but not half as bad.

    I also found that choices helped a lot -- do you want to eat breakfast or take a shower first? I rarely told her specifically what to do. She would simply be given a time frame that things needed to be done (homework started by 4:00 pm, complete by 7:00; chores done by 6:00 pm). I did not nag or say anything if things weren't being accomplished. However, once the cutoff time occurred and it wasn't accomplished, the tv, computer, stereo, etc. would be turned off. Truly saved a lot of arguments. (Of course, she did find other things to argue about.)

    Is there any way you can cut down on the morning interaction until he has woken up enough to be human?
  4. tammyjh

    tammyjh New Member

    I hear ya! I'm sure the holidays effect my daughter some but its not the only reason she's disrespectful acting nasty. Talking to her aftewards doesn't really do a whole lot here but we still continue to do it in hopes that some day she'll begin to get it. She doesn't learn from her experiences well and has such a hard time controllingh her mood. Even so, we try to be as consistent as possible, which I'm sure you can relate. I don't have any advice for you...just wanted to say that I know where you are at and we're there too. With daughter, its not just the nasty mood but the giddy hyperactivity...I swear that my head must be spinning some days.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Some survival suggestions? Put the dogs in a bedroom and lock the door. If you have to send husband to the hardware store to buy a locking door knob and keep the key on your wrist. No animal deserves what attacks a difficult child can dish out. I've said before our psychologist told us to STOP worrying about how difficult child was treating the dogs - and life would happen. The pit bull bit his nose - twice. I mean come on- how dumb do you have to be? Apparently (that) dumb - twice. Now difficult child leaves them alone. It took them both (dogs) two months to act normal after difficult child left.

    As far as the in your face attitude. Just turn yourself off. Stop talking to him. Stop engaging him in conversation. Just go about your business like he isn't there. Let his behaviors escalate, let him threated to do XYZ - and ALLOW it to happen, stop saving him from himself. If he picks up something and says "IF YOU DONT DO THIS I'M GOING TO BREAK THAT?" then put up things you feel you couldn't live without in the bedroom with the locked door.

    He needs someone to ignore him in the worst possible way. The door slamming - the names, the behavior, the language - LET IT GOOOOO and stop doing things that you feel compelled to do because it's Christmas - DO only that which you WANT to do. If you don't feel like giving him presents - don't. Who's going to come get you? The Christmas police?

    When we are forgotten, we cease to exist. And nothing says "I'm over you" better and quicker than ignoring a person who is exhibiting unacceptable behaviors. It really gets their attention. And when you finally do speak speak softly, calmly and directly with piercing eye contact.It's a learned parental behavior and it takes time to learn how to detach, but it will work.

    If you want to take the gifts back - Do it. I'd lay them all out on YOUR bed, take a picture of what may have been - and keep it ONLY as a reminder of the nice heart you have, and how you didn't give in to giving just to give. Give when you want to - because it makes you feel wonderful not to keep up with old traditions that were started for us as kids - because well I don't know about YOUR HOUSE, but if I had behaved ONE DAY in my life like my son? Yeah - I can see toyland. (PFT). I would have gotten a lump of coal.

    Whatever you decide - Christmas will come and go - maybe it's time for some new traditions? I know it is in our house -

    Many hugs
  6. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Thanks to all of you...I feel better (now that he's gone to school). I just don't know what motivates him to spend so much energy on BUGGING me. I often do the not speaking routine, and it helps me, but it sure doesn't deter him, he just escalates his behavior. I mean....he literally is in my face. I lock the dogs in my bedroom and he picks the lock. I put them in the bathroom with me while I take a shower to protect them, and he bangs on the door the whole time.

    Star, I wouldn't have gotten a lump of coal. I think my father would have beaten me to death and left me to die instead. Is my son EVER going to get it? I give him choices (only TWO, I know better than that) and he picks one, then nothing....and a "face" to go along with it. Why is it that EIGHT years of interventions and nothing is working? The only thing that has worked is that I no longer dissolve into a puddle (that doesn't mean I'm not frustrated as you can tell) skin is thicker, I guess.

    If I had my way....really, I'm not so certain he would get one thing for Christmas. husband doesn't agree. I KNOW as well as the rest of you, that he has issues and always will have issues, but jeeeeeeez do we have to live like this forever and ever? Each morning I look at husband and say, "Ok, time to wake him for school and start the fight." Each evening I say, "Ok, come to dinner difficult child..." I turn and look at husband and say, "Time for the fight." Our family life :censored2:........big time.

    On a lighter daughter called from a looong way away and said my four-year-old granddaughter told her she wished Christmas would hurry up and be over so she could go to MiMI's (that's ME) house!! They are arriving the day after Christmas. I can hardly wait!!!!!!
  7. tammyjh

    tammyjh New Member

    My daughter is the same way. When I ignore her, it makes the situation worse. Last Friday, I locked the kids and I in another room in the house due to her being physically aggressing (hitting, kicking, trying to bit me, swearing, etc..) and she followed us. When she found that she couldn't get in, she hid in a hall closet and just waited for us to come out. She then tried to run away....actually started out the door in her bare feet and bathrobe and its very cold here. I can't let her run off because she tried it once(when we called her bluff) and even though her age is 14, her maturity level is more like 7 or 8 and even younger when she's angry. Every day is either a fight or dealing with her extreme hyper behaviors. I ask myself the same questions a million times...will she ever get it? Will we have to live like this forever?

    Yay on your grandaughter being so excited to see you!! :smile:
  8. CBM

    CBM New Member

    Starb....GREAT ADVICE.....I'm printing this out to hang all over my house for myself and husband.

    I'm also working with the SD to get her a placement in a Residential Treatment Facility (RTF). (although I'm going through battle with guilt. I'm at my wits end and she's picked up a new habit lately of walking out of the house when she doesn't agree with something we've said/requested.

    Her diagnosis was relatively recent (6/07), however this has been a battle I've been dealing with for over 6 yrs. The SD had her diagnosis as Learning Disability (LD), though I've been telling them for the past 2 yrs it's something more than Learning Disability (LD). Finally we shelled out $2800 for a private evaluation and got the proper diagnosis. The neurologist started her on Concerta 18mg, but after an outburst which required us to take her to the ER, we we're informed that this dosage was nothing more than a placebo. Neurologist bumped it up to 27mg (more placebo). The neurologist suggested we work with a psychiatrist as the Concerta was designed to treat the ADHD and mild behaviors, but behaviors of her magnitude would require alternate medication. After meeting w. a psychiatrist, we were informed that the proper dosage for her body weight should be anywhere from 75mg-150mg, but the increase has to be gradual. We're now up to 54mg. Today was her first day back after a 3-day suspension and GUESS WHAT???!!!! You guessed it....she managed to get herself suspended again by 11am. I'm soooooooooo exhausted. Will it get better???!!! Any suggestions on different medication?
  9. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    So sorry Pam you are going through this. Your son sounds like a carbon copy of mine! Sigh........try and take one day at a time, and not project into the future too far.

    Star's advice is outstanding! I wish I had done everything she said when my son was 12, we would be in a different place now, that is for sure.

    Hang in there.......and keep fighting the good fight.