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Adoption Question
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 241207" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi there - </p><p> </p><p>Welcome to the family. As an adoptee, I'm not sure if open is better or not. There really wasn't such a thing when I was born and my adoption is so sealed even if I did care to find out? Legally I could not. Mentally after years of therapy I'm okay with myself. I wasn't for a long time and had NO earthly idea why I continued to make poor decisions for myself over and over. As a child I acted out a bit, but never knew why. As I went through the layers of my life I realized it was because not foremost in my mind but in the deepest recesses of my sub-conscious - I felt like garbage. I felt thrown away, unwanted, unloved, ashamed, unneeded, unnecessary, unappreciated, un-alot of things. </p><p> </p><p>I also had attachment issues. MAJOR attachment issues. These don't go away without some sort of soul searching and therapy - belive me. I know a lot of adoptees that will tell you flat out they are fine, but really aren't. Unless you deal with your subconscious? It's twisted logic will always guide your life. </p><p> </p><p>You wanted to know why he never mentions connecting with Biodad? I think it depends on the child. It could be in his mind that he feels a connection between the last person in "that" family that he was with and tries to identify with her. If men gave birth I think it would be "got to find the birthfather." In my generation I belive a lot of it had to do with the fact that the man was the head of the household. Men were all-powerful and made most of the major decisions. This isn't to say that today men and women share this responsibility equally or that same gender couples happily adopt - but most of the picture books et al - portray a "family" as a Mom and a Dad. If the last person in your memory was your biomom - maybe you connect with her or maybe you feel that since a man was all powerful in decision and you were given away? He's a jerk for not working harder to provide for keeping you. Or maybe he had no idea you existed and would have loved you - but as an adoptee you feel somewhat powerless over your own life. </p><p> </p><p>I didn't have a choice in where I went. What I feel in my soul was that I should have stayed where I was. I dont' know who I look like, I have no idea if breast cancer runs in my family I mean there are a million things that I have questions about. Who's nose do I have - Do I look like my Dad or do I have my Moms talent for art? Maybe it was my Grandmas eyes, and my Grandpa was the artist - maybe he was Salvador Dali or maybe the Prince of Wales had an affair with a young woman on holiday in Europe and I'm a princess of sorts. </p><p> </p><p>When you KNOW your heritage and your background and you can look at pictures and talk to family - these things aren't even a thought - they're a given. When it's not a given? It can be mental-hell. It's worse when you go somewhere at a young age and someone says "Oh wow your Dad has black hair and gray eyes, and your Mom is red hair and blue eyes and you....dont' look anything like them." - belive me that one still hurts from then. </p><p> </p><p>I asked my Mom about "finding" my siblings or my "biomom" a long time ago. Her response was brilliant and loving. WE were walking in a mall and as I asked her she matter of factly pointed to the most beautiful woman in the mall. She was well dressed, lovely hair, beautiful skin - just a picture of life. My Mom said "What if...she were your Mother?" I actually got a smile and thought to myself ' well that would make sense to me - she's pretty." (at this age for me that's all it was, just wanting to know who I looked like so I could identify with myself) I said to her "Well she's very pretty." and My Mom said "She looks pretty doesn't she?" and left the conversation drop. A few hours later we were going into a Kmart and a very overweight woman, in frumpy clothes, greasy hair, no makeup, and just screaming for her children was walking into the store. My Mom said "Or....what if SHE were your Mom and those were your siblings?" Reality shook me to my knees - NO NO NO - I could NOT be from her. I was okay with the pretty person but not the frumpy, screaming, greasy, severely overweight woman....NO....not possible. And the look on my face gave my Mom what she needed to say to me to make searching for my biofamily over. She said "We don't get to pick who are parents are. But some of us lucky parents get to pick who are kids are." </p><p> </p><p>After that? Never really cared to look for anyone - I had found the Mom I was supposed to have - she was right there with me. I have thought over the years about how I would be if I were approached by someone or FOUND by someone. Personally I wouldn't be very happy. I have MY family and I got my brain smoothed out and I'm okay with me. I would tell my birthmom a big thank you - because while I have never given up a child I've lost one and I can't imagine how much you'd have to love someone to let them go. </p><p> </p><p>There are friends that I have that are hellbent on finding their bioparents. Two that I know of are now absolutely miserable because it wasn't the fairy tale princess life they found. Her words - "I went looking for a castle with a king and queen and got a smokey camper with 10 dogs pooping on the floor and beer bottles for yard decorations. She's in therapy now because she was adopted AND because she can't get over that HER genes came from what she found. I do have one friend that did find his bio mom and sisters.....and it's strained most times but he only looked after his Mom was dead and his adopted father remarried. He's really no happier than he was before he went looking. </p><p> </p><p>I'm sure there are people that are happy when they connect and I'm glad for them, but without a doubt in my life - my loyalties are with the people that raised me - My Mom and Dad. </p><p> </p><p>Hope this helps you with your son. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>There's also the consideration</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 241207, member: 4964"] Hi there - Welcome to the family. As an adoptee, I'm not sure if open is better or not. There really wasn't such a thing when I was born and my adoption is so sealed even if I did care to find out? Legally I could not. Mentally after years of therapy I'm okay with myself. I wasn't for a long time and had NO earthly idea why I continued to make poor decisions for myself over and over. As a child I acted out a bit, but never knew why. As I went through the layers of my life I realized it was because not foremost in my mind but in the deepest recesses of my sub-conscious - I felt like garbage. I felt thrown away, unwanted, unloved, ashamed, unneeded, unnecessary, unappreciated, un-alot of things. I also had attachment issues. MAJOR attachment issues. These don't go away without some sort of soul searching and therapy - belive me. I know a lot of adoptees that will tell you flat out they are fine, but really aren't. Unless you deal with your subconscious? It's twisted logic will always guide your life. You wanted to know why he never mentions connecting with Biodad? I think it depends on the child. It could be in his mind that he feels a connection between the last person in "that" family that he was with and tries to identify with her. If men gave birth I think it would be "got to find the birthfather." In my generation I belive a lot of it had to do with the fact that the man was the head of the household. Men were all-powerful and made most of the major decisions. This isn't to say that today men and women share this responsibility equally or that same gender couples happily adopt - but most of the picture books et al - portray a "family" as a Mom and a Dad. If the last person in your memory was your biomom - maybe you connect with her or maybe you feel that since a man was all powerful in decision and you were given away? He's a jerk for not working harder to provide for keeping you. Or maybe he had no idea you existed and would have loved you - but as an adoptee you feel somewhat powerless over your own life. I didn't have a choice in where I went. What I feel in my soul was that I should have stayed where I was. I dont' know who I look like, I have no idea if breast cancer runs in my family I mean there are a million things that I have questions about. Who's nose do I have - Do I look like my Dad or do I have my Moms talent for art? Maybe it was my Grandmas eyes, and my Grandpa was the artist - maybe he was Salvador Dali or maybe the Prince of Wales had an affair with a young woman on holiday in Europe and I'm a princess of sorts. When you KNOW your heritage and your background and you can look at pictures and talk to family - these things aren't even a thought - they're a given. When it's not a given? It can be mental-hell. It's worse when you go somewhere at a young age and someone says "Oh wow your Dad has black hair and gray eyes, and your Mom is red hair and blue eyes and you....dont' look anything like them." - belive me that one still hurts from then. I asked my Mom about "finding" my siblings or my "biomom" a long time ago. Her response was brilliant and loving. WE were walking in a mall and as I asked her she matter of factly pointed to the most beautiful woman in the mall. She was well dressed, lovely hair, beautiful skin - just a picture of life. My Mom said "What if...she were your Mother?" I actually got a smile and thought to myself ' well that would make sense to me - she's pretty." (at this age for me that's all it was, just wanting to know who I looked like so I could identify with myself) I said to her "Well she's very pretty." and My Mom said "She looks pretty doesn't she?" and left the conversation drop. A few hours later we were going into a Kmart and a very overweight woman, in frumpy clothes, greasy hair, no makeup, and just screaming for her children was walking into the store. My Mom said "Or....what if SHE were your Mom and those were your siblings?" Reality shook me to my knees - NO NO NO - I could NOT be from her. I was okay with the pretty person but not the frumpy, screaming, greasy, severely overweight woman....NO....not possible. And the look on my face gave my Mom what she needed to say to me to make searching for my biofamily over. She said "We don't get to pick who are parents are. But some of us lucky parents get to pick who are kids are." After that? Never really cared to look for anyone - I had found the Mom I was supposed to have - she was right there with me. I have thought over the years about how I would be if I were approached by someone or FOUND by someone. Personally I wouldn't be very happy. I have MY family and I got my brain smoothed out and I'm okay with me. I would tell my birthmom a big thank you - because while I have never given up a child I've lost one and I can't imagine how much you'd have to love someone to let them go. There are friends that I have that are hellbent on finding their bioparents. Two that I know of are now absolutely miserable because it wasn't the fairy tale princess life they found. Her words - "I went looking for a castle with a king and queen and got a smokey camper with 10 dogs pooping on the floor and beer bottles for yard decorations. She's in therapy now because she was adopted AND because she can't get over that HER genes came from what she found. I do have one friend that did find his bio mom and sisters.....and it's strained most times but he only looked after his Mom was dead and his adopted father remarried. He's really no happier than he was before he went looking. I'm sure there are people that are happy when they connect and I'm glad for them, but without a doubt in my life - my loyalties are with the people that raised me - My Mom and Dad. Hope this helps you with your son. There's also the consideration [/QUOTE]
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