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General Parenting
Adoptive moms -Does your child have mixed up memories?
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<blockquote data-quote="keista" data-source="post: 435039" data-attributes="member: 11965"><p>((((HUGS)))))</p><p></p><p>I'm very sorry, and while I don't have first had experience with this type of situation, I do have experience with how elastic a young child's memory can be. Step son told me repeatedly of the story when his dad supposedly abused his mom and left. He told this story as if he had been standing in the corner watching it. He even remembered me being there! Reality is that the stepson was in utero at the time. His mom just LOVED telling the story, and it became his memory.</p><p></p><p>In your situation, I can understand the counselor's thought process. I don't know how old he was when you adopted him, but I'm just guessing that you and the other person have similar names? Mom, Mommy? In his young mind the same name makes both of you the same person. If he remembers his previous abuse at all, and it is discussed with either you or in therapy, a suggestion would be to distance you and this other person by using a completely different referring name. in my opinion the real trick is to figure out what actions he associates more with the name MOM. If to him, MOM is kind and loving. then the other person needs to be called "Jane". If, on the other hand, he associates MOM with abuse, then maybe call you by your first name. Yes, an absolutely heartbreaking thought, because you ARE MOM. You are giving him everything a REAL MOM is supposed to be giving him, and you DESERVE the title, but if in his little mind, MOM is a BAD thing, do you really want to keep that association? If I'm on the right track here, in my opinion breaking his negative association with the title would be more difficult than to adjust to a new an more positive title or name.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="keista, post: 435039, member: 11965"] ((((HUGS))))) I'm very sorry, and while I don't have first had experience with this type of situation, I do have experience with how elastic a young child's memory can be. Step son told me repeatedly of the story when his dad supposedly abused his mom and left. He told this story as if he had been standing in the corner watching it. He even remembered me being there! Reality is that the stepson was in utero at the time. His mom just LOVED telling the story, and it became his memory. In your situation, I can understand the counselor's thought process. I don't know how old he was when you adopted him, but I'm just guessing that you and the other person have similar names? Mom, Mommy? In his young mind the same name makes both of you the same person. If he remembers his previous abuse at all, and it is discussed with either you or in therapy, a suggestion would be to distance you and this other person by using a completely different referring name. in my opinion the real trick is to figure out what actions he associates more with the name MOM. If to him, MOM is kind and loving. then the other person needs to be called "Jane". If, on the other hand, he associates MOM with abuse, then maybe call you by your first name. Yes, an absolutely heartbreaking thought, because you ARE MOM. You are giving him everything a REAL MOM is supposed to be giving him, and you DESERVE the title, but if in his little mind, MOM is a BAD thing, do you really want to keep that association? If I'm on the right track here, in my opinion breaking his negative association with the title would be more difficult than to adjust to a new an more positive title or name. [/QUOTE]
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